It’s been hard to sit down and write. I keep getting up do something or the other. My reason for restlessness is mainly one – I have to make a life decision. Where should I go next? But it’s also the reason I need to sit down and write. I’ve gathered a lot of information and opinions in the last few weeks, I’ve been swinging back and forth between my two options, literally going from one to the other every week. I’m definitely under a little pressure to make a decision, but I seem to want to make it without doing the hard work that goes into it.
The hard work? I’m not talking about the information gathering, that was hard only initially, once I started it was easy. The hard work seems to be thinking about interviewing for one of the options, the prep that I’ll have to put into it.
Anyway, for some context, my two options are: Amsterdam and India. I’m looking to move within the company I’m currently at, and looking to move within the same role I’m currently at (engineering). That’s the easy part.
I think I’m finally realizing that the reason I’ve been leaning toward India (that’s home for me) is fear based. The more I realize I really don’t need to pressure my life to become a certain way or “fall into place” by a certain time, the more I see and accept that Amsterdam seems like the better option right now. I want to settle down and have some stability, but how can I find it when I barely know myself? If I really want to find myself, don’t I deserve to give myself all the chance I can? Ideally I really should be giving myself the best opportunities to grow (not as an engineer or whatever, but as a person). A person who knows she doesn’t want to be working a full-time engineering job five years from now. If I really want to find what I want five years from now, I probably do have to dive into the ocean that is the world.
And it’s true, I really am only 26. Whoever said that’s old? Whoever said I need to hurry and settle down? And who’s to say I’ll find that at home? And I’m not even getting into whether home really is what I think it is, etc.
A new country is daunting, an easier decision might be easy to take, but there’s a reason I feel restless when I decide to go forward with the easier decision. If it was the easy and right decision, I probably would feel comfortable taking it. But I don’t.
I feel some clarity coming in. This might not last long, so maybe the best thing to do is take small actions in moments or periods of clarity, and see where that takes me. I’m going to ahead with kickstarting the processes that are needed to go ahead with the Amsterdam option. I can always decide not to go ahead if things don’t feel right a few weeks from now.
untitled atm 