062a – living as someone who’s infp, hsp but also has gad

#ifyouknowyouknow LOL (If these acronyms don’t make any sense that’s alright, they’re mostly just for myself)

I think I have a brain-voice and a body-voice, especially when it comes to writing. The more I can be in touch with the body-voice, the “better” my writing is (I think)— I don’t know what the exact quality is which makes it read better to me (I think there’s a better style, or flow)— but I know it’s better. 

But sometimes my brain-voice likes to vent too, and that’s fine but I wonder if I could differentiate what I’m feeling before I even start, so I can be a little more aware of how the write-up might come out. 

I think right now, it’s a mix. I meditated a bit before starting because I wanted to get in touch with my body-voice. 

I’ve been a bit sick for the last 2-3 days and it’s getting worse, which I’m quite upset about because it feels like I keep falling sick every month. 

Anyway, something on my mind lately is “high sensitivity”. I read about it a couple years ago (ie the “highly sensitive person” (HSP) trait) and although I related pretty strongly to it even then, it’s only over the last couple weeks I’ve been facing “too many feelings” as a problem, which led me back to this. Over the course of the last couple years, I’ve also recognised just how much of an effect loud sounds and crowds etc can have on me. Not just in terms of preferences, but really strong preferences, or almost needs. Additionally, because a lot of the symptoms of being an HSP overlap with my other “issue” ie my generalised anxiety disorder (GAD), I just attributed most of it to that. But I suppose HSP makes a lot of sense too since it’s not just heightened anxiety that feels like a lot lately, it’s a bunch of other feelings too (even the positive ones, actually). 

So, yeah, looking forward to reading more about how to cope with this, ie if there are things I can do which can help me focus on the strengths of being an HSP and work around the pitfalls/weaknesses. 

Recognising “too many feelings” as a problem is making me think about other little improvements I want to make as well. For example, I share a lot of art/work on socials but I don’t want to be continuously checking to see how it fares. It’s just too many feelings to navigate and I think holding off from checking for even 12-24 hours can help me avoid the whole thing altogether. Because I’m certain my attachment to the feedback will not be as strong a day after I share the thing. (At least on the internet). For example, the primary reason posting these posts is so easy is that I actually, genuinely don’t care too much if a post doesn’t get much engagement. (I’m happy when it does, but not too affected when it doesn’t). That is where I want to be with all pipelines. 

A post called “uninstalling copes” (or was it a book?) by @visakanv is coming to mind right now. I think along with art and creative work, uninstalling copes and emotional healing is also something I want to focus on for the coming phase of life. Ah right, it’s about addiction. Makes sense. 

Tl;dr: Sequence of events over the last couple months which can explain my mental/emotional state right now: 

1. [May] quit job, move to India after 6 years of being outside (big change)
2. [Aug] no job, move to my own place in delhi (big change, high anxiety) 
3. [Oct] adaptation, settling in // tiny heartbreak/loss, quitting nicotine (lots of feelings) 
4. [Oct] identifying as HSP, feeling called to creative work and (self) emotional healing 

Yeah, I think that probably summarises the last six months pretty well. Alright that’s it for now, I’ll write soon! 

Sources:
[1] https://www.verywellmind.com/highly-sensitive-persons-traits-that-create-more-stress-4126393 
[2] https://highlysensitiverefuge.com/