Personal – Page 13 – untitled atm

037a – back home, kind of

Haven’t been feeling great for the last couple days. Not mentally, per se. I think more physically. Fell sick last week and I think I’m still recovering a bit. The pressure of making the most of a new place is a bit too much, I don’t know. Taking it chill doesn’t seem to be the correct philosophy for life lately. I mean, maybe I’m not even sure whether I’d want to be taking it chill, even if the world told me it was okay.

I’ve been making more music though, and it’s been nice to get to that point. I’m also more motivated to maybe try playing at an open mic sometime soon. Maybe in the next 6 months. I say 6, because ideally it’s 4 but also winters will come around soon so might not be realistic to be able to do this before November.

I wanna feel better soon. So I can plan more social things without having to cancel them last minute.

I think I’m going to take a step back from insta-posting. Maybe that era’s behind me. I want to get more creative with expression, now. There was a time when “expressing” was important than the form it took.. but maybe that’s not the case anymore. Maybe I want to focus on the second part of expression, ie the connection and resonance it’s suppose to create with another person. I’ll need to become more organized. I’ll need to become more disciplined. Am I afraid? Of course I am. It sucks to have to realize that maybe you’re not good at things you wanted to be good at. But I wouldn’t know until I give it a real shot. Which means restarting my vocal lessons, really putting focus time into songwriting etc.

This doesn’t have to be pressurizing. I don’t have to do everything at once.

I need to restart therapy as well. I don’t know how long I can carry on without some support. Right now I’m feeling okay but suddenly at 1pm sometimes things feel really heavy.

Cool thing of the day though – I’d ordered some clothes from Uniqlo and I finally received them, one of the pieces fit me really well and I’m pretty happy!

Anyway, today came with some questions worth pondering over –

Do you feel in touch with your life? What parts feel good, what don’t?

I think I need more people in my life for sure. Need to put myself out there, both in terms of friendships and dating. Need more variety of people as well, need people with whom I’m more aligned in terms of values etc. Health is the other thing, I’ll have to make some commitments to myself soon. I’ve been unable to, but it’s going to be high-time soon. I don’t want to reach a point where some of the damage I’ve done to my body is irreversible.

Which goals do I wanna prioritize over the others? (Personal, social, career-based)

How to balance living with reflection?

036b – blocked

Feeling very blocked since the last two days. So I need to get a word-vomit out before I sleep tonight. Blocked, how? Mainly, creatively. Living at home really takes up a lot of mental space. So I think I’ve found that it’s comfortable and mostly pleasant, but not fulfilling enough. What makes me feel fulfilled? I think when I’m spending enough time on my hobbies and other creative pursuits. And I really do need dedicated time-spaces for that.

I was home for my sister’s wedding and that’s now been wound up for exactly 10 days. It’s about time I get back to the things I want to be doing in my daily life. Will also have the weekend somewhat to myself so I can dedicate that to wrapping this up, for good. Will also try to make a todo list after I’m done with this write-up. I think there’s been a lot of joy around for the last month but all of it feels like it’s been on borrowed time. It doesn’t fully feel mine, especially since it feels like it didn’t come out of my “daily routine”. It’s a one-off thing. Does that reduce the value of it? Probably not, and yet.. I’d thought about various things I could have done if I was home for longer than a month, and I haven’t really committed to any of them. I don’t know, time just keeps slipping away. It’s been hard to focus, anyway.

Really couldn’t focus on this either so I tried to make a quick todo list. I think it’s helped already. Should I just give this up, though? I remember how the voice in my head used to be so loud and incessant. And now I barely have anything to talk about. Why’s that the case? It’s the open questions that really kill you. I’d mentioned these in my previous word-vomit but they’re still very very open and very very icky. What do I want to focus on in life? How do I want to be spending my time? How do I try to find someone / how do I look for relationships? Where do I wanna be, geographically, long-term. Does the geography question matter if I want to be seriously dating?

At least word-vomits still don’t take more than 30 minutes. I don’t know why I dread starting this still when I know a small post will barely take any time. Maybe I’ve lost some of my “reflection” skills. Whatever that means. Oh man, living in the present is just so difficult.

This is probably one of the least interesting series of sentences I’ve ever written but I’m going to post it anyway, since that’s the only way I get to continue / move past this. Hope you all have a better start to the weekend than mine!

036a – updates and questions

“How are you?” — Nobody’s asked me that in a while. Well, at least not in a way where I could have told them how I am, really. Actually, I suppose mom kinda did ask me this today, but it didn’t feel enough. Not sure why.

It feels silly to think about this while the US is going through a massive setback. While my social media feed has already made me numb to the news. But it is what it is, I suppose. I feel what I feel. And what I feel is some kind of loneliness, as I often do.

I’m in India for a month, for my sister’s wedding. Super happy for her and all that, of course. But it’s been a lot of work, and I don’t see that changing. It’d all be fine, I feel, except I have a big problem to solve within the next 3 weeks. It’s an administrative problem, so not really worth talking about here, but suffice to say it’s taking up a lot of mental space and isn’t something I can avoid.

I feel like Indian weddings really need to be scaled down a bit. Or I don’t know. The brunt of planning really shouldn’t fall on civilians like us, unless they really want it to. Or well, I guess I’m just unhappy with the situation I’m in, and I don’t need to generalize it for the whole country. Point being, I feel like I could have been way happier for her if there wasn’t such a huge, stressful multiple day event being planned around it. I am an anxious cat, after all.

Sometimes I really wonder if I need to delete my social media accounts etc. I’m definitely spending more time on scrolling than I want to be. My counter has always been that I really enjoy posting (creative outlet, etc) and that that part of it isn’t addictive either. So if I delete accounts completely, what would then be a good replacement for the part that acts a nice little motivator for my creative pursuits? I don’t know yet. I think the simple answer is that it’ll have to be more internal. And I feel like I have it in me, but it feels like a big change. I suppose that’s all the more reason to do it. I don’t really need it anyway.

I’m also a little sad that I’ve only been doing 500-word posts lately and no 1000-word posts. I feel like some of the good stuff really comes up when you push past the discomfort that comes up around 600-650 words. I guess I’ll keep this in mind the next time.

Alright, last chunk. Some questions I want to think about, whenever I find some time for myself:

[Ick] Career stuff. This is really icky right now, but I really need to look into this.
[Ick] Geography stuff. Should I think about this independently, or otherwise?
[Task] Restart therapy and singing lessons. The only two things which were providing a nice routine for me up until March. And hopefully therapy can also help me find some time for the former two issues.

Okay I’m out, good night!

035b – dream cities (read: dreams)

People often ask me what my dream city would be. Mostly when I’m complaining about how geographical movement is hard. But I don’t know if I have a dream city. I just have dreams.. and most cities I’ve lived in are capable of fulfilling them for me.

I don’t think my dreams are too big. I want to sing for small-medium sized groups of people. I want a decent-sized sunlit apartment to spend my indoors time in. I want a guitar and a keyboard at home. I want relatively warm weather for as much time of the year as possible. A couple months of rainy weather would be nice too.

I want a sense of community, belonging: I think I’ve gotten pretty good at being able to build this, again, at least in places I’ve lived so far. I want to be around good friends. And I think I want to spend 20% of my social (and free)-time with close family.

I want a person to share all of this with. I want to be able to do fun things with them. I probably want us to co-parent a cat. And some plants.

And of course, I want to able to earn some amount of money to support all of these things. Ideally, I want a career that can help me earn some money and also help me fulfill some of my yearnings. But with a lot of remote opportunities and general globalization, I think the city I choose wouldn’t affect this in a big way.

I want some greenery I can access within 10-15 minutes of walking or biking, ideally. I want to be able to drive a car. And I want a city with infrastructure decent enough to make it fun to drive around.

Of course, I want to be safe while I do all this. So yes, half of the Indian cities I know get removed from my “cities I can live in” list. But Bangalore, Mumbai and even Delhi (with some caveats) stay on.

I want good food. I definitely want some cute cafes here and there. I want to be able to go dancing once a while.

–

I was writing this between breaks from reading this brilliant read about picking careers. Went back and spent around 2 more hours on it, brainstormed and introspected a bit, and suddenly I find myself feeling very optimistic. Maybe it’s helping that I’m seeing 7 am after many days (my sleep schedule’s been really bad, so I ended up pulling an all-nighter today). But regardless, the optimism is real.

I’m okay with perhaps switching careers at the age of 30, I’m okay with being single for as long as I don’t find the right person (and if that never ends up happening, I feel like I’ll be okay with that too), I’m okay with possibly never having kids (which reduces the time pressure on finding someone). And lastly, I’m perfectly okay with my place in this world – small or big. How liberating to feel this. Hope it lasts a while!

035a – big changes

Really need the noise to quieten down. External, internal, all of it. Anxiety’s been pretty high lately. I “overthink” every little decision I have to go through. Wish some of the days would pass by easier. A 4-day long weekend in the middle of apartment hunting is just the worst. The first thing everyone asks me when they talk to me is whether I found a house yet or not. It’s frustrating, though I’m not sure why. Because I’m worried about it? It’s a trigger, I guess.

Everyone’s priorities in life are so different, it’s hard to remember that it’s okay that that’s the case. The context that’s shaped all of us is so different, even if we may have somehow ended up in the same location at this point in time. Someone said the past doesn’t really matter, it’s what you decide in this moment that shapes you. It sounds wonderful, but I’m not sure if I believe it.

Need to do some of the mundane things: cleanup, etc. Need my space to be better for relaxation. (and work too, lol)

I actually don’t have a lot of “things” to do right now, not too many. But until I finalize a house I’m just not able to focus on any of the smaller stuff, even if it’s really tiny. So far, I think I liked San Francisco better than Amsterdam.. though I’m aware the former has three whole years on the other. I used to think I’m good with casual parties every day and that I might enjoy them too, but man – this city really is on a whole other level. Or so it feels. I do crave some like-minded people around me though. Someone I could really share FeELinGs with.

I’m really envious of people who can adjust to big changes (or I guess even smaller changes) faster. I know I’m not like them, though how I wish I were. I miss the people I’ve said goodbye to, but even more – I miss the feelings I’ve said goodbye to. And it’s that classic problem – even if I were to go back to those people and try to feel the same things, I wouldn’t. Because they were unique to that time. And it’s fine, I’m not closed to what’s in store for me, I know I’ll learn to enjoy other things and other people, but I guess there’s just a lot of weeks I need to go through before I can get to that.

My third week here is about to end in a couple of days. Let’s see what it brings before it ends. Amsterdam, be good to me. 🙂 ❤

034b – art v/s. skills

Alright, it’s been a while since I’ve written, it’s due.

Life’s been interesting, now that I think about it. I consumed some pot, so I’m pretty active. Plus, I slept in the day, so I’m pretty active.

I’ve got this .. problem? of sorts. I feel quite all over the place, when it comes to practicing art lately. I’ve found that I enjoy 4-5 forms quite a lot – music (guitar, learning keys, singing), digital drawing, writing (poetry, blog..kind formats, and comedy-sketches-typeof things.)

Soo let’s break this down into pieces.

Why is this a problem? Is it a problem? Well, I got limited time. If I’m spending 4-5 hours of my free time on 2-3 different things (ideas) everyday, that’s probably making me inefficient / suboptimal. In terms of.. well, output, as well skill development.

One counter to this could definitely be increased organization. If I’m spending some time on structure and logging, I could probably reduce the overhead caused by context-switches etc. Alright well, I organized my notes directories. I’m actually pretty happy with it! I have deep faith in organizational tools, and making time for them.

Anyway, coming back to the problem breakdown. The deeper philosophical question: why is reduced output or reduced efficiency bad? What are my personal motivations behind creation or art, and what am I losing out on, then?
I think I have talked about this before, but for me there are two primary purposes of art:
1. expression, and 2. connection.
There could also be some secondary purposes. One (perhaps) is skill development.

The expression part, I think I’m good with. My natural self is able to find enough time and ways to handle that. So what remains is connection. And maybe a bit of skill development.

I think.. the connection part also, I’m good with. What remains then, is just this wish to be more.. skilled? But not sure of the reasons for it. Until my skills (or the lack thereof) are being a hindrance to what I want to express, I shouldn’t need to worry about skill development. Okay, I’m good with that conclusion.

To recap, one: I start being a little more organized. Which means: taking more notes, finding time for regular structure updates, setting weekly or monthly goals. (Also I noticed as I started filling up some of the docs, that as with tasks etc, my perception is probably pretty bad. The number of ideas or whatever I have in my head aren’t actually as much as I think I do, at a given point in time.) two: I reduce worrying about skills and where I’m at in those individual journeys. I recognize (or acknowledge) that that’s more of a distracting thought. I don’t need to know all the scales before I can express myself with music. I don’t need to be good at Procreate before I can express myself with drawings. Etc.

Onward!

034a – hey, 2022

I didn’t really get much time to reflect this month. Had a couple of flights in which I’d done some writing, but nothing similar to what I’d managed to do last year. Last year I had goals – small, big, I had achievements, I had pillars I wanted to focus on in the (then) coming months.. all the works.

I think this year I’ve been avoiding it a bit. Since I just got back from India around a week back, i’m still getting used to being alone, etc. I’ve been watching a lot of TV for some sense of normalcy, and trying to curb my smoking, for the most parts.

I think that’s also the major thought I’m trying to avoid. i.e. whether I should be working on reducing (quitting?) smoking this year. It’s a hard thought.. I’m already anxious around it all the time, why would I deliberately sit and think about it, right?

But I’ve been forgetting how facing these devious thoughts is the only way to make them lose their power. So, here I am. Ready now, I think.

Let’s start with the big blocks I want to be focusing on. A rare moment of clarity made me realize those are going to be love, peace and growth. I don’t think this needs more thought, I can’t think of anything else that’s more important. Well, alright – maybe discipline a bit? Routines, in some ways. Though I don’t feel too strongly about that so I probably won’t be trying too hard on that. Health, though.. is a whole other conversation. Health is going to be important to think about, it needs to be. My aim for January is going to be to track smoking, and not let it go beyond 2-3 cigarettes a day. I think I will also need to add some physical exercise to my week. It’s been completely absent for almost the last 6 months. Mornings, as much as I can. Evenings, if mornings don’t work out. Diet, I think a bit as well. Would want to eat healthier. Of course I would have to break all this down into more actionable goals, but this is a good start, for now.

I want to continue to create more.. content / art / watchamacallit. So that’s continuing to write, clicking pictures, playing and making more music (with more people as well).

Love. SIGH. I think it’s looking more clear that it’s going to be hard for me to organically meet someone. I might have to accept that dating apps is where it’s at, for me. Once I accept that fully, I’ll probably be able to put in the work as well. Let’s see though, I don’t know if I feel like thinking about this right now..

Insecurities, self-confidence, self-acceptance.. I think that’s going to continue to be an ongoing journey, but I want to stay on the path, even if it’s never ending. I definitely don’t want to stop the “fight” so to say.

Alright, I think that’s all I can do for now, happy new year folks!

033b – monday blues

Today feels like the perfect Sunday to try writing a little bit. I have a couple drafts waiting to be released but I’ve been unable to bring the word-count up, so a fresh attempt this will be. The last few weeks have been terribly busy, both actually and mentally. Had internal interviews, had a small public-ish music thing (yes!! more on that in this post, hopefully), had multiple Diwali parties to go to for the first time in a while, and on top of all this I’m making travel plans and god that shit is incredibly time-consuming.

I do feel a little hungover from yesterday night though, so I’m not sure how coherent I might end up being. Forgive me if not very. Smoking has gone up from the last time I might have written anything, so today I’m trying this new thing where every time I feel like smoking, I’m just going to clean up a bit of my surroundings instead.

I’ve been feeling very free ever since Friday went by, though now that Monday’s approaching again I’m thinking about some of the work that I didn’t do on Friday. Probably going to go do that right now and come back to this in a bit.

—

Well, I didn’t pick this up yesterday, but I’m back here now. It’s hard to sit still and write. Today’s been an anxious day again. The sun didn’t come out, and I find that completely kills my productivity. It’s 4pm now and I would like to do things before the light goes away. (Daylight savings sucks, it really does). I really want to restart working out a bit, I’ve completely given it up since the last few months.

Lately, I’ve also been struggling to make emotional space for dating. Not sure what it is, in some ways I feel quite emotionally independent. Which I always thought would be a great thing, but I’m not sure anymore.

Ah, my thoughts are all over the place right now. How does one manage this? Todo lists etc also get old. I keep making new ones every time I have a bunch of new tasks on my radar. Maybe I’m over-stimulated. That’s a thing, right? Maybe I should meditate a bit after this is done. Provided that ever happens.

Work’s been a little annoying, there’s a bunch of vague things I need to get done. It’s not super stressful but most of the stuff isn’t well-defined.. which was rarely a problem for me before but I think today is just not a good day for me, perhaps. I should also cut myself some slack, my “move” problem takes up a lot of space in my head, without me being able to account for it. Guess I should wrap that up by the end of this week.

Alright well, this really was just a brain dump. My apologies, folks. I’ll hopefully have something interesting to talk about soon enough, and I’ll make time and space to make it a coherent read for you.

033a – flights, again

Well, I’m in a 5-hour flight again. Flying to Boston. We’re going to attempt to catch some fall foliage in and around New England. I’m really excited, this has been on my “list” for a while now. It’s also my last fall in the US for the short-medium term, so of course, it’s extra special.

I’m not sure the timing’s great though. I have a couple weeks to prep for interviews etc., and managing that along with work is going to be a little hard. And for some reason lately, I’ve been wanting to create more and more content all day, all the time. Not sure why I have so much to express suddenly. Could it be possible that our brains go on overdrive in whichever universe we immerse them into?

That is to say, if I cut off all contact with music, poetry, photography, etc. for a couple weeks, I’ll be able to focus on work and interviews? I should give that a real shot.

I suppose it’s okay though, I’m sure life will work out one way or the other. Worst case I just end up going to India instead.

My laptop’s going to be out of juice soon, what a pain it’d be to have to dig into the depths of my backpack to take out the charger.

I met someone amazing the other day. I’d really like to see her again. I haven’t asked yet, we’ll see how that goes. I’m realizing that the full (overt) vulnerability thing might be a bit tricky when it comes to dating, etc. I post a lot on the internet, including this blog, but what if someone I’m currently seeing comes across it? It might be a little crazy to have so much information about someone before really getting to know them.
Although, I think about the various people I follow online, and I suppose if I did meet them in “real life”, it’s not necessary that I’d fuse their “work” with them. While it’s true that everything we create is in some ways a part of us, that’s all it is, right? It’s not necessarily our identity.

Anyway, I realized last night that I’d like to share more of my poetry with more people. I’d like to participate in open mics as well. I’ve found a virtual open mic coming up the next weekend and I think I might try to attend that. Man, life really is short, isn’t it? So much to do, such little time.

This flight thing isn’t too bad though, it’s nice to get this sort of focus time where I don’t really have to do anything, so I’m free to do anything I want – under the being-a-thousand-miles-away-from-earth constraints, of course.

I just checked my word count, we’re already at 500 words. Could it be.. could this actually become a 1000-word post after many, many months?

My phone’s been out of storage lately so I was unable to download offline music for this flight. (I mean I thought I’d downloaded it but only once when I was up in the air I’d realized that wasn’t the case). But the coolest thing just happened. The flight wifi details state that it doesn’t support audio/video streaming, but I tried to play something on youtube and it worked. I wonder if it’s a bug or a feature. I’m not telling them though, not trying to find out.

In other news, I think addictions are a little crazy. I think I’m softly addicted to the feeling of being seen. While I’ve now accepted that it’s completely acceptable to share your work (or thoughts and feeling), etc., as much as you’d like to, I’d still like to be at peace even when I’m not getting to share it? As soon as I got on the flight today I felt restless. I immediately wanted to purchase wi-fi and talk to people.

Could I.. what if I’m more extroverted than I’d thought? Ah just kidding, I hadn’t met anyone in 2 business days, even my introversion has limits.

Holy shit, I just saw the most orange cloud of clouds I’ve seen in a while. And the whole thing looked especially insane from above the clouds. Don’t think I’ve seen something like this. Will add pictures once I reach earth.

Anyway, I just realized I still have a whole 2 hours to go in here, so I think I’m going to use this time to peruse some interview prep material to easy a little bit of my stress and worries. Catch y’all later, humans.

032b – how to say art

Content creation (and sharing) is so hard. It’s incredibly rewarding and addictive, obviously. But everything that comes up as soon as you post something, that can get pretty hard. So much vulnerability, so much self-doubt when something doesn’t go well right away. And yet, there’s something crazy about the dopamine (or whatever) that makes you want to keep going, again and again.

I guess it gets somewhat easier the more you do it, but I’m still for from a place where it doesn’t bother me at all. Wherein I’m detached from the art as soon as it’s out there. I think the trick would be to move on to the next thing as soon as possible. And then look at the past shares and how they did only when you’re ready to take feedback from them for the next thing. Feedback just to feel or inform your own opinion of your art seems useless. Your opinion was whatever it last was before you put it out into the world.
Maybe it’d be useful to record that opinion before I share the thing.

Anyway, it’s still hard to call my writings or music or pictures “art”. I don’t know, multiple layers of judgement and ridicule from my own self when I do so. (This is probably worth exploring in a future post.)

Things have randomly gotten hard otherwise. Friendships have suddenly gotten a little complicated. I suppose it’s inevitable. But I don’t know how to make much sense of it, or whether I want to resolve it. It’s hard to want to resolve things when you’re the only one who seems to want it. I suppose I can let time do its thing, and maybe we’ll settle into a new normal, or whatever. I’m aware this is quite vague for you, the reader, but I also don’t feel like changing it. My apologies.

Work’s been good though, my sleep schedule has been pretty decent too.

I really want to write 200 words more but I feel so exhausted right now. It’s a good thing, I know. As soon as I’m done with this I’m going to hop into bed. I have a long Friday ahead of me tomorrow, and I don’t want to be super drained tomorrow. Part of me wants to stop now and continue this later but I also know that won’t happen, and worse – I won’t feel like posting this useless word vomit out there. The only way I can post it is if I write it in a single stretch. Of course, I’m cheating right now with all the meta writing, but eh, I’m okay with that.

Welp, I smoked a little bit of weed. What a shift in mood. I’ve always wanted to write when high. Somehow never feel like writing when I’m high though. All I feel like doing is talking to people. Or listening to music. Or watching good content. I’ve always wanted to execute and lean into creativity when high, but execution is so hard for me in that state. I absolutely love talking to people when I’m in this state though. Okay, I think I need more ways of saying “when I’m high” / “when I’m in this state”. This paragraph is terribly tedious.

Alright folks, there’s my 500 words, have a great Friday!