Feeling really good about my previous word vomit. I love how it started off as a contemplation of my current work but ended on quite an artsy, floral note. I feel pretty proud of that last paragraph. I do like writing about my thoughts and feelings. I’m feeling a little anxious. I think it’s because I know that I need to go back to my tasks from my day job. The urge to quit is so strong. I feel like I’m Tom from 500 Days of Summer and Software Engineering is my “Greeting Cards”. I’m a perfectly adequate software engineer. I’m looking for what my architecture is, and I’m also looking for my Autumn. But I’m not in a movie, so I’m aware that I might not end up finding these.
My Summer wasn’t as nice as his. My Summer said goodbye over a text. My Summer didn’t offer to be friends. My Summer didn’t stay with me for 500 days, more like 50 if I’m being honest. My Summer wasn’t as clear about things from the start. Though I’m sure I would be in the same place even if she had been. I feel a lot of pain in my chest and my stomach and my heart these days. I think I should quit (work). I think I’ll hand in my notice at the end of this week. There’s so many tasks that I’ll have to think about before I quit. I wouldn’t know how to access half the things. Maybe I need to make a list of them.
I wonder if I should switch teams before trying to quit. I’ll get a temporary relief of a few weeks, at least. I do care about my manager though. I’m worried about breaking the news to him.
Continuing this after around five days. Things have changed a little bit. I got a little bit of family time and outdoors time and time with animals. I decided I might try to talk to a couple of different teams to at least see what’s out there. I might start some medication to help with some of the anxiety. The doctor seems to think it’ll help me cope with the external stressors. The logic makes sense – everyone faces external stresses like work problems, relationship problems, bad days – but the lens of my anxiety makes everything worse. If medication can help me curb the anxiety a bit, I can cope with these problems as a normal human being would. Trying to change the environment and removing external stressors is probably fixing the wrong issue. Of course needing some breathing room is normal, but if I get breathing room then I might be less motivated to start the medication. Anyway, we’ll see how it goes.
I want to get better at connecting with people. I want to become better at being honest and confident and silly at the same time. I know how to get there, but I don’t have enough time and opportunities to practice this. Mainly because of the pandemic.
I feel a bit greedy about this whole thing – what am I looking for? What am I seeking? Is there some other unmet need that I’m confusing with this?
Continuing this after a few hours. I got closer to some of my family this weekend. I like it – one of the nicest things in the world is thinking you know someone and then getting to know them more. Life is so much better when I am intentional about the people I spend my time with. I think sometimes I end up spending a lot of time with people I don’t really like that much – either because of social obligations or because of circumstances. But man that is a terrible way to live.
Anyway, these moments of getting to know someone more. They’re nice moments, moments of unexpected vulnerability, often. Vulnerability that doesn’t necessarily come from the stories these people might be telling me, but from what their voices sounds like when they’re talking about these stories. From whether they meet my eyes while telling me those stories. From the way they smile or from the way their faces move when they’re reacting to my reactions or my questions. From the way they look at another person, if it’s a story that has shared ownership. From the way you can ask a person something but find out more about the person sitting next to them than the original recipient of the question.
It’s a nice little activity, giving someone your full attention and enjoying it – for reasons that are beyond my understanding. Of course one of them is the fact that I get some of it back in return. I’m sure sitting in a park and giving a stranger my full attention from afar isn’t going to be as great.
I’d recently met someone who I could describe as outgoing and friendly and yet not looking to connect. Years ago I would have never known the difference. But I think we finally connected a little today. It was quite nice.
I’m roughly at 800 words here. Reminds me of the time in school where we’d laugh about how we can fill up the word count by rambling on and/or stating the same point in different ways. It’s true, we can. I often used to have a problem with concise writing as well. The number of hours I’ve spent trying to cut down sentences to not cross the word-limit, oh boy. Yet, I find myself out of related thoughts at the moment. Slowly trudging on, trying to get a 100 more words out on this note.
This is nice little fun thing to do – taking ordinary experiences and activities and making stories out of them. I suppose it’s an escape, maybe my ordinary life isn’t fun enough until I make a fantastical story about it. That’s not fully true though – I’m being a little harsh on myself – I’m sure I must have felt moved enough in those moments for thoughts about them to persist hours and days later.
untitled atm 