Category: Meta-Writing

015b – addiction + short posts

I want to understand what addiction is. In my previous few posts I mention how some activities might make us feel good in a potentially illusive way. Obvious examples that come to mind – mindless social media content consumption, video games that aren’t truly challenging or fun anymore but simply dopamine releases. (I’ve felt this when I was going through an online Catan addiction phase.)

I want to check whether that’s true. Are some activities simply dopamine releases? And even if they are, at what point is that okay and what point do they become addictions? I want to find this out so I can review my current addictions and maybe do something about them.

So a quick skim of some seemingly trustable sources suggests that substances or behaviors are addictive if they’re interfering with sleep or real life, taking too much time or in general creating negative feelings if withheld from the consumer. So I can say for sure that I was addicted to Catan since I remember getting pretty sad and “bored” when I wouldn’t find good company to play it with.

Now if I had to do a quick listing of what I think my current addictions are, I’d probably go with these: 

  • Sugar (since I get “real cravings” quite often, throughout the day)

  • Hot water showers (since I cannot imagine changing this without a ton of mental and physical effort)

  • Social media + engagement (Twitter is the platform I’m most “addicted” to, for the last couple months, I think)

  • Writing (or “publishing”) (I’m a little worried about this since I do find myself being distracted from work due to this, almost as if I’m chasing a “high”. I “dislike research” but I’m also doing quick skims and reads, barely enough to be able to reference them, barely enough to get something out everyday)
    • I did a quick “can writing addiction be a thing” and it looks like it’s almost a laughable idea? So, uh, probably my anxious little mind scaring me off of everything.

  • Caffeine – I don’t think I’m as addicted as I used to be until a few months ago, but I know for sure there’s something here since I keep saying that I’m only addicted to the thought / idea of a “tasty beverage” but I haven’t yet found anything without caffeine that works well enough.  

I think these are mostly it. I don’t think I need to be working on any of these at the moment, since I am currently working on reducing some of my “constraints”. Most of them are related to body dysmorphia and exposure therapy, and it makes sense that I come back to that now that I’ve decided to value my time again. 

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I don’t think short essays should be this short. I feel like this was barely anything worth putting out into public, but I know I have space for a short post so I’ll probably end up doing it anyway. I think, so far, I’ve been posting mostly “notes”y writing, and that’s fine since that’s what I started with. But I think it might be nice to consider investing a bit more time in connecting notes, ideas, observations and maybe making stories out of them? Or maybe starting to think about the value in it for a reader? I know I’m cheating (a lot) by adding information that’s not truly relevant to the topic I originally started writing about, but I also think that’s okay since that’s probably a sign of something else. I think the information I’m receiving here is that I don’t fully believe in a “purely quantitative” goal. I just borrowed a goal that someone else had for themselves since it felt like a nice goal to follow. But if I’m still not feeling good enough about “just putting some words” on a page then it definitely means that I need to reevaluate why I’m following this goal.

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References: 

[1] [2] [3] [4] [5]

010 – reflecting on writing or expression

Probably about to reach ten posts soon. It’s been a fun week, I know the pace isn’t sustainable for me but it’s been fun to find that excitement. I’m at that point where I can allow myself to think a little bit about the meta-questions that are coming up. I am not super sure about having too many meta-posts on here, but again.. can’t really care about all of that right now, right? Gotta keep playing the numbers game.

So, who am I writing (expressing) for? Do I want other people to read this? Why do I want them to read this? If I do want them to read this, what value can I give to them? Do I need to start thinking about the topics that I’m writing about? Some of the surface level thoughts and feelings are done, how do I be okay with diving in deeper? I also noticed how the first post isn’t visible on the home page anymore, I don’t really feel like investing time in making sure all posts are easily accessible, but I think I’m probably going to have to. 

Now that I’ve asked these questions, might as well attempt answering them. *sigh* 

Who am I writing (expressing) for?

Pretty much myself. I have a need (want) to express, to feel heard and to feel seen. And my current “listeners” (friends, family, therapist) are unable to fulfill that need well enough. Writing and sharing it out into the world makes me feel like I’m somehow addressing that need, even if I don’t always get immediate engagement or the pleasure of truly knowing that that’s happening. But it’s a gut thing, a feelings thing – and it’s working, at least so far. Plus, I have my (potentially) meaningless goal of quantity that I also get to chase. 

Do I want other people to read this?

Well, now that I’ve brought up the desire to feel seen and heard, I’d say yes. I also find myself sharing a few of these with people whose opinions I value or care about. So, yes, I think I definitely have started wanting people’s eyes on these. 

Why do I want them to read this?

This is the tough question, isn’t it? Again, wanting to feel seen and heard. Validation. Engagement? Potential conversations? I did feel really warm when a couple of people messaged me telling me how some of the stuff I shared resonated with them. That was a nice feeling. But I think when it happens organically, it’s better. Not sure whether this is true. Why does the value of their attention reduce if I ask them for it? Does it? Unsure whether I do feel this way or not. 

If I do want them to read this, what value can I give to them?

This is probably quite tough. I know a lot of amazing people have thought and written about this, so I’m sure I’m going to have to do some research on this one. Right now, I feel like the only people who’re probably going to want to read anything I’m expressing are mostly the people who I already know or have a relationship with – the people who want to get to know me. This is not true, though. I’ve had some strangers read some of the stuff I’ve written. And they’ve found that they were able to connect or resonate with some of it.

I think.. maybe honesty is the only value I can give to them, right now. I could want to educate people on topics that I care about, as well. I know for sure that there’s a big market for mental health education, LGBT dialog and education, specially in South Asian culture!
Pretty much every-time I’ve come out to someone about both mental health or sexuality, I’ve often received the same comment – something about how brave I am. Sometimes that bothers me (more on that in a separate post, someday), but mostly I think it comes from the fact that there’s 👏 not 👏 enough 👏 representation. 

I know I have some the tools one generally needs for this to work (this is based on feedback that I’ve sometimes received, but also things I feel about myself haha). That’s not to say one always needs all of these to exist, but I’m sure they’re good-to-haves.

  • Clarity 
  • Relatability 
  • Honesty + Vulnerability (albeit intentional) 
  • Empathy 
  • Passion, care, a personal interest (I’ve heard that this one generally matters the most)

What I would need, additionally

  • Feedback loops 
  • More experience, more of me being out there doing and feeling things again and again, can’t just keep exhausting what I already have, need to diversify with newness from time to time

Do I need to start thinking about the topics that I’m writing about?

Probably don’t need to worry about this, whatever comes naturally is probably the best thing to talk about. Can’t really afford to, at this point either. I can only see that hampering my pace. 

Some of the surface level thoughts and feelings are done, how do I be okay with diving in deeper?

This one’s quite tough as well. I think it’s the same thing again, the deeper I go, the more vulnerable I’ll have to be. But I think like before, the only way out is through. 

Anything else that comes up? 

One thing I don’t really enjoy is doing research. I often find myself getting lost when I try to look up what already exists about a certain topic. Sometimes I get discouraged because “so much” already exists about everything – who’s going to want to read “more” of it? I know we all have this unnecessary need to be original and unique. We forget that we are being unique, regardless of whether someone else has already talked about it. This is why I’ve mostly only written about personal thoughts and feelings so far, research gets daunting, it reduces the excitement. I might have to address this, I’ll probably have to think about what the motivators and benefits of (good?) research could be. Then I also think about how sometimes I’ve come across really amazing things (art, writings, concepts, projects) on the Internet which have often inspired me to do things. I guess always checking in with self could work. It’s going to have to be like any other process, anything can get daunting and tiring from time to time. Maybe I have a general clouded “negative” idea of research. Maybe if I did it with a fresh outlook, for things that I care about, and things I know that I care about, maybe it’ll be different? It’s possible. 

003 – work and the “corporate world”

I’ve been feeling terribly stressed at work. It’s been a few months, and I haven’t quit yet. Multiple reasons for it of course – the pandemic, lack of a plan, visa issues, the effort of team-switching, the fear and possibility of quitting but still feeling equally bad about life and of course, sunk-cost. 

As I contemplate, I of course think about what changed over the last (almost) 8 years. I’m pretty sure I never loved programming, but I never disliked it as much as I seem to be doing these days. I suppose I always saw programming as a means to an end and the ends aren’t exciting anymore. 

The ends at the time were “solving cool tech problems” and maybe a “successful career in tech”, or so I told myself. But they were also 

  • money, 
  • prestige, 
  • communal, societal and familial validation and 
  • this general, vague, weird idea of success. 

Well – I have those things now – so the external motivators are gone. Of course, I hope there was some sort of intrinsic motivator of wanting to be good at whatever I do, but it seems like that’s not enough (anymore). 

So, the pandemic really did bring a bunch of shit to the forefront.

There’s a part of me which wonders how I ended up here. Well, my upbringing, of course. I’m sure there’s people who knew they weren’t cut out for this. But I didn’t. And maybe I could have been. But I don’t feel it anymore. 

I spoke to my sister-in-law recently about all of this and as I started talking along the lines of “well I’m not sure, maybe I don’t need to derive joy out of my work?” and she, very strongly, disagreed. And I’ve been speaking to a few people about this, and I’ve received strong opinions on both sides of this, and I’m still very impressionable, so I keep swinging. (Side-rant about how kids can be so impressionable, how does one navigate the danger of imprinting a false belief in a child’s mind?)

But then I think about what else I could do instead. I’ve been playing around with the idea of writing and/or photography. Those are the two things I’ve enjoyed in the last few years as my hobbies. And I do really enjoy both the activities – of course I don’t know whether I can get paid for those or not, and I don’t know whether I have the skills to even consider those options (and here’s the funny part – i’m really scared of the answer to both of these questions being “no”). But the longer I don’t quit my current job, the longer I’m putting of really seeking the answers to these questions.

I have a few thoughts about writing. I finally started these word-vomits, just as a test to see whether I can even write. And the idea currently is that we concentrate on quantity, not quality. (Because we know that generally works). But what happens once that’s done? What happens once I do write a 100 word-vomits? I’m supposed to increase my goal. I think I’m already scared that I’m not going to want to go further. What if I’d done everything right, and still failed? What if I’d gotten that writing degree, and still failed? I guess it doesn’t matter.

People often say there is no end to introspection. If that’s the case, a 100 word-vomits should be pretty easy. If not, it’ll be cool to have gotten everything off my chest.

Just checked my word count on this. I’ve been noticing a pattern. I’m able to get to 500-600 words on pretty much anything that I care about, pretty easily. How do I get to a 1000 words though? At some point it might start feeling forced to the reader. But the whole point of this project is to not worry about the reader. I find that I’m worrying about the quality again. I guess this what they call practice? Maybe after a few of these, I’ll be able to get to 700-800 words more easily. Feeling a little bit of excitement about maybe reaching that point. But I worry – if it’s the same thing happening again. I have a goal in mind, I’m writing to get to that goal. What happens when (or if) I don’t care about that goal anymore? I suppose I have to give myself the freedom to set potentially meaningless goals, even if they don’t result in anything. That’s what’s hard about life. To come back to the present, again and again and again. It’s kind of a meditation, I suppose.

My word-count tool just told me that the reading level on this is “9th-10th grade”. Oops. Well, I should change my tool. I’m not looking for judgement yet. I only need to focus on quantity.

I find this “stream of consciousness” style of writing very interesting. I can’t think of anything else that can capture something in such a raw manner? I can’t imagine a self-portrait which captures someone clicking (or painting) that self-portrait.

I’m noticing how my mood can affect the structure of a word vomit as well. I have a couple of these that are super clear, logical and structured. And I have a couple which are pretty all over the place. Might just call them public journal entries. And maybe that’s okay, I don’t really want to think about whether these might benefit anyone else. I can just think about the benefits I might reap from these. Maybe I’ll feel interesting things at the end of a 100,000 words. Maybe I won’t.

But I am also enjoying how thinking about wanting to write a few more words does not stress me out. I am just observing. And it’s easy to observe, it’s an inbuilt ability in humans, I believe. I am an ornithologist and my thoughts are like migratory seagulls. I am a scientist and my sinking heart is Newton’s falling apple. Five. Four. Three. Two. One. Zero. 

001 – all creative work is vulnerable

I’m stuck in a new place. I’ve 5 word-vomits sitting in my notes app, I’ve set up a WordPress website and everything, I’ve tried making one post public and hidden it again. Just five days ago I was super excited to write quickly and publish quickly, and get to ten published posts as quickly as possible. But today I feel like it’s a hard act, I’m feeling hesitant. I’m feeling hesitant about being vulnerable. Not about the writing per se, since we’ve established that we don’t need to worry about the quality, but about the content. It’s real, it’s raw. 

I first saw the words “all art is vulnerable” on one of Timothy Goodman’s posts, and it resonates a lot from time to time. And while I’m not at the stage where I can call these word-vomits art (hence the title), the feeling’s still the same, of course. And since I’ve taken up this project at a time where most of my “battles” have reached their brim, of course all of my writing is going to be about all of it. At present, there’s three big rocks in my life that are not fully resolved and sometimes (often) cause me a lot of shame and pain. They’re 1/ my body dysmorphia, anxiety and occasional depression, 2/ my sexuality 3/ my relationship with my work. I’m also aware that they might never feel fully resolved and that’s okay too. But of course they’re going to show up if I talk to anyone honestly. And of course I’m going to be honest in a word-vomit, how can I not be? 

So I guess I need to accept that the only way I can write, write, and write, is to accept the following few things

  • These three things are a big part of me 
  • These things do cause me some shame and hence I’m a little afraid to put them out into the world 
  • There’s things that people will think (if they read this) and opinions that they will form 
  • There’s a big part of me that worries about what they’ll think and what opinions they’ll form 
  • The only way out is through 

Well, there it is. Maybe it’ll be easier now. A lot of amazing people have said a lot of amazing things about vulnerability. It was slightly over a year ago when I’d first seen Brené Brown’s – A Call to Courage. This was the first time someone had made me think about life from the lens of vulnerability. Nobody had ever explained the word better than she had done it, or at least – nobody had ever talked about it the way she had. And I knew then that that’s all there is to life. Vulnerability and connection. So, I know, that it’s okay that I’m feeling this, and that maybe I’ll continue to feel this all the time. Yet, it’s hard. So I’d love to think about, in a little detail, what I hope to achieve by being vulnerable with these word-vomits. Why should I publish these? In the best case scenario, what do I get? In the worst case scenario, how do I cope and continue doing it anyway – if I need to? 

I do have some experience with being vulnerable on the internet, so I’ll probably consider that as well.

How have I been vulnerable in the past and how have I benefited from it?

  • I started posting “artsy” pictures on Instagram a few years ago. I think I’ve developed as a “photographer”. I started from super basic stuff, really really basic phone camera stuff. Got a good amount of validation from various kinds of people – people whose skills I admired, people whose tastes I admired. Unexpected, genuine compliments. Great conversations. Confidence. Development of skills. Development of taste. Stronger connections with some of these people.
  • Then, I started posting some music stuff a couple years ago as well. This one was actually harder since it was much more vulnerable, since I’d had negative feelings about my voice in the past. I also posted videos, which was very hard too since I’d had negative feelings about my ~aesthetic~ in the past as well. Regardless, a similar thing happened. The compliments and validation made me genuinely wonder and eventually believe that I’m not “as bad” as I’d thought I was. I ended up starting singing lessons. I got better. I started owning the fact that I like to play music / sing. I even started dreaming about composing music someday.
  • Lastly, I joined twitter and started posting about my body dysmorphia and anxiety. Again, terribly hard when I started. Got a ton of engagement on all of that “content”. But so much to be grateful for! I remember it being super scary when more and more IRL friends started following me. But it opened the door for amazing IRL conversations as well. I realized I like conversations. I realized I like meeting and talking to new people! (Something I’d never thought about myself before.) I met new people through Twitter – it was pretty cool.

I mean, it’s all here. It’s all good things. So let’s get to the next question. 

What do I hope to achieve from this project? 

  • For starters, it’ll probably be a good additional point for the next time I’m questioning something like this again. Instead of 3 points in the previous paragraph, I’ll have 4.
  • Just based on evidence, I’ll probably be a slightly better writer at some point of time if I keep doing this. Or at least, my perspective on my writing could become more holistic. I could become okay with calling it writing instead of constantly calling them word-vomits.
  • @visakanv mentioned this in his reasons for doing this, but yes, I’ll probably be a different person by doing this, and doing it publicly. And I’m excited to meet her!
  • Of course, I could make some new friends because of this, have new and/or deeper conversations. Good ol’ connection. 

In the worst-case scenario, what happens, and how do I cope, and go on if I need to?

  • People will know of details about me that they decide they didn’t really wanna know. I suppose they wouldn’t tell me if they realize something like that. So I wouldn’t really know that they thought something like that. Even if they say something like “oh you’re being too vulnerable”.. well, what is too vulnerable? It’s me. Of course I could be judged for these parts of me, but that’s probably a small price to pay for all of those benefits I listed above. So I’m sure I’ll cope.
  • I mean that’s all there generally is, right? Fear of judgement. The one that I feel most vulnerable about is my sadness. I don’t know. There’s this one word-vomit that’s super raw, reading it makes me feel a lot of pain. Now, I’m not assuming that a third person will feel it just because I do. But maybe I’m scared of the feelings of pity. Nobody wants to be pitied. Well, compassion is different from pity. So maybe people will know how to be compassionate instead. Regardless, I wouldn’t know. Or I probably wouldn’t care in the grand scheme of things etc. So I guess I’ll cope? I guess we’ll see. 

Okay, things make sense now. I’m not sure in what order I’ll start posting these. In the order I wrote them or in some other order.  But I think I’m ready.