People can be quite afraid of thought-dumps. Or self-deprecating about them. Like that isn’t “good writing”. But I (along with a lot of other people) think they can be super valuable. Like if I wasn’t afraid of thought-dumps I’d tell you how happy I feel when I have a nice time with a person I’m getting to know and learn about and how great I feel when I’m able to express that to them. If I wasn’t afraid of thought-dumps I’d tell you how excited I am for my morning blended iced-coffee and how I can’t wait for it to arrive. (The light is out so I can’t make it at home or I would’ve.) I’d tell you how grateful I’ve been feeling for some of my friends who’ve taught me how to communicate more, and better. Who make the logistics part of things easier. Who taught me that you can exchange goodbye hugs before you wear your bags so that the quality isn’t compromised. How bad I feel that I’ve been procrastinating on calling some people just because I’ve been unable to find blocks of time but I really do want to talk to them and get caught up with their lives. Thought-dumps show you what you care about the most, at the moment. Clearly, for me it’s people things. I didn’t fully love Bangalore as a city. This has been surprising for me since I’ve visited a few times and I’ve never noticed anything non-positive towards it. I like that I have so many people here, of course, but objectively, I don’t know if this is a city I’d want to move to, even to “just try” it. Maybe definitely not to “just try” it. If I had another reason to (like work), maybe then.
The other day a sufficiently close friend of mine told me I can be quite intimidating. The reason, he said, was that I have a really strong sense of boundaries and I’m also strict about making sure to set them, and not allow people to cross them. I think, his reasoning is fair. And of course, it’s not pleasant to hear that you can be (are) intimidating, especially if that’s coming from people you consider close, but then, I also think maybe that cost is unavoidable. I’m generally pretty socially satisfied and I don’t think that’s possible without strict boundaries. I have been letting loose quite a bit overall in this trip though. I’ve hung out with people throughout the two weeks, and let myself be in their physical presence for really long periods of time, even though I didn’t always feel safe or comfortable. I was realising yesterday that emotionally, my capacity to be vulnerable is quite high, much higher than most people I know, but what’s hard for me is vulnerability in physical space. (This includes just hanging out as well.)
So anyway, thought-dumps can be quite valuable. I hope people can see it too.
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