Personal – Page 4 – untitled atm

095 – curiosities and non-monogamy

There are things I do on a daily basis which help me maintain a sense of stability even as I try to keep with the various big crazy uncertainties of life. Singing, dancing, making lists, journaling, talking to and texting with people who feel like home, watching Schitt’s Creek, making and having my morning cold coffee— these are some of the things that allow me to cope with the big questions of life. These are the things that help me cope with my exploratory needs, even when those needs are incredibly anxiety inducing.

What are some of these needs, one might wonder. Lately, it’s been curiosities around non-monogamy. Which has bought up quite a bit of tumult within me, if I’m being honest. Yesterday night I realised how invested and attached I do feel about one of the existing connections in my life right now. There’s also a lot of discomfort around realising how ingrained within me the current monogamy mental model is. It’s not just me, of course, most people I know are quite monogamous and are quite happy with it as well. But in my current circles, I’m the only one who’s “trying” to check what I prefer. One of my friends identifies as polyamorous, but he has done so for pretty much the longest time and I don’t know if he struggled with any of this, and it certainly didn’t show even if he did. Another friend experimented a bit with all this— and I actually realised I wasn’t super supportive of his explorations when he was in the throes of it— I think I was of the opinion (without perhaps being very aware about it) that we don’t need to do things if they give us so much anxiety. (He would tell me about the amount of anxiety he would experience when his partner was on dates with other people and I would just struggle to understand why they (he and his partner) were putting themselves through so much when it was so uncomfortable for the both of them). Over a year later, as I’ve reconnected with the exploratory, curious parts of me, I realise that just because new things give us (me) anxiety, it doesn’t mean new things are bad.

I’m glad I’m able to hold and face this believe again and again, with various things in life. I’ve accepted that anxieties about all the plethora of things in the world aren’t “not going to show up”, and to “delete” them can’t be my aim. The aim is to just to be in touch with what new things are worth trying despite all the anxiety, and the reasons for which I may want to try them. (“What is worth trying” is also something we cannot answer in the present, but I suppose being clear about why we’re “putting ourselves through” something can help).

Whenever I’m faced with something that’s so non-conventional, I always automatically go back to the time when I first discovered that I liked women. Somehow, that wasn’t at all anxiety inducing to me. Maybe because I discovered that through love, or maybe because it was still within the limits of “my “open” mind” as it were at the time. Basically, somehow, I wasn’t inherently homophobic and was also lucky enough to probably not have too many (openly) homophobic people around me (which I believe is why I didn’t get influenced into taking on any external homophobia either).

The topics of gender and non-monogamy on the other hand, have been uncomfortable enough. But I won’t want to blame myself for the discomfort. It’s okay that it’s uncomfortable. And I know that I can work through it, also.

So yeah, I feel better now that I’ve acknowledged and laid out the discomfort and the context of the situation here. Now to the next part: if being clear about the reasons of something can help with carrying it forward, what are my reasons for wanting to explore non-monogamy?

I think it was triggered by realising I had some residual feelings for a person while I started to see a new person, and I actually felt for a (albeit brief) period of time I actually had feelings (and curiosities about more than a single person). (Side thing here— I felt a bit guilty about this, and I feel like the monogamy model is one of the causes for the guilt.)
Did some research and reading, and of course, having curiosities for more than a single person is just the starting point. Non-monogamy is not just about having these curiosities, it’s about a lot more— ie whether you have the wish to follow these curiosities, whether you have the bandwidth for it, whether you have the capacity for very open, honest communication with multiple partners and the ability to respect different types of boundaries AND the capacity to deal with the reverse, and lastly of course whether you have the willingness to then date only within the non-monogamous pool— because the reality does seem like it is an objectively smaller pool.
I do compare romantic love with non-romantic love as of now, sometimes though. I just feel like I’m a better friend because I have multiple deep friendships. And for the same reason, I just wonder if I could also be a better “lover” if I have multiple deep romantic relationships. I basically wonder if I could be more “secure” if I was non-monogamous. I’m reading a lot more about this and of course, it’s not like I’m trying to solve my relationship with myself THROUGH other people, like I know that the security essentially has to come from me, only me, and whether I date one person or two (or zero actually), that piece of the picture has to still be painted through my own internal work.. and yet, I just feel like being “forced” to do some of the work and having different types of structures and stimuli can help with it all. (Again, as it often does with friendships and all the other types of relationships.)
I’m trying to answer this very important question for myself: Why is it that we believe that we can only (romantically) love a single person at a time? Or whether it’s even true. If it’s true (for me), I may not end up caring about the why, but if it’s not true— I would really like to know sooner than later.

There’s probably a few more things here but I’m actually really satisfied with the last point, I think that’s the crux, really.

Phew, that was a lot. Stay alive folks, cheers xx

094a – blogging is cool

Finally got to rest and recharge today. Got a few chores done post dinner, caught up with a couple friends also, feeling good.

Maintenance, I’m realising is definitely a thing. When buying things, or setting things up, we need to be mindful of how much maintenance they may require. For example, if I add more instruments to my space, I need to consider how much regular cleaning they may require etc. Another thing I’ve been thinking of doing is practicing driving and really getting serious about it. But then car maintenance is an additional thing to consider which I’d never paid attention to until now.

Feeling pretty sleepy but I want to write so I will.

I think I’m in a good space now. Looking forward to this week, finally planned the week a bit too. Planning is something I often struggle with so it’s nice to have structures and people around me who help me with this.

I’ve been watching Schitt’s Creek again and it’s been quite enjoyable. I’d forgotten how much nice, easy shows can improve a day (of course, within their limits).

Thinking I might be able to make some time for domestic travels once again, actually. It’s funny how this works. Get the right people to ask you to visit and then making time and bandwidth doesn’t seem so tough actually. I know this conflicts a little bit with what I wrote here about wanting more time to myself but only a little bit. I’m optimistic that March will give me the time I need and then April will be a bit open again.

Chores and tasks are only a problem for as long as you’re not doing them, funnily enough. We know this, I know this, and yet, it’s only when I actually get them done that I realise this again and again. Doing a little more cooking lately too and I’m quite happy about that. Feels pretty grounding and therapeutic.

I used to often wonder what the point of blogging was if you’re not coming to terms with “insightful things” on a daily/regular basis, but now I think even the pure act of documentation can be quite worthwhile. For one, it helps you remember how you feel about various events happening in your life. Even the pure act of noting that down can help you make better decisions, I think. It helps to know what you’re liking, what you’re not liking, which of course helps you do more of what you do like and less of what you don’t (assuming that is possible). The other thing (this I learnt from the Artist’s Way recently) is that there is only so much “complaining” you can do about a thing until you eventually get tired of it and are “forced” (by choice, funnily enough) to solve it.

Yep, I think that’s it from me tonight. Cheers xx

093b – march updates

Haven’t word-vomited properly for around a week. Feeling pretty restless this week. Also very exhausted. Sister’s leaving tonight so I know I’ll get to recharge once she does though of course I’m sad to see her leave as well. It’s also been really chilly here this week which has got me feeling quite irate.

Finally opened my notion board this week, which I’d been avoiding because I was feeling a bit stressed and crumbly under the weight of tasks etc but feeling okay now.

I have some international travel coming up this summer and finally got done with 1/2 of the Visa processes. Quite relieving actually.

Looking forward to a relatively quieter month, if that’s possible for me. I’m feeling quite away from all my creative pursuits and I’m not very happy about that. Would also like to narrow focus a bit, since I feel extremely scattered.

Feel like this word-vomit reflects my mental state a bit as well, though part of me knows that it’s mostly just judgement creeping in and the need to defend myself over it. What is the judgement? That I don’t really have anything to write or talk about. Which also feels weird because I thought I had a lot of things “weighing” on me or whatever. Ugh, the inherent insecurity of expressing yourself is just quite annoying.

I have enough things to do but perhaps not a strong enough motivation to do any of them. Perhaps the tricks is just to do the things anyway. I’m going to treat tomorrow as a workday so I can get some of these tasks done.

I also feel a bit worried about potential health issues and in general my lack of enough healthy habits or the abundance of enough unhealthy habits, which is something I do find quite tough to tackle. Sleep “schedule” has been mostly decent though, so I guess I’m grateful for that.

I’d like to wrap up 100K words by the end of this month, though I know for sure that I’m going to keep this blog going still. It’s just my most preferred way of processing things. Still, it’ll be nice to “complete” something also.

Still curious about non-monogamy, hoping to go on a couple dates with different people this month so I can gather some more information about how I feel and what I might potentially want in this aspect. I’m hoping it’s just a brain itch because that will make things easier, but let’s see.

We have general elections this year over here and I would finally like to participate— I mean I’ve always wanted to but have just been quite procrastinatey about documents and the admin processes. Feel like it’s time to tackle it this time. I’m aware I’m using the word tackle quite a bit today but maybe that’s how everything does feel.

Alright, writing today was quite tough. Hoping it’s just a practice (or the lack thereof) thing. Hope I can be a bit regular in March again.

Cheers xx

093a – age, explore vs exploit, attachment

Feeling very reflective today. I think I’m not that afraid of turning 30 anymore. I feel like things have only gotten better (so far) with the power that experience and age brings. I’m still ambitious, motivated, excited, prone to chasing pleasure, prone to human longings, but I feel more grounded. Of course, these feelings of stability and security are not PURELY related to age. There’s a lot of other things that play into it— geography, community, loving people ie family and friends, romantic partnerships, anti-anxiety medication, my therapist, goals I’m working towards, and lastly art and artistic outlets; and some of these (maybe most) can be present at most ages. But whatever it is, I’m feeling good about still have over an year to 30, and then sort of having a nice “second half” of my life from 30-55 or 30-60.

I don’t want to say that the life I envision post 60 is not valuable, but I imagine that will be very different considering the challenges that “old age” might bring, so I just feel like it’s futile to think about that right now. Obviously, one might argue it’s obviously futile to even think about anything beyond a week or two, really, but let’s keep that aside for a minute.

The point is— I’m excited about the second half of my life.

The numbers are just rough markers, of course.

I’m satisfied with the amount and kind of “explorations” I’ve done over the course of my 20s, and I feel good about sort of entering a bit of the “exploit” part of life, at least in the bigger picture. Not to say that I will curb my exploratory needs as and when they come up— and I think I am sufficiently exploratory by nature, and this has also been sufficiently stable over the last couple decades, despite the anxieties that come with exploration in general and despite my personal fears and anxieties. So I wouldn’t want to curb my exploratory needs too much, and my brain does devote maybe 10-20% of its bandwidth on curiosities. However, I’m learning to focus on the stability and safety that comes out of really leaning into the remaining 80-90% of the thing itself. Or (and) celebrate the good parts of what is.

—

In therapy we also talked about differentiating attachment (of the spiritual sense) and the real attachment (the one that exists within relationships etc). I think I’ve been mixing the two a lot over the last few years. I’ve convinced myself that I get attached too quickly and in unhealthy ways (even though that attachment was coming from my ego) and I forgot that I’m capable of maintaining and nourishing healthy attachments too. With friendships, for example— I’m actually capable of showing up in many many healthy ways. I’d like to not do myself disservice by confusing these two terms. Maybe it makes sense to think about what the healthy attachment means and looks like— do I want it? Is it a subset of love? What are the pitfalls? Why am I so afraid of it? I am not afraid of intimacy but I do find myself being quite afraid of “attachment”. So, yeah, that’s something I’ll be thinking about this week as well.

Cheers, happy Feb! xx

092b – new topics in life + gratitude

Every time something new comes up that I haven’t talked about too much on here, I experience new sorts of vulnerabilities. For example, I’ve started seeing someone more regularly over the last couple months and that’s brought up a lot of new questions, thoughts, feelings, etc etc in me.

That, in turn, made me realise that despite talking about SO many things with so much openness, there are still so many things that I don’t talk about, or hesitate before talking about.

Sex, physical intimacy, kink, these are some topics that I realised I’d like to talk to people more openly about. I used to think that I was the more “closed” one when it would come to these topics, and YET these days I find more people shying away from these topics even more than I do. Maybe it’s true for the Indian society, maybe my benchmarks were the ones that had been formed by my time away from India.

Monogamy and non-monogamy is the other thing that’s been occupying a lot of brain space. And while personally I’m okay with open questions taking their sweet time to find resolutions, obviously with other people in the picture, some of these questions do come with some time constraints, and I guess I have to be okay with that.

Being doing some research on the origins and advantages of monogamy and one of the primary considerations (advantage) it provides is definitely around child-bearing, raising etc. So it makes sense that I’m curious about non-monogamy because I’m also not sure whether or not want to bear (or even raise) kids.

Personally, the main aversion I feel from monogamy is the idea of being “tied to” one person. Honestly, emotionally, when I like someone I don’t feel the need to follow other curiosities. But I know from experience that other curiosities do come up as time progresses. And in those scenarios, I would just like to have more freedom to discuss them AND potentially explore and follow, if they’re strong.

Spending a lot of my time with books also. Enjoying that a lot.

I talked about love and learning earlier. I think February has been pretty great for both. If you find the right people these two things often come together, actually. I learn the best from people and if I can also find love in those dynamics (whether it’s romance or friendships or other dynamics), time-management becomes much easier. (As non-poetic as that may sound.)

Yeah, life’s pretty decent, I suppose. Not much to complain about at the moment. Pretty grateful for most parts. I’m just going to savour it all this week and not try to optimise it or “make it better”.

Why fix when not broken? Basically.

Alright that’s it from me. Hope y’all are having a safe and sound February! xx

092a – promises, caution and chatter

I don’t like making promises I can’t keep. But in the moment when you’re really enjoying time with someone I tend to say “let’s do this again” instead of “I’m having such a good time”. I guess I’d like to change this.

Which is why long distance friendships are sometimes so much easier to maintain. You meet someone for a weekend once a year and you get to tell them how much you enjoy time with them, you both know there isn’t much point in making plans for another few months. Even when you do talk about taking trips, it’s not as high stakes because you know it’s okay if you don’t execute these plans. And you can somehow trust that the other person knows it too. Then, if you do execute them— it’s a bonus.

But maybe the fear of disappointing others also comes from the very childlike “disappointed” part of me. Broken promises, maybe I still carry the hurt from them.

Now, I can trust that other people are adults too. Of course, I do want to be careful with my word. But things do change sometimes, we do say things a little impulsively. We can’t always stop ourselves. I am a little impulsive and I am a little moody but that doesn’t mean that I don’t mean the things I say. But sure, I can still afford to be a little more careful, overall.

Anyway, that’s a bit of thoughts and rambles and now I must make space for some chatter. Pretty occupied with social and family time till the first week of March and then there’s a music open mic coming up in the last week of March— would like to prepare seriously for that. By the end of March, I would also like to wrap up a a teaching project I had taken on a few months ago. I’ve been off and on with that and I’d like to see it through.

I completed 6-7 months in Delhi recently and I think I really like being here. Apart from the weather, most things are pretty good. I feel like there’s mostly a good amount of fun things going on (friends, family, hobbies etc) which is the primary reason I don’t feel like I need to think about geography too much. I’d like to be here at least throughout 2024 and then I can always recheck or reevaluate.

My most important task on a daily or weekly basis though is making enough time for myself and creative work. If I don’t do this, I end up discontent. As long as I keep writing and/or engaging with music or photography “enough”, I feel like things don’t get too bad.

Success for me is more good days than bad days and enough time for art and creativity and people I love and by that definition I’d say I’m pretty happy. Sleep has also been much better over the last couple weeks and I’m pretty grateful for that.

Alright I think that’ll be it from me today. Hope y’all have a good end to February! xx

091b – want to work on reactivity and patience

Last four days have been a lot.

How much time should we be spending with people whose values don’t align with us? Is love ever enough? If values don’t align and the people aren’t open to open, honest conversations about these things I’m starting to think that’s very high incompatibility. I’m talking about people related to family, of course. With friends or peers, (personally) it’s easier to put distance between the connection in such cases. In that case we also naturally tend to gravitate towards people with similar values. At least as adults.

I guess I’m recognising a set of people with whom my values don’t really align much and so I must now actually take some action to not put myself through the trials and tribulations of attempting to find middle ground on a regular basis. Maybe once a month meetings are enough.

Self-awareness is also key, I think. Only through self-awareness can one know what their values are and whether their actions, expression and behaviour are aligning with them or not. It’s okay if they don’t, it’s a difficult task, but I think it should be okay to talk about the gaps.

At the end of the day, talking about the gaps is what I often like to do but most people don’t want to talk about them. I don’t know. Need to find better framing and articulation for this.

I find myself getting reactive in debates and discussions, still, and I’d like to not be that way. EVEN IF the other person is the one who gets reactive first, I’d like to patient, slow, and I’d like to take my time to respond. I know this is a long journey but I’d like to try to be better with reactivity.

I don’t know if I have enough for 500 words today. I thought I did, but I spent a lot of time talking to my sister today morning which now leaves me with not much to process. Things are pretty okay, I suppose.

Pretty happy with my social circle and setup here, also happy with some of the routines that are not setup and have become somewhat automated. In terms of systems, I do want to work on things like organisation, cleanliness, decluttering (especially electronic and digital decluttering), but these are just vague ideas, I’m not sure what it is exactly that I’m trying to fix. Is it even broken? I don’t know.

I’m also happy with the kind of work, goals, wishes and plans I have for the next few months. Everything that I’m working towards are things I’m passionate about, and that feels quite amazing actually. I realise that I actually don’t mind doing the 10-20% of the “not so exciting” parts of a thing, when the thing itself is good enough.

“(How) can we teach inclusivity” is something that someone asked me the other day and I have a very strong belief that we can. This person was coming from a space of “we can’t, really” and that was our primary point of disagreement. Maybe I’ll think / write more about this.

Alright, that’s it from me today. Happy February, folks!

091a – content, grateful and ambitious

Back to Delhi. Back to thinking about work and projects. Kind of happy with all of it. Had a terrible flight back but all worth it. I think traveling is such a great way to get new input, data and feelings and gives me a lot of stimulus about things I naturally care about. Feeling pretty good about the frequencies that I know I like with traveling now.

I’d like to sleep by 2-2:30am which means that I’m time boxing this word vomit once again. What are the major things on my mind lately that I’d like to think about? Polyamory, physical intimacy, art, music, production, reading, giving up addictions, grooming, haircut, health related tasks, how much emotional bandwidth can I give to friends and family, how much work can I get done in Feb considering my sister’s visiting and I don’t get enough time with her throughout the year, yeah that’s about it I think.

I’m doing a freelance photography gig (event based thing) for some family this weekend and I’d like to do it well (more so) since I’m getting paid for it, would like to take some tips from people I know who’ve done this before. Editing etc is something I may need to do some research on. Actually kind of excited for this!

Lately I start writing a ton of word vomits but I never get past 200-300 words. I’m not very sure why. Is it really possible that I don’t have enough to process? Or do I have more people around me which allows me to process some things with them instead? I’m not sure, it’s likely the latter though.

Another thing I’ve realised is that I’m definitely more of a space taker than I used to think. Of course, I strive to be considerate and I’m also mindful of how much space I take, but I do take enough of it. Maybe therapy has helped with this too. I like it. I guess writing is also a good way to take a lot of space in the ways you need to. The page is the room you probably actually really need. But it’s a great room. It’s better than most rooms.

Art, safe spaces, mental health, suffering (reducing it if possible for myself and other people), being good— these are the things I really care about.

I’m also glad that I’ve made “niceness” and earnestness almost a pretty big part of my identity (or I’m slowly doing it) and it feels nice that when you stand up for it really strongly, most people don’t try to oppose it. In fact you also learn whether people do actually want to oppose it or not, and if so why etc. When you make claims that most people in theory agree with, but you do it gently, you are making space for questions they may not be brave enough to face themselves actually.

I also used to think I’m not hardworking or ambitious but it’s just that my energies were not being directed into the right things. I feel like lately they have been. So I suppose that’s what makes me happy and content.

090b – intimacy and travel

There is something about leaning on people that feels incredibly rewarding. Intimacy is magical and every time you do something tough in the journey (asking for what you need or want, or something you’d like, or canceling plans with consideration)— you know it can go either way. It can strengthen a connection and add more “events” (data) to it or it can weaken it. Both outcomes are okay but it’s always fun to see where it goes.

I have been spending most of my time in other people’s spaces and lives, and slowly but steadily I allow my life to merge in their spaces, that’s quite fun too.

Today I spent my afternoon in a good friend’s room, he’s moved out of it but some of “him” was still around. I send him a picture of his desk and tell him I’m having fun and he tells me where the trees are if I’d like to improve the view. It was all quite nice. His desk was dusty and yet the afternoon light made it all quite romantic for me. Dusty surfaces in otherwise mostly clean spaces are an interesting little detail to me.

I visited a very old friend in her house in a far-off neighbourhood in the city and I was reluctant to go there, but the trip was quite worth it. I like seeing residential spaces and how different people have different lives. We talked about everything under the sun and I wondered when we’d meet again. In the past we’ve gone many years without meeting and I’m pretty comfortable with that too.

I haven’t been doing as much writing as I’d like to be doing but maybe I’m changing that right now.

We talk about how “if you wanted to, you could write about anything, really” but something stops us, still.

All (okay, most of) my friends are analytical as well as creative and I love that about them.

I was more careful of my energy this time though and I’m quite glad about that. I felt like I was able to balance self-preservation and getting “enough” out of travels pretty well.

Headed to Bombay tomorrow and spending three days there and although I was feeling like I’m done with traveling, I’m finding that I am looking forward to meeting some people. Pretty excited about that.

Also did some good amount of “exposure therapy” over the last few days which I’m happy and content about.

Indulgences though, ah. Back to tapering down from it now, hopeful I can keep at it.

I think getting any new ideas and or art (or cultural expansion) from any sort of traveling makes the travel (or other activities) very worth it. We clicked a lot of pictures, had some good food, recounted old stories, wrote new ones, and that’s more than I could ask for, I suppose.

That’s 90K words! Glad to be here. Don’t think I’d like to get away from this habit, really. I like documenting things, I like noting down how I feel about events and things happening in my life. I do find myself going back to reading these from time to time, which I think serves a nice little purpose for myself too.

090a – indulgent february, need discipline again

I’ve had quite an indulgent week. Need to get back on track once I’m back to Delhi but choosing to write this word-vomit today so I can at least get one out of my 4-5 “healthy things I want to do” done. Have a few chores to do as well but I’m prioritising this. I’m going to time-box this so I don’t overthink it.

Was talking to sister yesterday about love etc. And how the healthy version of love now in my books does not equal devotion. Sure you might have moments of devotional feelings or a strong spiritual connection with someone but I don’t want to read into or take those feelings to be true.

How the healthy version of love doesn’t put the other person above my own self. I really want to be clear about these things before I enter any sort of a romantic relationship with anyone. Because once I get more intertwined enmeshed (and sometimes even codependent) all the rationality often goes out the window, at least for a bit. I want to make sure I have these things written down so I can come back to them when I forget how I like to “love” or be in love.

I was telling her that currently in my life there are two people I’m sometimes “really crazy about” and I’m actually pretty okay with that. These are my safe people. I can trust that I can be crazy about them and it won’t harm me. She asked me if I’m ever crazy about myself and don’t know actually. I know myself too well, I think. I do like myself a good amount on enough days but it’s hard to romanticise yourself.

Although I do have my moments, I won’t lie.

Addictions, emotions, thoughts, time and energy management is tough, I’m realising. Energy is definitely a limiting agent for me. I need to incorporate regular sleep and physical exercise so that it’s not SO challenging, as it has been this week.

[Todo] I’d like to engage more in photography again. And I’d like to join dance classes. And I’d like to learn music production also. Okay, there. I go back home and think about what to prioritise, if I can’t do it all. I think social is what I’ll need to cut, if I want to do more of these things. Maybe I’ll get social needs met from the activities themselves, potentially. Let’s see.

[Todo] I’m also reading and learning more about non-monogamy lately. I’m a little curious about it. Quite, actually. Need to carve out some more time for it.

Alright that’s it I think. This isn’t 500 words but ah well. Hope y’all are having a good start to February!