Creative Writing – untitled atm

105 – unblocking

If you write (or create any sort of content, for that matter), you are constantly on the lookout for material. Sometimes it’s fun because it happens automatically, but at times it’s quite draining too. Yes, people have talked about this before— how the reflex of “documenting a moment” can really kill the moment itself. Especially with writing, a lot of the advice points to this— document as much as you can, make as many notes as you can, because for sure memory is going to fail you. But I’ve found this to be consistently true in my days lately… I do feel like I’m stealing myself away from the present moment if I’m constantly trying to document it. How does one balance this? I’d like to figure that out.

Anyway, came here to note this thought down (how meta of me), but might just do a word-vomit instead. Y and I have been cat-sitting for a friend (it’s two cats!) which we were very excited about initially but it turned out be quite a.. lot. The mother cat (Mimo) isn’t spayed and in heat which was a lot for her to handle (and for us too). She seemed like she was under a lot of stress— yowling for hours at end, constantly wanting to go out, hissing at her daughter (Bailey) a lot, and wanting a lot of attention from us too. Even though we absolutely loved giving her the attention she needed, we’re two people who get overstimulated very easily so it was all a bit too much for us to handle. We’re transferring ownership to a friend of the owner’s tomorrow, so looking forward to some relief and quiet. The cats are adorable though, I know I’m going to miss them too.

It was a nice distraction from the “tasks” of life, of course.. and I did learn that maybe I can’t have cats in the future like I always thought I would. This is disappointing of course, but this is also not final since of course a spayed (or neutered cat) would be easier to handle, I know that. Definitely don’t think I can do kids though, that’s confirmed.

I was reading this first post that I ever wrote on this blog, because I feel like I’m stuck in a similar situation again. It’s interesting to see just how much I had to write! Like so many thoughts and feelings. I don’t feel that way anymore. Sometimes I sit in front of the laptop or the journal and nothing comes out of me. And I know deep down that it’s not because I don’t have stuff to talk about, it’s just because I’ve become a bit avoidant with some of my feelings. This was never an issue for me, avoidance is a relatively new issue, to be very honest. Which is probably why I haven’t taken it very seriously either. Acknowledging that I’m somewhat avoidant about certain things also means that I have to face that I used to judge other “avoidants” in the past. I know most of it is not in our control, avoidance/anxiety about “problems” are just copes, and different people cope differently. And to be fair, “avoidance” is a bit easier to manage than anxiety is.. I think I just liked not feeling super anxious all the time.

But I know.. I know, to write, or do anything, to move at all, I do have to face whatever it is that’s going on.

One happy thing before I talk about what I think my current open problems are in life: in the post (the first post), I talk about “dreaming about composing music”! I’d never realised I used to dream about it. Like I’d never acknowledged this dream properly enough to myself! But I’ve successfully composed a few songs, so the dream has been realised.. pretty proud of this! There’s a lesson here— we need to fully acknowledge and voice our dreams to ourselves, otherwise when they come true we won’t even know that we have something worth celebrating!

Anyway, now to the question of what are the main areas I want to be working towards over the next.. <undecided time-frame>:

Work stuff, what I want to do for work, job search etc
Geography.. I have no idea how I will tackle this but I do want to
Gender stuff— even though this isn’t as urgent as it was maybe even a few months ago, I know it doesn’t feel fully resolved.. and I know it’s okay for it to take the time it needs, but I don’t want to “not engage” and let the time pass. The “time it needs” will be much longer if I keep running away from the issue.
Health, too

So, yep, that’s it for now.

My key takeaways (mostly for myself but also for you in case they’re relevant)?—

Foster multiple types of cats (and kittens) before adopting and committing for the long haul.
Balancing documentation with presence is important.
Voice your dreams! There’ll be more to celebrate if (/when) they come true.
Compartmentalisation is okay, avoidance is not.

Cheers, folks xx

103a – enroute san francisco

Haven’t been able to journal at all. I’m not sure what’s happened to me over the last ten days.. I feel quite dissociated and maybe that’s part of the problem.

There is a bigger problem though. Every time I sit down to write I can’t figure out what I want to write about. This is not a new problem, but it’s a problem I haven’t faced too recently. Except for the last 2-3 months— wherein this problem has been very present.

Honestly I’d love to write about how lovely it is that my flight is taking a very scenic route over the Pacific Ocean and how the surface of the water glows under the 3pm sun and how the clouds seem to be merging with the sky and the water and how there are a few islands that I can spot even though we’re probably pretty high up— islands that I think I’m able to spot on the map too— probably the Chanel islands of California.

I’d love to write about how the water is so beautiful that it makes me realise that despite having lived in California for over three years I never really took a proper dip in the water. I know why I didn’t— but I’d like to change that. I don’t know if I can do that this trip, but within the next couple years, I’d definitely like to change that.

I feel guilty for expecting too much from people. Luckily my partner is the same as me, so we keep high expectations from each other, I feel quite grateful for that, but hanging out with other people does make me realise that there are enough people who don’t function this way. People who’re willing to tolerate so many little things, who don’t want to change or accommodate or really who’re just not willing to understand the people around them. Anyway, I know this is all abstracted out for anyone reading this to really understand what’s going on, so my apologies for that.

Y and I want to go away to Goa for a month or so (we recently found that a friend is subleasing her place and it would be perfect for us) BUT I just remember today that I don’t think I have a 2 wheeler license! And one of the main reasons I wanted to go was to be able to practice 2-wheeler driving. What a bummer, eh.

The pacific coast really is just so beautiful. I can see the clouds so low, they’re almost touching the land.

102a – august slipped away

Haven’t been able to journal as much as I want to.. not sure what’s up. Y and I finally made a cover yesterday finally after many weeks of procrastination and delay on it. That did feel quite nice, I must admit. We also sang a bunch of other songs which also made me feel quite nice, I really enjoyed the process and the results too. I thoroughly like and enjoy the image of me that plays the keys, I feel quite at home in that image. In this, I also feel quite away from all the gender stuff (in the best ways).

Going to volunteer today for this skill-training session being hosted by an organisation I’ve been in touch with. Not sure what to expect but let’s see. I’ve met the people before and I wanted to reconnect with them anyway so this should be a good chance to do that.

I keep getting distracted even as I write this, and I’m not sure how to focus. It’s probably hunger and chores though, some more important than the other— I’ll put the rice on the stove and be right back.

Welp, I didn’t end up completing this yesterday but here I am.

Traveling in four more days, anxiety is quite active. I’m also turning 29 soon, hope I get some time tomorrow to do some reflections.

Y just sent me a cover of a song she made and I’m so amazed by how talented she is. Musically, of course, but in so many other ways too. Travel’s been hard this past quarter because long distance with her (even for a few weeks) has proved to be kind of tough– but hopefully we’re getting stronger from it all.

I come back mid-september and I’m going to fully prioritise job search etc. In some ways I’m almost looking forward to it actually.

The other day I got kind of triggered because my music instructor kind of coerced me to sit for some additional time and “practise” but I really really wasn’t planning to and didn’t want to. I did leave as soon as I realised how much I didn’t want to do what was being asked of me, but it took me a good couple hours to properly recover.

I’d like to lean into my ambitious side a little more for the remaining year. I know I have a strong one, but I’ve kind of compartmentalised it in favour of peace and rest. Which was quite valid, fair and much needed but I think I feel ready to be “doing” a little more.

Gender dysphoria has been a bit present this week, I do need more guidance and resources with it, but— well— can only do so much on a given day.

These days I find myself stunned by how talented, skilled and creative people are in the world. It’s nice to stay in touch with all that of course, keeps one grounded, and is also inspiring, but I’m still recovering from how much people are slaying at very ripe young ages like early twenties.

Anyway, that’s it this week. Hope yall have a great end to August! xx

067b – the inherent insecurity of an artist

Something that I always keep coming back to is labels. I know that it’s important to me that I accept certain labels (from myself, for myself).

What are these labels, you ask?

Well, to name a few: artist, photographer, writer, poet, musician, singer, vocalist

I want to be able to use them for myself without scoffing.

I know exactly when I started rejecting these labels (I actually picked it up from someone else who was rejecting labels because they didn’t feel deserving of them, and because I thought that this person was actually much better at the craft than I was at the time, I internalised “well if they’re not even calling themselves a photographer, how can I?). And I applied the same reasoning to all others labels as well.

HOWEVER, there is only so much time and brainpower. It gets tedious to go through this dialog which almost always goes the same way.

Oh but how can I call myself an artist?
> Oh but you are an artist.
But I’ve never made any money out of my art or I don’t even know if any of my art is good!
> Yeah but that doesn’t matter.

So, obviously, there is a push and a pull here. There are two parts that are fighting with each other.

Maybe rejecting these labels served me a purpose AT SOME POINT OF TIME. Maybe I didn’t want to come across as overconfident, or cocky, or lacking self-awareness, etc etc. I was afraid of judgement, basically. But is it serving me at all anymore?

If I write -> I am a writer.

If I click pictures -> I am a photographer.

If I paint (sometimes) -> I am an artist.

If I write poetry (sometimes) -> I am a poet.

If I play or make music -> I am a musician.

This SHOULD feel true. This SHOULD feel enough. But why is it that it still doesn’t? I think it’ll take some practice.

Let’s look at some definitions:

noun: artist: a person who creates paintings or drawings as a profession or hobby.

noun: musician: a person who plays a musical instrument, especially as a profession, or is musically talented.

noun: writer: a person who has written something or who writes in a particular way.

You get the gist. I think it’s always the “especially as a profession” that I would hang on to as the main reason for rejecting all these labels.

Yesterday at a poetry slam somebody talked about the inherent insecurity of an artist. Obviously I really related to that and we talked about it at length, but couldn’t really come to a conclusion. I think over the last few years, enough people have given me the gift of putting these labels on me and while it always feels magical to hear someone call you a poet or a musician or an artist etc etc, I know that what I really really NEED is for me to give myself the same gift, again and again.

So okay, there is a clearly an inner-critic who is not ready to give this to me. Maybe I can think about the benefits of these labels, instead, then?

To be honest, the only benefits I can think of for now are just more efficient and optimal conversation, I do think second-guessing everything you say can get tiring for someone listening to you. And then that (ie more confidence, surity) allows for quicker connections with potential collaborators as well.

Maybe you’re thinking, how the fuck does this all matter? Call yourself whatever you want, just do the damn thing. But I’ve found that loopy dialogues like these are exactly what prevent me from doing the damn thing. If I’m thinking about this insecurity, then there’s a reason for it. I feel strongly about it, and I do feel a need to resolve it.

Maybe that’s enough. Maybe I don’t need 100 benefits to a thing to adopt it. It feels true, it feels resonant. I know I revel in labels like woman, queer, demisexual, ambivert, etc etc. So why is it that I feel so undeserving of these other labels?

I still don’t know. Ah, I don’t know if I got anywhere with this.

But I’ll end this with one more point to my inner critic: maybe it’s just realising that calling yourself a musician doesn’t mean that you’re implying that you’re a good musician. That is something you cannot decide. You’re passionate about these crafts and you’re also cognisant about the subjectivity of art, that is all there is, actually.

052a – daily adventures in my city

It’s raining cats and dogs. There’s a 2-hour traffic jam on both sides of the road, it’d be completely stupid to take an auto or a cab to get to where I want to go. My destination is only slightly over a kilometre away. But I know the walking route is not very well-built, a friend had once tried to walk the same route to get to my place and had informed me of its quality. She’d arrived at my place, very flustered, exclaiming “never again”, even though that was during a relatively better-weather month. I’m very unsure of what I’m about to do, but I’m going for my first drums class, and I don’t want to cancel it. I’ve been looking forward to it the whole day today.

I start walking. It’s not that bad. I’ve got my worn-and-torn shoes on, and there’s enough people doing the same walk I’m doing, dodging the same puddles, using the same stones and bricks for support that I am. Who needs to go to Yosemite when you have this easy-moderate hike right next door to you, I think. I had stopped liking this type of humour for quite a while, but when you start living in India, it’s hard to not to be a bit sardonic sometimes. I’ve grown up in Mumbai, I should be able to do this, I think. But I don’t put my earphones on because I need all my brain-power and focus to not get more mud on myself than I need to. I cover half the route without any major problems. But then the pedestrians start to disappear. I’m a little worried, though I know even in the worst-case scenario, it’ll be like a half-kilometre stretch. There’s a lot more honking. The sidewalk ends abruptly, but I see a man continuing to walk himself and his bike amongst the puddles and the traffic coming from the opposite side. I quickly decide to follow him since I think he might be someone who does this on a daily basis. I feel lucky to have found support before I have the time to regret this stupid walk. He looks behind and catches my eye, we both sigh and then simultaneously smile, frustrated by the weather and the state of our surroundings. I’ve seen Parasite, I know that environmental disasters (big or small) affect the (financially) underprivileged so much more than they affect me.

But right now, purely in this particular moment, we are in the same situation. And I know that our destinations may be vastly different (mine was recreation, his might have been work, I don’t know), but at least in this ten-minute journey, he seems as glad as I feel to have the company.

049b – desire

But what if everything I want, I already have?

Love, peace, connection, security, health, beauty, worthiness, achievement, success, fame, pleasure, validation, all that jazz. Maybe I already have it all.

Okay, this probably doesn’t make any sense. I don’t know. I’m pretty sober, but this thought came to me yesterday night. And I’d thought to myself that this maybe worth thinking more about. But, I don’t know if it is. Maybe it’s just one of those thoughts you’re supposed to feel and believe, without really diving deep into it. Because diving deep won’t really reveal anything you don’t already know.

These days, I find myself getting swayed by material desire, but I don’t want to give in to that too much.

In general, I want to be able to say no to all sorts of desires and cravings from time to time. Skeptics will say this is asking too much of yourself.

There is a person I miss— but I know talking to them isn’t very healthy for my “progress” in life, so that is a desire I want to be able to say no to. I think I’ve been doing decently well on this, haven’t “given in” since January. I do sometimes wonder if this will ever become a non-issue. I know that if I meet someone new (ie fall in love), this will become a non-issue more easily. But, that could take a while. And I don’t want that to be the only way this becomes a non-issue. Point being, I’m surprised by the amount of time it’s taking to get rid of this person’s trace from my life. I started writing some of it in a “book” of sorts, because I wasn’t ready to let all of it go completely into nothingness, and that’s been “helping” quite a bit, and ideally, I should just be writing over there so I can continue “working” on this letting go process, but I didn’t feel like it today. So— surprise, surprise— here I am, doing the same thing in a different format. Eventually, kind of talking about the same thing I didn’t feel like talking about.

Ah, that was a tiring paragraph. Felt clunky and circular to me.

I’ve been stuck on a book I’ve been reading for over a month now, it’s not super engaging but I really don’t want to leave in the middle, so really need to pick up pace and finish reading it. Because I want to read something philosophical / spiritual after it, I’ve been feeling the need for it. Not sure what, though. Something in the Ekhart Tolle / Alan Watts realm.

The other desire I’m struggling with is the one for social satisfaction. I met some friends earlier in the week but I’m kind of experiencing the need for connection again. Talking to parents doesn’t feel satisfactory enough. And while, yes, I can make plans with specific people and maybe attempt to figure this out, I kind of also want to be okay with the desire just not getting met.

I might have overused the word “desire” in this post. It is what it is, is what it is.

049a – what else is coming up?

Excited. Excited to finish 50k words soon. Excited to begin my Delhi phase soon. I’ve never actually lived in Delhi apart from college (which almost doesn’t count because we were so sheltered, but I’ve great memories of Delhi). I wanna do some research around whether safety in Delhi is actually as bad as it was a few years ago. Just based on “vibes”, I feel like things might’ve improved. But I don’t know, vibes can be misleading. Excited to setup my house and fill it with a bunch of art and plants. I’ve ordered new painting supplies so I’m also excited to practice some art soon. Excited to see this person-I’ve-met-a-couple-times, again.

Content. I took a break from this because the excitement to paint took over me. It was a good idea since I painted a couple of abstract-ey landscapes which I really enjoyed. And they came out nice too. I was drained after so I didn’t get back to this until now. Content with some creative progress as well. I’ve gotten faster at painting the same things I was painting a few months earlier. I’ve also gotten better at leaving things at 90%. (Yes, going to the 100% is very important in certain cases, but personally, more often than not it’s better for me when I’m able to stop at a “good enough” state.) Content with this word-vomit as well, I quite like this grouping-thoughts-by-feelings thing.

Anxious. Anxious about a dentist appointment I have tomorrow. Anxious about spending too much time with mom, I don’t know why. Anxious that I don’t have too many social plans for the coming week, and my parents are traveling so I essentially won’t have anyone at home. Which.. I was excited about earlier but I haven’t planned the week well enough to still be excited about it. But maybe I can do some planning over the weekend. Anxious about some of the tasks on my todo list which I really don’t want to get to. But I’ll have to, so that’s going to be tomorrow and the weekend as well.

Unmotivated. Unmotivated to think about certain long-term questions that I thought I can take my time with, but.. since 2 months of chilling are about to be over, I might need to think about some of them sometime this month. Unmotivated to respond to a bunch of texts I haven’t been feeling like looking at.

Doubtful. Doubtful about how much social media usage I’m okay with. I’ve been trying to cut down on Instagram consumption a bit, but not super seriously, but I know deep down that as long as I continue to get some amount of dopamine from social media, I’m not going to put (as much) effort into other things, the more real things. But I know I can’t cut Instagram completely since it’s a big outlet for art-sharing for me.

Dissatisfied. Dissatisfied with the amount of physical exercise I got today. Definitely need to get more tomorrow.

Theorising. I do think it might be important to cut down (or completely eliminate) social media if I want to increase satisfaction overall. The wanting-to-be-everywhere problem only comes up more when you get a bunch of exposure from a bunch of people in different places.

040b – how do you like to travel?

I dream of a vacation where I don’t have to worry about little things the night before it begins. I’d have an easy morning, actually have breakfast, have enough time to dilly-dally and then finally begin my journey, which wouldn’t be a long one. It’d be a 2-3 hour drive to maybe a small village in the countryside. I’d be able to check into the guesthouse that I got from wherever with a key that was left for me under the doormat. The guesthouse would already be stocked with some basic groceries like bread, butter, eggs, coffee and milk, sufficing for at least the evening and the next morning. (I just realised I’m describing a famous five holiday lol)

Instead, I worry a good amount the night before. Responding to the airbnb host about our check-in time (because not all airbnbs are self check-in), web check-in, the remaining 30% of my packing, waking up on time. I wake up later than I wanted so I’m not able to squeeze in a coffee or a snack before leaving my house.

My relationship with travel is kind of mixed. I think my peers like it way more than I do, and I do sometimes feel pressurised by the push for it. But I do love many things about venturing out of your daily life, I love that I’m a little more open as a person when I’m traveling, I love that traveling is one of the ways to ensure that you’ll have experiences that wouldn’t have had otherwise or could have planned for. Some of my best memories with people I like have been on trips.

But because I have an anxiety disorder, the cost to all of this is not low. It means I’m fairly anxious ~2/x days (because taking flights is almost always a high anxiety activity for me). And while some of the things have gotten a lot better than even 3-4 years ago, overall I’d still say it’s like being in a more fragile or “at risk” state when I’m traveling. If things go well, it’s all good, but if something goes wrong it could affect me in ways that I can’t always predict.

But like I said, even as I write this, I’m realising just how much things have gotten better. I’m learning that I like mixed itineraries, I like having some rough plans but with enough room to change them. I like traveling with people who can be a little accommodating of me and my preferences. (Of course, I make sure to tell them this beforehand) And I’m also learning how to communicate to my travel buddies when I beed something specific (this could be simple things like time or space or just more patience for my emotions from their side). I like that spending time with someone you already know and like but “in a different place” adds a lovely new dimension to the relationship.

I’ve also gotten better at tuning out of work as soon as my break begins. Most of all, I’m learning to not worry about the “relative value” of an activity. ie “Travelling seems to make my peers really happy but for me it’s always mixed feelings”. I’m learning to focus on the absolute value of it, ie only for me, in my context. It’s a highly personal thing and I’m allowing myself to treat it that way.

031a – music stuff

Excited about all the music in my life right now. I ordered a second-hand keyboard, looking forward to setting up near my window and eventually playing some jazz on it. I want to remember how it takes time to build the skills, I can’t expect much in the first couple months. But I might do a Take Me to Church cover pretty soon.

I want to find more people to jam with, I want to get more involved in all of this. I’m going to fix my sleep schedule and spend more of my weekends playing and creating more music.

I “created” some bits of music in the last couple of weeks, it was huge for me because for some reason I always thought it was impossible to do. Which is weird, since other parallels never seemed as tough. You get colors, you’re okay throwing them on a blank canvas and seeing what comes up. You get words, you’re able to make sentences and prose and even poetry out of them. But for some reason, even though I always had the notes (i.e the building blocks), I never thought of forming melodies with them.

I think I always stopped at whether “it made sense” or whether “it was good enough” (even just in my head) to even attempt it. I’m amazed at how long at it took me to get here, and all the forces that must have been at play to get me here. But I’m happy I’m finally here.

I also want to learn a little more of music theory. Jacob Collier’s masterclass has been incredibly inspirational. I do think you have to find the romance in everything that you like for it to truly be inviting. I’m allowing myself to dream and daydream (again).

I don’t know how to be organized about all of this, though. Prioritizing and sorting through all of these small half-baked ideas seems like a chore. And the only motivation to do that is to increase executive function. How do you resolve the conflict between discipline and freedom?
I also don’t enjoy “production” as much. I think it requires much more of all of the discipline and the organizational skills. It feels plainer, less creative. You have to really like the pieces you have and you’ve to really believe they matter for you to spend time and effort on putting it all together.

Then there’s the other part to this, lived experiences. What stories do I want to tell, what part of life is interesting enough to share? These blog posts don’t matter, even the most trivial thought-clouds I don’t mind sharing on here. But with music, do I want it to be a little more? I guess it’s like any other thing. Maybe it’s a numbers game. Maybe I need to start from the basics. Just put numbers on the board. Once I make ten melodies, maybe I can think about the quality and the actual content.

Dreams do have their own place, but eventually it’s the execution that’ll move us forward.

030b – creative queues and time management

I finally had a gin and tonic the other day. They charged us a fortune for it. We found a table outside and talked for an hour. There were heaters above us so the air didn’t feel as chilly as it generally does. The time was perfect, most of the evening crowd had gone home, but it wasn’t dead either. The city’s quite beautiful at night. The moon was out, it was a little foggy (as it often is), there’s enough voices to keep you grounded but not so many that you get overwhelmed.

I got back home and realized I can’t do something like that every night. I mean, I wouldn’t want to. Part of the magic just lies in the novelty of it. I need to be okay with the routine and the day-to-day as well. I want to be able to enjoy that. I can’t always keep looking for something exciting, new, wild (??) to do.

I got a haircut the next day so that was fun. I’d let my hair grow out for more than eight months now so that’s been crazy. Today wasn’t great though. I ended up sleeping in the whole day, missed all the sunlight – and the week’s kicking off tomorrow so I’m a little worried about how it’s going to go.

I’ve been worried about all the things that have been brewing in my head and taking up space. So much so I’ve ended up procrastinating on this post as well. Now that I’m finally in it though, it seems fine – it’s not as much material as I thought it’d be. (As usual, I guess?)

I don’t think I’m excited about being in tech. Even though it’s one of the biggest “things” in the world and I’m sure I’ll have a ton of fomo whenever I “switch” fields (if I end up doing it, that is), yet I think I want to accept that it doesn’t excite me enough. I just genuinely really want to be successful at a creative job.

But there’s the hard part, right? I can’t guarantee the success.

I’ve been debating about what the next “phase” of my life is going to be. Where do I want to be next, where do I want to go next? Summer’s about to be over soon and I’m going to have to start taking some decisions, eventually. The uncertainty’s eventually going to get to me.

Time management’s been a little hard. I think I’ve been all over the place. Between my social goals, creative goals, travel goals, relationship (??) goals and my job and chores – I feel like I can’t get everything done. I’m also aware that this is a common problem and that it’s okay, but I wonder if there’s a way to prioritize or set some boundaries or constraints at the start of a week to have some guidelines to follow as you execute? That sounds like a decent idea. I’m going to give that a shot this week.

Welp, I hit 500 words exactly. So I think that’s a wrap. Time to celebrate – I’m finally done with the 30k milestone! Hope you all have a good week ahead.