100a – may updates

Back from travels, it was all surprisingly nice. The travel anxieties didn’t hit me as hard as they generally do and the pros (like weather, good landscapes, the general mountainside peace and quiet) was very very worth the little bit inconvenience of the actual “traveling”. Of course, this was also my “first trip” with Y and so I’m quite happy to record that it was all quite smooth. 

Being back in Delhi has been quite unpleasant even though it’s just been slightly over 24 hours. The weather is just absolutely horrendous, it’s quite intolerably hot. I really don’t know how people are continuing to function business as usual, and why we’re even expected to. It’s supposed to get better by the end of this week, though, and I’m hoping to god that’s true. 

There are sufficient things to look forward to in June, though, so I’m just going to attempt to focus on those for now. Mom’s birthday is coming up, another short trip with friends, plans with Y and her brother, maybe another open-mic or something if the weather gets a bit better— yeah I suppose that’s it for now. 

I also want to do more reading and writing, but really, I find myself at a loss of things to write about. It almost feels like nothing else is worth writing or talking about with everything that’s happening in the world. I find that I feel more this way whenever I visit social media, which, in certain ways is good, I suppose, there are benefits to “spreading the word”, but I also feel that sometimes I just end up feeling very restricted. That it would perhaps seem insensitive to speak about anything else at all. This feeling comes up quite often, every time something tragic happens, the news takes over all of social media, and then you do feel insensitive for talking about other things. But I don’t know, I haven’t found a solution to this yet. 

My apartment situation has been a bit troublesome and I’ve been feeling some anxiety about how my landlord may not renew my lease, but hasn’t told me about it so far. I think it’s all a bit unfair but I also don’t know if there’s much (if anything) in my control. If they decide to not renew it they ideally do need to tell me in a couple days more at most, so I’m just counting on that. It’ll be quite a bother to move at this time but I have to, I’d rather know about it sooner than later. 

Overall, quite upset with how much power differences there are in the world. Capitalism, eh? 

Hopefully June will be better than May was, I guess. 

I’d also like to learn to be content and happier about the things that are right than be upset about what’s not. Like they say, I’d learn to focus on the positives. I don’t know. It’s tougher than it used to be. I have a good emotional support circle (including friends, family, a really great partner), I am financially okay, and I am in relatively decent health. (Knock on wood). I have creative pursuits that fulfil me emotionally and intellectually, I suppose that’s enough to celebrate? 

Then what do I feel that feels so difficult to face? Why do the troubles feel bigger than everything that’s good? I’m not sure. This may be the first time in many weeks that writing about these things doesn’t seem to solve them, either. Could it be that I’m avoiding something else? I know I want to look for work post September, and I know I don’t want to do that right now for sure, yet, I think it does bring up a certain amount of anxiety to think that maybe I’m delaying the search for work for peace and relaxation. Maybe it’s because my music lessons are also paused at the moment so I feel like I may be officially “wasting my time”. Yeah, I think that’s it. Guess I can find something actionable in here. 

Okay, that’s it for now from me. Hope y’all are having a decent end to this month! Cheers xx