Personal – untitled atm

110b – back home

Welp. Back from an exhausting trip to Goa. Being away from home for 10 days can be a lot for me and it’s been a while since I’ve done that, though this time I didn’t feel that intense longing for home I generally do on the 7th or 8th day. So I suppose that’s pretty cool. I practiced riding a 2-wheeler— something I’ve been wanting to do since AGES. It was also fun to see how comfortable I’m sharing space with Y for a significantly long period of time (10 days is a lot for the both of us!), and I think it was quite decent!

I did get sick in the middle for around two days (had to get a rabies shot since a young doggo (accidentally) bit me and the shot causes fever as a side-effect), and since we were living in a bit of a “foresty” area, we even spotted a langur on one of the afternoons. “Spotted” is an understatement actually, it came into our balcony while we were in the living room— luckily, we saw it in time and managed to close the balcony door before it could come inside. So, in terms of “wildlife” the trip was lowkey adventurous lol. But apart from that things were mostly good!

This trip was also supposed to be a test trip because we’ve been considering moving to Goa in a couple months. Wrt that, I do have certain concerns: the weather (it was VERY humid and I imagine the monsoons won’t be easy either), safety (we definitely didn’t feel very safe walking out at night post 10pm), healthcare and other emergencies (there were no hospitals within a 3km radius of where we were staying, and even if there was one— you’re completely reliant on your own vehicle to get to a place).. yeah I suppose that’s it.

Overall though, we did enjoy our time quite a lot and 10 days went by pretty easily. I do love the relaxed atmosphere and culture of the place, people are mostly quite nice and friendly, and the living expenses would be lesser than that of a city like, say, Delhi or Bangalore. So, yeah, I suppose we’ll see.

I’m glad to be back, in some ways, but both Y and I are feeling very exhausted since our flight yesterday was delayed by 4 hours and we only got home around 4am. If 10 days away from home weren’t enough, that’ll do it.

Overall, not feeling too inclined to “do” too much, I think I’m back to my “let’s just make time for people and experiences” phase for a bit, I’m not sure if I have the energy and motivation to do things (creative or otherwise).

So yeah I suppose I’ll just rest and recover over the weekend and then see how to structure the coming week. Don’t really have a ton of time to settle into anything here though, since I’m traveling again from 13-23rd. So we’ll see we’ll see. Anyway, that’s it from me really I think.

Happy March, folks! xx

110a – unhappy with the world

It’s only ten days into February but already a lot seems to have happened. Y and I celebrated a year of being together and that was super fun. We both ended up making a lot of hand-made gifts etc so it was really nice to be involved with all that for a few whole days. On 4th though we ended up consuming a very high dosage of cbd/thc edibles which led to an incredibly terrible experience, albeit a major learning one.

I just realised yesterday that it’s such a privilege to have even a few people who read this regularly. I was thinking about a friend of mine who genuinely reads most of my posts and it feels so nice to be seen and known. I feel like if I talk about a thing ten times it also makes it so clear to the people I know how I really feel about said thing. I suppose it can be hard to remember sometimes but this blog helps really drive some points home.

Ooh, I finally decided to go ahead and book the damn flights to the US. Despite the dread, I am super excited to see my sis and my nephew! I’ll plan ahead a bit this time and attempt to make the flights more bearable, but let’s see.

I’ve been playing a lot of Colonist lately (again) but it seems like I may have lost my edge— I’m losing a lot, lol.

I’d like to get back to work sometime soon, the financial anxiety keeps eating at me. But I’m not a 100% sure if I’m like desperate enough to do “anything” or whether I still have preferences about what kind of work I want to do. I think, the latter.. but then the financial anxiety eats at me too.

It feels like everyone who’s in tech just wants to do AI related things, and I feel like I just can’t get myself to be onboard with it. Everything about AI related tools and hacks and solutions goes against the core of what I like— ie enjoying the process, enjoying the micro-work. How are people enjoying this? What is this all about? I don’t get it. Why is productivity and efficiency and optimisation the goal? I mean I get it, I kind of do, of course if you’re a business you’d want to increase efficiency and optimisation, but ugh.. I don’t “really” get it. I suppose I just don’t vibe with capitalism anymore. (Or late stage capitalism, as some people have told me, which is the version of capitalism that has completely ruined some of our lives).

There’s very few companies that I can actually see myself working for, everything else is just something I can’t get onboard with, yet. I hate the idea of “marketing myself”, I absolutely hate it. Perhaps this means that I should focus on skill building so that eventually I can start something of my own. If it’s mine, I can run it the way I want, and perhaps I’ll even see the benefits of AI, then.

Sorry, this got quite venty, though I’m pleased, because sometimes I don’t vent enough because there’s a part of me that feels the urge to do “research” before I vent. But then that stops me from expressing any thoughts and opinions at all. So, yeah. There it is: I detest late-stage capitalism, the current job market and more than everything else, I detest what AI seems to be doing to the world.

Hope y’all are well, xx

109b – hello, 2025

A lot of things feel futile lately. Well, primarily, doing this. I don’t know what’s happening exactly, but a part of me feels like thinking about things is a bit.. meh.

What does feel not-futile, then? Spending time with people I love, for one. That feels worthwhile.

As I write, though, I’m suddenly remembering why this used to feel important. It used to be (and probably still is) important because it allows me to process everything faster. And the faster I process things, the more time I have for the things that actually matter— like the people I love.

I finally got around to making some calls and replying to texts that had been on my backlog for a while. It felt quite nice. I like it when friends show up for the hard conversations, even if they don’t always show up perfectly.

A lot of things feel futile though, like planning for stuff. I have to move at the end of this quarter but we’re “testing” the place first by traveling there for a bit, so it feels futile to plan anything beyond that. It’s scary, I’m not going to lie. I don’t like planning anyway but my anxiety always wants me to plan ahead. What I’m learning is that you can plan and plan but there’s always going to be things that fall through the cracks. It’s always a tough battle to balance planning the big things and taking it easy on the smaller ones or the other way round.

Anyway, my head hurts a bit these days even though I don’t think I’m doing too much screen time. I might need an eye check-up.

My sister’s had a baby a month ago and I feel major FOMO for not being able to see him. I wrote a whole blog post about it which I haven’t gotten around to posting.. for various reasons. But that’s not what this is about. I really want to see him! But I detest those long inter-continental flights. So I’m stuck in this major indecision paralysis and I feel like that’s been weighing quite heavily on me. When I was a kid, my friends and I used to regularly wish for teleportation machines because we didn’t have as much agency to travel whenever we’d feel like it. Now.. it feels like we have the agency, but it’s still not very easy to exercise it. So here I am, wishing for the goddamn teleportation machine.

I’ve been quite stagnant on work stuff, I feel like I just don’t have the emotional bandwidth for anything work-related lately. I’m tired, I really am. How the fuck does one prioritise the things that really need to get done? Job search is quite intimidating. I suppose I need to break it down into smaller tasks and goals.

It’s very interesting that my previous post was a lot about the same stuff that I’m complaining about right now— I suppose it makes sense that I’m feeling so blocked.

But January is over so I must set some intentions for February. Time keeps flying by, otherwise.

Happy 2025, folks!

109a – december blues (contd)

Crazy couple of weeks. I have a nephew now! Feels pretty surreal, I suppose it won’t really sink in until I go meet him. Attended a couple of weddings, met a lot of people. Did realise (or re-realise) that I weddings are a lot for me, mentally and emotionally, and yeah, like I’ve mentioned before, seriously reconsidering how much more of this I can continue to do on a yearly basis.

The next few days are pretty busy, socially, still, and that’s okay. Perhaps I’m even looking forward to continue to meet friends and spend time with them.

I do miss my sister and kind of want to visit her in Jan/Feb, but I really absolutely detest the longass flight, so I suppose we’ll see.

January is really going to be about planning moving. It’s a bit stressful but honestly definitely looking forward to moving out of Delhi. It’s become a lot. Plus a change of scenery would really be nice.

I have an updated opinion on road-trips— I used to think they’re pretty exhausting and stressful, but I’ve realised that opinion was formed primarily because I used to mostly travel with family, and their opinions and energy would affect me a lot. Traveling with friends (or basically people you feel safe with) is quite different and as long my agency is not super-compromised, road-trips can be fun too.

Lots of stuff to process still, but I’m finding myself unable to write freely. I don’t know what it is exactly. Expression seems somewhat pointless these days. I think AI everywhere has got me a bit bummed about everything. I realised that people around me have integrated AI tools heavily into their lives, and I don’t know why that makes me so uneasy. Am I going to become one of those old boomers who’re always on about the perils of technology and get “left behind”? Is there value to my feelings of resistance or is it just change of any sort that I’m fearing? I’m not sure, I also don’t know where to begin introspection on this topic.

So much to do and yet such little motivation to do those things. I’m also not sure what my social values are— I find myself losing some connections and although part of me is okay with it, there is also a part of me which wonders if I’ll regret this later.. not very sure.

December is weird, that’s for sure. Anyway, I should probably just figure dinner and then get on with the day, whatever’s left of it.

Cheers, folks xx

108b – december blues

Sunbathing on a winter afternoon feels really great. I’m grateful for the fact that I’m up and about while there’s still some sunlight. Chilled for a couple hours but then the sunset came around very soon. Everything felt quite gloomy and then I didn’t feel like doing anything.. decided to take a shower though and now I feel kind of better. Have decided to sit down diligently for a couple hours and try to do a work session. Not sure what I’ll end up doing but let’s see.

Dreading a doctor’s appointment tomorrow because I haven’t done the required work I was asked to do for the thing I’m seeing him for, but he’s a bit teacher-like in his admonishments when I don’t do said thing. I postponed the appointment for a month since I was worried of what I’d have to hear if and when I finally go to him. I suppose I should tell him how his words affect me and if he can find a gentler way to tell me whatever he wants to tell me.

Got a couple weddings coming up and honestly I simply hate shopping for wedding clothes. It’s just so much effort. Though I’m glad my friend said the dress code isn’t strictly enforced, it’s still a lot. I think another couple years and then I’m just going to stop going to weddings lol. It’s just absolutely not my thing.

I doubt I can get any work done this December, I think I should just give up trying to. I have my last production class coming Monday, excited to end this for now. I need a break from production work and I’d love to get back into it once I get some fresh ideas and a proper break from it.

Things are alright otherwise, I suppose. Trying to strengthen foundational piano skills these days, somehow enjoying it too. Also heard some heartening words from some musicians I met yesterday— I was telling them about how I’m struggling with what to focus on, and they told me it’s pretty okay to take the time to explore and how it’s only when you explore everything as much as you want (multiple instruments and vocals in this case), can you be really sure of what you pick. It was just nice to have someone reiterate that opinion, instead of the regular societal “quickly find the thing you need to focus on” thing.

My eyes hurt a lot so I probably need to get better glasses— the ones that block out blue light etc. Anyway, I’m going to work on making some todo lists for December, I think that’s the part that is making me feel quite anxious, ie feeling like I have way too much on my plate.

Happy December, folx!

108a – questions, questions

Had a lowkey depressing week. Finally stepped out and grabbed coffee with a friend and that feels like a game changer. Good friendships are so important, they can remind us that we’re not completely worthless. A good friend feels like a portal to the world— the world that’s sometimes too scary to look at without that portal.

The main reason I’ve been low is because of some hurdles in my creative process. I was diving full on into music production and it was really fun too, until I realised I wasn’t quite happy with what I’d made. And of course, that’s part of the process, but I was hit with all sorts of realisations. Some of them being:

I have, subconsciously, been a bit impatient about wanting results. I put some deadlines on myself— the deadlines are good to get work done— but I need to remember the deadlines are arbitrary. If I’m not happy with something, that’s okay, I can take my time to figure out what I want, instead.

Okay that’s actually just one primary realisation. But secondly, I feel like my inner critic is just quite loud these days. The feeling of not being good enough for the things I want to do.. stops me from doing anything at all. I suppose our inner critic is one of the biggest threats to our creativity.

Anyway, enough of this self-wallowing self-pity type sentiments. I really want to do something fun. I’ll figure out what after I write this word-vomit.

What’s something fun I can do that’s not motivated by results or external factors? I don’t know, actually. I’ve been spending so much time with “music” so that doesn’t feel like it would be fun today. I need a change, I need something different. This word-vomit helps, of course.. but it’s not enough. I’m really enjoying playing an MMO game called Travian these days, but that’s not enough either. I guess it’s safe to say I’m a little lonely too, since Y is away at her place.

I don’t know, I’m also feeling quite restless. Not sure what it is. Maybe I’m hungry. Ugh, the human body is quite a pain to maintain.

I suppose there are things I can do with my time, even though maybe part of me doesn’t feel like doing them. There are people I need to text back, there are todo lists to make, there is digital organisation to be done.. but perhaps those tasks don’t feel tempting enough.

Well, I did some singing and that felt nice, even though my vocal cords have been fried lately.. due to various reasons. Hopefully tomorrow will be a bit better.

Something I’m struggling with “in music” is whether to focus more on improving my singing or my instrumental skills. Not very sure about this, hopefully time will give me the answers, but it hasn’t so far, so.. I don’t really know.

Anyway— questions, questions. Always, so many open questions.

Hope y’all had a lovely November! xx

107b – reflections (i am decently happy with my life)

I suppose I’m happy— even content— with life lately. There is something precious about solving life problems in your own way and at your own pace. I’ve been stuck with work stuff over the last couple months and although it was weighing pretty heavily on me, today feels different. Of course, in therapy yesterday, we discovered that I do need more structure and discipline to get on with the things that I want to get on with.

That is, I have a sufficient amount of freedom, but perhaps enjoying it would require me to work towards sustaining it. I’ve been worried, but only today I what it’s been about— I like my life so much that I don’t want it to change too much. I don’t want to go back to a 9-5. I don’t want to go back to coding for a living, not yet.

I’d prefer to continue to grow as a musician and a writer. Yes, that’s what I really want. And of course, I want that to continue, I’ll need to think about the financials of it all. But perhaps the way to do it is not— like I thought— to find part-time work right away, but to complete the things that I think I need to complete— before I can accept that I absolutely need to focus on the financials.

I’ve been struggling with sleep too but the last two days have been better. I’m up before sunrise today, but somewhat rested, and that’s progress too. Sleep has been a major issue for the majority of my life, but this time the “problematic phase” came after a much longer stable phase. I suppose, that’s progress too.

I turned 29 a few months ago and I don’t know if I got much time to reflect on it all. I feel the age, I do. There are aches in my body that persist for much longer than they probably should, without any real cause. But there is also a stability to my nervous system that I haven’t experienced for so long before. Of course, there are probably other factors involved in both of these things, but I think part of it is related to age. I don’t feel old though— I feel younger than I felt at, say, 26.

Anyway, reflections are fun, though my inner critic says it’s probably another way for me to procrastinate on the things I must be doing instead. But to my inner critic, I’ll say: my days generally go better when I begin them with some kind of writing, so that’s what I’m trying to manifest. A decent day.

As I think about ending this, worries start to pop up again. But I don’t want to get on that thought-train. I want to stay here. Here, in this reflective space. I suppose making a task list for the day would help. Yeah, so that’s what I’m going to go and work on, next.

107a – do whatever you want

Went back on a commitment today. It feels quite terrible, my inner critic makes me feel like I’ve committed a crime, almost. I thought about it a lot, but I do have my reasons. I’m just not feeling it. I remember feeling the same way when the context has been that of romantic relationships. I remember going on two, three dates with someone and then wanting an out— it used to feel shitty as fuck. God forbid if it were more than three dates.

Why does changing my mind make me feel so shitty? Or, even if it’s somewhat shitty in a romantic context, it’s not as shitty in a professional context, is it? I want to believe that it’s okay to do this as long as I communicate well with the other party. And I am— I’m doing that.. and yet?

I guess there’s some aspect of FOMO and the idea of “burning bridges” involved. Like the idea that if you let an opportunity go by, it’ll come back to bite you. And maybe that’s true.. but how can I do something that I just don’t feel like doing? Not until I have to, not until it’s survival mode, I guess.

There are other things that I want to do. I want to focus on them. I want to remind myself that I can do decent work when my heart is in it. Like this word-vomit, for example. I feel really attuned to myself when I write and when I own up to my feelings.

The shitty of going back on a commitment is nothing compared to the sad I feel when I allow a “should” to walk over me. The should of “grabbing opportunities”, the should of “paying my dues”, the should of “work and productivity”, the should of “let’s just get out there”, the should of “I’m wasting my time otherwise” etc etc.

I’ve done (and completed) other things despite anxiety and resistance, so I cannot allow my inner critic to tell me that I don’t do anything.

Well, I guess this is it. Have to feel the regret and remorse of actions and feelings. Have to come back to myself, repeatedly, regardless of how tough it feels in the moment. Hopefully, tomorrow I’ll be happy that I did this. Tomorrow I’ll be happy that I have my day to myself.

What am I going to do now? I’m going to make some plans for tomorrow and the week onwards, and then I’ll figure out dinner.

Anyway, that’s it. Hope you’re having a better day than I am, folks! xx

106b – updates from nov events + music journey

Finally done with a big thing for November. Had a concert organised by the music school I go to— and though earlier it came with its fair share of bureaucratic icks— all in all, it ended up being pretty great. Thoroughly loved being on stage and participating in different songs with several instruments and vocals. I definitely felt significant anxiety before reaching the event venue and did question whether any of it is worth the anxiety— but the verdict is: yes, it is.

Was also doing a writing challenge thing which got done yesterday— we’re supposed to publish a poetry collection at the end of it, but I’m not very sure if I’ll end up doing that. Of course I’m happy that I wrote some new poems, and I’m kind of happy with everything I put together too, but not super happy with the cover, designs etc, so a bit unsure of whether I want to be putting this out. Let’s see.

I do feel a bit empty, like even though I don’t have a lot of creative energy this week, other things/tasks don’t really feel very exciting. [1] So, turns out the concert was something I was really looking forward to, and the practice sessions for it were something I liked filling my time with. This is worth noting. I think I would enjoy teaching music. It’s probably a good way to stay connected with something I like while also getting to help other people. But I probably need to grow my skillset a lot before I can do that. Not sure how to go about it, if at all.

I think I may want to go ahead and buy a drum-kit. I don’t know how to justify this purchase to myself, and obviously I can’t do it until the next year (since I’m thinking of moving, Q1 next year), but I think once I do move I’m going to go ahead and get one. I do want to fill my time with something I enjoy.

[1] That said, I did get back into songwriting a bit today and that feels fun! I do enjoy making up melodies and writing lyrics to them.

I’m supposed to begin an internship of sorts this month but I’m not quite looking forward to it anymore. Part of me feels like I should just do it— well, catching myself using the word “should”, so.. perhaps I don’t really want to do it. I’ll wait a day or two for the person to respond to me, and if they don’t I suppose I can just back out of it. I’ll let the universe decide this for me. (That’s scary, but I think that’s the only way for now since I don’t really have a strong opinion here).

Anyway.. that’s it for now I think. Happy November, folks! xx

106a – values exploration (pt 2)

I haven’t written much in a while. I’m unable to complete essays, unable to begin poems and I just don’t seem to have enough material for word-vomits. Of course, from past experience— and I’ve said this multiple times before— I know that it’s rarely the case that one doesn’t have enough to write about. It’s generally just that the stuff that’s going on is something perhaps one doesn’t feel open enough to share, or doesn’t want to share, for various reasons.

But I promised myself early on that to the extent possible, I would write in public. Of course, I need to be considerate of other people. This is coming from the fact that something I wrote a few weeks ago caused some conflict in a relationship of mine. To be precise, the conflict wasn’t really about me writing about it, so much as it was about me thinking certain things at all. And all that is fair. We’ve moved on from it (it’s not completely resolved), but to the extent possible— it’s not an active problem.

But that did awaken the “I need to be considerate about people who may end up reading these” thought in me.

I find myself in conflict with a few people lately. Some personal, some professional. I believe that’s because the more time I’ve spent “just” by myself or just with a few people, I’ve gotten a stronger sense of my values, beliefs and boundaries. Of course, nobody wants to live on an island, and if I lose too many important relationships, I would really have to question whether it’s me that’s the problem (ie do I need to adjust more, accommodate more and be more tolerant of certain things), or is it okay to lose relationships that don’t serve me anymore.. and I’m willing to face this question, but currently I think I stand with the former explanation— that is, I don’t want to be “tolerant” if it comes at the cost of some amount of self-abandonment.

A lot of people say that people’s core values cannot be changed. So when you are deciding whether to continue a relationship with someone, you really need to trust what their values are telling you. But I don’t think that’s necessarily true, I do think one can get “more in touch” with certain values with time and different life situations. For example, I didn’t really know how much I cared about freedom until even a couple years ago. It’s only this year that I’ve experienced freedom to a much larger extent than ever before and that’s taught me that I really value it!

(This newfound value for freedom is also urging me to explore and learn about various economic models (and the politics around them) and I’m finally getting started with something I’ve been wanting to do for a couple years now— ie forming an opinion on where I stand wrt capitalism etc. More on this later though!)

Anyway, I looked up the post from when I did a values exercise last year (sidenote: it’s nice to see that’s almost exactly a year ago from now. Something subconscious, it feels like). I found that freedom isn’t in my top-5. It’s not exactly up there in my top-10 either but there’s choice, which I’d say is synonymous for me. I’m going to go ahead and put freedom at 6, just for my current explorations of what I really care about. So here’s my updated list:

Authenticity (This is the only one I’m a 100% confident about)
Gratitude
Kindness / Love
Health
Learning
Freedom / Choice

I’m not getting around to making a point actually. Here’s what I’d recap with:

I’m questioning my core values, but that’s okay, I have a working understanding of them
I’m realising that it’s not true that people’s core values don’t change over time (they may not “change” per se but I do think it’s possible there’s some fluidity there)
I’m questioning why there’s an increased amount of conflict in my life lately, do I need to introspect or is it just a direct result of me getting more clarity about what I care about

Yeah, I suppose that’s it, really.

Happy October, folks xx