mallika2608

013 – it’s okay to value your time

I made a mistake. I was actually feeling really good about getting done with the day around 11:15 pm but then I dawdled. I dawdled and I checked my phone and then I started reading stuff on twitter. And now it’s 11:45. This isn’t a great feeling. I wanted to explore a bit when I’m at peace. I don’t want to fall into the trap of revenge bedtime procrastination. The only way I would be able to sleep on time is when I find enough time in the day to be able to feel “satisfied”. And that’ll come from being able to do a little bit of things that make me happy and give me personal satisfaction.

It’s good that I know this and I see this. It’s good that I recognize this feeling that arises whenever I dawdle and scroll for too long. At least I think it’s good.

I want to get a little better at valuing my time. Earlier I was pushing back against this a bit. Because I thought I don’t want to be overly attached to my goals and desires. But now I feel like there can be a compromise. I’m sure it’s possible to have goals and desires and yet be non-attached to them? I know this is a pretty ideal state to be in, so I’m not taking it lightly.

I was also questioning where the need to value my time was coming from. I know now that it’s coming from a recognition of unfulfilled wants and desires. One of the reasons I was fighting so hard against my day job was that I felt like it was leaving me with no time for all my other pursuits. Of course, the anxiety and stress was real too, but maybe it doesn’t have to be a wild change. I see what’s happening, I’m trying to find a compromise. I’m trying to see if valuing my time (and eventually managing it better) will help me be more satisfied.

Whenever I think about creative pursuits, Maslow’s hierarchy of needs comes to mind. I keep thinking about how I’m often sad and/or dissatisfied because I keep trying to fulfill the (self-actualization, esteem) needs even without fully fulfilling my (physiological, safety and belongingness) needs. Why are the bottom three rungs so boring to look at or think about? Maybe because I haven’t solved them. Maybe because they’re supposedly easy and I keep failing at them. We keep trying to hack at happiness.

But then I also remember seeing a few posts about how Maslow’s hierarchy of needs is flawed. I also dislike research so I don’t think I’m going to look this up, though I do feel like it would be interesting to. (Well, note to self.)

I’m very glad that I’m not consuming mindlessly a lot these days. It’s nice. I think I’m not as addicted to scrolling and content anymore.

How do you set boundaries with your parents? I really love them and I genuinely like spending time with them, but I can’t figure a good way to seek and take their support without also inviting “parenting” in. I don’t want to be parented anymore, I just want some support. It’s a fine line. I’ve already had a couple of really tense arguments with my mother, and she’s barely been here two whole days. I remember it’d been the same way with my sister when she’d come to stay with me for a month around a year ago. But I remember making a shared document of working styles and communicating styles which had actually worked pretty well for us. Maybe I can do something similar this time too.

It’s already 12:30 am and I really wanna be in bed by 12:50 am. Can I try writing 400 more words in 20 minutes? I mean if I really just want to ramble on I probably could. What stops me generally is wanting to write something of relevance, something of value, something that ties in well with whatever I’ve written so far. Even though I’ve (way too) often told myself I don’t need to be worrying about all of that. I suppose there’s a part of me that thinks unabashed writing is lazy writing. And honestly, it probably is. But it’s probably better than no writing. Doing this day in and day out. This is the primary reason I really like my music teacher. She keeps asking me to sing and keeps reminding me how singing wrong notes is better than singing no notes. She gets it, she gets me, and she really “attacks” the biggest and the most primary fear in me. The fear of being bad.

I’m happy to have some of these structures in place. I think I do need to take some time out to set up a few more of these. I probably need monthly check-ins for admin tasks, large cleanup tasks, decluttering tasks. I know that getting these things done feels really good and yet I don’t do them enough. I think there’s something about batch processing not done right that just ends up being worse than the unideal alternative of stream processing.

I think at some point, somehow, I had just accepted batch processing to be the superior option for most tasks. This is especially true for chores. I would often skip daily chores and let them be a “weekend problem”. But when the weekend would come around I would often not feel like getting them done, sometimes just whimsically, and sometimes because it would feel more mammoth. So then I unconsciously shifted to stream processing for “all tasks”. Which then ended up crowding my daily life way too much. So now I gotta do an intentional evaluation of the treatment different kinds of tasks deserve.

Well, I’m kinda done. So it turns out I’ve started valuing my time again. I think it’s a good direction to be headed in. This doesn’t mean I would want to be crazy about saving time all the time and not be okay with wasting it once in a while, but in general, I would probably want to be at least a little aware of it. I still have 4 minutes to 1:00 am so I’d say not too bad. *pats self*

012 – why say, when you can ask?

I want to free some thoughts from my head. I woke up early (proper early – 6 am) since my mom’s visiting from India today and I plan to go and receive her. But there’s a delay (duh) so I have some free time as I wait to leave. I’ve barely slept 5 hours but I feel much better than I expected to feel. The sunrise’s scheduled for 7:15 am (it’s 6:45 am right now) and I’m torn between trying to write on here or go down and click pictures. Decisions, all the time. They weigh so heavy on my shoulders but there’s always many to make.

We’re constantly doing resource management, of course it’s going to be hard. Why is it harder for some people? I feel like I have a few problems. I don’t trust the budgets that I set for myself so I’m often optimizing for money, even though it would just make more sense to (or make my life easier if I could just) trust the budget. There’s probably reasons to why I don’t. It’d have to be a whole other annoying examination of everything I’m not tracking currently.
What about time? What structures can I have in place to reduce the worry of time-optimization in daily life? Monthly goals setting? Big and small? I do suppose that could help. It’s also the first day of February (short month!) so it seems like an opportune day to be thinking about this.. and maybe even attempting it, oof.

Not sure where this is coming from, but something about people and draining interactions.

How do you teach people to ask questions, instead of giving (mostly unsolicited) advice? I don’t know, constantly being “told to do something” has made me strongly averse to listening to people. I often feel a visceral recoil when someone gives me advice or says anything along the lines of “do this, do that.”

Even a conversation like this often bothers me quite a bit:

Me: I’m thinking of doing X.
Friend: Yes, you should do it.

This obviously has multiple possible explanations – maybe I already had some feelings about X, maybe I don’t like my friend as much as I think, etc etc. But, I think it’s also that a lot of people don’t know how to talk very well. Or maybe I’m very particular about the semantics.

Here’s a few examples of responses that wouldn’t have bothered me:

(Best)
Me: I’m thinking of doing X.
Friend: Oh yeah I think that’s a great idea! / That sounds so nice!

(Not the best but still decent)
Me: I’m thinking of doing X.
Friend: Oh yeah I think you should do it.

Maybe I just have a really bad relationship with “being pushed”.

And while I know that talking in terms of “I think” and “I feel” is generally regarded as good practice for communication between most “close” relationships, I wonder if that’s too much to hope for from all relationships?

Decisions and draining conversations – how do these relate? I think I know how. I think every-time I go through a draining conversation, I have to, in real time, decide whether to have the “you’re saying this, but I’m hearing this” conversation. If I decide not to do it in the present, it still persists and eventually I have to decide whether I want to have the “when you said this, I felt this” conversation. Even if I decide not to do it, I still have to resolve my feelings around the whole thing, LOL.

This brings me to another question. Lately I do feel like having the “when you said this, I felt this” kind of conversations with a lot of people. These are generally quite acceptable in personal relationships.. but how do we feel about them in professional relationships? Do we want to be having them? I see nothing but major benefits. But I don’t know, haven’t seen enough of these happening yet.

—

Unrelated. What is it about immersing your whole body in water that feels so good? I suppose it can be meditative. A few minutes of not being answerable to anyone (including self), not being accountable to anyone (including self), not having to make sense of anything. I can allow myself to exist, without having to be anywhere. Almost as if my feelings seek an outlet, and the water can sometimes provide that.

I’ve been wondering about the deep desire to be understood, I know I’ve been talking about it a lot. But where is it coming from? Today morning I had an extremely strong reaction to a misunderstanding between myself and my mom. I couldn’t figure out why being misunderstood feels like such a threat to me. I think it’s something about.. if people don’t understand me, then they have power over me. Do other people even matter though? Perhaps it’s more about myself.. If I don’t understand my feelings, then they have power over me.

I know the truer reframe for that is “if I don’t accept my feelings, then they have power over me”, but I hope it’s obvious that it’s so much easier to accept after understanding. So maybe all I’m really look for is my own understanding of my feelings. This is a nice little motivator for me to unpack as well. I could simply want to understand myself better so that my feelings don’t have (as much) power over me anymore.

—

How do I feel about writing that builds on what other people have already written? Last night I was questioning (again) why I’m doing this. I found this thread (of course it’s Visa) and I liked how much of a case he makes for being in touch with our feelings. I was looking for something like that and I found it and it resonated with me. When will this happen by itself though? When will I really be able to give myself the permission and encouragement to do this, solely because I want to? …I suppose it’s okay, can’t really question everything so much. There’s only so much time in a day.

011 – consumption, creation and the desire to feel special

Been wanting to think about this for a while. This post of mine from almost a year ago came back to me recently and I was thinking about how much things have changed. I was gravitating towards (media, art) consumption because the desire to feel something was trumping the desire to create something?

How out of touch from my feelings must I have been? Or was the tank really just empty? Guess I won’t know but if I had to hazard a guess it was likely the former.

I think when my “feelings tank” is full, consumption rarely helps. It can sometimes help in the moment by providing a distraction of sorts, but more often than not it just acts as a temporary numbing agent. But when the feelings tank is empty, it looks like consumption can help me feel something? I feel like whenever I’m at this point – if I change my consumption of (media, art) to that of (experiences, people) instead, could I possibly feel more valuable things?

Gosh, I don’t know, this is getting a little dense for me right now. I watched Call Me By Your Name for the second time and enjoyed it so much more than I had the first time around. I realized I’d missed so much of the brilliance when I’d seen it earlier. I ordered the book as well, looking forward to reading it. But my motivation today to start watching it wasn’t to “feel” something, my feelings tank was definitely quite full, but it was more to resolve one or more of these feelings — the feeling of loneliness, the feeling of not being fully understood by the people around me? and other related feelings.

And this is pretty much the same reason I’ve been posting as well, to resolve the feeling of not being fully understood.

This might be one of the rare phases that consumption and creation were driven by the same motivation. Or maybe they always can be, and us choosing one is perhaps based on other factors?

Last week I kept feeling like consuming isn’t as exciting as creating. But watching this movie was a thoroughly exciting experience.

I think it’s safe to say that both consuming and creating can help resolve certain feelings, and give rise to new ones as well. Should we always pick creation though, since it adds more value to the world? Or is that even true? I’m sure when we consume certain things, we are in some (many) ways adding value to the ones who created them. So it’s also safe to say that both are equally valuable to the world.

So it looks like both activities can

help resolve certain feelings
help create new feelings
add some value to the world

So how do we even pick between them? Is it even a competition? Maybe they can work together for us.

Or maybe we can think about what are the requirements for each of these.

consuming

I feel like when we want to consume to resolve certain feelings, we might need to have an idea of what we want to consume for that to happen. If that’s not the case it’ll probably just end up working as a numbing agent.

And when we’re doing it to create new feelings, the main things we need are probably time and an open-mind.

creating

In this case, when the driving factor is feelings resolution, I think it’s simpler – if we follow them, they pretty much do the work we need. It might be safe to say that we need at least one of (ideas, feelings) to create something. I suppose the best things come around when the two work together?

Eh, I don’t know where I’m going with this. There’s not much more to say on this right now so I’ll give it a rest and stop forcing myself to come up with something.

—

*12 hours later*

Went back to Visa’s post about “reflecting on why” since I remember reading some stuff about this topic on it. He talks about how being really, deeply useful to a lot of people is something that could fulfill him. I think that’s a good, different framing for “adding value to the world”, and I think that’s one of my unfulfilled needs at this time as well. This often comes to us in different words, right? Impact, purpose, calling. Feeling needed, feeling like you exist, for something or someone else. It doesn’t have to be a single thing or person, as long as the sum of the value you’re adding to the world is enough for your own satisfaction.

I suppose my dissatisfaction is coming from the fact (or the feeling) that for the last few months I’ve only been “taking” support from people. Taking, taking and taking. At work as well as personal relationships. So bear in mind that when I say “creating”, I don’t only mean art or media, it can really be anything. I guess at its core I probably just mean “creating value”.

Not to say there’s anything wrong with seeking support and maybe needing that for extended periods of time as well. I do believe in the idea of “secure your own mask first before assisting others”. Or with things that cannot be fully resolved, it’s okay to do it somewhat parallely as well. But yes, it does create an unfulfilled need. Finding small ways of adding value could probably help with that. Creating small units of “content” has been quite nice for the same reason, so far. Offering support to junior team members at work is another – I plan to do this the coming week. Of course, one would say, if you really wanna add so much “value” to the world, why don’t you go out and do some social work? Honestly, it’s a valid counter. I wonder why the thought of it is not as exciting. Is there something about me wanting to provide value in “my own, unique”ways? Wanting to feel special, even?

It makes sense then why creating could generally be more exciting than consuming. Consuming in “my own special way” can only work if I can communicate that to someone (examples: give an artist feedback about how their work impacted me, or tell someone a story about how a particular experience shaped me). Creating on the other hand probably has that “uniqueness” built in itself.

Do I want to summarize this? Not really sure. I’ll just end with maybe the factors I might want to look out for the next time I have a chunk of time and I can’t decide what to do with it. When picking between two activities, I probably want to optimize for these and ask myself if the activity will:

help resolve certain feelings
- do i know which feelings i want to resolve and what kind of content or activities can help me do that?
help create new feelings
- am i open-minded at this point of time? emotionally, intellectually
add value to the world
- do i have ideas and skills
add value that only i can provide / honor my uniqueness
- do i have ideas and skills

008b – rest and growth

Preamble: Wrote this a couple days ago since I was feeling quite “inspired”. But turns out it was just a passing feeling, hence the easy end.

I’ve been thinking about growth lately. There’s definitely a big part of me that likes to grow. I don’t like worrying about things too much and anxiety almost always feels like a constant problem, but sometimes I enjoy these problems, I guess. Or at least, I like the feeling of making my out of the darkness. Or even when it’s not as dark, even when it’s a “simpler emergence”, I do like chasing some sort of goals. Nothing special, pretty normal, a lot of us do it – it’s just new again for me since for a while I thought I only wanted to rest. I had weeks and weeks of wanting to do nothing, I just wanted to breathe and relax and take life in.

When things get hard, I enjoy dissociating from myself. I subscribe to Buddhist ideas like “I am not my thoughts, I am not my feelings”. And it’s pretty helpful. The less attached I am to the idea of “Me” or “I”, the easier it generally is to accept whatever is happening to me.

But when things are “okay” again, I sometimes find myself getting attached to myself again. I find myself looking at myself like a project again, something to constantly be improving and working on. In the previous post I realized I don’t value my time enough, and I think that’s a product of some of “detachment” (so to say) that I was trying to practice.

But I’m thinking about growth again, and I’m finding that I want to get over my fears “faster”. Where’s that need coming from? I’m finding that I “want” to value my time? Where is this sense of urgency coming from? Do I want to pay attention to it? Do I even want to act on it? Is it even correct? Probably not, I think.

I think many us go through this. Phases of growth, phases of rest. The sinusoidal waves of life.

But I need to be careful between the rest and the growth phase. Even though it’d be nice to keep failing fast, I want to be a little careful, still. Because emotions can be unpredictable. It would probably make sense to keep a decent amount of buffer for them. When I plan for a growth phase, I probably shouldn’t do the planning based on “how I feel during the rest phase”.

I suppose this ends up at the two common strategies we often debate on:

A. Under-plan, and overdo, if that happens?
B. Over-plan and be okay with meeting only a % of it?

I think at this point, strategy A looks like a better option to me, because it leaves enough time for me to have fun on the way.. not super sure why I was even debating this to be honest.

010 – reflecting on writing or expression

Probably about to reach ten posts soon. It’s been a fun week, I know the pace isn’t sustainable for me but it’s been fun to find that excitement. I’m at that point where I can allow myself to think a little bit about the meta-questions that are coming up. I am not super sure about having too many meta-posts on here, but again.. can’t really care about all of that right now, right? Gotta keep playing the numbers game.

So, who am I writing (expressing) for? Do I want other people to read this? Why do I want them to read this? If I do want them to read this, what value can I give to them? Do I need to start thinking about the topics that I’m writing about? Some of the surface level thoughts and feelings are done, how do I be okay with diving in deeper? I also noticed how the first post isn’t visible on the home page anymore, I don’t really feel like investing time in making sure all posts are easily accessible, but I think I’m probably going to have to.

Now that I’ve asked these questions, might as well attempt answering them. *sigh*

Who am I writing (expressing) for?

Pretty much myself. I have a need (want) to express, to feel heard and to feel seen. And my current “listeners” (friends, family, therapist) are unable to fulfill that need well enough. Writing and sharing it out into the world makes me feel like I’m somehow addressing that need, even if I don’t always get immediate engagement or the pleasure of truly knowing that that’s happening. But it’s a gut thing, a feelings thing – and it’s working, at least so far. Plus, I have my (potentially) meaningless goal of quantity that I also get to chase.

Do I want other people to read this?

Well, now that I’ve brought up the desire to feel seen and heard, I’d say yes. I also find myself sharing a few of these with people whose opinions I value or care about. So, yes, I think I definitely have started wanting people’s eyes on these.

Why do I want them to read this?

This is the tough question, isn’t it? Again, wanting to feel seen and heard. Validation. Engagement? Potential conversations? I did feel really warm when a couple of people messaged me telling me how some of the stuff I shared resonated with them. That was a nice feeling. But I think when it happens organically, it’s better. Not sure whether this is true. Why does the value of their attention reduce if I ask them for it? Does it? Unsure whether I do feel this way or not.

If I do want them to read this, what value can I give to them?

This is probably quite tough. I know a lot of amazing people have thought and written about this, so I’m sure I’m going to have to do some research on this one. Right now, I feel like the only people who’re probably going to want to read anything I’m expressing are mostly the people who I already know or have a relationship with – the people who want to get to know me. This is not true, though. I’ve had some strangers read some of the stuff I’ve written. And they’ve found that they were able to connect or resonate with some of it.

I think.. maybe honesty is the only value I can give to them, right now. I could want to educate people on topics that I care about, as well. I know for sure that there’s a big market for mental health education, LGBT dialog and education, specially in South Asian culture!
Pretty much every-time I’ve come out to someone about both mental health or sexuality, I’ve often received the same comment – something about how brave I am. Sometimes that bothers me (more on that in a separate post, someday), but mostly I think it comes from the fact that there’s 👏 not 👏 enough 👏 representation.

I know I have some the tools one generally needs for this to work (this is based on feedback that I’ve sometimes received, but also things I feel about myself haha). That’s not to say one always needs all of these to exist, but I’m sure they’re good-to-haves.

Clarity
Relatability
Honesty + Vulnerability (albeit intentional)
Empathy
Passion, care, a personal interest (I’ve heard that this one generally matters the most)

What I would need, additionally

Feedback loops
More experience, more of me being out there doing and feeling things again and again, can’t just keep exhausting what I already have, need to diversify with newness from time to time

Do I need to start thinking about the topics that I’m writing about?

Probably don’t need to worry about this, whatever comes naturally is probably the best thing to talk about. Can’t really afford to, at this point either. I can only see that hampering my pace.

Some of the surface level thoughts and feelings are done, how do I be okay with diving in deeper?

This one’s quite tough as well. I think it’s the same thing again, the deeper I go, the more vulnerable I’ll have to be. But I think like before, the only way out is through.

Anything else that comes up?

One thing I don’t really enjoy is doing research. I often find myself getting lost when I try to look up what already exists about a certain topic. Sometimes I get discouraged because “so much” already exists about everything – who’s going to want to read “more” of it? I know we all have this unnecessary need to be original and unique. We forget that we are being unique, regardless of whether someone else has already talked about it. This is why I’ve mostly only written about personal thoughts and feelings so far, research gets daunting, it reduces the excitement. I might have to address this, I’ll probably have to think about what the motivators and benefits of (good?) research could be. Then I also think about how sometimes I’ve come across really amazing things (art, writings, concepts, projects) on the Internet which have often inspired me to do things. I guess always checking in with self could work. It’s going to have to be like any other process, anything can get daunting and tiring from time to time. Maybe I have a general clouded “negative” idea of research. Maybe if I did it with a fresh outlook, for things that I care about, and things I know that I care about, maybe it’ll be different? It’s possible.

009 – why we’re scared of failing fast + are we?

Why am I scared of failing fast? Why do we spend hours and hours in preparation for important things only to tank them anyway? I think it comes from a belief that “opportunities are limited”. And for me, that comes from my parents’ upbringing, and hence mine. When they got opportunities in their time, it was critical for them to make the best of them – because opportunities were indeed, limited.

For me however this is barely true anymore. I’m privileged enough to have more than a basic set of skills, tools and financial support to sustain myself. A few missed opportunities is probably barely going to make a difference for me.

I know it sounds like I’m coming at this from a “work and career” perspective here but I mean this for everything. I have a terribly strong fear of failure in me. It shows up in long-term “important” actions like wanting to quit my job sometimes (and here maybe it’s aligned with my values for that to exist), but it also shows up in the most minuscule of actions. I only put up code changes once I’ve made them “as perfect” as possible, because I’m afraid of “too many” comments or feedback on them. (Even though I don’t need to be.) Failing fast should probably work much better for most communities, and at some level I do know this. I should be able to bring up issues and problems out in the open, as fast as possible. It’s not “on me” to fix everything. The more problems that exist, the happier my company would be, ideally. These are people who enjoy problem solving.

I’m afraid of going on dates until I feel like I’m in a good place, even though.. I think, in reality – all of that barely makes a difference. I can be the most perfect version of myself and it still won’t work. Or I can be flawed and rough and it still might. Plenty of people in the world, right?

(Emotional) tunnel vision probably has a big role to play here too.

It’s the same thing with difficult emotional conversations as well. Scared of testing the waters. Afraid of saying the wrong thing too soon.. when in reality – the faster you fuck up – the faster you improve and grow. I’d heard this advice from someone on how to do college best. It was that one should try to get a C or a B right in the first semester itself – it’ll free you up. Though it made sense to me even at the time, I wasn’t fully able to absorb it. And then there’s this other piece of how a bad grade might also not feel like enough of a failure sometimes. I still think it’s brilliant advice though. I see one problem with it however – it’s often hard to fail deliberately. It’s hard to go into something “knowing” you’re likely to fail at it.

The only thing you can really do is continue to set yourself up for failure (without thinking you’re doing that), by doing every little scary or difficult thing that you’re pushing away. Probably best to do a quick cost-benefit analysis though – we don’t want to be impulsive and risk getting traumatized.

The other reason could be low self-esteem, of course. The lack of trust and confidence that I’ll be able to cope with failure, that I’ll be able to build myself up again. I’ve been beating myself up lately about how “I haven’t really failed enough” and that’s the reason these new failures feel so big. But today as I’m thinking about it, I think that’s not correct. I have failed enough. I do remember how much some of the “hardships” I’ve had to face in the past have affected me. Like if I made a list – I’m sure I could come up with at least 10 ten things which at the time felt like “the end of the world”. Yet, this month, I felt like everything bad that was happening to me was for the first time in my life. So maybe we forget how strong we are? Maybe we forget how much we’ve coped with? There’s a famous quote by Donald Winnicott, which is – “The catastrophe you fear will happen has in fact already happened.” It makes sense – trauma is probably so painful that it makes sense for us to suppress it when it happens – but often it manifests as fears instead.

Does that mean my fear of failures points to a bunch of unprocessed failures? It’s possible.

I’m sure personality types do have a role to play here. What makes some people grow from failures, and what makes some people more fearful instead? It’s possible that different people are afraid of different types of failures though, so it might just feel like we’re alone in our fears.

Didn’t really get too far on this but here’s what I have so far (for myself, at least)

Beliefs about scarcity and limited opportunities, people
Beliefs about self’s inabilities to cope with failure, to cope with the emotions that accompany failure
Hazy memory, inability to collect and remember past failures
Potential unprocessed failures
I might not truly be as fearful as I think I am
- This might have some truth to it since I’m up at 5 am not giving fucks about my sleep schedule, even though last week was traumatic and I’d told myself I that I need to be disciplined

Okay, I think I have one more. People like me don’t value our time enough. And I don’t mean this in a harsh way. But if I did, I’d probably be getting more done – I’d be failing more and succeeding more. I’d spend more of my time facing my fears than I’d spend living in those fears. This one’s good, this one’s important I think. And seriously fuck the pandemic excuse. Anyone who’s saying they’re not growing during the pandemic is probably not being creative and intentional enough*. It’s interesting, this one was present in the question all along. We were talking about failing “fast”. There’s clearly a time dimension there. 🙂

*Of course, assuming one is safe, healthy and has a job.

008a – appreciation for the sea

She stands at the edge of the pier, staring into the water the surface of which glistens brightly under the evening sky. She wishes the waves would meet her eyes and bring answers to questions she doesn’t know she has. Another lost soul makes its way to where she stands, but she doesn’t turn around – she fears she’ll see herself in them. She doesn’t turn around, she fears she might have to acknowledge their presence, she’s not done grieving the lost ones yet. She stares into the sea, hoping it’s her desperation that’s making it talk, and not the moon that’s barely visible tonight.

She hears voices float towards her from a little far away, a family of four out for fun, out practicing, trying to catch fish. She hears the voices but she doesn’t pay attention to them, she’s hoping the ripples and the waves will somehow fuse to make the sound that she really wants to hear. The sounds of the lost ones.

She’s been coming here for the last seven days, seeking and saying goodbye at the same time. She fears being recognized. She thinks if someone saw her twice they’d know what was happening, they’d know she’s been grieving. She’s shared her grief with everyone who’s listened, yet tonight she doesn’t want to be seen. Not unless that can bring her comfort.

She’s listened to Atlas Hands for hours and she’s found comfort in the idea of a shared external world. She cannot reach the moon or the stars but she can get pretty close to the sea. This is the first time in years she’s glad she lives near the water. This is the first time she’s fully appreciated the sea and all it can be and everything it can mean.

She is falling in love again. She is transferring her love for another heart into the sea. She tries to draw the meaning out of the memories and pour it all out into the sea, where it can dissolve with the water and free her a little bit. She’s been doing this for seven days, or seventy, she’s not really sure.

She starts making her way back to her house, there’s real life she needs to get back to. She doesn’t really want to go back, it’s peaceful outside. There’s a homeless man sleeping near a sidewalk, she wonders if she’d ever survive a life like that. She sees a group of homeless men talking and laughing. She wonders if, in this moment, they’re happier than she feels. She pays attention to people on her way back. She feels drawn to them, in ways she can’t always describe to other people. She moves slowly, as if in a movie. Everything she perceives feels beautiful. Every noise musical, every movement graceful.

She’s making room for the new ones and she doesn’t know it yet. She doesn’t know she’ll be thinking about this night a couple months later from now. She’s found meaning in life all by herself and she doesn’t know it yet.

—

Credits: 1 2 3

007 – how internal and external awareness intersect

Preamble: This one’s a little all over the place, and perhaps a little circular in many ways, but I’ll post it out anyway since I’m pretty happy with the rough conclusion I was able to somehow reach. A little low on the word count on this but I’m sure the previous one makes up for it.

Today I want to take some time out to babble on about feelings and perception. I’ve been thinking how it’s funny (or interesting?) that one of the key concepts of therapy and psychology is “naming” your feelings to become more aware of them. And how one of the key concepts of Buddhism and mindfulness is to perceive the external world (and maybe even our internal world?) without naming it, without judging it. Both of these ideas however, as far as I’m aware, have the same goals, i.e. increased and expanded awareness.

So how does this work? How is it okay and even beneficial to name our feelings, but why is it beneficial to perceive external sights, sounds and smells without trying to label them?

Of course one of the key points is that there’s a difference between naming something and judging something. Let’s maybe break these two things down.

feelings + mindfulness

A situation occurs. We feel things. We make stories out of our feelings. More often than not, the stories are wrong. So here, if we interrupt the storytelling with just trying to name the feelings instead, we can become “aware” of them. Once we’re aware of them, we can remove the stories we were adding on to them.

Let’s look at this with an example:

A situation occurs (my roommate left dirty dishes in the sink). We feel things (anger, annoyance, frustration). We make stories out of our feelings (my roommate is irresponsible, my roommate doesn’t respect rules, my roommate doesn’t care about cleanliness). More often than not, the stories are wrong. So here, if we interrupt the storytelling with just trying to name the feelings instead, we can become “aware” of them. Once we’re aware of them, we can remove the stories we were adding on to them.

Of course, there’s still some societal judgement that might persist (i.e. “anger” and “sadness” could be viewed as bad, or negative), but at least, we’ve removed the judgement about them from this particular situation.

perception + mindfulness

Most meditation practices have some of these common directives: observe the world, focus on anything in your sights, look at objects, but try not to name them. Since naming them will create additional stories about them. For example, if you’re outside and you’re looking at some mud – try not to think of it as mud – since that might create a negative response in you. Or even flowers – perceive them, but don’t judge them. Don’t add thoughts onto them.

reframe

Okay, I just realized that the goal of naming our feelings or getting in touch with our feelings is not awareness for the sake of it, the primary goal is to get distance from our feelings, or to enable unattachment from them, i.e. enable us to stop identifying with them.

Whereas the goal of perception, is also to create distance from ourselves, but the directive to avoid naming or judging things is probably only so that we don’t create unnecessary feelings, if they didn’t have to come about.

Naming our feelings, can help us get closer to our bodies, and away from our thoughts.

some sort of a conclusion

I suppose it’s because perceiving the external world comes naturally to us. We’re taught how to do this, most of us do this ever since we’re born. But we’re only clouded by whatever we’ve learned about these things. So in this case, we can directly start off by removing the “names and judgement” layer from these objects. It’s easier for a kid to “notice” an apple if they’ve seen it before. (I think) So, all we need to work on while practicing mindfulness is to remove the judgement of how an apple makes us feel (hungry, or nice) or what it looks like (ripe, or rotten, etc.)

But, not all of us are taught how to perceive our internal worlds or our bodies. So we’ve to first understand how to perceive it, and then work on the judgement part of it. Once I know what an emotion feels like, I can notice it, recognize it again. Once I get good at perceiving it, I can work on perception without judgement.

I suppose, naming our feelings simply allows for increased perception. Increased perception, when done right, can then allow for increased awareness.

So, it’s not that these concepts are meeting each other from opposite ends, but that they’re probably step 1 and step 2 of the same eventual goal – that of increased and expanded awareness.

006 – reflecting on friendships

I recently met someone new and we got to talking about friendships. (Side-rant: Sometimes I wonder why I like to give context about where a thought came from. I don’t know, maybe it’s just the flow, but at times I feel I also want to credit that person whose company helped give birth to this thought-cloud. If they happen to read it, it might be nice for them to know?)

So anyway, we got to talking about friendships. I’ve been thinking about a friendship that I’m soon going to need to let go of, or at least get some space from, so I brought that up as well. Naturally, a bunch of conflicting feelings around it, the biggest being – how did I end up in a long-term, seemingly close friendship that I don’t really enjoy? I claim to be courageous, honest, direct and brave with many other difficult things, and yet I fuck up this basic thing that seems to come so easily to most people? I didn’t have the answers with me at the time, but I’ve been pondering a little bit and want to see if maybe I do.

Originally, we became friends because of circumstance, and mostly continued to stay friends thanks to circumstance as well. We all have those friends, right? So how does one separate self from a relation like that? I suppose most people form new relationships?

I think I have the answers, these are the some of the factors I wasn’t accounting for when I decided to “continue” a strong relation with that friend.

People’s advice: They didn’t know me, they didn’t know her, they didn’t know the details of our relationship, so they always gave me “bad” (and often unsolicited) advice. And since I was weak (or if I want to be kind to myself, impressionable), I listened.
Potential loneliness: Ah, the dreaded loneliness. The feeling that apparently goes away if you have someone around. Who are these people kidding? How can loneliness go away just because you have someone around? People live in such strong denial – loveless marriages, loveless relations, and I’m so angry that they push all of this on other people. And I regret letting myself fall into these traps of fear.
“Politeness”: AKA my inability to set boundaries. My inability to say no. My own imperfect ideals of perfectionism and kindness. My inability to see that the truth is kinder than any other kindness I might try to bestow upon people.
Lack of awareness: Of course, this seems to be prevalent in most of my posts so far. I only started getting in touch with my feelings around two years ago, and because I’ve always had other (almost objectively) bigger things to tackle, I suppose I wasn’t ready to look at my friendships clearly.

Now, something you might notice (if you for any reason went through some of my other posts) is how often I mention things like human connection and being intentional about the people we spend our time with. I wasn’t always like this. Since I only started becoming aware a while ago, I think it was only around the same time that I began addressing or looking at the things that were missing from my life. I’m not someone who’s ever had a hard time making friends. I used to definitely be introverted as well as shy and reserved, so it definitely took me a while sometimes, but it had always been that way, and it was rarely something that bothered me.

But when I moved to this foreign country that I currently reside in, some of my anxiety (that manifested as really strong body dysmorphia) pretty much hit my “social life” the most. My self-esteem and self-confidence plummeted really hard. What’s the easiest and the most instinctive reaction to anxiety? Avoidance. So I suppressed most of my social needs and wants, and told myself that it’s okay, and that I’ll cope. I did manage to make some really good friends, I did do the bare minimum, but it wasn’t enough. So, for almost 1-2 years, I took the company of whomever it was easiest to spend time with (i.e. whomever I felt least anxious with), as opposed to checking whether I even enjoy their company enough. Whether I would seek their company as much, if I was in my best place.

So, I would often find myself in this place, where I felt like I had a lot of friends and a lot of people I could reach out to, but I often felt terribly lonely. (I know that this is a common sentiment echoed by many people, and @visakanv has talked a lot about this in a lot of his writing as well, but well, let me find out where I’m going with this.)

One of the first life-changing questions my first therapist had asked me, I think basically around 2-3 sessions in, after I’d described a “humans” related situation that was terribly anxiety provoking was something like – “and what do you think, do you feel like your social needs are currently being met?” In all honesty, I cannot describe in words the feeling that floated through me – it started near my head but definitely made its way to my feet (and out, I think) – as I thought about it and slowly uttered the words, “I guess not”.

This was also the first time I’d realized that anxiety by itself was not the problem, the problem was that it was stopping me from doing the things that I wanted to do. This is probably very easy for a third person or a professional to see, but for almost a year and a half, I couldn’t see it, my close friends and family couldn’t see it, my significant other at the time couldn’t see it, and honestly, it still baffles me a little bit. This was the first time I considered a reframe: I didn’t need to stop the anxiety, I needed to continue to do the things that I want to do in spite of it, or even if it comes up.

(I feel the need to apologize that most of my posts end up describing anxiety in some or the other way, regardless of what I start talking about, but of course I don’t need to apologize, so I’ll just throw this out and keep moving on.)

Anyway, a slightly hasty wrap-up. Re-evaluated my needs. Turned out I hadn’t been taking care of my social needs, so I started seeking company more. But anxiety was still a huge factor, so whenever it was hard to meet new people, I’d end up seeking whatever company I could easily get. It was a band-aid solution, and though it had its uses and I’m genuinely very grateful for the company and support I did get, it wasn’t foolproof. In retrospect, I do wish I’d ripped it off sooner. Ah, well.

So, even though it’s been a while that I’ve accepted that human connection is not something I’m going to take for granted, and that it’s surely going to be a pillar for me for years to come, it’s time to address that there’s more to it. Intentionally seeking and building strong, deep and real connections is also going to be a thing. I want to consider giving friendships the same kind of careful consideration that I would give a romantic relationship. I think I’ll be happier. Even if that’s just in their pursuit, of course.

005 – are you still heartbroken? + mental health + shame

One of the first questions that people ask you when you talk to them about (romantic) heartbreak is whether you’re still heartbroken. How do you begin to answer that? My guess is if it’s not a clear no, then it’s probably a yes. Everyone goes through this process, you stop talking to the person, you delete their digital memories, you start thinking of yourself again. First – alone, then, with new people. You keep getting triggered every time you talk to or meet people you don’t like as much and so on and so forth. You make time for friends and family, you realize you’re craving a romantic connection with someone again, and you get back on the saddle with a fresh outlook.

Then, on a random Monday you’re dragged back into the mulch again. You wonder why it’s so hard to let a person or their idea go. You attempt to rationalize things again. You tell yourself the person is just a representation of everything you’re capable of feeling for another human being. Sometimes you try to feel these feels through other means – fantasy, movies, books, intoxicating substances (ha ha), only to, once again realize, that it’s only fun when you feel it for a human being. Perhaps some people might have mastered the art of not wanting to feel these feels at all, or maybe some have mastered being satisfied in feeling this only for their own selves, but I’m sure there are enough of us who want to feel it for another human being. And there’s probably nothing wrong with that – though the amount of time and energy we would want to spend on pursuing that want would of course have to be carefully reviewed.

Every feeling creates a bunch of thoughts, every thought creates a bunch of questions. That is all okay but it becomes a problem when we keep going round and round in circles. I did some normal girl shit like distracting myself and taking a small walk around the house to resist getting sucked back into the ground. And I’m glad to announce, it worked. So I’m back here to ask myself some of these questions and attempt to answer them here. This is so I can maybe reduce them from popping up as often as they currently do.

Am I still heartbroken? I think, no. I’m ready to move on.

What does that mean for me? Well, I gotta reply to this one seemingly nice girl who asked me out and gave me her number a week ago. I gotta explain why anxiety and depression didn’t give me the time to respond for the whole week, and I gotta be vulnerable enough to ask her if she’s still interested.
If she says no, I think I’ll be fine – a little disappointed but not too bothered.

If she says yes, I’ll be glad, but I’ll also have to face some of my fears again. The fact that I don’t feel confident and uplifted enough. The fact that feelings and emotions are hard all the time and I’m afraid and wary of doing things that have the potential to make me feel something (“negative”). The fact that I feel like I might cry if I think about someone else for more than a few minutes. The fact that I never know how much to talk about anxiety and depression because people get a bit weird about it, even though I don’t feel like there’s a need to. The fact that it’s so much harder to bring this up when going on a date with someone, simply because it feels like a bigger deal to reveal that about myself in that equation.

So much shame when it comes to mental health problems, I cannot even. Where does it even come from?

Here’s some of the things that I do or have done which might give someone (or myself) the impression that I’m pretty chill and well-adjusted when it comes to dialog around mental health:

Most of my family and close friends know about what I’ve been dealing with.
The memes. the jokes. the tweets, the posts.
One of my Hinge profile prompts says that a social cause I care about is mental health awareness and the destigmatization of dialog around it.
- This one’s going to be fun to think about, but I’m already realizing that I put this up almost 4-5 months ago but haven’t really taken much action when it comes to it, apart from, of course, being as open as I can be from time to time.
People at my workplace (in my team) know about it, about the fact that I have generalized anxiety, and that I’m in therapy as well.

Then, what is it? Where’s the shame coming from? Or, what do I hope for? These might be two separate questions but the second framing makes it easier to answer at least one of them. One of things I want to be able to do is be okay with saying “I’m feeling really anxious so I think I’m going to go home” instead of “Oh, I just have a lot of work and chores to do so I think I’m going to go home”. I think this is the first time I’ve put this down in words (apart from in therapy once, and I think the solution didn’t stick), so I’m excited to attempt this again if a situation asks for it.

While I’m at it, it might be worth addressing why I don’t already do this. I think there’s two reasons – a fear of the follow-up question, and putting the other person (or people) in a spot.

What is the follow-up question I’m afraid of? Basically someone asking me why I’m feeling anxious. In all honesty, I think it bothers me when it’s not asked, and I haven’t fully resolved what answers (or truth) I’m okay with revealing when someone does ask me that. I suppose that’s probably something I might need to figure out before I attempt experimenting with this.

Ugh, emotional labor does get tiring sometimes. What a damper. The sun’s almost gone down as well, but I’ll try not to relate these two stimuli.