mallika2608

058b – movement

It’s been a rough couple weeks. I wrote in the last post that there are a lot of parts of my life that I feel aren’t working, and that changes need to be made. I think, even though the things that I’ve had to “change” or the process of the change has been quite painful, I think it’s all for the best.

I’ve decided to quit nicotine and it’s already been two weeks, and I think it can stick. I’m reading Allen Carr’s Easy Way to Stop Smoking to help me with this and I think a lot of the things in it make sense. The whole idea is to cut the desire at the root. We always try to escape the craving but the whole point is to really examine the craving and be okay with sitting with it. I’d been trying to do some of that by myself too but I think having external guiding material is much more effective. The other thing that helps it the regular reinforcement of how the craving is genuinely a bit of a false craving. We think nicotine is pleasurable but apparently it only feels pleasurable because it kills the withdrawal caused by the previous round of it in our body (or mind).

Parallely, the task of moving on from a romantic interest has also been thrust upon me. (I underplay this, she was more than a romantic interest, I think.) But.. I think it’s fitting that I’m quitting two things at once. It’s kind of similar, isn’t it? I mean, even though I know that one comes from a more genuine place (ie, heart, soul, etc), I think that aspect of like/love isn’t that hard to deal with. It’s the addictive part that’s harder to deal with.

So overall, with both the things it’s about cutting the desire(s) at the root. I think I’ve been coping pretty healthily. Talking to friends, journaling, using music as an outlet, all good things. Only food is suffering a bit so I need to make the healthier choices when it comes to that, and I will, from tomorrow. (Yes, yes, I know “from tomorrow” is the classic avoidant phrase, but I really will).

A close friend is moving to Delhi and I’m really excited to have him around. I’ve been feeling a lack of social support/circle overall and it’ll be nice to have a bit of an addition to my existing people.

Finally got a couple really big house-tasks done and that’s been a major stress-reliever. There’s a lot more to do (I guess there always is), but I’m trying to lean towards action as much as possible. I think it has to be done regularly, ie the choice to pick action over thinking, it has to made regularly, in majority of the moments. (For me, at least, since I err on the side of overthinking).

(Side realisation: I used to dislike the word “overthinking”, because I thought it implies judgement, and maybe it does, but I’m getting less defensive about it. And I’m accepting that yes, there is a difference between thinking and overthinking, the same way there’s a difference between processing and rumination. There’s definitely limits needed to “thoughts”. For many of us, I’m sure).

Anyway, good stuff. I feel myself growing. (This is hilarious but I genuinely feel it AH)

Alright, let’s go October xx

058a – must I write?

I was reading “Letters to a Young Poet” once again (after almost a couple years) since I was going through a pretty strong “I’ve no idea what I’m doing” week and I’ve been meaning to come back to it for a while now.

At the very beginning, Rilke asks the young poet (and I suppose all poets, in general) to ask themselves a very basic question — must you write? And only if the answer is a resounding yes (a “fuck yes”, if you will), should you continue. Only if “you can’t not”, should you continue. And if you really must, then you should give everything into designing a life for yourself that allows you to write.

For the longest time now, I’ve been very clear about the fact that I do need to write to feel happier. I like to write (in various forms) and I know that I’m more at peace when I regularly get to do so. Yet, when I asked myself this question again, for the last few days, I’ve been doubtful. Must I— really— write? Can I survive without it? Even if I could, would I like to? I don’t know.

I know that I see things more clearly when I write. Whether it’s events that are happening inside me, or outside me, writing is the one tool that allows me more perspective. Of course, words can only takes us so far, and they’re not a substitute for the lived experience or the event itself, but they’re the next best thing, for me at least.

And now that I’m here, actually writing, I think.. yeah, I can’t really live without writing. I mean, I can go without it for a few days, but I can’t imagine not writing at all for a whole week, definitely not for a whole month. I’d probably go crazy. Maybe I shouldn’t second-guess this. Socrates supposedly said that the unexamined life isn’t worth living. And I think I believe that. And I think writing allows me to do that the best.

Speaking of, I’ve been sick almost for a week now and it’s really taken a toll on my mental health too. Recovering now, though, although I do have some hard questions to return to once I fully recover. There are a lot of parts of my life that I feel aren’t working, or that I’m not very satisfied with, and I’m at the point where changes do need to be made, otherwise the frustrations might just get unmanageable.

Hope your week has been better than mine!

057b – need a break from constant evaluation and thoughts (read: anxiety)

August and September have been hard. I think truly, the “adjustment” to India began only in August. Living by myself is the only way I can really compare different locations and so May-July didn’t really give me the signal I needed. And boy, living by myself here is definitely hard. Safety (and associated things) is the core problem. Weather is second. Everything else I can still cope with. Or tolerate at least, for the good things.

Anxiety has been way too high. I think January-May was a relatively low anxiety period despite everything, because I’d “made the decision” to move, so I was essentially just enjoying life. May-July was okay as well. Lately I’ve been feeling really scattered, anxious, emotionally fragile, dependent, all sorts of things. I might need to consult my psychiatrist and get back on meds soon. Might help with the next few months.

Even though I have gained some clarity with respect to the question “how do I like to spend my time”, action is still something that proves to be tough on a daily basis.

I think I’m also tired of the “evaluative” thought-process that’s been constantly occurring in me over the last few months. With geography, with the things that I do, with relationships, everything. I really want to just be more present. Like sure, you have bad days and good days, or you have good things and bad things in most days, doesn’t always have to mean something. Yes, I’m doing some data collection but that’s not all I’m doing. Living is primary, capturing signal from living is secondary. And it will be subconscious, I don’t have to actively do it everyday. Reflection is important and I can keep regularly making space for it but I can’t keep reflecting while I’m experiencing. Might need to look a little more into the how of this.

I’ve also been a little unwell but it’s been tough to be easy on myself, because I’ve been so easy on myself over the last few months. I feel like that’s not fair and I shouldn’t have to “make up” for enjoying life but there’s definitely two parts in me that have been fighting on this quite a bit.

To summarise:

[Ick] How to take a break from constant evaluation and reflection, while life is happening? Ie how to be more present and in the moment?

[Ick] How to build more emotional resilience?

[Task] Schedule a session with my psychiatrist, maybe get back on anxiety meds

[Yum] The clarity wrt my creative outlets still persists and I’ve started vocalising it more in front of people as well, so that’s nice.

Alright that’s it from me. Intention for the week is to go easy on myself, hope y’all will do the same with yourselves!

057a – some clarity

It’s been a difficult week. Anxiety has been super active, and I’ve found that it likes to focus most on two subjects: career and love.

The interesting thing to realise is that my anxiety doesn’t focus on geography as much lately. (I think this could be a sign that India is working well for me, potentially. However, I know that it could be conditional on the fact that I have kept my daily frustrations minimised to a high level. I think I do feel more number of smaller, daily frustrations here and yet feel more of a long-term overall groundedness. But if the frustrations were more for any reason, there is potential for that to rock that feeling of overall stability, of course).

re: career

I’ve gotten more clarity on this as well. I’ve found that music and writing are the two forms of creative expression that I gravitate most towards (for various reasons which I know very well but don’t need to list out here). I can legit sit at home and play, sing and learn music all day, and that’d keep me at peace and also happy and also satisfied, fulfilled. If I were living in a vacuum, I’d probably continue life the way it has been over the last couple months for at least another couple years. But because we live in a society, and money is a thing, I’m thinking I’ll start looking for part-time, remote jobs (what kind, I don’t know yet) starting January. This would still allow me to continue to spend on creative pursuits, I think. And then I can always reevaluate.

I also think I’m not a big fan of the term “career”. I don’t think I’ll be working on building another career, so to speak. I’m probably more aligned with the idea of jobs, yes, when you need money, and otherwise of course spending your time meaningfully is important, and for me that meaning can be derived from the little things. In the current phase of my life, majority of my “work”-time would be devoted to creative expression, whether or not I share the results with the world or not. It’s what allows me to best explore my inner world (and maybe even the external world), and it’s what gives me the most joy and meaning. Whether or not it’s enough for long-term satisfaction is something I’ll probably know with more time, but for now this is enough.

re: love

I’m learning to focus more on the present, as opposed to worries about the future. This is obviously valid for life in general too, but can sometimes really show up with relationships and dating stuff. I’m learning to work on some of my anxious-attachment symptoms, therapy has been super helpful with all of this. I’m learning to listen to my body and my gut as opposed to my mind. My mind is very loud, tuning into the body is often the only thing that helps me be closer to what I really want.

Time to head out for my vocals lesson. Cheers!

056b – blocked or directionless?

I think I’ve been resisting a lot. Moments, feelings, thoughts. Resistance makes everything so much tougher than it needs to be. What am I feeling, really?

Right now, I think I do feel some amount of boredom, lack of motivation. I do feel a pressure to “do”, in a specific direction. In a direction that might feel justifiable to the brain. But I’m tired of my brain ruining my life. I’m tired of my brain constantly asking for attention. When it’s my body, my heart and my soul that I want to give more of my attention (and awareness to). So, okay, maybe the resistance was present for a reason. Maybe the resistance was coming from my body, and not from brain. Maybe my body knows that we don’t want to give in to the brain right now. The brain acts like a dictator at times, maybe the resistance was a combined protest.

I’m actually also feeling blocked by an Amazon pickup scheduled for “sometime” today. They haven’t really given me a specific time and generally somebody comes by before this time in the day. I need to take a shower and get on with life, but this thing has been blocking me since the afternoon.

I wish I could understand my cravings better, how they shift from one to another. How different addictions play against (or with) one another.

Adulting and surviving has been quite tough lately. I need to start “living” more again. I think the weather has been a major blocker to everything. I just feel so bogged down by the tiny but very many problems in and around me.

Okay, gratitude and positives: I have a vocals lesson coming up in a couple hours which I’m definitely looking forward to. I also like the walk back home from the place, so that’ll be nice. I can also practice drums a little bit if I can get there earlier.

Hoping the weather improves a bit over the next couple weeks, so I can try going out more during the day.

I think I’m definitely observing large amounts of the need of “control” over everything in life. It’s just so difficult for me to “let go” of things and let them take their course. I want to get better at surrendering to moments.

The thing that’s been helping the most is this book I started reading called Conversations on Love. It has a lot of helpful perspectives and different philosophies that can be applied even outside the context of love. The thing that’s helped the most so far is an introspection of “longing” as a feeling, which I do often struggle with.

Since I’m actually struggling with this right now as well, I’ll try to write some quick thoughts on longing: wanting something different than what you have, feel or are right now. Often, it’s unexplainable why you want the present moment to be different than what it is.

For me, currently it comes from an overarching feeling of lack of direction in life. Though I don’t think it’s completely true that direction is lacking. It’s maybe just enough, yet. Like there’s some presence of direction, but maybe I want more of it. Like a stronger presence of it.

I don’t know, maybe today’s a little like walking a bit in different directions but finding each path blocked, so I keep returning to take a new path. But I keep coming back. That’s the main problem. Anyway, maybe this wasn’t completely futile.

056a – discipline and work-ethic

Four months of being in India. And a month of being in my new place. I think the place isn’t very good, like vibes are great, but the amount of dust in the house is definitely a major issue. Might need to get a deep cleaning done. But now I’ve committed to being here for a year, so let’s see how that goes.

Music stuff is top priority for September, I’m tired of just saying this to myself over and over. Really need to get on with it. But my throat’s been hurting for the last couple days so I can’t really be too hard on myself.

Going through a mini-heartbreak, but all said and done, it could have been much worse, so I think I’ll bounce back quickly enough from this.

Trying to get some movement on my todo list which has been pretty static for the last couple weeks. If I can get even a couple tasks done a day, I’ll be good. But so far I’ve not been able to manage that.

I was feeling a little sad today at the realisation that I might have a decent amount of talent and passion, but I seriously lack discipline and work-ethic. I don’t know, I think I used to be better (on this vertical) even until grad school and first year of work, it’s all been downhill since then. Of course, I’ve also made other developments, like with more anxiety and stress, my “need” (or want) to be disciplined etc had gone down as well. ie I remember a strong decline in “wanting” traditional forms of success and achievement and in general a decline in ambition which I thought I was fine with. But maybe at some point the pendulum swung too far.

Yeah, if I rate my work ethic as an 8/10 until early 2020, I’d say it declined quite a bit during the pandemic, and then a harsh breakup, followed by a long anxiety-depression period. I’d say it was down to a 6/10 during most of 2022. And then of course a major part of 2023 has been an attempt to just be absent from this evaluation altogether, so I think I can safely ignore these thoughts around inadequacy ie if they’re stemming from evidence collected only over the last few months. I was literally on a break.

If I think I’ve had enough of a break, and I want to work towards building my work-ethic again, I can try that. I can try being “serious” in September and see if that feels better.

Started reading attached because my anxious attachment symptoms have been showing up a lot lately. I’ve heard mixed reviews about the book (ie too pop-culture-y etc) but so far I’ve been liking it. It’s also quite affirming in some ways.

Things are mostly okay otherwise. Hope September is better than August!

055b – quietening voices

I spend half of my time trying to quieten the voice in my head. My self-talk isn’t too negative (ie I have worked hard on this and at least that’s good), but there is still a lot of talking happening, I don’t think it’s very helpful. However, it’s a little tough to keep yourself engaged with something all the time. I wish doing nothing wasn’t so effortful.

I was working on a painting today but it didn’t turn out very well, so that bummed me out for quite a bit. But then I was going through an old sketchbook (not super old, maybe from a few months ago) and I discovered a painting that I really liked. In theory I know that making a lot of “bad” art is the only way I’ll also be able to make some good art, and all that’s fine, but it’s still a bummer when you don’t like the end result.

I’m not sure if I’ll ever be able to focus enough on a single form of creative expression for long enough that I can consider monetising it. This could just be the anxiety talking, or maybe I genuinely need some help with this.

Feeling more and more settled in my new place with each passing day though, and that feels good. I’m hosting a housewarming thing over the weekend and definitely looking forward to it.

I finally finished reading “Normal People” (having seen the show before made the read a little slow) but needless to say it was a great book. Sally Rooney’s definitely getting added to my favourite-authors list.

Having time to myself (ie time for emotions and art) has been great, but I do think I need to increase my chores/errands output a little bit too. Not very sure about how to go about doing this. Maybe I need to get more organised in some ways.

When I consume great content (ie content that impacts me in a unique way), it’s always accompanied by a desire to be making great content, but I’m not able to follow-through on execution, not much. I wish the line between self-compassion and complacency was not as fine.

Despite me having having moved out, the presence of my grandmother is just too strong. I feel bad for her mental state, but I also know I don’t have any solutions for her. She calls me once every 2-3 days and I try to talk to her but it’s just incredibly frustrating. I think knowing that she affects both my mom and dad so negatively makes me additionally unaccommodating of her.

Anyway, despite all this, I think I feel sufficiently grounded on a day-to-day basis. I’m about to turn 28 soon! I did some yearly reflection the other day but I want to make some more time for it. Might share that next post.

Good week ahead!

(Wrote this last night but forgot to hit publish, so here I go)

055a – “morning pages” but it’s just frustration

Mornings get incredibly tough out of the blue these days. I guess it’s just teething issues but I think when you’re not expecting certain things to happen it’s tougher to deal with them. Although of course our true strength is determined by and the maximum growth of course happens with the unexpected. I think I’m used to people only coming around when I know someone is supposed to come around. I was woken up today by a couple of doorbells by random errand workers and it just completely messed my morning up. I’d slept pretty late anyway so this made it quite worse.

I’ve been struggling with the amount of dust in the house, which causes me to be really alert and active when the house-help comes to do the cleaning and stuff. I’m also struggling with how much of mom’s voice keeps echoing whenever house-stuff is happening. Like I think in a vacuum, I wouldn’t even care about half the things, but her voice is so loud (figuratively) that I end up caring about 10 more things than I usually would. House tasks are endless, I haven’t been able to accept this yet.

I think alone time isn’t alone time when it’s being used up by tasks and chores. For it to be really quality alone time, I need to have more brain and body space to do nothing. Or to do things that help me feel more connected with myself. Like this, for example.

I have therapy today after almost two weeks, looking forward to it. I’d been thinking of reducing frequency from weekly to bi-weekly (to save expenses a little bit), but this gap made me realise I’m not ready to do that yet.

Physical activity has taken a hit over the last couple weeks because of the move, which I think is also affecting me quite a bit. Need to get this started again. Food has also taken a bit of a hit simply because I’m finding I feel quite lazy to cook or even assemble food, I might need to just spend the funds and keep a cook for my own sanity. Let’s see how that goes.

Social, dating, creative pursuits are going pretty decently, can’t complain much over there.

I think overall, I definitely don’t feel as much loneliness or isolation here (ie India), and general “big picture” anxiety is lower too, but I do feel more stressed and frustrated by the little things on a daily basis. Jury’s still out on what’s worse. Will be a major determinant for geographical decisions.

I got scammed by some fake caller the other day and I thought I was over it but somebody asked me a question about it just now and it triggered major “self-inadequacy” feelings in me (ie how could I be this stupid etc) which is making me realise I’m not completely over it. Ah, well.

Anyway, that’s it from the last couple days. Hope your day’s going better than mine is!

054b – updates + upcoming projects

So, it’s been roughly 2 weeks since I moved to my own place and today was the third time I came to my parents’ place to spend a night. It was great in terms of me finally feeling like my decision to move was not stupid at all. (I’d been having doubts earlier.)

I think we all tolerate each other much more and better when we have enough distance between us. I genuinely like coming over and hanging out with them once or twice a week. My mum’s more patient, my dad actually takes out more time to sit with me, even for a couple hours, and it just overall feels much better. I think this will definitely be good for my relationship with both my parents.

My apartment is in a much better state now, apart from a couple medium/small problems, but hopefully they’ll be resolved soon. I’m feeling much safer overall, sleeping better, and that’s been great.

Had my 6th drums class today and it was an absolute blast. It’s been so much fun and I can’t wait to play more regularly. I hope the new instructor that I find (I need to find a new one that’s closer to my new place) is also as good. I didn’t have the best impression of him initially (he was a little too talkative for my taste) but over time I’ve warmed up to him and he’s definitely a good teacher and a good drummer, for sure.

I finished watching Heartstopper Season 2 and it was absolutely mind-blowing. I remember liking Season 1 a lot but I think Season 2 just completely knocked it out of the park. The production quality, the character development, and so many “social”/emotional things handled so well. Just fkn amazing.

I had an emotionally tough evening yesterday, but was able to get through it by talking to a couple of close friends over the phone. Coming home today also helped with the reset. (This is definitely important data). I think overall I’m okay now, my top projects need to be the following over the next 2-3 months (the order and prioritisation is yet to be figured):

Quitting a certain addiction
A card-game entrepreneurial idea that I have
Music stuff (needs to be broken down)
Dating
Remaining house-setup

Oh, in other news, I started taking some extra lessons for school for this kid from downstairs, and that’s been kind of fun and fulfilling. He’s a pretty curious kid, and we’ve only had 4 lessons so far but so far I’m quite impressed.

I don’t feel like publishing this one. I’m not sure why, maybe because the quality / style feels off to me, or I feel like I’ve generally just been posting updates for a while now. But as I say this, I realise that that’s fine, because yes, journaling/blogging isn’t always going to be stylistic or creative, that’s barely the point.

054a – life is tough but i’m having a lot of fun

Thoughts have gotten a little tough since the first of the month.

Like I mentioned in my previous post, I moved to an apartment a few days ago, and transitioning + the amount of maintenance work to be done has completely killed the little productivity I had in me. I don’t know whether I had unrealistic expectations wrt moving, like maybe realistic expectations would have been accepting that adjustment does take some time, regardless of how comfortable or convenient you might have imagined the setup to have been.

My parents have been quite helpful with the move actually, and that for some reason has been introducing some guilt in me as well. Even though part of why I’d originally picked Delhi over other cities (like Mumbai or Bangalore) was literally that I have more support and resources available here. Not sure why then, when it comes to leaning on the support and resources, I feel conflicted. It might partly be because I’m more used to leaning on friends, etc. and maybe a part of me somewhere believes I need to be more “independent” as an adult. Maybe I feel like it’s kiddish to lean on parents for support. Part of me just feels guilty for taking their time and energy on things I can (I think) do by myself, even if I’d probably do them much slower if I were completely on my own.

Essentially, August feels like it’s not going to be very productive in terms of personal goals etc. (This may not end up being true, but currently it feels that way). Although I know that moving by itself was a big personal goal, so maybe— just maybe— it might be fine if I don’t “achieve” other things this month.

I do have a few music goals I still want to try to achieve this month, however. Main problem is they’re dependent on me having a decent work-setup (with a desk and mic). Maybe I can prioritise that this coming week.

I came to my parents’ house for the weekend and earlier was very annoyed at the prospect (thinking it’ll take away my whole weekend and that I have things to do etc) but it’s actually been quite nice. The fact that I’m here writing this post because I finally maybe feel “comfortable” enough to write is also saying something. It’s saying that I do need to make sure to get the setup I need as soon as possible. I’ll also get to do a drums class tomorrow so that’ll be nice, hopefully.

I feel like I’ve been focused on the fun stuff more than anything, and that’s the primary reason I’ve been feeling guilt about productivity etc. Like I’m legit enjoying life a lot at the moment (even with all its tough parts), but that makes me feel like I’m doing something wrong. Like.. I don’t deserve this, for some reason. I don’t know, maybe I can focus more on this in the next post. Can’t get into the whole thing right now. Should sleep.