Feeling very blocked since the last two days. So I need to get a word-vomit out before I sleep tonight. Blocked, how? Mainly, creatively. Living at home really takes up a lot of mental space. So I think I’ve found that it’s comfortable and mostly pleasant, but not fulfilling enough. What makes me feel fulfilled? I think when I’m spending enough time on my hobbies and other creative pursuits. And I really do need dedicated time-spaces for that.
I was home for my sister’s wedding and that’s now been wound up for exactly 10 days. It’s about time I get back to the things I want to be doing in my daily life. Will also have the weekend somewhat to myself so I can dedicate that to wrapping this up, for good. Will also try to make a todo list after I’m done with this write-up. I think there’s been a lot of joy around for the last month but all of it feels like it’s been on borrowed time. It doesn’t fully feel mine, especially since it feels like it didn’t come out of my “daily routine”. It’s a one-off thing. Does that reduce the value of it? Probably not, and yet.. I’d thought about various things I could have done if I was home for longer than a month, and I haven’t really committed to any of them. I don’t know, time just keeps slipping away. It’s been hard to focus, anyway.
Really couldn’t focus on this either so I tried to make a quick todo list. I think it’s helped already. Should I just give this up, though? I remember how the voice in my head used to be so loud and incessant. And now I barely have anything to talk about. Why’s that the case? It’s the open questions that really kill you. I’d mentioned these in my previous word-vomit but they’re still very very open and very very icky. What do I want to focus on in life? How do I want to be spending my time? How do I try to find someone / how do I look for relationships? Where do I wanna be, geographically, long-term. Does the geography question matter if I want to be seriously dating?
At least word-vomits still don’t take more than 30 minutes. I don’t know why I dread starting this still when I know a small post will barely take any time. Maybe I’ve lost some of my “reflection” skills. Whatever that means. Oh man, living in the present is just so difficult.
This is probably one of the least interesting series of sentences I’ve ever written but I’m going to post it anyway, since that’s the only way I get to continue / move past this. Hope you all have a better start to the weekend than mine!
untitled atm 