I recently met someone new and we got to talking about friendships. (Side-rant: Sometimes I wonder why I like to give context about where a thought came from. I don’t know, maybe it’s just the flow, but at times I feel I also want to credit that person whose company helped give birth to this thought-cloud. If they happen to read it, it might be nice for them to know?)
So anyway, we got to talking about friendships. I’ve been thinking about a friendship that I’m soon going to need to let go of, or at least get some space from, so I brought that up as well. Naturally, a bunch of conflicting feelings around it, the biggest being – how did I end up in a long-term, seemingly close friendship that I don’t really enjoy? I claim to be courageous, honest, direct and brave with many other difficult things, and yet I fuck up this basic thing that seems to come so easily to most people? I didn’t have the answers with me at the time, but I’ve been pondering a little bit and want to see if maybe I do.
Originally, we became friends because of circumstance, and mostly continued to stay friends thanks to circumstance as well. We all have those friends, right? So how does one separate self from a relation like that? I suppose most people form new relationships?
I think I have the answers, these are the some of the factors I wasn’t accounting for when I decided to “continue” a strong relation with that friend.
- People’s advice: They didn’t know me, they didn’t know her, they didn’t know the details of our relationship, so they always gave me “bad” (and often unsolicited) advice. And since I was weak (or if I want to be kind to myself, impressionable), I listened.
- Potential loneliness: Ah, the dreaded loneliness. The feeling that apparently goes away if you have someone around. Who are these people kidding? How can loneliness go away just because you have someone around? People live in such strong denial – loveless marriages, loveless relations, and I’m so angry that they push all of this on other people. And I regret letting myself fall into these traps of fear.
- “Politeness”: AKA my inability to set boundaries. My inability to say no. My own imperfect ideals of perfectionism and kindness. My inability to see that the truth is kinder than any other kindness I might try to bestow upon people.
- Lack of awareness: Of course, this seems to be prevalent in most of my posts so far. I only started getting in touch with my feelings around two years ago, and because I’ve always had other (almost objectively) bigger things to tackle, I suppose I wasn’t ready to look at my friendships clearly.
Now, something you might notice (if you for any reason went through some of my other posts) is how often I mention things like human connection and being intentional about the people we spend our time with. I wasn’t always like this. Since I only started becoming aware a while ago, I think it was only around the same time that I began addressing or looking at the things that were missing from my life. I’m not someone who’s ever had a hard time making friends. I used to definitely be introverted as well as shy and reserved, so it definitely took me a while sometimes, but it had always been that way, and it was rarely something that bothered me.
But when I moved to this foreign country that I currently reside in, some of my anxiety (that manifested as really strong body dysmorphia) pretty much hit my “social life” the most. My self-esteem and self-confidence plummeted really hard. What’s the easiest and the most instinctive reaction to anxiety? Avoidance. So I suppressed most of my social needs and wants, and told myself that it’s okay, and that I’ll cope. I did manage to make some really good friends, I did do the bare minimum, but it wasn’t enough. So, for almost 1-2 years, I took the company of whomever it was easiest to spend time with (i.e. whomever I felt least anxious with), as opposed to checking whether I even enjoy their company enough. Whether I would seek their company as much, if I was in my best place.
So, I would often find myself in this place, where I felt like I had a lot of friends and a lot of people I could reach out to, but I often felt terribly lonely. (I know that this is a common sentiment echoed by many people, and @visakanv has talked a lot about this in a lot of his writing as well, but well, let me find out where I’m going with this.)
One of the first life-changing questions my first therapist had asked me, I think basically around 2-3 sessions in, after I’d described a “humans” related situation that was terribly anxiety provoking was something like – “and what do you think, do you feel like your social needs are currently being met?” In all honesty, I cannot describe in words the feeling that floated through me – it started near my head but definitely made its way to my feet (and out, I think) – as I thought about it and slowly uttered the words, “I guess not”.
This was also the first time I’d realized that anxiety by itself was not the problem, the problem was that it was stopping me from doing the things that I wanted to do. This is probably very easy for a third person or a professional to see, but for almost a year and a half, I couldn’t see it, my close friends and family couldn’t see it, my significant other at the time couldn’t see it, and honestly, it still baffles me a little bit. This was the first time I considered a reframe: I didn’t need to stop the anxiety, I needed to continue to do the things that I want to do in spite of it, or even if it comes up.
(I feel the need to apologize that most of my posts end up describing anxiety in some or the other way, regardless of what I start talking about, but of course I don’t need to apologize, so I’ll just throw this out and keep moving on.)
Anyway, a slightly hasty wrap-up. Re-evaluated my needs. Turned out I hadn’t been taking care of my social needs, so I started seeking company more. But anxiety was still a huge factor, so whenever it was hard to meet new people, I’d end up seeking whatever company I could easily get. It was a band-aid solution, and though it had its uses and I’m genuinely very grateful for the company and support I did get, it wasn’t foolproof. In retrospect, I do wish I’d ripped it off sooner. Ah, well.
So, even though it’s been a while that I’ve accepted that human connection is not something I’m going to take for granted, and that it’s surely going to be a pillar for me for years to come, it’s time to address that there’s more to it. Intentionally seeking and building strong, deep and real connections is also going to be a thing. I want to consider giving friendships the same kind of careful consideration that I would give a romantic relationship. I think I’ll be happier. Even if that’s just in their pursuit, of course.
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