music-journey – untitled atm

108b – december blues

Sunbathing on a winter afternoon feels really great. I’m grateful for the fact that I’m up and about while there’s still some sunlight. Chilled for a couple hours but then the sunset came around very soon. Everything felt quite gloomy and then I didn’t feel like doing anything.. decided to take a shower though and now I feel kind of better. Have decided to sit down diligently for a couple hours and try to do a work session. Not sure what I’ll end up doing but let’s see.

Dreading a doctor’s appointment tomorrow because I haven’t done the required work I was asked to do for the thing I’m seeing him for, but he’s a bit teacher-like in his admonishments when I don’t do said thing. I postponed the appointment for a month since I was worried of what I’d have to hear if and when I finally go to him. I suppose I should tell him how his words affect me and if he can find a gentler way to tell me whatever he wants to tell me.

Got a couple weddings coming up and honestly I simply hate shopping for wedding clothes. It’s just so much effort. Though I’m glad my friend said the dress code isn’t strictly enforced, it’s still a lot. I think another couple years and then I’m just going to stop going to weddings lol. It’s just absolutely not my thing.

I doubt I can get any work done this December, I think I should just give up trying to. I have my last production class coming Monday, excited to end this for now. I need a break from production work and I’d love to get back into it once I get some fresh ideas and a proper break from it.

Things are alright otherwise, I suppose. Trying to strengthen foundational piano skills these days, somehow enjoying it too. Also heard some heartening words from some musicians I met yesterday— I was telling them about how I’m struggling with what to focus on, and they told me it’s pretty okay to take the time to explore and how it’s only when you explore everything as much as you want (multiple instruments and vocals in this case), can you be really sure of what you pick. It was just nice to have someone reiterate that opinion, instead of the regular societal “quickly find the thing you need to focus on” thing.

My eyes hurt a lot so I probably need to get better glasses— the ones that block out blue light etc. Anyway, I’m going to work on making some todo lists for December, I think that’s the part that is making me feel quite anxious, ie feeling like I have way too much on my plate.

Happy December, folx!

108a – questions, questions

Had a lowkey depressing week. Finally stepped out and grabbed coffee with a friend and that feels like a game changer. Good friendships are so important, they can remind us that we’re not completely worthless. A good friend feels like a portal to the world— the world that’s sometimes too scary to look at without that portal.

The main reason I’ve been low is because of some hurdles in my creative process. I was diving full on into music production and it was really fun too, until I realised I wasn’t quite happy with what I’d made. And of course, that’s part of the process, but I was hit with all sorts of realisations. Some of them being:

I have, subconsciously, been a bit impatient about wanting results. I put some deadlines on myself— the deadlines are good to get work done— but I need to remember the deadlines are arbitrary. If I’m not happy with something, that’s okay, I can take my time to figure out what I want, instead.

Okay that’s actually just one primary realisation. But secondly, I feel like my inner critic is just quite loud these days. The feeling of not being good enough for the things I want to do.. stops me from doing anything at all. I suppose our inner critic is one of the biggest threats to our creativity.

Anyway, enough of this self-wallowing self-pity type sentiments. I really want to do something fun. I’ll figure out what after I write this word-vomit.

What’s something fun I can do that’s not motivated by results or external factors? I don’t know, actually. I’ve been spending so much time with “music” so that doesn’t feel like it would be fun today. I need a change, I need something different. This word-vomit helps, of course.. but it’s not enough. I’m really enjoying playing an MMO game called Travian these days, but that’s not enough either. I guess it’s safe to say I’m a little lonely too, since Y is away at her place.

I don’t know, I’m also feeling quite restless. Not sure what it is. Maybe I’m hungry. Ugh, the human body is quite a pain to maintain.

I suppose there are things I can do with my time, even though maybe part of me doesn’t feel like doing them. There are people I need to text back, there are todo lists to make, there is digital organisation to be done.. but perhaps those tasks don’t feel tempting enough.

Well, I did some singing and that felt nice, even though my vocal cords have been fried lately.. due to various reasons. Hopefully tomorrow will be a bit better.

Something I’m struggling with “in music” is whether to focus more on improving my singing or my instrumental skills. Not very sure about this, hopefully time will give me the answers, but it hasn’t so far, so.. I don’t really know.

Anyway— questions, questions. Always, so many open questions.

Hope y’all had a lovely November! xx

107b – reflections (i am decently happy with my life)

I suppose I’m happy— even content— with life lately. There is something precious about solving life problems in your own way and at your own pace. I’ve been stuck with work stuff over the last couple months and although it was weighing pretty heavily on me, today feels different. Of course, in therapy yesterday, we discovered that I do need more structure and discipline to get on with the things that I want to get on with.

That is, I have a sufficient amount of freedom, but perhaps enjoying it would require me to work towards sustaining it. I’ve been worried, but only today I what it’s been about— I like my life so much that I don’t want it to change too much. I don’t want to go back to a 9-5. I don’t want to go back to coding for a living, not yet.

I’d prefer to continue to grow as a musician and a writer. Yes, that’s what I really want. And of course, I want that to continue, I’ll need to think about the financials of it all. But perhaps the way to do it is not— like I thought— to find part-time work right away, but to complete the things that I think I need to complete— before I can accept that I absolutely need to focus on the financials.

I’ve been struggling with sleep too but the last two days have been better. I’m up before sunrise today, but somewhat rested, and that’s progress too. Sleep has been a major issue for the majority of my life, but this time the “problematic phase” came after a much longer stable phase. I suppose, that’s progress too.

I turned 29 a few months ago and I don’t know if I got much time to reflect on it all. I feel the age, I do. There are aches in my body that persist for much longer than they probably should, without any real cause. But there is also a stability to my nervous system that I haven’t experienced for so long before. Of course, there are probably other factors involved in both of these things, but I think part of it is related to age. I don’t feel old though— I feel younger than I felt at, say, 26.

Anyway, reflections are fun, though my inner critic says it’s probably another way for me to procrastinate on the things I must be doing instead. But to my inner critic, I’ll say: my days generally go better when I begin them with some kind of writing, so that’s what I’m trying to manifest. A decent day.

As I think about ending this, worries start to pop up again. But I don’t want to get on that thought-train. I want to stay here. Here, in this reflective space. I suppose making a task list for the day would help. Yeah, so that’s what I’m going to go and work on, next.

106b – updates from nov events + music journey

Finally done with a big thing for November. Had a concert organised by the music school I go to— and though earlier it came with its fair share of bureaucratic icks— all in all, it ended up being pretty great. Thoroughly loved being on stage and participating in different songs with several instruments and vocals. I definitely felt significant anxiety before reaching the event venue and did question whether any of it is worth the anxiety— but the verdict is: yes, it is.

Was also doing a writing challenge thing which got done yesterday— we’re supposed to publish a poetry collection at the end of it, but I’m not very sure if I’ll end up doing that. Of course I’m happy that I wrote some new poems, and I’m kind of happy with everything I put together too, but not super happy with the cover, designs etc, so a bit unsure of whether I want to be putting this out. Let’s see.

I do feel a bit empty, like even though I don’t have a lot of creative energy this week, other things/tasks don’t really feel very exciting. [1] So, turns out the concert was something I was really looking forward to, and the practice sessions for it were something I liked filling my time with. This is worth noting. I think I would enjoy teaching music. It’s probably a good way to stay connected with something I like while also getting to help other people. But I probably need to grow my skillset a lot before I can do that. Not sure how to go about it, if at all.

I think I may want to go ahead and buy a drum-kit. I don’t know how to justify this purchase to myself, and obviously I can’t do it until the next year (since I’m thinking of moving, Q1 next year), but I think once I do move I’m going to go ahead and get one. I do want to fill my time with something I enjoy.

[1] That said, I did get back into songwriting a bit today and that feels fun! I do enjoy making up melodies and writing lyrics to them.

I’m supposed to begin an internship of sorts this month but I’m not quite looking forward to it anymore. Part of me feels like I should just do it— well, catching myself using the word “should”, so.. perhaps I don’t really want to do it. I’ll wait a day or two for the person to respond to me, and if they don’t I suppose I can just back out of it. I’ll let the universe decide this for me. (That’s scary, but I think that’s the only way for now since I don’t really have a strong opinion here).

Anyway.. that’s it for now I think. Happy November, folks! xx