Meta-Writing – Page 3

050 – two months of moving to India + 50,000 words

Lately I’ve had nights where I wake up with the same thoughts that were buzzing in my head when I was going to sleep. It’s kinda weird, because sleep is almost always a good way to get a “reset”. Without this reset, the day that’s coming up can feel really bleak (if the night had been feeling that way). I woke up kind of depressed today. I’ve been feeling low since the last two days. Which, of course, I’m generally used to, ie periods of feeling low, but things were still a bit tough this weekend.

This lowness was making me doubt my moving-to-India decision quite strongly. I’m okay now, did a bit of physical exercise, had my afternoon coffee, played a game of online Catan, and consumed a bit of nicotine too. In the meanwhile, my mind was able to come up with some counters for this doubt.

I did this to minimise regrets, and that’s still very important. If I plan to adjust to India even for a full year, I will have to go through the doubt days. The days when it feels like a bad decision. That’s just a part of any big move. I’ve had similar days in grad school in Atlanta, in SF and even in Amsterdam. Regardless of the place or the thing, I’m like a 100% sure that “doubt” is just a part of the package.

I literally don’t have the option to not be working anywhere else. So I just need to remind myself to be grateful for the career freedom I have right now. I don’t get that anywhere else. When I see people living in all these beautiful countries and “having fun”, I don’t see the 40 hours work-weeks they’re living for that fun. (Yes, that may still be enjoying that, but I personally wouldn’t at this time, so it’s just not an option for me.) I don’t get to compare the “fun” if I don’t keep in mind the work thing.

The other day I was talking to my sister, who was having similar feelings about her decision to be in the US. And we concluded that no place has everything, so even if we want to divide our time in multiple places in the long-term, in the short-term we still need to focus on making the most of where we are. That advice is obviously valuable for me as well. While I’m here, I need to focus on all the things I have here. ie the people, the art I want to make and all the additional time I have that I get to use on whatever I want.

That brings me to the next thing. How do I want to spend all this extra time I have? I think I’ve already addressed that here. Maybe it might be worth putting down some long-term goals to make all of those buckets a little less vague.

Currently, I think I’m also feeling blocked because house-search is taking a good amount of bandwidth, and I feel like I’m not able to fully feel the freedom that I want (need) until that isn’t done. And that’s fair. Since that is something I’m sure I need to get started on “life”, it’s okay for me to feel blocked by it. Of course, in ideal conditions, we won’t be waiting for X and Y to be sorted before we could work on Z, ie if Z was important enough, but I don’t think I’m there yet. And it’s not like I’m not doing Z at all. I’m just not fully able to enjoy it.

Since this is going to be my 50th post here, I figured it might be worth making it a 1000-word post. I was planning to reflect a bit on writing anyway, so maybe I can just do that here.

I’ve increasingly been feeling that setting up this blog was one of the best things I could have done for my writing goals. And my creative goals in general too. The freedom of just being able to write whatever you want and hit “Publish” without thinking much about it is amazing. The pipeline is easy, there isn’t much overhead, and I get to feel satisfied about sharing most of what I’m writing.

I have 70 subscribers here! Yay! While the number may not feel like a lot in today’s age of multiple thousands followers and subscribers that most people have, it’s still worth celebrating, since this is purely word-vomits, and by some miracle I have 70 people who receive updates whenever I share something. (They may or may not read it, it doesn’t matter, really, but I’m super duper grateful anyway)

Because dedicating a place for just writing was so helpful to me (and similarly the music account I have on Insta was as well), I do think it might be worth separating out my photography and art accounts too. I’m super conflicted about this one, and I follow a couple people who’ve experienced the same conflict too, but data tells me I should do it, if I really just want to do “more” of either (or both) things.

The other day someone asked me what is the one thing (activity) I feel like is “mine”, the one which I feel really called towards, or really am able to feel “attached” to in a way… and I said “writing”. I think that itself for someone like me speaks volumes. And I think I have this blog to thank for it.

I posted a lot in May and June! So having the spare time to do this did make me do more of this, and that makes me incredibly happy.

Getting back into reading has been good too. I’ve had 2-3 years of very minimal reading, and now that I’m getting back into it, it feels really good. While reading is not necessarily a requirement for writing, it does help to get some inspiration from time to time. I finally left the book I was stuck on even though I thought I didn’t want to leave it midway, and started reading a new one, which was a great decision because a. It’s been a really enjoyable read and b. It makes me want to write more.

Alright, that’s a wrap on 50,000 words on here. Happy July!

049a – what else is coming up?

Excited. Excited to finish 50k words soon. Excited to begin my Delhi phase soon. I’ve never actually lived in Delhi apart from college (which almost doesn’t count because we were so sheltered, but I’ve great memories of Delhi). I wanna do some research around whether safety in Delhi is actually as bad as it was a few years ago. Just based on “vibes”, I feel like things might’ve improved. But I don’t know, vibes can be misleading. Excited to setup my house and fill it with a bunch of art and plants. I’ve ordered new painting supplies so I’m also excited to practice some art soon. Excited to see this person-I’ve-met-a-couple-times, again.

Content. I took a break from this because the excitement to paint took over me. It was a good idea since I painted a couple of abstract-ey landscapes which I really enjoyed. And they came out nice too. I was drained after so I didn’t get back to this until now. Content with some creative progress as well. I’ve gotten faster at painting the same things I was painting a few months earlier. I’ve also gotten better at leaving things at 90%. (Yes, going to the 100% is very important in certain cases, but personally, more often than not it’s better for me when I’m able to stop at a “good enough” state.) Content with this word-vomit as well, I quite like this grouping-thoughts-by-feelings thing.

Anxious. Anxious about a dentist appointment I have tomorrow. Anxious about spending too much time with mom, I don’t know why. Anxious that I don’t have too many social plans for the coming week, and my parents are traveling so I essentially won’t have anyone at home. Which.. I was excited about earlier but I haven’t planned the week well enough to still be excited about it. But maybe I can do some planning over the weekend. Anxious about some of the tasks on my todo list which I really don’t want to get to. But I’ll have to, so that’s going to be tomorrow and the weekend as well.

Unmotivated. Unmotivated to think about certain long-term questions that I thought I can take my time with, but.. since 2 months of chilling are about to be over, I might need to think about some of them sometime this month. Unmotivated to respond to a bunch of texts I haven’t been feeling like looking at.

Doubtful. Doubtful about how much social media usage I’m okay with. I’ve been trying to cut down on Instagram consumption a bit, but not super seriously, but I know deep down that as long as I continue to get some amount of dopamine from social media, I’m not going to put (as much) effort into other things, the more real things. But I know I can’t cut Instagram completely since it’s a big outlet for art-sharing for me.

Dissatisfied. Dissatisfied with the amount of physical exercise I got today. Definitely need to get more tomorrow.

Theorising. I do think it might be important to cut down (or completely eliminate) social media if I want to increase satisfaction overall. The wanting-to-be-everywhere problem only comes up more when you get a bunch of exposure from a bunch of people in different places.

048 – solitude, after a while

Haven’t written a 1000-word post in ages. I’m finally back from Bangalore and it’s been an eventful trip so maybe it’s worth reflecting on and I can manage a longer post.

This was probably my longest trip (12 days) in many years. Although it was a different kind of trip (ie I was still staying at people’s homes and not in hotels or airbnbs), it was still the longest time away from “home”, in a way.

Something I found myself craving on a day-to-day basis was alone time. But not just alone time where I don’t have to interact with people (because I did get this), but alone time in the sense of not worrying about being perceived for a few hours as well. I found myself really valuing the experience I was having in between destinations (ie cab rides), just listening to music and chilling. I was reminded of my teenage years, or even the time you spend in hostels (dorms) in college, where you really have to work hard to find pockets of alone time as well as privacy. I was taking phone calls in balconies and in the common society areas, which was also really reminiscent of college, where we’d have to often get creative to find privacy. It was also interesting to see how many people were doing the same thing – ie when I was downstairs I’d often come across other people also taking phone calls, often long ones. It was cool to randomly feel connected by this activity.

I also didn’t play much music or sing during the whole stay, so I spent most of my time today just singing and playing, and I realised I was craving that a lot and thoroughly enjoyed it. Definitely experienced flow with it today.

Overall, I will admit that “experience” is so much more important to creativity than pure “time”. (ie the time dedicated to creative activities). Like the experience and the number of feelings I’ve had in the last 2 weeks has been quite valuable. I think I have a lot of material (maybe not direct) that I want to reflect on or use for art.

Got to reconnect with some of my older friends with whom I hadn’t had the chance to spend a lot of time over the last couple years, and also got to meet a lot of new people (some important, some just good in terms of meeting new people, but mostly good hangs), so pretty happy about that. Also, great food all around. Loved that.

Addictions went a bit up throughout the whole period so looking forward to cutting down on that a bit. At least, theoretically. Physically, thinking about working on quitting creates very strong feelings in my stomach, so that’s definitely worth noticing. I’ve decided on keeping a limit for 3-4 months, and then working on reducing the limit every few months. I’m committing to being more strict from today, and promising myself that I will come back to abide by the limits every time I fall off the wagon.

Other things: Most of my friends are software engineers, and observing them on a daily basis did make me think that maybe it’s not too bad to pick up engineering again. Apart from 2-3 months of higher workloads, I think most people’s work schedules are pretty decent. And a couple of friends also said work isn’t super mentally demanding, and although they meant this is a complaint, for me I think that’s a good thing to have. So, I’m optimistic about this option if I need to (or want to) come back to it a year or so down the line.

Had to cancel another trip that was due this week since I’m a little drained (mentally and emotionally) and as much as FOMO I’ll experience when I see my friend’s pictures, I’m quite sure that it’s the right decision. But definitely want to make a trip to the mountains sometime soon. Maybe August or September.

More other things: I realised that the reason other people’s emotions and problems affect me a lot is because I tend to sometimes take responsibility for it all. I feel a need to fix it or make it better or to really be there for them (even at the cost of my own thing sometimes). And I think I need to work a bit on this, ie I do want to be there for my friends, but I don’t want to feel their feelings for them. I guess I want to be able to empathise and be there for them without taking on (any part of) their emotions.

Alright, I think that’s all I have for the trip-reflection. I’ll now share some other thoughts that are coming up.

A progress-related thought on writing:

I used to worry that some of the stuff I’m writing about could already be covered in previous posts, but today I realised that it’s fine if that’s the case. If stuff shows up again and again, that just means it’s persisting, and there’s nothing wrong with that. In fact, it’s valuable information. In a way, if I thought repeats itself, the situation is still unique, because the thought repeating itself for the 2nd time versus for the 3rd time (at least when it’s written down) are actually two separate situations.

Last meta-writing thought:

I feel like I jump from vastly different topics and ideas when I write in a word-vomit / journal format. I think that’s okay, but I do sometimes wonder what the experience is like for a reader. For example, Ocean Vuong does that too in “On Earth We’re Briefly Gorgeous” but because his writing is so beautiful, I feel like it doesn’t matter whether the thoughts are super connected or not. In fact, sometimes the jumps create more beauty because they leave the reader a little bit curious about whether the “previous topic” ended or not. And if so in what way. Or rather, the incompleteness of certain thoughts adds more beauty, essentially. Anyway, that might be something worth working on. ie how to make seemingly disconnected thoughts connect, or flow, somehow.

047b – sadness is freeing

There is a question that various artists and creators have addressed over the decades: Is sadness, pain necessary to create art? [1]

Everyone has their own answers, and I’m not going to attempt to share a version of my answer to this today. But I do want to share another observation, somewhat related. I do find that there is a certain freedom in sadness that I don’t feel in happiness. With happiness, I find myself getting attached, wanting to hold on to it longer, wanting to preserve, and overall just very afraid to mess something up. With sadness, or other “negative” emotions, on the other hand, I feel extremely free. There is no pressure to be a certain way, “you’re already sad”, things can’t really get worse, and I feel like that opens up ideas, the page, the canvas, everything.

So while pain may not be “necessary” to create art, I do think it lends better to most art than positive emotions do. But of course, this may differ for people.

One part of this could be my particular relation with positive emotions. Why is it that positive emotions demand more attention and preservation from me? I guess it’s insecurity at some level. Maybe I’m more confident in giving up control when it comes to negative emotions (because I learnt that I needed to, and there wasn’t another way), and in that way I’ve actually learnt to process them even better than positive emotions. I need to let positive emotions also take their own course. I need to accept that those, too, cannot last.

The other part though is the “sharing” of art, and not just its creation. Firstly, I do believe that more sharing leads to more creation, and that is the primary reason why sharing is important. But even with sharing, it’s easier to share stuff related to negative emotions (for me), because even though happiness gets more rewarded on social media, I’m almost worried about conveying that I’m happy and sorted. Because if I convey that once, I worry that people are not going to be around when I’m sad again. But maybe that’s related to same thought around permanence. Maybe because I want happiness to be somewhat permanent, I think that other people look at it the same way as well. Maybe I feel the world has an idea of permanence around happiness as well.

Okay, to summarise: I feel more freedom around negative emotions as compared to positive emotions. I think negative emotions are not necessary but do lend better to the creation as well as sharing of art. I worry that the world also has the same ideas as me when it comes to relating happiness or positive emotions with a certain amount of permanence.

[1] Ocean Vuong talks about this in “On Earth We’re Briefly Gorgeous”

046b – i feel shitty when i don’t journal enough

Haven’t written anything for the last 4-5 days and it’s getting to me. Last few days have been quite emotionally exhausting since I’ve been spending a time with a lot of old friends and in general, what seems like an insanely new environment. I did expect a lot of discomfort to show up during this trip, but knowing that didn’t help me too much in navigating it. Finally got some time to myself today though, and that’s been helpful with recharging etc.

I’ve been having an explosion of thoughts right around midnight which then keeps me up for at least 2-3 hours before I finally fall asleep, and needless to say— that’s not pleasant at all. I think journaling before bedtime (like I’m doing right now) will be helpful.

There’s a few triggers I’m recognising which I probably need to be mindful of when I’m hanging out with a lot of people (old and new):

Happy couples, relationshipy things
Overly work-focused conversations
People who are seemingly thriving, well-adjusted and sorted wrt more than 70% of their life things
Being “bad” at anything

That’s all I can think of right now but I’d love to keep coming back to this list because I’m sure having it written down in front of me will be helpful.

Otherwise, things are okay. I’m getting to explore Bangalore as a city a little bit and that’s nice. The (good) weather does make a difference, I’ve found. More like-minded people around (as compared to Delhi) and that might end up being important too.

Sometimes I feel like going really deep into the micro-ness of situations. But I’m afraid. I’m afraid of putting it all out there. I think something I’m going to struggle with is how to talk (write) about the people around you without revealing too much. Not because I’m afraid of the truth of certain situations to be out there, but because sometimes the situation isn’t completely yours to tell.

Feeling a lot of pressure to create and share more. I think I need to focus on skill development as opposed to just having this vague goal of “creating more”. Need some structure with all of these (creative) activities. Or at least some of them. Or maybe this is part of me realising I don’t actually enjoy them as much as I thought I did and I’m just not ready to accept that yet. Man, it’d be very disappointing if that were the case.

I think lately, even though I’m not always happy (which of course is not possible either), I’m definitely more satisfied with life. Like overall, I’m satisfied and content with the decisions I’ve taken. And of course I’m still working on a lot of my shortcomings, some more important than others, but despite that, I’m definitely content with certain things:

Having a regular journaling / blogging routine
Making enough time for emotions and myself
- Through regular therapy
Improvement on my ability and speed to come back to the present when needed
Having taken the decision to take this work-break & move to India
My social connections

Alright that’s enough of the good and the bad. Write soon!

039b – the passing nature of feelings + writing is a weapon

But eventually, most feelings pass. Even the most intense ones. It’s hard to believe that one day you could be grieving the one that got away, fully believing that no, you’re really never going to love again, and two days later the only thing you want with all your heart is to be present at your friend’s wedding which the whole world seems to have somehow made it for. And then that makes you ask a question to yourself… Is the FOMO (here, I’m referring to the feeling of missing out, not the “fear” of it) real? Ie would the feeling have been diluted a bit if fewer “other” people had made it to the big thing? Ie yes, you’re really sad to not be around for your friend’s big day, but is it a lil tougher simply because so many other people are? Ie feeling alone in your fomo can definitely make it worse.

Now that we’ve isolated and untangled our feelings a bit after writing about them in 2nd person because hey, let’s face it that’s much easier.. I think I’m okay. I think I’m okay with the reality of having made some bad decisions. I’m okay with telling myself I’ll do better next time.

Man, writing is so miraculous. When I write, new questions open up magically. Questions I wasn’t able to see when the thoughts were just thoughts in my head. What is it about putting thoughts out on a paper (or screen yeah yeah) that makes them feel so structurally accessible? I was going over some of my notes from 2020 and I’m feeling quite impressed by 2020-self in the way I write about my feelings and just open them up for analysis.

For example: This is a note I have around one of the feelings that comes up post break-ups. (ie not being able to express your lingering love for a person)

The main thing I’m impressed by is how quickly I am able to jump to a different thought (ideally a question, or a less negative thought) when I write. I think if this were just in my head I’d ponder over related thoughts (ie “I really miss him” -> “I really just wanna tell him ILY” -> “Maybe I should text him” etc etc) before I’d find the ability to question this train of thoughts.

My conclusion from today’s adventures?: Faith in journaling and writing has been re-restored. Some of the stuff I went through today feels very breakthrough-like. Quite a fulfilling day in terms of self-growth. I was also quite sick for a whole week so quite glad to finally be feeling better.

037a – back home, kind of

Haven’t been feeling great for the last couple days. Not mentally, per se. I think more physically. Fell sick last week and I think I’m still recovering a bit. The pressure of making the most of a new place is a bit too much, I don’t know. Taking it chill doesn’t seem to be the correct philosophy for life lately. I mean, maybe I’m not even sure whether I’d want to be taking it chill, even if the world told me it was okay.

I’ve been making more music though, and it’s been nice to get to that point. I’m also more motivated to maybe try playing at an open mic sometime soon. Maybe in the next 6 months. I say 6, because ideally it’s 4 but also winters will come around soon so might not be realistic to be able to do this before November.

I wanna feel better soon. So I can plan more social things without having to cancel them last minute.

I think I’m going to take a step back from insta-posting. Maybe that era’s behind me. I want to get more creative with expression, now. There was a time when “expressing” was important than the form it took.. but maybe that’s not the case anymore. Maybe I want to focus on the second part of expression, ie the connection and resonance it’s suppose to create with another person. I’ll need to become more organized. I’ll need to become more disciplined. Am I afraid? Of course I am. It sucks to have to realize that maybe you’re not good at things you wanted to be good at. But I wouldn’t know until I give it a real shot. Which means restarting my vocal lessons, really putting focus time into songwriting etc.

This doesn’t have to be pressurizing. I don’t have to do everything at once.

I need to restart therapy as well. I don’t know how long I can carry on without some support. Right now I’m feeling okay but suddenly at 1pm sometimes things feel really heavy.

Cool thing of the day though – I’d ordered some clothes from Uniqlo and I finally received them, one of the pieces fit me really well and I’m pretty happy!

Anyway, today came with some questions worth pondering over –

Do you feel in touch with your life? What parts feel good, what don’t?

I think I need more people in my life for sure. Need to put myself out there, both in terms of friendships and dating. Need more variety of people as well, need people with whom I’m more aligned in terms of values etc. Health is the other thing, I’ll have to make some commitments to myself soon. I’ve been unable to, but it’s going to be high-time soon. I don’t want to reach a point where some of the damage I’ve done to my body is irreversible.

Which goals do I wanna prioritize over the others? (Personal, social, career-based)

How to balance living with reflection?

036b – blocked

Feeling very blocked since the last two days. So I need to get a word-vomit out before I sleep tonight. Blocked, how? Mainly, creatively. Living at home really takes up a lot of mental space. So I think I’ve found that it’s comfortable and mostly pleasant, but not fulfilling enough. What makes me feel fulfilled? I think when I’m spending enough time on my hobbies and other creative pursuits. And I really do need dedicated time-spaces for that.

I was home for my sister’s wedding and that’s now been wound up for exactly 10 days. It’s about time I get back to the things I want to be doing in my daily life. Will also have the weekend somewhat to myself so I can dedicate that to wrapping this up, for good. Will also try to make a todo list after I’m done with this write-up. I think there’s been a lot of joy around for the last month but all of it feels like it’s been on borrowed time. It doesn’t fully feel mine, especially since it feels like it didn’t come out of my “daily routine”. It’s a one-off thing. Does that reduce the value of it? Probably not, and yet.. I’d thought about various things I could have done if I was home for longer than a month, and I haven’t really committed to any of them. I don’t know, time just keeps slipping away. It’s been hard to focus, anyway.

Really couldn’t focus on this either so I tried to make a quick todo list. I think it’s helped already. Should I just give this up, though? I remember how the voice in my head used to be so loud and incessant. And now I barely have anything to talk about. Why’s that the case? It’s the open questions that really kill you. I’d mentioned these in my previous word-vomit but they’re still very very open and very very icky. What do I want to focus on in life? How do I want to be spending my time? How do I try to find someone / how do I look for relationships? Where do I wanna be, geographically, long-term. Does the geography question matter if I want to be seriously dating?

At least word-vomits still don’t take more than 30 minutes. I don’t know why I dread starting this still when I know a small post will barely take any time. Maybe I’ve lost some of my “reflection” skills. Whatever that means. Oh man, living in the present is just so difficult.

This is probably one of the least interesting series of sentences I’ve ever written but I’m going to post it anyway, since that’s the only way I get to continue / move past this. Hope you all have a better start to the weekend than mine!

036a – updates and questions

“How are you?” — Nobody’s asked me that in a while. Well, at least not in a way where I could have told them how I am, really. Actually, I suppose mom kinda did ask me this today, but it didn’t feel enough. Not sure why.

It feels silly to think about this while the US is going through a massive setback. While my social media feed has already made me numb to the news. But it is what it is, I suppose. I feel what I feel. And what I feel is some kind of loneliness, as I often do.

I’m in India for a month, for my sister’s wedding. Super happy for her and all that, of course. But it’s been a lot of work, and I don’t see that changing. It’d all be fine, I feel, except I have a big problem to solve within the next 3 weeks. It’s an administrative problem, so not really worth talking about here, but suffice to say it’s taking up a lot of mental space and isn’t something I can avoid.

I feel like Indian weddings really need to be scaled down a bit. Or I don’t know. The brunt of planning really shouldn’t fall on civilians like us, unless they really want it to. Or well, I guess I’m just unhappy with the situation I’m in, and I don’t need to generalize it for the whole country. Point being, I feel like I could have been way happier for her if there wasn’t such a huge, stressful multiple day event being planned around it. I am an anxious cat, after all.

Sometimes I really wonder if I need to delete my social media accounts etc. I’m definitely spending more time on scrolling than I want to be. My counter has always been that I really enjoy posting (creative outlet, etc) and that that part of it isn’t addictive either. So if I delete accounts completely, what would then be a good replacement for the part that acts a nice little motivator for my creative pursuits? I don’t know yet. I think the simple answer is that it’ll have to be more internal. And I feel like I have it in me, but it feels like a big change. I suppose that’s all the more reason to do it. I don’t really need it anyway.

I’m also a little sad that I’ve only been doing 500-word posts lately and no 1000-word posts. I feel like some of the good stuff really comes up when you push past the discomfort that comes up around 600-650 words. I guess I’ll keep this in mind the next time.

Alright, last chunk. Some questions I want to think about, whenever I find some time for myself:

[Ick] Career stuff. This is really icky right now, but I really need to look into this.
[Ick] Geography stuff. Should I think about this independently, or otherwise?
[Task] Restart therapy and singing lessons. The only two things which were providing a nice routine for me up until March. And hopefully therapy can also help me find some time for the former two issues.

Okay I’m out, good night!

035b – dream cities (read: dreams)

People often ask me what my dream city would be. Mostly when I’m complaining about how geographical movement is hard. But I don’t know if I have a dream city. I just have dreams.. and most cities I’ve lived in are capable of fulfilling them for me.

I don’t think my dreams are too big. I want to sing for small-medium sized groups of people. I want a decent-sized sunlit apartment to spend my indoors time in. I want a guitar and a keyboard at home. I want relatively warm weather for as much time of the year as possible. A couple months of rainy weather would be nice too.

I want a sense of community, belonging: I think I’ve gotten pretty good at being able to build this, again, at least in places I’ve lived so far. I want to be around good friends. And I think I want to spend 20% of my social (and free)-time with close family.

I want a person to share all of this with. I want to be able to do fun things with them. I probably want us to co-parent a cat. And some plants.

And of course, I want to able to earn some amount of money to support all of these things. Ideally, I want a career that can help me earn some money and also help me fulfill some of my yearnings. But with a lot of remote opportunities and general globalization, I think the city I choose wouldn’t affect this in a big way.

I want some greenery I can access within 10-15 minutes of walking or biking, ideally. I want to be able to drive a car. And I want a city with infrastructure decent enough to make it fun to drive around.

Of course, I want to be safe while I do all this. So yes, half of the Indian cities I know get removed from my “cities I can live in” list. But Bangalore, Mumbai and even Delhi (with some caveats) stay on.

I want good food. I definitely want some cute cafes here and there. I want to be able to go dancing once a while.

–

I was writing this between breaks from reading this brilliant read about picking careers. Went back and spent around 2 more hours on it, brainstormed and introspected a bit, and suddenly I find myself feeling very optimistic. Maybe it’s helping that I’m seeing 7 am after many days (my sleep schedule’s been really bad, so I ended up pulling an all-nighter today). But regardless, the optimism is real.

I’m okay with perhaps switching careers at the age of 30, I’m okay with being single for as long as I don’t find the right person (and if that never ends up happening, I feel like I’ll be okay with that too), I’m okay with possibly never having kids (which reduces the time pressure on finding someone). And lastly, I’m perfectly okay with my place in this world – small or big. How liberating to feel this. Hope it lasts a while!