culture – Page 4 – untitled atm

051a – drained

Emotions are really hard these days. After I woke up today, I lay in bed for almost twenty minutes doing nothing, paralysed. Just thinking. Ruminating. Eventually, crying. I hope I’m PMS-ing because I don’t know if I can take more mornings like these, at least not this week. I’ve been trying this “morning pages” thing which allows me to journal right after bed or right before going to bed, which has been nice, and yet, today it didn’t help at all. The idea is to clear your head as much as you can and then go about your day. Of course, these word-vomits tend to serve a similar purpose, when I can manage to do them.

I started house-hunting which made me realise I was biting off more than I could chew, so then I decided to pause one other project that I was planning to work on. I think collaboration is something that doesn’t come very easily to me, not without external / organisational structures or the base of knowing a person beforehand, and so that added some icky feelings around this particular project in me as well, which is the primary reason that it was the one I chose to cut.

This weekend was very draining, emotionally and mentally. I had a long, open conversation with some of my family about queerness and sexual, gender identity and although it was much needed and I really appreciate them taking the time to engage, it was definitely tough. I don’t know if I can do this very often. The conversation also took a bit of a turn and people also ended up sharing a bit about some of their stuff, their past, etc.

I wish people of all ages and backgrounds (who can afford to) would be intentional about healing. I wish people would realise how much trauma they hold and carry, I wish people would put in effort to look at it. I don’t like that a lot of people hide behind their age and their “generation”. When you tell about anything that’s a little new to them, they’ll say things like “oh this is just not how our generation thinks” etc etc. But like, we’re not talking about the whole generation. We’re talking about you. Or me. Ah, it just feels like an excuse.

A lot of people will tell me that “when you grow up is when you’ll realise how difficult new things are for you to accept as well”. And I don’t know, maybe I’ll find out they were right, but I hope with all my heart they aren’t. I hope my curiosity doesn’t die. There’s a lot of things that I still don’t agree with or vibe with (AI art, for example), but I don’t think that’s got anything at all to do with age or anything similar to that.

Being in India for the next 2-3 years feels like a pretty challenging quest. And definitely I don’t know if I can be here for the long haul.

048 – solitude, after a while

Haven’t written a 1000-word post in ages. I’m finally back from Bangalore and it’s been an eventful trip so maybe it’s worth reflecting on and I can manage a longer post.

This was probably my longest trip (12 days) in many years. Although it was a different kind of trip (ie I was still staying at people’s homes and not in hotels or airbnbs), it was still the longest time away from “home”, in a way.

Something I found myself craving on a day-to-day basis was alone time. But not just alone time where I don’t have to interact with people (because I did get this), but alone time in the sense of not worrying about being perceived for a few hours as well. I found myself really valuing the experience I was having in between destinations (ie cab rides), just listening to music and chilling. I was reminded of my teenage years, or even the time you spend in hostels (dorms) in college, where you really have to work hard to find pockets of alone time as well as privacy. I was taking phone calls in balconies and in the common society areas, which was also really reminiscent of college, where we’d have to often get creative to find privacy. It was also interesting to see how many people were doing the same thing – ie when I was downstairs I’d often come across other people also taking phone calls, often long ones. It was cool to randomly feel connected by this activity.

I also didn’t play much music or sing during the whole stay, so I spent most of my time today just singing and playing, and I realised I was craving that a lot and thoroughly enjoyed it. Definitely experienced flow with it today.

Overall, I will admit that “experience” is so much more important to creativity than pure “time”. (ie the time dedicated to creative activities). Like the experience and the number of feelings I’ve had in the last 2 weeks has been quite valuable. I think I have a lot of material (maybe not direct) that I want to reflect on or use for art.

Got to reconnect with some of my older friends with whom I hadn’t had the chance to spend a lot of time over the last couple years, and also got to meet a lot of new people (some important, some just good in terms of meeting new people, but mostly good hangs), so pretty happy about that. Also, great food all around. Loved that.

Addictions went a bit up throughout the whole period so looking forward to cutting down on that a bit. At least, theoretically. Physically, thinking about working on quitting creates very strong feelings in my stomach, so that’s definitely worth noticing. I’ve decided on keeping a limit for 3-4 months, and then working on reducing the limit every few months. I’m committing to being more strict from today, and promising myself that I will come back to abide by the limits every time I fall off the wagon.

Other things: Most of my friends are software engineers, and observing them on a daily basis did make me think that maybe it’s not too bad to pick up engineering again. Apart from 2-3 months of higher workloads, I think most people’s work schedules are pretty decent. And a couple of friends also said work isn’t super mentally demanding, and although they meant this is a complaint, for me I think that’s a good thing to have. So, I’m optimistic about this option if I need to (or want to) come back to it a year or so down the line.

Had to cancel another trip that was due this week since I’m a little drained (mentally and emotionally) and as much as FOMO I’ll experience when I see my friend’s pictures, I’m quite sure that it’s the right decision. But definitely want to make a trip to the mountains sometime soon. Maybe August or September.

More other things: I realised that the reason other people’s emotions and problems affect me a lot is because I tend to sometimes take responsibility for it all. I feel a need to fix it or make it better or to really be there for them (even at the cost of my own thing sometimes). And I think I need to work a bit on this, ie I do want to be there for my friends, but I don’t want to feel their feelings for them. I guess I want to be able to empathise and be there for them without taking on (any part of) their emotions.

Alright, I think that’s all I have for the trip-reflection. I’ll now share some other thoughts that are coming up.

A progress-related thought on writing:

I used to worry that some of the stuff I’m writing about could already be covered in previous posts, but today I realised that it’s fine if that’s the case. If stuff shows up again and again, that just means it’s persisting, and there’s nothing wrong with that. In fact, it’s valuable information. In a way, if I thought repeats itself, the situation is still unique, because the thought repeating itself for the 2nd time versus for the 3rd time (at least when it’s written down) are actually two separate situations.

Last meta-writing thought:

I feel like I jump from vastly different topics and ideas when I write in a word-vomit / journal format. I think that’s okay, but I do sometimes wonder what the experience is like for a reader. For example, Ocean Vuong does that too in “On Earth We’re Briefly Gorgeous” but because his writing is so beautiful, I feel like it doesn’t matter whether the thoughts are super connected or not. In fact, sometimes the jumps create more beauty because they leave the reader a little bit curious about whether the “previous topic” ended or not. And if so in what way. Or rather, the incompleteness of certain thoughts adds more beauty, essentially. Anyway, that might be something worth working on. ie how to make seemingly disconnected thoughts connect, or flow, somehow.

046a – time distribution

The part of me that worries about the future is also the part that has a really good imagination. I imagine being 60 and realising that I’ll have a lot of time to create all the art that I want. Provided my health stays somewhat okay, I can still do creative stuff at 60. Which also means it’s worth investing in the skills I want to pick up. Which means even if I’m not making great paintings right now, it’s still worth just doing the thing since I have around 20-30 years at least to get to the point my current self might probably be super proud of, then.

I don’t have to rush over anything. As long as I’m not irrational or completely stupid about the way I spend my money, I think I can afford to take my time with things.

In other news, I miss Amsterdam a little bit. I imagine everything must be really beautiful now that the summer must have arrived fully. I miss the afternoons, the evenings, I miss biking for errands. I miss storytelling nights at Mezrab and poetry nights at Labyrinth. I miss the coffee and the bread, and a random “Bedankt” here and there.

Reconnecting with my friends here in India has been great though. There’s a level of familiarity and familiality (this should be a word) that is almost unbeatable.

May has passed decently and June is going to be occupied with some travel. Once I’m back (ie July) I’ll start looking for apartments and move out of my parents’ place as soon as I find one. Looking forward to that, quite a bit. I’ve kicked off dating again and that’s been good, at least in the sense that I can afford to feel optimistic a bit, and don’t have to beat myself up about not putting in the effort on this front. I’m going to be 28 soon! Despite theoretically being in what I call “my yolo era”, of course the weight of societal expectations will trigger me about all of this from time to time. And the best defence to that (for my sake, I mean, not as an answer to society) of course, is — action.

I’ve been struggling a bit with how much time and bandwidth I want to reserve for the part of me that feels duty bound towards certain people (like family and friends). I think this is how I’d want to divide it*:

Dating (20%) (14 hours)
Creative Goals and Pursuits (30%) (21 hours)
Well-Being & Health (20%) (14 hours) [Includes recreation]
Social (15%) (10 hours)
Responsibilities (15%) (10 hours)
Misc [Future Planning? Lol idk? Other things]

Okay I think this helps. This tells me how much I can afford to spend on these buckets and if I did actually spend my time this way I probably wouldn’t be unhappy. Currently I’m not living in ideal conditions so my time is not distributed this way, which is fine. I’m hopeful that once the distribution moves closer to what I’ve listed above, things should be better. I’ve left a bucket open for other things that may come up and demand some of this usable time of mine.

Anyway, good sesh. Let me know how y’all spend your time and if I’ve missed important buckets!

*Rough weekly estimates. Calculated on the basis of having 10*7 hours of usable time every week after accounting for sleep, food etc, commute.

045a – book review: on earth we’re briefly gorgeous

You know you’ve consumed something great when it changes you. Really changes you. Ocean Vuong’s “On Earth We’re Briefly Gorgeous” does that for me.

I’ve been wanting to get back, really get back into reading for the longest time. And while this year has been better than the last couple years in terms of “successful” reading, it’s only now that I truly feel like I’m back. Ocean Vuong is obviously someone who loves words the way they are meant to be loved. And it’s this love that washes over you, dissolves a bit of you with every page.

Every page is cathartic, every sentence is magic.

It’s a book that makes you want to read more, write more, feel more, live more.

Side note: this is what inspiration must truly feel like, to want a layer of this person added to your layers. And then you could apply this new combined layer as a filter to all your thoughts and everything you want to express, and that’d all be really great.

Anyway, the language in the book, by itself, is simple enough, and I mean that in the best way possible, and it’s the arrangement, the tone, and the content that makes it an absolute gem. I could tell you that it talks of war, of immigration, of love, of abuse, of family, of friendship, of art, of addiction, of identity but that’d give you very little information.

What I want to tell you instead, is this: with every feeling that the writer expresses, there will be five more of your own that you’d be able to get in touch with. And then of course, there’d be some that you might just directly resonate with. Both of these experiences, when they occur truly, are priceless.

If you had to read one book this year, make it this one.

043b – checking your privilege & other confusing phrases

Over the last few months, I’ve felt an increased responsibility towards giving back to the society. This came through a variety of sources, the primary being a book called “All about Love” by Bell Hooks, where she talks about how the western society doesn’t believe in wealth sharing, etc. (She said it better, I don’t remember the whole thing).

It’s also come up in discussions between friends, discussions related to privilege and what it really means to “check your privilege”. We don’t really understand this phrase, but our hunch is it means to be aware of your privilege. And I think, fortunately, most people around me are somewhat aware of it.

It also came up because I recently decided to take a break from work and do nothing. Which, as a friend pointed out to me (though I already knew this), is something very few people can afford to do.

A couple years ago, I’d discovered this beautiful tool: https://howrichami.givingwhatwecan.org/ — you can basically input your annual income and it tells you how rich you are, globally. It’s really impressive, clean and concise.

I’m currently unemployed, but while I was earning, I was basically in the top 3%, globally. (And 1% when I was in the US). So, yeah, privilege. Anyway, now that I finally had some mental bandwidth, I signed a pledge!

Of course, a discussion about privilege would be remiss without me mentioning the areas I’m not privileged in: I’m a woman of colour, I’m queer (now living in India), and I have an anxiety disorder (GAD).

However, here’s the crazy part: I’ve found that it’s easier to accept these things (ie what’s not good) when you accept what is good. And it’s easier to accept how privileged you are when you’re not feeling guilty about it.

So, the simplest way to accept your wealth privilege? See how significant it is. And if that clarity calls you to do something about it, that’d be awesome. If and when you do donate, feel free to be happy and vocal about it. I firmly believe that the whole “donations shouldn’t be talked about or should be more under the radar” school of thought is not necessarily helpful. If being vocal about sharing your wealth makes you more likely to share it, I think that’s okay.

Share your fortune, folks! Spread the love.

040b – how do you like to travel?

I dream of a vacation where I don’t have to worry about little things the night before it begins. I’d have an easy morning, actually have breakfast, have enough time to dilly-dally and then finally begin my journey, which wouldn’t be a long one. It’d be a 2-3 hour drive to maybe a small village in the countryside. I’d be able to check into the guesthouse that I got from wherever with a key that was left for me under the doormat. The guesthouse would already be stocked with some basic groceries like bread, butter, eggs, coffee and milk, sufficing for at least the evening and the next morning. (I just realised I’m describing a famous five holiday lol)

Instead, I worry a good amount the night before. Responding to the airbnb host about our check-in time (because not all airbnbs are self check-in), web check-in, the remaining 30% of my packing, waking up on time. I wake up later than I wanted so I’m not able to squeeze in a coffee or a snack before leaving my house.

My relationship with travel is kind of mixed. I think my peers like it way more than I do, and I do sometimes feel pressurised by the push for it. But I do love many things about venturing out of your daily life, I love that I’m a little more open as a person when I’m traveling, I love that traveling is one of the ways to ensure that you’ll have experiences that wouldn’t have had otherwise or could have planned for. Some of my best memories with people I like have been on trips.

But because I have an anxiety disorder, the cost to all of this is not low. It means I’m fairly anxious ~2/x days (because taking flights is almost always a high anxiety activity for me). And while some of the things have gotten a lot better than even 3-4 years ago, overall I’d still say it’s like being in a more fragile or “at risk” state when I’m traveling. If things go well, it’s all good, but if something goes wrong it could affect me in ways that I can’t always predict.

But like I said, even as I write this, I’m realising just how much things have gotten better. I’m learning that I like mixed itineraries, I like having some rough plans but with enough room to change them. I like traveling with people who can be a little accommodating of me and my preferences. (Of course, I make sure to tell them this beforehand) And I’m also learning how to communicate to my travel buddies when I beed something specific (this could be simple things like time or space or just more patience for my emotions from their side). I like that spending time with someone you already know and like but “in a different place” adds a lovely new dimension to the relationship.

I’ve also gotten better at tuning out of work as soon as my break begins. Most of all, I’m learning to not worry about the “relative value” of an activity. ie “Travelling seems to make my peers really happy but for me it’s always mixed feelings”. I’m learning to focus on the absolute value of it, ie only for me, in my context. It’s a highly personal thing and I’m allowing myself to treat it that way.

038a – food as a language

Our conversation at work often revolves around food. I think this was true back in San Francisco too but I wasn’t as present during that time period when I was really getting to know my colleagues over lunch. But here it’s been better (from my end). I feel present, I’ve also gained a better understanding and view of dishes and cuisines from around the world so I suppose I feel a bit more confident and at ease participating in these conversations.

Today was another such day. And it got me thinking about how food is such an amazing medium to get to know someone and their culture. Sometimes I still can’t believe how for the first 20-something years of my life I didn’t have a good appreciation for food. Of course, I liked some food items a lot and didn’t like certain things, I wasn’t without my preferences. But I never thought about the what’s and the why’s. And definitely never really stopped to appreciate how delicious and sensually fulfilling food can be.

My ex-boyfriend was a true foodie (before it was “cool”), and I can never really fully articulate how glad I am for this aspect of him (among others too).

This introductory food appreciation stint was followed by me moving out of India, and that was definitely much different. Little did I know how the pastas and pizzas I was so used to eating back in India were so different from what you got in New York, or San Francisco, which themselves were so different from what you’d get in Italy. Of course, there’s still so much I haven’t tried but I’m more open now, more curious about it. Because I’m also seeing the benefits.

One aspect of food discourse that I enjoy is seeing how certain ingredients are common across various cultures (and not just geographically adjacent ones), and I’d be really interested to learn more about how geography and climate play a role into this as well.

But one thing I think I only fully realised today is that while I’ve often seen really well-produced food shows or videos by really talented people on the internet which are super-duper informative and enlightening.. it’s nothing compared to how much you learn (and retain) when you actually share a physical space with someone.

Or maybe someone talking to me in detail about food preferences is just intimate to me. And maybe it’s got nothing to do with cultural expansion and everything to do simply with — feeling seen.