mallika2608

064 – How can I become friends with my fantasies?

Preamble: I rarely make two posts in a day, I’ve no idea what the internet guidelines around that are, but well– I’ve written it now, there’s no point waiting to publish.

—

Anyway, this is the question that has been on my mind a lot, lately. Because I know many of my problems come from (or are made worse) because I’m often walking around “in my head”. Fantasising about conversations I might never have, about ideas I may never execute, about dreams that might never become real. And on the flip side, also “fantasising” about problems that don’t yet exist etc— of course, this is better known as anxiety.

I know that part of it is an “addiction” to thinking, and the simplest advice is always to “come back to the present”.

But I want to talk about an important reframe, first:

There are benefits to thinking, keeping some checks in place for big worries (for e.g. financial investments, planning), preparation for important things like job interviews, and various other things. Especially now that I know myself better, the benefits are EVEN more important to remember, because the pre-thinking (or preparation) is an important part of my process, and without it, I may have more regrets, and a lower tolerance for things “going wrong”.

However, the thinking needs to happen in a more embodied way. Which is why journaling, blogging, doodling, notes, etc are GOOD. Thinking that is ONLY happening in your head— BAD.

So there are two sides to the problem of fantasy:

Anxiety (or Worry, or a “need” to plan a bit for the future)

From above: I think this is okay, we have to be mindful of overdoing this, but a bit of embodied preparation and planning is beneficial, and I can continue to do this.

But there’s also the other side, which so far I used to let myself go almost “crazy” with, and have only very recently started looking at in more depth or detail.
Fantasy (Good Fantasies)

Why is this a problem? Well, I think, the more you fantasise about things, the more you’re prone to disappointments and heartbreaks. With dreams, love, whatever it may be, you’ve added to your life an imagined reality which you then have to grieve. While wants and desires are perfectly natural, I do wonder if stitching vivid images of what they should look like is necessary.

Overall, there’s also the thing which we originally started with. Some of us often fantasise to escape our feelings, really, to escape from the present. For example, I’ve noticed that if I feel (romantic) curiosity or longing or an interest towards someone, I start to fantasise about a potential future where I’m dating this person and having all these amazing conversations with them. What am I escaping, here? I’m escaping the feeling of “not actually having someone in my life at the moment” who I can do all those things with. That’s the feeling I’m escaping. Inadequacy, dissatisfaction, sadness, longing, etc.

Heidi Priebe talks about all of this at length in this video, and I find some of her insights incredibly useful.

Anyway, this brings me back to the original question. Is there really a way to still look at my fantasies from a friendly lens?

I suppose the answer would still be the same as what I mentioned earlier. But I suppose writing, journaling, blogging, doodling, notes, etc, these are only just mediums (for embodiment). What we really need to do is keep some of these reframes in mind:

Take a look at the complete fantasy, ie not just the last five steps, but also the next (first) five steps— ie the actions you might have to take in the next 48-72 hours to get closer to this fantasy that you seem to want.
Take a look at the problems and the challenges involving the fantasy— if we’re using the fantasy to escape the present, chances are we’re only looking at the good parts of the fantasy, or romanticising the problems that come along with it. Ask yourself whether the problems that come with this fantasy are really what we want, are those problems better than the problems we have right now? Because there is no life without problems and pain, the main goal is to find problems you like (or at least— like more than your current problems).
Ask yourself whether you can enjoy the journey— of course, resistance may show up now and then, but that might actually be a part of the process as well, it definitely is with creative work, for example– and in such a case enjoying the journey would look like actually enjoying overcoming the different forms of resistance, even.
Come back to the present with more acceptance and kindness. There’s a reason your current present is the way it is, and only through kindness, forgiveness and acceptance can you move towards making it better. Or move towards trading your problems for better problems.

For instance, while writing this post out I did realise that maybe I don’t want too much success, or fame (even though I sometimes do fantasise about those things), because I do like having spare time to myself, and I do having a lot of my life to be private. I want to be more seen, yes, but perhaps not through fame.

I do want a relationship though, because I know I actually like the problems that come with it, I love the idea of doing emotional work with someone who’s as invested as you in building something real and deep. I really enjoy conflict resolution, I really enjoy getting creative with problems like compromise, etc.

I do want to be a better writer and a better musician, because I do enjoy the process and the hard-parts of these things too.

To sum it up, stay embodied, and take a look at the whole picture, from the present to the journey and then lastly, if you have time– at the goals themselves.

062b – grief is not generous

Everything feels a little different now. The news of Matthew Perry’s death is hitting hard. I read the news in the morning and went back to sleep, hoping I’d wake up to a different reality.

I rarely feel this way about celebrity deaths (Matt Haig states the same sentiment in one of his very fresh posts). In fact he’s already expressed some of the things I’m feeling today / right now so maybe this is repetitive to anyone’s who’s reading this. But it doesn’t matter.

I rarely feel this way about celebrity deaths but maybe Friends was different. Even when I’d made real, made-to-last friendship bonds, Friends was still precious. Our friendships deepened over long character and episode discussions and many, many rewatches of them.

In school, I’d relate to Chandler a lot.

This May, I saw the reunion movie (after a long break from the series) on a flight to Bangalore, which I was on to visit my college friends, after a sufficiently long gap. I told them when I met them how fitting it was that we (well, most of us anyway) were all obsessed with this show during college and now here I was watching the reunion movie almost a decade later since we first became friends.

It’s all a lot.

I know a lot of people I know are feeling a lot. But I don’t know why that’s not making any of this easier.

I suppose grief has a way of taking all your attention, all your resources. Grief is not generous, I’m realising.

There’s also other contexts of the world (or our own personal lives, in many cases) that we cannot ignore. But we must grieve each story, each loss: whether we do it individually or separately is upto the feeler of said feelings.

Or maybe “big specific deaths” also bring into focus the fragility of life. You get tense about the things you haven’t done, the stories you haven’t told, the people you haven’t spent enough time with, the grudges you haven’t let go of yet, the nice things you haven’t said to the people you want to appreciate, all of that. And yet, will you change? Will you take the courage to do even a little bit of everything you haven’t done? I’m going to do it. I’m going to write love-letters (or e-mails) to all the important people in my life today. Or at least, as many as I can.

October seems like it’s becoming the season of goodbyes.

Wake me up when October ends, I think?

063 – on “introspective writing”

As I’ve stated many, many (MANY) times on this blog already, lately I’ve been getting more in touch with the joy I get from writing. But because I have a brain that is anxious and hyper-sensitive, I’m often troubled with the problems that still remain.

(branch // re: on focusing on existing problems) [Because I realised this was a bit of an internal judgement] {

I don’t think that will ever change, to be very honest, since we never reach perfection, and it’s almost part of my nature to be very aware of what’s missing.

However, what has changed, and what I am working on changing more is how I feel about whatever is missing. As long as I don’t feel upset about the missing stuff, it’s actually very good for me, because that’s what gives me direction, that’s what tells me how to grow. Or even if I do feel upset but can recover quickly from the feelings of it, being aware of what’s lacking is GOOD.

Yes, this reframe is important because for years I’ve heard from the external world that “being TOO focused” on what’s not good makes you a “negative” person. But it’s not that I’m not grateful and happy about what’s good, maybe voicing it out was never as important as voicing out the things that were lacking. At least in these aspects. If people wanted more appreciation and gratitude about THEM from me, they could have always stated their needs. But if it’s just a “general preference” thing, then I think it’s okay if that is an incompatibility. To each their own. I don’t need to internalise this. (As a child, teenager, etc, maybe even an insecure adult— I must have— but I’m going to work on internalising this reframe instead.)

}

So anyway, one of the “problems” I’m currently thinking about is how I only gravitate towards introspective writing. The book I’m currently reading ie The Highly Sensitive Person mentions that it’s pretty typical of HSPs to gravitate towards a LOT of introspection.

(branch // re: HSP ) {

Bear with me as this might show up a lot in my expression for potentially a few days, weeks. I’m only starting to learn more about this right now and because it seems to explain a lot of things about myself that I’ve often questioned (sometimes subconsciously)— I might talk about it a lot.

Of course, all psychological research AND labels should be consumed with a grain of salt, and I’m going to be mindful of that (I read some reviews earlier which made a little skeptical) but maybe the whole point IS that if I’m getting affirmed by what I’m reading, then there’s nothing wrong with that as well. If I fall exactly in the target audience of the book, maybe that’s okay.

So, yeah, I might be VERY HSP and maybe I’ve been needing a lot more affirmation and validation than I might have realised so far.

}

So, alright, heavy introspection is a part of my nature and that’s likely not changing. And I have one great example of someone who does a LOT of introspective writing and has managed to make that useful for people as well.

So why is this a problem, really? Why do I think this is a problem?

Because CURRENTLY I don’t have an audience, I suppose. Or currently, I don’t know how to make my writing useful for people.

But is this really a problem right now?

Well, yes, because over the last few weeks I’ve been thinking about exploring writing professionally as well. (Even through internships and such).

Phew, it actually feels very stupid why it took me so long to get here.

(branch // storytime) {

I was talking to a friend a few days ago and when I mentioned that I do think I enjoy writing a lot and I might want to explore that professionally as well but that I’m worried about who I could write for or whether people would find value in it, in an effort to comfort me, she said something like “well you don’t actually need to worry about this right now you can just focus on sharing whatever you’re writing right now”.

So.. her statement was very well-meaning, however I’m realising that the reassurance did not help me. This is something I’m trying to remember about myself: Other people’s reassurances will not help me in the long-run. There’s a specific way of deliberation and reassurance that works for me, and I need to go over it all, my mind does like to have gone over the ten different questions of a thing for it to be okay with proceeding. Also, I don’t think that’s procrastination. For me, that’s just the best way of minimising regret over anything. Deep deliberation.

}

So, anyway, it’s okay that I want to carve some time out thinking about who the audience might be. Even if I decide not to explore writing professionally right away (OR ever), even when you’re doing creative work as a hobby, I don’t think it’s wasted effort to think about who might see, benefit from or resonate your work.

I guess, all this to say:

I do like a lot of introspection and naturally, introspective writing is what I do the most. But this is okay.
I’m often focused on “what’s missing” or “still not great”, and that doesn’t mean I’m not grateful for what’s good, but a focus on “what can be better” is okay too, since it gives me direction and aids growth.
I probably need to be careful with taking reassurance from other people since it can often set me back.
I don’t have clarity around whether my writing does or can have an audience. Although I have many examples of great writers who do do a lot of introspective writing, it’s still worth doing more research on this. Until then, it’s okay to not have this clarity since my primary goal with writing is still that it helps me (it’s almost a need, really) and that I find immense joy in it.

(Wrote a 1000-word post after v long! V happy)

062a – living as someone who’s infp, hsp but also has gad

#ifyouknowyouknow LOL (If these acronyms don’t make any sense that’s alright, they’re mostly just for myself)

I think I have a brain-voice and a body-voice, especially when it comes to writing. The more I can be in touch with the body-voice, the “better” my writing is (I think)— I don’t know what the exact quality is which makes it read better to me (I think there’s a better style, or flow)— but I know it’s better.

But sometimes my brain-voice likes to vent too, and that’s fine but I wonder if I could differentiate what I’m feeling before I even start, so I can be a little more aware of how the write-up might come out.

I think right now, it’s a mix. I meditated a bit before starting because I wanted to get in touch with my body-voice.

I’ve been a bit sick for the last 2-3 days and it’s getting worse, which I’m quite upset about because it feels like I keep falling sick every month.

Anyway, something on my mind lately is “high sensitivity”. I read about it a couple years ago (ie the “highly sensitive person” (HSP) trait) and although I related pretty strongly to it even then, it’s only over the last couple weeks I’ve been facing “too many feelings” as a problem, which led me back to this. Over the course of the last couple years, I’ve also recognised just how much of an effect loud sounds and crowds etc can have on me. Not just in terms of preferences, but really strong preferences, or almost needs. Additionally, because a lot of the symptoms of being an HSP overlap with my other “issue” ie my generalised anxiety disorder (GAD), I just attributed most of it to that. But I suppose HSP makes a lot of sense too since it’s not just heightened anxiety that feels like a lot lately, it’s a bunch of other feelings too (even the positive ones, actually).

So, yeah, looking forward to reading more about how to cope with this, ie if there are things I can do which can help me focus on the strengths of being an HSP and work around the pitfalls/weaknesses.

Recognising “too many feelings” as a problem is making me think about other little improvements I want to make as well. For example, I share a lot of art/work on socials but I don’t want to be continuously checking to see how it fares. It’s just too many feelings to navigate and I think holding off from checking for even 12-24 hours can help me avoid the whole thing altogether. Because I’m certain my attachment to the feedback will not be as strong a day after I share the thing. (At least on the internet). For example, the primary reason posting these posts is so easy is that I actually, genuinely don’t care too much if a post doesn’t get much engagement. (I’m happy when it does, but not too affected when it doesn’t). That is where I want to be with all pipelines.

A post called “uninstalling copes” (or was it a book?) by @visakanv is coming to mind right now. I think along with art and creative work, uninstalling copes and emotional healing is also something I want to focus on for the coming phase of life. Ah right, it’s about addiction. Makes sense.

Tl;dr: Sequence of events over the last couple months which can explain my mental/emotional state right now:

[May] quit job, move to India after 6 years of being outside (big change)
[Aug] no job, move to my own place in delhi (big change, high anxiety)
[Oct] adaptation, settling in // tiny heartbreak/loss, quitting nicotine (lots of feelings)
[Oct] identifying as HSP, feeling called to creative work and (self) emotional healing

Yeah, I think that probably summarises the last six months pretty well. Alright that’s it for now, I’ll write soon!

Sources:
[1] https://www.verywellmind.com/highly-sensitive-persons-traits-that-create-more-stress-4126393
[2] https://highlysensitiverefuge.com/

061b – on the long-term goal of healing and being more well-adjusted

Sometimes all you need (or want) is for someone to tell you “It’ll all be okay”. I’ve been feeling pretty shitty since the last couple days, but just now as I reached this conclusion, I do feel better. Like yes, I know from past experience that things do work out and things do feel okay, eventually, even if that “okayness” doesn’t come in the form you might have thought it will.

Even though I’ve tried to be more action-oriented over the week, I still have this feeling that I’ve been spending way too much time in my head, I don’t know how to describe it exactly.

Went for a poetry workshop/slam type thing yesterday and I feel like that really ended up overstimulating/overwhelming me. (It was great! And met some really cool people! So) Very fulfilling, but yeah I feel like these kind of events can end up becoming heavy sometimes. Especially if I already had too many feelings going into the thing.

I think I’m still adjusting and getting comfortable with “Delhi”. I’d started feeling gloomy randomly around 6pm yesterday when I realised it was dark already and that it must be getting kind of cold outside (it’s started to get a bit chilly here). So, yeah, I think the adjustment can be a pain. No, it’s most definitely a pain.

I think I’m at a decent state with the nicotine addiction now. It’s been a month and although I’ve had a couple slips, they didn’t end up being relapses, and I feel like mentally, I’m still okay with the concept, don’t feel the urges as often, and can mostly remind myself that I would hate to relapse— so, let’s not.

But because life is still incredibly hard and I feel far away from being a self-adjusted individual, I know I need to seriously start thinking about which addiction to tackle next: ie my unhealthy sleeping habits, “thinking”, or caffeine. Sleep has definitely made life hell over the last couple days so ideally I should focus on this, even if it’s not fully resolved, if I can even make it a little better for the “short-term”, that could be nice. The other motivation to want to do this is that with the onset of actual winters, getting enough sun will not be easy, so needing a good sleep schedule will become extra important.

The lack of a “job” has started to feel a little heavy this week. But I feel like that’s just the resistance showing up, because this week has been mostly feeling a lot more motivated about spending time on creative work. And although I don’t deny that I’d want to find a day-job sometime next year as well, I don’t know why my brain wants me to “urgently” worry about it, when there’s no need to. So yeah, I think that’s the resistance. (“Resistance” as described in “Do The Work”)

Anyway, writing this down was nice and helpful. Hope your weekend starts off better than mine!

061a – training

Training hard, training myself to live in the present more and more. Yesterday was a very packed day, I chose action and activity a lot more over “sitting and thinking and doing nothing”. Tiring, but satisfying, in most ways. It’s a little scary to realise that most people might already be living this way, naturally. That they might be so well-adjusted that they don’t have to “do” this? Deliberately? Eh, I know this line of thinking isn’t very helpful, but it’s alright.

This week and the previous week has been more action-oriented, for sure, and I think it’s been good that way. Making stuff can be addictive though, and I do have a tendency to go all in, even at the cost of food, health, sleep, social needs and/or other healthy habits. Don’t want that for myself. Want to maintain balance even when I’m inspired and active with “work”.

I’ve had a couple of really crazy nights, I think I had “trips” without any intoxicants, I’ve experienced some new feelings (mostly positive) over the last couple days, I don’t know whether I just thunk myself into this new territory or whether they were real, only time can tell, but it was interesting, at the least.

Two conflicts remain though:

Can I (and how) spare 3-4 hours a week for social work? I really want to, but how much do I want to? It’s draining for sure, but it’s also an opportunity, and it’s work that’s aligned with my values, I think if I set a schedule it shouldn’t be tough. Let’s figure this out this week.
Do “good” work and share it is the advice Austin Kleon gives in his book “Steal Like An Artist”. I’ve always believed you get good at something only by doing a ton of it. But even after that (let’s say after a certain units of said thing), how do you differentiate between work and “good” work? I’ve been focused on action, and I’m going to continue to do that for the next couple months, see how much capacity I have for even just “doing the work”, but at some point I’m also going to have to start thinking about how to focus on doing “good” work, I guess.
Of course, would need to think more about what “good” even means. (To me, to him, to the world). Okay, it’s a fair concern, but a concern for future-me.

Anyway, as I was going over this book again, two of my other worries were somewhat addressed. People, other people I mean, people who haven’t engaged enough with “multiple passions” I suppose, always keep telling me I need to focus on something if I want to “get somewhere”. But Austin says you don’t need to cut out any of your interests. In fact, it’s futile and counterproductive to do so. So, I’m going to trust him on that.

The other thing which I’d been worried about (like I’ve mentioned in previous few posts as well) is the sharing aspect of creation. It’s tough not only because of the pipelines but also because sometimes the things you make/share don’t get enough engagement etc. But again, Austin (bless him lol) says that in the beginning, obscurity can be good. It keeps you free from pressure and expectations. You can experiment without thinking about it too much. So, yeah, I’m going to try to make the most of obscurity. If it ever lifts, great, if not, I still have everything I want.

Will end this with beautiful thoughts by John Kim: Give less fucks on what people think about you and where you should be in life and more (real) fucks on what you can do and how you can be present and be of service to yourself and the world. (I’ve modified these for myself but I’ve added a link to the post in case anyone’s look for motivation!)

060b – 60k words! + calling (pt1)

So you might think you’ve found your calling, what next?

This is the main question I’m asking myself this week.

Firstly, because my younger self left me with some decent advice, I’m going to outline some of the reasons and motivations around why I think art or creative work might be calling me. At least, right now. Some fears and worries and hesitations might show up too and I’m going to list those out as well, because they’ve been holding me back from embracing this over the last few months (and maybe even the last few years).

So, why do I gravitate towards creating things if I’m left in a vacuum?

Emotion management / release. This is primary. I think I have too many feelings almost always at the surface and if I’m not engaging with some form of expression regularly (ie daily, at least), then I’m dissatisfied, unhappy, and often overwhelmed. (OR otherwise I end up engaging unhealthier forms of “numbing” ie alcohol, nicotine, social media, etc). So, this is the healthiest and the most accessible form of emotion management that I have for myself.
Presence + Joy. These activities (writing, music, doodling, photography, dancing, etc etc) are the most “satisfactory” and “joyful” methods of being present, for me. Aside from maybe talking to people I really enjoy talking to, where our energies can resonate.
Collaboration. These are also the things I find joy in collaborating with people over. Especially music (I haven’t done a lot of collaboration wrt other forms yet)
Connection and impact. It’s incredibly fulfilling when people tell you they connect with whatever you put out there. It’s a different way of feeling seen AND making someone feel seen at the same time. People have sometimes told me that some of the art I’ve shared has been healing for them as well, and I care a lot about that kind of impact.

Yep, I think that pretty much captures it.

Now, I feel some of the hesitations and fears cropping up, so let me jot those down:

I’ve romanticised artists, and I just think I want to “be” an artist, and I might not be truly motivated by the doing in and of itself.
I know had the creative streak in me as a kid, but it started getting fleshed out more only post 12/13. If I truly liked art then why wasn’t I doing enough of it during peak childhood? (ie from ages 7/8-13)? Isn’t this the time most people (given peaceful childhoods) are experiencing what they truly like to engage with? I used to engage a lot more with science, so why’s it the case that I don’t like the sciences anymore?

I don’t think I can address these fears, really. All I can tell myself is that maybe people change, or maybe people have multiple sides in them. Maybe it’s futile to think your “true calling” is a single thing. Maybe right now this is what I’m curious about, and that’s fine. Maybe science (ie engineering) just got a little too tough for me, and maybe my creative side was just feeling starved. Maybe if I feed it enough I’ll have both these parts of me balanced and secure, and then I can see what’s louder. Or maybe I don’t have to pick. When it’s time to find jobs (ie a few months from now, for sustenance), maybe I can think about this then.

And I am moving through life now with more awareness than I did as a kid (I think). (Side question: What is the difference between presence and awareness?)

Feeling a little dissatisfied with this post though, I suppose maybe because I didn’t really address the “What Next” question. But I’ll continue this tomorrow or later this week. Feeling a little tired at the moment.

But, 60K words! Kind of cool 🙂

060a – making things vs sharing things

It’s all quite painful. But sometimes I genuinely think I’m meant to feel so much (especially the negative emotions) so that it can fuel my creative work. Which is also something that I think I’m meant to do.

A lot of the creative results/outcomes I’m truly proud of have really come out from moments of deep suffering. I don’t think I can yet come up with melodies without feeling deep pain or deep negative emotions. I hope this changes though. I really want to work on making more original music (I don’t know why, yet) and I wish I can do that even without so much pain.

Brain-chatter around “motivations for making art” have been at all a time high.

Lately I feel really called to music and writing.

Most of the time, I’m happy to “just be creating”. I’m happy to just be making things. Whether it’s a blog-post or a song cover or even doodles, surprisingly enough. However, I’m spending 20-30% of my active brain-power on the question around sharing the stuff that I make.

The sharing aspect is not something I enjoy very much.

With writing however, it’s low overhead, this blog is pretty easy to manage, and the more artsy write-ups sometimes even end up on Instagram, and overall it’s easy.

With music though, the overheads are pretty high. Recording stuff just takes so long, and for some reason I don’t enjoy it very much. Add to that the engagement on my music account has been pretty low lately, so that then adds certain amount of negative feelings and you have to regularly keep recovering from it to continue to keep posting.

Sometimes I think it’s okay if I don’t share the things I make right away as well. For instance, I wrote a bunch of poetry around three years ago which I shared with friends at the time, but I only started sharing it at open-mics and on socials a few months ago. And it felt.. okay. Almost right. Like it was finally time for it to be shared. And it’s also saying something that if you look at something you wrote three years ago and still felt like sharing it, that’s good signal for yourself too.

I also think maybe I have certain icky feelings around the sharing aspect because parts of it overlap with the “how can I monetise my art” aspect and I’m just not ready to address that question yet.

This helps for now. It’s almost 6 am, so I must attempt to sleep.

059b – weekly updates and open questions

Last week was a busy week. It was a decent week, though. Lots of ups and downs— but lots of rich moments and experiences, so that’s been nice. A good amount of movement on small tasks and things I’ve been wanting to do for a while now, so that feels great.

However, I’m a little tired of all evaluative aspects of my life. Or the fact that I’m approaching all aspects of my life with an evaluative lens (maybe because I feel like I need to “figure things out”). I think the most confusing part of life is work and career. I feel pulled in many directions and a part of me knows picking something can be important to “move” but part of me is also not okay with giving up certain things.

Although I told myself last week that I’m NOT actually pulled in too many directions, ie it’s manageable if I don’t want to give up any of them yet, I think I get triggered when something new inspires me in a way that I feel like acting upon it immediately. Basically, I get triggered when something (a new piece of information, event, experience, stimulus etc) makes me question or doubt my prioritisations that I may have done. What does this mean for me? I suppose it just means that I go over why I’ve currently prioritised tasks/projects the way I have and then just trust that reasoning. And then treat new piece of stimulus as important enough to maybe “make a note of” but then not go into a reprioritisation exercise every-time I do get triggered.

I guess there’s still a lot more scope for action over thinking on a daily basis. That’s essentially where the dissatisfaction is coming from. Even if I need to reflect or “think”, I should only be doing it in the written / journal / notes form. Thinking within my brain is definitely not helping me at all. In fact, it’s starting to become a major blocker / time-sink.

Open Questions / Todos:

Reflections on art and in what ways I like to engage, are there limits? Can I add 1-2 hours of structured learning a week so that I can make more progress on the skills I want to improve on? Should these skills only be pursued if I aim to “make” something out of them (ie a career) or can I trust that learning for the sake of learning is fine too?

I’ve been thinking that I want to start looking for part-time jobs or internship opportunities probably in Jan / Feb. Does that feel okay and if not— why?

I’ve been wanting to make a short trip to a hilly destination for a while now but haven’t been able to make this a priority yet.. though I’m not sure why. So yeah I suppose I should prioritise this now.
I’ve been giving 3-4 hours a week to volunteer work, but it’s been a bit draining and I’ve had more requests come to me. I do want to continue to do this though, so I need to figure out a way that I can plan this better so it can be a little easier on me.

059a – values exploration (pt 1)

A while ago I discovered a values-exercise by the New Happy (which is a venture (??) I really admire) and I’ve been meaning to get to this for a few weeks now. Did a first iteration of the exercise but I’m not feeling fully settled with what I have. Want to explore this dissatisfaction through writing.

Here’s my top 10 values:

Faith
Courage
Learning
Authenticity
Choice
Compassion
Gratitude
Kindness / Love (I’ve clubbed these because I think that’s okay)
Health

I was super confused about what should take the last spot but these were the ones I found appealing: Peace/Art/Balance/Nature/Enjoyment

One that I’ve rejected (this didn’t even make it in my top-20) was Stability. But every time I have an anxious night or an anxious day I wonder if I should make it a value. So, okay, this is the first time I’ve had more of a medium-long-term “unstable” period in my life anyway. Which means that I don’t know whether Stability is a value I need (want) in my life or not. So, I suppose I can give myself more time ie 6-8 months to hopefully have an answer there.

Currently, when I distilled my top-10 to top-5, I came up with this:

Authenticity (This is the only one I’m a 100% confident about)
Gratitude
Kindness / Love
Health
Learning

This actually feels okay. Accepting that I don’t know enough about myself yet is also fine. Putting it in words, ie what it is exactly that I don’t know helps a lot too.

There’s of course the research to keep in mind too, the resource mentions that research tells us that the values that are most likely to make us happy fall in the following categories: achievement, stimulation, self-direction and benevolence. Which means that if I want to trust the research only, I might not actually need “Stability” as a core value if “happiness” is what I want to maximise in life.

What feels unsatisfactory so far is if these values are enough for me to have a life/lifestyle that’s exciting enough for me. The short answer is they can be. I can still pursue enjoyment, fun, excitement and all the jazz but just not at the cost of these things. Right? I think so. Let’s see. Feeling some blockers here. Like I’m listening to some “shoulds” as opposed to just what is.

I think I’m also conflicted between wanting a “happy” life and an “easy” life. Because of my generalised anxiety and my experience with the lows in the past, maybe I’ve convinced myself I want an easy life. But the truth is (I think), I don’t think an easy life can necessarily be the happiest life. It might cause some dissatisfaction down the line. So, yeah this might be worth thinking about more. Where do I want to operate on the easy-difficult spectrum to maximise my position the happiness-sadness spectrum? (Ah, good one.)

Okay, enough to think about. Will continue this exploration another time!