“I thought I wanted to be a writer, turns out I just wanted to write.”
I imagine I’ll be saying this a few months from now. Thinking about money or monetisation from my art makes me anxious. I definitely need to find a day-job. I’m not ready to give up all my time yet, so I plan to start looking in February. I imagine it might take up to 3-4 months for me to be able to find one, because I’ll also have to do some research on the kind of jobs I’m willing to take.
But I want to make 10 complete songs before I start a job, and I’ve only made 2 so far. Will I push my “start looking for jobs” date if February arrives and I haven’t made 10 songs by then? I guess we’ll find out. I’m open to it, but we’ll see.
Why do I want to make songs? I don’t know, I just feel like it’s a very fulfilling achievement.
The college-student I teach on Sundays has been giving me a similar answer when I ask him why he doesn’t like Delhi. I’ve been teaching him English to help him with job interviews. He says “I don’t know but I just don’t like it”.
Personal writing feels like a very selfish pursuit. Or the kind of art that I gravitate towards (ie MY feelings and MY thoughts) feels like a very selfish, self-obsessed activity. Which then re-opens the questions I haven’t taken the time out to think about, yet. Who will my audience be? I imagine I can figure that out on the way.
I am definitely not someone who can quickly adjust to trends and what the world needs “right now” and drop comments on it. I do it sometimes but I can’t do it regularly. There was a time when people were more interested in the music I was putting out (although it was mostly covers) and they kept asking me to share stuff on streaming services but all of it doesn’t get as much engagement anymore.
I do wonder lately if you need to be more “gifted” or “talented” or willing to make more compromises if you want to stand out with all of these things.
But I haven’t really given anything a REAL shot yet. A real shot will have to be more planned, more patient, more sustainable. That’s fine, I can live with that for today.
I am still interested in this problem-space. That is, I want to write, I enjoy the process, are there ways I can be better and find overlaps between the things I want to write about and the things people want to read?
Maybe I need to go out and live more, also.
untitled atm 