Personal – Page 12 – untitled atm

044a – jetlag, first impressions

Jetlag is real. And not great. I thought I finally beat it earlier but I guess not. I’m up at 4am, though I did catch around 5 hours of sleep, I wish I’d been able to sleep a little longer. I don’t know whether it was my brain or the rest of my body that woke me up today, but I’m not going to think too much about it. I have a relatively early morning thing anyway, so maybe I’ll just stay up for the rest of the day.

The week is slowly coming towards an end, and it’s been quite interesting, to say the least. The last week was probably one of the hardest weeks of my life. Moving was quite.. a lot. Both logistically and emotionally. And of course, it was followed by many “Oh god what have I done”s for almost two days after I’d landed here in Delhi. Surprisingly, talking to mom helped the most. I hadn’t really been able to lean on her for any emotional support over the last couple months, so that was a nice surprise.

Anyway, there’s a lot of good things to note. I’m realising the “break” part of things (ie the freedom from work) does feel good. I’m also realising I don’t really lack motivation or energy, just focus (ie big picture stuff) essentially. I’m decent at focusing on “an activity” for a few hours when I’m doing it.

Something I don’t enjoy at all is texting. For example, I really need to make new friends, talk to more people to collaborate with them, but ugh I hate the texting part, maybe I can (should) ask them to switch to calls instead.

I’m definitely afraid of the logistical things here. I don’t know whether I’ll be able to learn to drive here or not, I went for practice with my sis today and it was okay, doable, but I don’t know if I can do it alone. It’s quite tough. But I want the option. I want the ability. Let’s see.

Overall though, it’s nice to be among family and friends. Something I missed while living in Amsterdam was getting to hang with kids. (I had some family in San Francisco so I was still getting some quality time with my nieces, which was nice) but in Amsterdam this was completely missing. My sister and I went to meet a family friend of ours today and they have a 10-year-old son, and it was really nice to talk to him for a bit! He’s super sharp and really interesting to talk to.

I’m going for a backstreet boys concert tonight, lol. I’ve literally only heard two songs of theirs, so we’ll see how that goes.

043a – body dysmorphia ft. other feelings

I’m tired. Tired of living in my head. And yet, coming back to the present is so tedious. I don’t know why though. I don’t know. Maybe there’s feelings I’m trying to avoid. Who am I kidding, of course there’s feelings I’m trying to avoid. Feelings like.. like I’ve “wasted” my weekend. Like I actually don’t even know what I want to spend my time on. Like the things I want to spend my time on aren’t appealing anyway. Like it’s terribly hard, living in my body, because I constantly feel shitty. I’m sad about how anxious it makes me to step outside on a day I’m not feeling good about myself. My body dysmorphia is so strong. My avoidance behaviours make me feel so disconnected from the world sometimes.

Okay, 2 minutes of meditation just helped me just now. I also remembered the first time I’d successfully been able to use meditation to feel okay. It was after after my first big/ever breakup. And I vividly remember the pain I was feeling at the time, and this insane urge to “just want to see her” once. I don’t know how I knew what meditation really was (I mean, it wasn’t as big and common a word back then), but I somehow did. And I looked it up and actually went out of my house to just try out some walking meditation. And man, it really was something. I guess awareness can be magical. The awareness that lets me observe myself feeling the shitty feelings.

Yesterday was the first time I was actually overwhelmed by a positive emotion. I was feeling a ton of excitement about an idea that came to me and I really just couldn’t hold it or process it. I think it was combined with anxiety too, perhaps, which is why it wasn’t purely pleasurable. But I knew it was like 70% excitement and 30% something else. I don’t know. Eventually, I was able to calm down.

I only have two weeks until I move and that’s kind of not sinking in either. I seem to have a lot of time but nothing to actually want to fill it with. Read a little bit about body dysmorphia on reddit and about how some people struggle with the same shit I do and I feel a little better now.

There’s a lot of things I do to simply “avoid regrets”. I know that’s okay but I do wonder what life would be like I were able to do things because I “want to” do them. Basically, can pure “regret minimisation” be a good strategy? Maybe not, right? I don’t know, this needs more introspection.

I really wanna move soon so I can start dating again. It’s been incredibly boring and hopeless over the last 1-2 months since I haven’t been able to do that.

I think note to self: The third day is always a stretch. I did step out of the house for groceries yesterday but it still wasn’t enough. I think three straight days of “no plans as such” just does not work for me. Gotta stop at two, at max.

042 – my relationship(s) with various art forms

I have a long weekend this weekend (really long, 4 days) and I’m currently on Day 2 of it. I wanted to take some time to out to reflect on.. well, what the title says.

Writing

This is my go-to choice of expression. While I don’t do “creative” writing as such, I’m pretty comfortable with my relationship with this. I regularly journal, blog, share small posts on instagram, and enjoy doing it. I generally mostly think in words, and there’s little-to-no inertia from a thought entering my brain to me putting it out on paper if I want to.

If I could improve on anything, that’d be working on more poetry + sharing it, long-form blogs so I can improve my ability to stick to a single topic or related topics. Eventually, I’d maybe want to write a book, if I ever come up with enough material for something that’s worth writing about / sharing with the world.

Photography

I really enjoy this as well. I like the activity, I’m also able to come up with enough “original”ish compositions, and I feel secure in how I’m able to use this as a form of expression. I like the idea of mixing aesthetics and meaning and I feel like I’m able to find a balance with this. I’m also comfortable with and enjoy sharing my pictures, and that’s always a good sign.

I like clicking pictures more than I like consuming photos, but I like consuming them enough that I never lack inspiration.

If I could improve on anything, I’d probably want to invest in some more lenses / a better camera, go out and do more photowalks (like I used to earlier), setup pipelines to explore selling prints, and try to find paid gigs or opportunities for collaboration.

Music

This is the tough one. I think (or feel) that I enjoy this the most, more than writing or photography or painting. But I think the “problem” is that I’ve only ever been playing and singing covers all my life. Although over the last couple years I’ve somewhat started to experiment with making some original melodies but it’s been very slow, and very minimal. And I don’t think I enjoy making original music as much as I enjoy making original write-ups or photos. So the “originality” is where I get stuck on this.

And I don’t understand the differences very well. Like I don’t know what would be the equivalent of a “cover” when it comes to writing. Maybe narrating a poetry I really like? Yeah I suppose. And I can imagine that being pleasurable as well, of course. I think it’s a numbers thing. I’ve probably written like at least 500 original essays (including journaling) in my life, so that comes naturally to me. With original melodies, I’m at like 10 or something. So yes, this one’s tough. But I want to commit to this, and increase my numbers on original pieces. And then see where I’m at. Will also want to resume vocal lessons, and probably invest in either guitar / keyboard lessons.

Painting / Digital Art

This one is fairly new for me. I did this a lot as a kid and last year I tried getting back into this. I really really enjoy it, it’s satisfactory on a deep level. However, I do think that this is the one activity out of the 4 where I enjoy the results more than the process. I’m not super sure if I enjoy the process yet. I also feel a lot of inertia with getting the paint supplies + water etc ready to start working on something new. So I don’t know, I’m still learning how I feel about this one. Again, like with music, investing in classes would probably be the best course of action if I want to explore this more.

—

Since these are the main things I want to spend the next few months doing, going forward it’ll be nice to have a quick evaluation method for how everything’s going. I think the characteristics I majorly covered in the sections above are the following:

Enjoyment

How much do I enjoy the activity in general?
Do I like the process or just the results?
Am I wanting to be someone or do I genuinely enjoy the “doing”?

Originality

Am I able to be somewhat original?
Even if I am making copies, am I able to add my own touch to them?
Am I able to express myself, my emotions?

Ease, Comfort

What is the general ease, logistical ease like?
Am I able to pull numbers, am I able to engage regularly?

Sharing

Collaboration

Monetary Viability

This may or may not be important (or consequential), but it’s not irrelevant.

—

Wrote an almost 1000-word post after quite a while. Feeling good about it. Engagement is crucial. An obvious step after reflection would be goal-setting but I don’t feel like doing that at the moment. But I will, soon-ish. Let me know in the comments if I missed out on any important evaluative aspects! 🙂

041b – pretty much a journal entry

Lots of feelings. Lots and lots. Unable to communicate well with people lately.

One common pattern I’m seeing with “close-ish” friends (but not the ones closest) is that I’m unable to tell them when I’m “bored” of listening to some of their stories, some that I never asked them about in the first place. And these people are obviously unable to guess (or read) that I’m done listening as well. Maybe there is an opportunity to be more clear here. I’m afraid of hurting their feelings though. Okay, I wrote down a phrasing that conveys both parts of the feeling and isn’t as hurtful.

Of course, the stress of the moving etc might have a role to play here as well. I know it does.

Okay but, lots of things to look forward to over the remaining month here in Amsterdam. The days are getting sunnier so I hope I can be a little more active.

Have a therapy session tomorrow so hopefully that’ll be a bit helpful. Another thing I’m kind of annoyed about is how nobody else thinks of therapy as something they could be considering as well. I feel like I put in so much work and it does help many of my relationships, but people around me could be putting in some work as well. And granted, most of the work that I put in is mostly for myself, but considering it helps the relationships too, it’d be so much better if other people were working on themselves (and expressing themselves) as well. Often I feel there’s so much friction because the people I’m talking to aren’t very much in touch with their feelings (or willing to accept them, or willing to accept that there’s something a little more there). And that then requires a little more effort to most conversations.

Anyway, I’ll continue this tomorrow — I just realised I want to unwind a bit and then try going to sleep early-ish.

—

My therapy sesh got canceled which is not the best. Since I still have a lot of stuff on my mind. Woke up pretty late today and not too happy about that, since I need to wake up on time tomorrow, ugh. Couldn’t get much work done though I got some moving-related chores done, so that’s good.

The social responsibilities wrt moving are weighing on me a little bit. ie the whole process of reaching out to the few people I want to meet once before leaving. Although I know it doesn’t make a huge difference if I don’t do this, I still want to. 😦 I feel like half of my conflict on a day-to-day basis is just about how much effort-muscle I have in me vs the kind of goals/wants I have.

There’s a lot of physical energy required by most of my chores/tasks and I’m realising I don’t have enough. So that’s that. I mean of course mental energy too, but that I’m still a little more used to summoning when really needed. Or just knowing how to pace myself so I don’t end up super-exhausted. Ah well.

Anyway, that’s all from me today. Hope to have some interesting stuff to talk about soon!

041a – big changes

So I finally handed in my resignation letter at work today. I’ve been thinking about this for almost two years now, the first time when work became immensely stressful and I felt like I just couldn’t do it anymore. I’m glad that I didn’t quit then, and yet, over the last few months, even though work was absolutely fine, I still couldn’t stop thinking about “what if I could do something else”.

So.. here I am. Anyway, I don’t have a plan. I don’t know whether there’s an answer to that question. But I’m going to take some time. At least, start with a break. Then give myself a few months (more if needed) to see whether there’s an answer to the question.

To be clear, I don’t think our work needs to be a huge part of our identity, I do firmly believe that the primary purpose of work is a pay-check. And I think I’ll continue to live by that philosophy. But yes, maybe it’s possible to be a little happier at work? Just maybe? I don’t know, but I hope so. Maybe if my overall work satisfaction (this is including the money and the flexibility and all the other factors) is at 6 right now, maybe it can at least be a 7? I know that sounds like a small shift but that’s like a 16% increase, which I think is significant. So, let’s see. Big question marks here.

I’m also moving cities (nay, countries) again. Because taking a break means it’ll be nice to have other forms of support (ie familial, etc), I’m moving back home. I think this is a step in the right direction as well. More and more people are also recognising the value of living in tight-knit communities, and I think I have those structures available back home. I’m optimistic.

I should note that I do recognise that there are 4 big rocks which have the potential to take down my overall life satisfaction — ie individual safety, infrastructure, noise+pollution, conservatism. However, I think I just hope that the improvement in social+cultural satisfaction will be worth that potential cost.

I sincerely think the scary part of this gigantic step is over. Of course I may end up being severely wrong. But for now, I’m happy. And optimistic. And that’s more than enough.

I’ll really miss Amsterdam. It’s a cute, interesting, logistically easy city. Except for the 4 months of winters (which is quite a lot for my tropical self), there’s so much to love and learn from. I’m glad a spent this year here. But life calls, and I must leave for now.

040a – connecting with myself

Haven’t written one of these in a while. Been going through a lot of stuff lately, not eventfully but feelings wise, but as a result I’ve finally gotten back into a little bit of working out that I’d completely given up for almost the last 6 months. So I did some good amount just now and I’m feeling spent. Post-workout clarity has also allowed myself to cancel a thing I was kind of dreading so I have the rest of the day free now.

The last 2-3 days have been pretty decent though, and the week overall too. Though I think my social life can be a little better and a little more fulfilling, overall not much to complain about these days. It’s getting a little less cold outside as well so that’s been a major pick-me-up. Creatively, I feel better too. Been writing a little bit and clicking pictures again, and that always makes me feel super nice.

Really wanna make the most of this place and the people in the next two months so I can feel somewhat satisfied with my time here. (ie Amsterdam)

Anyway, something that was coming up a lot in the couple weeks before the one that just went by was a lot of feelings of loneliness and isolation. Some of it was just coming by due to not enough daytime plans and not enough socialisation in general, but I think of some of it was just my own. Something that came up in therapy is how feeling disconnected from even myself can cause this. And that feels true, as I’ve finally incorporated a little more physical activity and movement in my own routine, I’m feeling more connected with myself again. (This was what I knew I needed, this could of course differ for you)

One other thing I’ve been trying to do more of is learn more about art, what it is, how important it is to me and the world, etc etc. And I’ve talked about this before but I think a question that often comes up for me is whether there’s a difference between art and entertainment. (This comes up because personally I like to think about whether something I’m putting out in the world is just entertaining or whether it serves a bigger purpose. And while I don’t deny that entertainment does have its own value, I do think art is a little different.) But I finally found my answer with this quote by Erik Hoel: Entertainment, etymologically speaking, means “to maintain, to keep someone in a certain frame of mind.” Art, however, changes us. I’m sure there’s a lot of research on these two concepts and how they tie together, I’m sure a lot of people have different opinions about this, but for me, I think I agree with this idea that not all entertainment can be “art”. Stumbled upon this quote from Brody Deschanel’s channel, which itself has some really well-researched and well written video essays on a variety of topics.

So, to recap:

Had a few lonely and isolating weeks, realised that connection with myself can be a good solution too, when I can’t always hang out with other people.
Entertainment and art are both valuable, but I think art serves a bigger purpose than entertainment.

039b – the passing nature of feelings + writing is a weapon

But eventually, most feelings pass. Even the most intense ones. It’s hard to believe that one day you could be grieving the one that got away, fully believing that no, you’re really never going to love again, and two days later the only thing you want with all your heart is to be present at your friend’s wedding which the whole world seems to have somehow made it for. And then that makes you ask a question to yourself… Is the FOMO (here, I’m referring to the feeling of missing out, not the “fear” of it) real? Ie would the feeling have been diluted a bit if fewer “other” people had made it to the big thing? Ie yes, you’re really sad to not be around for your friend’s big day, but is it a lil tougher simply because so many other people are? Ie feeling alone in your fomo can definitely make it worse.

Now that we’ve isolated and untangled our feelings a bit after writing about them in 2nd person because hey, let’s face it that’s much easier.. I think I’m okay. I think I’m okay with the reality of having made some bad decisions. I’m okay with telling myself I’ll do better next time.

Man, writing is so miraculous. When I write, new questions open up magically. Questions I wasn’t able to see when the thoughts were just thoughts in my head. What is it about putting thoughts out on a paper (or screen yeah yeah) that makes them feel so structurally accessible? I was going over some of my notes from 2020 and I’m feeling quite impressed by 2020-self in the way I write about my feelings and just open them up for analysis.

For example: This is a note I have around one of the feelings that comes up post break-ups. (ie not being able to express your lingering love for a person)

The main thing I’m impressed by is how quickly I am able to jump to a different thought (ideally a question, or a less negative thought) when I write. I think if this were just in my head I’d ponder over related thoughts (ie “I really miss him” -> “I really just wanna tell him ILY” -> “Maybe I should text him” etc etc) before I’d find the ability to question this train of thoughts.

My conclusion from today’s adventures?: Faith in journaling and writing has been re-restored. Some of the stuff I went through today feels very breakthrough-like. Quite a fulfilling day in terms of self-growth. I was also quite sick for a whole week so quite glad to finally be feeling better.

039a – ah, December

When did December become such a big scheduling nightmare? Now I “know” rationally that it kind of always was like this. But this time? This time feels a little too insane. I’m in India for the holidays and going to be here till mid-January.

My social circle seems to have exploded overnight. Or over the year, whatever. Need to figure out how to let go of people to start making space for new people. Or figure which ones to retain and which ones I don’t need to make too much space for. Now I kind of understand why some people at parties look like they have ZERO interest in mingling and connecting.

I want to take a slow day for myself today, do some writing and reflection. But actually do it.

Okay, so maybe I can start with the biggest thing on my mind today. Which is the decision around geographical movement for myself. For a few months now, I’ve been thinking about moving back to India (for the time-being). I’ve always thought that here’s where I want to build my life, and though enough people have tried to convince me that I may not actually want to this, I’m now sure that I will never know until I actually try it for myself. So, that’s that. But if I were to humour the world for a little bit, and because it does make sense to, I’d like to seriously articulate or tap into the reasons behind this desire.

I want my familial connections and existing connections (some of my existing close friends) to be a more frequent part of my social routines. Not just over calls and videos, but IRL. And not just once or twice or thrice a year, but more frequently.

I just feel more connected to the overall “vibes” of the Indian cities that I’ve grown up in or spent time in. And yes, that’s not to say that you can’t build this anywhere else, but so far, I’d rather explore what already is than try to build this somewhere else.

I do like some aspects of Indian culture: the food, the TV, the media and content, and though I can “bring” with myself a lot of it wherever I go, I can’t really connect more with it (or deepen it) without literally being here.

The freedom around career choices: While this is going to be a hard, confusing, potentially frustrating question by itself, I still want the choice to quit my job whenever I want to or take long-term breaks without having to think about completely changing my life.

If I ever reach a point where I can help other people grow, I want the people here to benefit most from it. ie I guess I want to give back (maybe I can’t do enough of that remotely).

Okay, I think the reasoning is mostly sound. Now, to the fears behind this.

Feels like a big, relatively irreversible move. My (recent) judgement of India seems to be from breaks over the holidays etc. So can I really predict how I’ll feel on a day-to-day basis? Probably not. But does that necessarily mean it’ll be bad? Probably not, either. And that’s what I find out. So it’s an experiment of sorts, and of course, the cost to the experiment seems quite high. But I also know that if I want to come back to a tech job, I know it’s possible with some preparation. So it’s big yes, but maybe not necessarily irreversible.
The way I’m currently planning to do this is to take a break from job. This has come about from the need of me wanting some freedom (in terms of time and work commitments) to spend some time doing the things I want to do. And I’m worried that this freedom will eventually get boring and I won’t know what to do next.

The counter to this has to be a belief in my inner self. That even if I do get bored and find myself without any answers as such, I will be able to cope with that.

The other thing I need to do is set some intentions behind the move+break. I think the primary intention is to find work that I can feel more aligned with. And to at least figure out what kind of work that’ll end up being for me. I can’t narrow this down more, because that is daunting, at the moment at least. I have options that I want to explore, but the exploration itself cannot happen right now. And of course, to figure out whether an Indian city is truly a place I can be in for the long haul or not.

038b – therapy, addiction and therapy

Decided to do an old-school journaling-style word-vomit this time. Was prompted by advice from Phil Stutz from this documentary called Stutz that’s come out a few days ago. Randomly discovered it on my Netflix suggestions but it’s safe to say it’s one of the best, most emotionally intense things I’ve watched on TV since a while.

Suddenly gained massive respect for Jonah Hill for bringing this to the world. It’s a very vulnerable and open look into some aspects of his life, his relationship with his therapist (Phil Stutz) and Phil Stutz’s life itself. And of course, the therapeutic process.

I especially loved what Phil said about the life force. He says that even in the times when you’re directionless or lost, you can always be working on your “life force”, and you’ll find things to be improving or the path forming by itself. The life force itself consists of three tiers ie your relationship with your (physical) body, your relationship with other people, and finally your relationship with your “self”. For the last one, he recommends writing. Or journaling. Of course, we know this a little bit, but it’s good to be reminded of it.

I want to talk about my addictions again, since I haven’t for a while. I’ve decided to commit to quitting smoking. I’m on my day 4 (and while I’m still not completely cutting out all nicotine, ie still using a vape) I think it’s still a worthwhile endeavour. For the first time in a year, I’m confident that I can take this somewhere this time.

The second addiction I’ll eventually start working on (again), although it’s a daily process really, is the staying up late and waking up (or getting out of bed) late. Of course, late and early is relative, but suffice to say that my current sleep schedule is a big problem for me. It’s the reason I get much less sunlight than I want to be getting in a day, and it’s the reason I just feel super weird and lethargic on many days.

The third I want to think about a little more before decided what to do with it is the phone and social media addiction. Since I currently use instagram a lot as a “creative space” I’m not sure if I want to just completely cut it off for a while. But maybe.. it’s worth experimenting with. Maybe there’s other ways or places where I can share the things I want to. Let’s see.

Therapy’s finally gotten more useful, I completed 4 sessions with my new therapist and the last two sessions have been really great. I’ve been engaging with music as a form of expression so much more in the last two weeks than I did over the whole of October. (Which is okay too since October was me experimenting with painting), but since I was getting a little frustrated and worried about whether I was going to lose my interest in music, it’s been good to realise that I’m not. (Or haven’t at least right now.) My blockers were mainly getting triggered about not being good enough and some weird social media related things.

Anyyyway, that’s all for tonight. Happy tuesday y’all!

037b – priorities and restrictions

My conflict with work and what I want to be doing (for work) has gotten stronger since around a month. I tried some product work for a few weeks which unfortunately made me realise that’s not an option that’s much better than my current (engineering) role. And since I’d told myself that I’ll try out as much as I can in tech itself before deciding whether or not to jump ship, the realisation has been (mildly) unwelcome. I think I was hoping to like this more, in which case I wouldn’t have had to go through a harder process of potentially switching fields.

But the reason I started writing this today is the thought around “focus”. I’ve been wanting to buy a keyboard (piano) for a while because I’d started learning it around a year ago, but when I moved I didn’t bring it with me, and until now I haven’t had the free time to really think about this. But I recently realised that I’ve been pushing off buying one because lately I’ve started caring more about being focused. Because I’ve been thinking that if I do want to pursue any form of art as a career, shouldn’t I be focused towards it? But then.. I think, if pursuing art as a career means restricting myself in all these ways, is it even worth it?

Of course, my “focus” assumption could be wrong. Or the way I’m going about it. I probably need to talk to actual people who’re pursuing art to know more about this. Ie whether they find themselves restricting themselves in some ways in order to be focused with their job / career. But if the assumption isn’t wild, then it’s worth taking a step back.

I think freelancing (where you get to experiment with different kinds of jobs from time to time) would be really cool. Of course, at a cost – potentially, conventional success (??) but maybe that’s a cost I might be okay with.

Anyway, I just realised I haven’t posted for over a month but writing right now made me feel good. It’s good to have some of the things that almost always feel nice, helpful and safe.

Some updates since I last shared a post:

Finally had a first session with a new therapist (scheduling was being an absolute pain) and I like her so I’m going to do a few more sessions. But so glad that this is kicking off again. I haven’t had a regular therapist since February and it’s been well, not ideal.
Recently started getting into painting a little bit and it’s been a blast. Thoroughly enjoying it.
Winters hasn’t completely taken over yet and I’m so grateful, hoping for a similar trend throughout November.

Anyway that’s all folks. If you have advice related to my career confusions, let me have it!