Category: Personal

062a – living as someone who’s infp, hsp but also has gad

#ifyouknowyouknow LOL (If these acronyms don’t make any sense that’s alright, they’re mostly just for myself)

I think I have a brain-voice and a body-voice, especially when it comes to writing. The more I can be in touch with the body-voice, the “better” my writing is (I think)— I don’t know what the exact quality is which makes it read better to me (I think there’s a better style, or flow)— but I know it’s better. 

But sometimes my brain-voice likes to vent too, and that’s fine but I wonder if I could differentiate what I’m feeling before I even start, so I can be a little more aware of how the write-up might come out. 

I think right now, it’s a mix. I meditated a bit before starting because I wanted to get in touch with my body-voice. 

I’ve been a bit sick for the last 2-3 days and it’s getting worse, which I’m quite upset about because it feels like I keep falling sick every month. 

Anyway, something on my mind lately is “high sensitivity”. I read about it a couple years ago (ie the “highly sensitive person” (HSP) trait) and although I related pretty strongly to it even then, it’s only over the last couple weeks I’ve been facing “too many feelings” as a problem, which led me back to this. Over the course of the last couple years, I’ve also recognised just how much of an effect loud sounds and crowds etc can have on me. Not just in terms of preferences, but really strong preferences, or almost needs. Additionally, because a lot of the symptoms of being an HSP overlap with my other “issue” ie my generalised anxiety disorder (GAD), I just attributed most of it to that. But I suppose HSP makes a lot of sense too since it’s not just heightened anxiety that feels like a lot lately, it’s a bunch of other feelings too (even the positive ones, actually). 

So, yeah, looking forward to reading more about how to cope with this, ie if there are things I can do which can help me focus on the strengths of being an HSP and work around the pitfalls/weaknesses. 

Recognising “too many feelings” as a problem is making me think about other little improvements I want to make as well. For example, I share a lot of art/work on socials but I don’t want to be continuously checking to see how it fares. It’s just too many feelings to navigate and I think holding off from checking for even 12-24 hours can help me avoid the whole thing altogether. Because I’m certain my attachment to the feedback will not be as strong a day after I share the thing. (At least on the internet). For example, the primary reason posting these posts is so easy is that I actually, genuinely don’t care too much if a post doesn’t get much engagement. (I’m happy when it does, but not too affected when it doesn’t). That is where I want to be with all pipelines. 

A post called “uninstalling copes” (or was it a book?) by @visakanv is coming to mind right now. I think along with art and creative work, uninstalling copes and emotional healing is also something I want to focus on for the coming phase of life. Ah right, it’s about addiction. Makes sense. 

Tl;dr: Sequence of events over the last couple months which can explain my mental/emotional state right now: 

  1. [May] quit job, move to India after 6 years of being outside (big change)
  2. [Aug] no job, move to my own place in delhi (big change, high anxiety) 
  3. [Oct] adaptation, settling in // tiny heartbreak/loss, quitting nicotine (lots of feelings) 
  4. [Oct] identifying as HSP, feeling called to creative work and (self) emotional healing 

Yeah, I think that probably summarises the last six months pretty well. Alright that’s it for now, I’ll write soon! 

Sources:
[1] https://www.verywellmind.com/highly-sensitive-persons-traits-that-create-more-stress-4126393 
[2] https://highlysensitiverefuge.com/

061b – on the long-term goal of healing and being more well-adjusted

Sometimes all you need (or want) is for someone to tell you “It’ll all be okay”. I’ve been feeling pretty shitty since the last couple days, but just now as I reached this conclusion, I do feel better. Like yes, I know from past experience that things do work out and things do feel okay, eventually, even if that “okayness” doesn’t come in the form you might have thought it will. 

Even though I’ve tried to be more action-oriented over the week, I still have this feeling that I’ve been spending way too much time in my head, I don’t know how to describe it exactly. 

Went for a poetry workshop/slam type thing yesterday and I feel like that really ended up overstimulating/overwhelming me. (It was great! And met some really cool people! So) Very fulfilling, but yeah I feel like these kind of events can end up becoming heavy sometimes. Especially if I already had too many feelings going into the thing. 

I think I’m still adjusting and getting comfortable with “Delhi”. I’d started feeling gloomy randomly around 6pm yesterday when I realised it was dark already and that it must be getting kind of cold outside (it’s started to get a bit chilly here). So, yeah, I think the adjustment can be a pain. No, it’s most definitely a pain. 

I think I’m at a decent state with the nicotine addiction now. It’s been a month and although I’ve had a couple slips, they didn’t end up being relapses, and I feel like mentally, I’m still okay with the concept, don’t feel the urges as often, and can mostly remind myself that I would hate to relapse— so, let’s not. 

But because life is still incredibly hard and I feel far away from being a self-adjusted individual, I know I need to seriously start thinking about which addiction to tackle next: ie my unhealthy sleeping habits, “thinking”, or caffeine. Sleep has definitely made life hell over the last couple days so ideally I should focus on this, even if it’s not fully resolved, if I can even make it a little better for the “short-term”, that could be nice. The other motivation to want to do this is that with the onset of actual winters, getting enough sun will not be easy, so needing a good sleep schedule will become extra important.

The lack of a “job” has started to feel a little heavy this week. But I feel like that’s just the resistance showing up, because this week has been mostly feeling a lot more motivated about spending time on creative work. And although I don’t deny that I’d want to find a day-job sometime next year as well, I don’t know why my brain wants me to “urgently” worry about it, when there’s no need to. So yeah, I think that’s the resistance. (“Resistance” as described in “Do The Work”)

Anyway, writing this down was nice and helpful. Hope your weekend starts off better than mine! 

061a – training

Training hard, training myself to live in the present more and more. Yesterday was a very packed day, I chose action and activity a lot more over “sitting and thinking and doing nothing”. Tiring, but satisfying, in most ways. It’s a little scary to realise that most people might already be living this way, naturally. That they might be so well-adjusted that they don’t have to “do” this? Deliberately? Eh, I know this line of thinking isn’t very helpful, but it’s alright. 

This week and the previous week has been more action-oriented, for sure, and I think it’s been good that way. Making stuff can be addictive though, and I do have a tendency to go all in, even at the cost of food, health, sleep, social needs and/or other healthy habits. Don’t want that for myself. Want to maintain balance even when I’m inspired and active with “work”. 

I’ve had a couple of really crazy nights, I think I had “trips” without any intoxicants, I’ve experienced some new feelings (mostly positive) over the last couple days, I don’t know whether I just thunk myself into this new territory or whether they were real, only time can tell, but it was interesting, at the least. 

Two conflicts remain though: 

  1. Can I (and how) spare 3-4 hours a week for social work? I really want to, but how much do I want to? It’s draining for sure, but it’s also an opportunity, and it’s work that’s aligned with my values, I think if I set a schedule it shouldn’t be tough. Let’s figure this out this week.
  2. Do “good” work and share it is the advice Austin Kleon gives in his book “Steal Like An Artist”. I’ve always believed you get good at something only by doing a ton of it. But even after that (let’s say after a certain units of said thing), how do you differentiate between work and “good” work? I’ve been focused on action, and I’m going to continue to do that for the next couple months, see how much capacity I have for even just “doing the work”, but at some point I’m also going to have to start thinking about how to focus on doing “good” work, I guess.
    Of course, would need to think more about what “good” even means. (To me, to him, to the world). Okay, it’s a fair concern, but a concern for future-me. 

Anyway, as I was going over this book again, two of my other worries were somewhat addressed. People, other people I mean, people who haven’t engaged enough with “multiple passions” I suppose, always keep telling me I need to focus on something if I want to “get somewhere”. But Austin says you don’t need to cut out any of your interests. In fact, it’s futile and counterproductive to do so. So, I’m going to trust him on that. 

The other thing which I’d been worried about (like I’ve mentioned in previous few posts as well) is the sharing aspect of creation. It’s tough not only because of the pipelines but also because sometimes the things you make/share don’t get enough engagement etc. But again, Austin (bless him lol) says that in the beginning, obscurity can be good. It keeps you free from pressure and expectations. You can experiment without thinking about it too much. So, yeah, I’m going to try to make the most of obscurity. If it ever lifts, great, if not, I still have everything I want.

Will end this with beautiful thoughts by John Kim: Give less fucks on what people think about you and where you should be in life and more (real) fucks on what you can do and how you can be present and be of service to yourself and the world. (I’ve modified these for myself but I’ve added a link to the post in case anyone’s look for motivation!)

060b – 60k words! + calling (pt1)

So you might think you’ve found your calling, what next? 

This is the main question I’m asking myself this week. 

Firstly, because my younger self left me with some decent advice, I’m going to outline some of the reasons and motivations around why I think art or creative work might be calling me. At least, right now. Some fears and worries and hesitations might show up too and I’m going to list those out as well, because they’ve been holding me back from embracing this over the last few months (and maybe even the last few years). 

So, why do I gravitate towards creating things if I’m left in a vacuum? 

  • Emotion management / release. This is primary. I think I have too many feelings almost always at the surface and if I’m not engaging with some form of expression regularly (ie daily, at least), then I’m dissatisfied, unhappy, and often overwhelmed. (OR otherwise I end up engaging unhealthier forms of “numbing” ie alcohol, nicotine, social media, etc). So, this is the healthiest and the most accessible form of emotion management that I have for myself. 

  • Presence + Joy. These activities (writing, music, doodling, photography, dancing, etc etc) are the most “satisfactory” and “joyful” methods of being present, for me. Aside from maybe talking to people I really enjoy talking to, where our energies can resonate.

  • Collaboration. These are also the things I find joy in collaborating with people over. Especially music (I haven’t done a lot of collaboration wrt other forms yet)

  • Connection and impact. It’s incredibly fulfilling when people tell you they connect with whatever you put out there. It’s a different way of feeling seen AND making someone feel seen at the same time. People have sometimes told me that some of the art I’ve shared has been healing for them as well, and I care a lot about that kind of impact. 

Yep, I think that pretty much captures it. 

Now, I feel some of the hesitations and fears cropping up, so let me jot those down: 

  • I’ve romanticised artists, and I just think I want to “be” an artist, and I might not be truly motivated by the doing in and of itself. 
  • I know had the creative streak in me as a kid, but it started getting fleshed out more only post 12/13. If I truly liked art then why wasn’t I doing enough of it during peak childhood? (ie from ages 7/8-13)? Isn’t this the time most people (given peaceful childhoods) are experiencing what they truly like to engage with? I used to engage a lot more with science, so why’s it the case that I don’t like the sciences anymore? 

I don’t think I can address these fears, really. All I can tell myself is that maybe people change, or maybe people have multiple sides in them. Maybe it’s futile to think your “true calling” is a single thing. Maybe right now this is what I’m curious about, and that’s fine. Maybe science (ie engineering) just got a little too tough for me, and maybe my creative side was just feeling starved. Maybe if I feed it enough I’ll have both these parts of me balanced and secure, and then I can see what’s louder. Or maybe I don’t have to pick. When it’s time to find jobs (ie a few months from now, for sustenance), maybe I can think about this then. 

And I am moving through life now with more awareness than I did as a kid (I think). (Side question: What is the difference between presence and awareness?) 

Feeling a little dissatisfied with this post though, I suppose maybe because I didn’t really address the “What Next” question. But I’ll continue this tomorrow or later this week. Feeling a little tired at the moment. 

But, 60K words! Kind of cool 🙂

060a – making things vs sharing things

It’s all quite painful. But sometimes I genuinely think I’m meant to feel so much (especially the negative emotions) so that it can fuel my creative work. Which is also something that I think I’m meant to do. 

A lot of the creative results/outcomes I’m truly proud of have really come out from moments of deep suffering. I don’t think I can yet come up with melodies without feeling deep pain or deep negative emotions. I hope this changes though. I really want to work on making more original music (I don’t know why, yet) and I wish I can do that even without so much pain.  

Brain-chatter around “motivations for making art” have been at all a time high. 

Lately I feel really called to music and writing. 

Most of the time, I’m happy to “just be creating”. I’m happy to just be making things. Whether it’s a blog-post or a song cover or even doodles, surprisingly enough. However, I’m spending 20-30% of my active brain-power on the question around sharing the stuff that I make. 

The sharing aspect is not something I enjoy very much. 

With writing however, it’s low overhead, this blog is pretty easy to manage, and the more artsy write-ups sometimes even end up on Instagram, and overall it’s easy. 

With music though, the overheads are pretty high. Recording stuff just takes so long, and for some reason I don’t enjoy it very much. Add to that the engagement on my music account has been pretty low lately, so that then adds certain amount of negative feelings and you have to regularly keep recovering from it to continue to keep posting. 

Sometimes I think it’s okay if I don’t share the things I make right away as well. For instance, I wrote a bunch of poetry around three years ago which I shared with friends at the time, but I only started sharing it at open-mics and on socials a few months ago. And it felt.. okay. Almost right. Like it was finally time for it to be shared. And it’s also saying something that if you look at something you wrote three years ago and still felt like sharing it, that’s good signal for yourself too. 

I also think maybe I have certain icky feelings around the sharing aspect because parts of it overlap with the “how can I monetise my art” aspect and I’m just not ready to address that question yet. 

This helps for now. It’s almost 6 am, so I must attempt to sleep. 

059b – weekly updates and open questions

Last week was a busy week. It was a decent week, though. Lots of ups and downs— but lots of rich moments and experiences, so that’s been nice. A good amount of movement on small tasks and things I’ve been wanting to do for a while now, so that feels great. 

However, I’m a little tired of all evaluative aspects of my life. Or the fact that I’m approaching all aspects of my life with an evaluative lens (maybe because I feel like I need to “figure things out”). I think the most confusing part of life is work and career. I feel pulled in many directions and a part of me knows picking something can be important to “move” but part of me is also not okay with giving up certain things. 

Although I told myself last week that I’m NOT actually pulled in too many directions, ie it’s manageable if I don’t want to give up any of them yet, I think I get triggered when something new inspires me in a way that I feel like acting upon it immediately. Basically, I get triggered when something (a new piece of information, event, experience, stimulus etc) makes me question or doubt my prioritisations that I may have done. What does this mean for me? I suppose it just means that I go over why I’ve currently prioritised tasks/projects the way I have and then just trust that reasoning. And then treat new piece of stimulus as important enough to maybe “make a note of” but then not go into a reprioritisation exercise every-time I do get triggered. 

I guess there’s still a lot more scope for action over thinking on a daily basis. That’s essentially where the dissatisfaction is coming from. Even if I need to reflect or “think”, I should only be doing it in the written / journal / notes form. Thinking within my brain is definitely not helping me at all. In fact, it’s starting to become a major blocker / time-sink. 

Open Questions / Todos: 

  • Reflections on art and in what ways I like to engage, are there limits? Can I add 1-2 hours of structured learning a week so that I can make more progress on the skills I want to improve on? Should these skills only be pursued if I aim to “make” something out of them (ie a career) or can I trust that learning for the sake of learning is fine too? 
  • I’ve been thinking that I want to start looking for part-time jobs or internship opportunities probably in Jan / Feb. Does that feel okay and if not— why? 
  • I’ve been wanting to make a short trip to a hilly destination for a while now but haven’t been able to make this a priority yet.. though I’m not sure why. So yeah I suppose I should prioritise this now.

  • I’ve been giving 3-4 hours a week to volunteer work, but it’s been a bit draining and I’ve had more requests come to me. I do want to continue to do this though, so I need to figure out a way that I can plan this better so it can be a little easier on me.

059a – values exploration (pt 1)

A while ago I discovered a values-exercise by the New Happy (which is a venture (??) I really admire) and I’ve been meaning to get to this for a few weeks now. Did a first iteration of the exercise but I’m not feeling fully settled with what I have. Want to explore this dissatisfaction through writing.

Here’s my top 10 values: 

  • Faith 
  • Courage
  • Learning 
  • Authenticity 
  • Choice 
  • Compassion 
  • Gratitude 
  • Kindness / Love (I’ve clubbed these because I think that’s okay) 
  • Health 

I was super confused about what should take the last spot but these were the ones I found appealing: Peace/Art/Balance/Nature/Enjoyment 

One that I’ve rejected (this didn’t even make it in my top-20) was Stability. But every time I have an anxious night or an anxious day I wonder if I should make it a value. So, okay, this is the first time I’ve had more of a medium-long-term “unstable” period in my life anyway. Which means that I don’t know whether Stability is a value I need (want) in my life or not. So, I suppose I can give myself more time ie 6-8 months to hopefully have an answer there. 

Currently, when I distilled my top-10 to top-5, I came up with this: 

  1. Authenticity (This is the only one I’m a 100% confident about) 
  2. Gratitude 
  3. Kindness / Love 
  4. Health  
  5. Learning 

This actually feels okay. Accepting that I don’t know enough about myself yet is also fine. Putting it in words, ie what it is exactly that I don’t know helps a lot too.  

There’s of course the research to keep in mind too, the resource mentions that research tells us that the values that are most likely to make us happy fall in the following categories: achievement, stimulation, self-direction and benevolence. Which means that if I want to trust the research only, I might not actually need “Stability” as a core value if “happiness” is what I want to maximise in life. 

What feels unsatisfactory so far is if these values are enough for me to have a life/lifestyle that’s exciting enough for me. The short answer is they can be. I can still pursue enjoyment, fun, excitement and all the jazz but just not at the cost of these things. Right? I think so. Let’s see. Feeling some blockers here. Like I’m listening to some “shoulds” as opposed to just what is. 

I think I’m also conflicted between wanting a “happy” life and an “easy” life. Because of my generalised anxiety and my experience with the lows in the past, maybe I’ve convinced myself I want an easy life. But the truth is (I think), I don’t think an easy life can necessarily be the happiest life. It might cause some dissatisfaction down the line. So, yeah this might be worth thinking about more. Where do I want to operate on the easy-difficult spectrum to maximise my position the happiness-sadness spectrum? (Ah, good one.)

Okay, enough to think about. Will continue this exploration another time!

058b – movement 

It’s been a rough couple weeks. I wrote in the last post that there are a lot of parts of my life that I feel aren’t working, and that changes need to be made. I think, even though the things that I’ve had to “change” or the process of the change has been quite painful, I think it’s all for the best. 

I’ve decided to quit nicotine and it’s already been two weeks, and I think it can stick. I’m reading Allen Carr’s Easy Way to Stop Smoking to help me with this and I think a lot of the things in it make sense. The whole idea is to cut the desire at the root. We always try to escape the craving but the whole point is to really examine the craving and be okay with sitting with it. I’d been trying to do some of that by myself too but I think having external guiding material is much more effective. The other thing that helps it the regular reinforcement of how the craving is genuinely a bit of a false craving. We think nicotine is pleasurable but apparently it only feels pleasurable because it kills the withdrawal caused by the previous round of it in our body (or mind). 

Parallely, the task of moving on from a romantic interest has also been thrust upon me. (I underplay this, she was more than a romantic interest, I think.) But.. I think it’s fitting that I’m quitting two things at once. It’s kind of similar, isn’t it? I mean, even though I know that one comes from a more genuine place (ie, heart, soul, etc), I think that aspect of like/love isn’t that hard to deal with. It’s the addictive part that’s harder to deal with. 

So overall, with both the things it’s about cutting the desire(s) at the root. I think I’ve been coping pretty healthily. Talking to friends, journaling, using music as an outlet, all good things. Only food is suffering a bit so I need to make the healthier choices when it comes to that, and I will, from tomorrow. (Yes, yes, I know “from tomorrow” is the classic avoidant phrase, but I really will). 

A close friend is moving to Delhi and I’m really excited to have him around. I’ve been feeling a lack of social support/circle overall and it’ll be nice to have a bit of an addition to my existing people. 

Finally got a couple really big house-tasks done and that’s been a major stress-reliever. There’s a lot more to do (I guess there always is), but I’m trying to lean towards action as much as possible. I think it has to be done regularly, ie the choice to pick action over thinking, it has to made regularly, in majority of the moments. (For me, at least, since I err on the side of overthinking). 

(Side realisation: I used to dislike the word “overthinking”, because I thought it implies judgement, and maybe it does, but I’m getting less defensive about it. And I’m accepting that yes, there is a difference between thinking and overthinking, the same way there’s a difference between processing and rumination. There’s definitely limits needed to “thoughts”. For many of us, I’m sure). 

Anyway, good stuff. I feel myself growing. (This is hilarious but I genuinely feel it AH)

Alright, let’s go October xx

056b – blocked or directionless?

I think I’ve been resisting a lot. Moments, feelings, thoughts. Resistance makes everything so much tougher than it needs to be. What am I feeling, really? 

Right now, I think I do feel some amount of boredom, lack of motivation. I do feel a pressure to “do”, in a specific direction. In a direction that might feel justifiable to the brain. But I’m tired of my brain ruining my life. I’m tired of my brain constantly asking for attention. When it’s my body, my heart and my soul that I want to give more of my attention (and awareness to). So, okay, maybe the resistance was present for a reason. Maybe the resistance was coming from my body, and not from brain. Maybe my body knows that we don’t want to give in to the brain right now. The brain acts like a dictator at times, maybe the resistance was a combined protest. 

I’m actually also feeling blocked by an Amazon pickup scheduled for “sometime” today. They haven’t really given me a specific time and generally somebody comes by before this time in the day. I need to take a shower and get on with life, but this thing has been blocking me since the afternoon. 

I wish I could understand my cravings better, how they shift from one to another. How different addictions play against (or with) one another. 

Adulting and surviving has been quite tough lately. I need to start “living” more again. I think the weather has been a major blocker to everything. I just feel so bogged down by the tiny but very many problems in and around me. 

Okay, gratitude and positives: I have a vocals lesson coming up in a couple hours which I’m definitely looking forward to. I also like the walk back home from the place, so that’ll be nice. I can also practice drums a little bit if I can get there earlier. 

Hoping the weather improves a bit over the next couple weeks, so I can try going out more during the day. 

I think I’m definitely observing large amounts of the need of “control” over everything in life. It’s just so difficult for me to “let go” of things and let them take their course. I want to get better at surrendering to moments. 

The thing that’s been helping the most is this book I started reading called Conversations on Love. It has a lot of helpful perspectives and different philosophies that can be applied even outside the context of love. The thing that’s helped the most so far is an introspection of “longing” as a feeling, which I do often struggle with. 

Since I’m actually struggling with this right now as well, I’ll try to write some quick thoughts on longing: wanting something different than what you have, feel or are right now. Often, it’s unexplainable why you want the present moment to be different than what it is. 

For me, currently it comes from an overarching feeling of lack of direction in life. Though I don’t think it’s completely true that direction is lacking. It’s maybe just enough, yet. Like there’s some presence of direction, but maybe I want more of it. Like a stronger presence of it. 

I don’t know, maybe today’s a little like walking a bit in different directions but finding each path blocked, so I keep returning to take a new path. But I keep coming back. That’s the main problem. Anyway, maybe this wasn’t completely futile.

056a – discipline and work-ethic

Four months of being in India. And a month of being in my new place. I think the place isn’t very good, like vibes are great, but the amount of dust in the house is definitely a major issue. Might need to get a deep cleaning done. But now I’ve committed to being here for a year, so let’s see how that goes. 

Music stuff is top priority for September, I’m tired of just saying this to myself over and over. Really need to get on with it. But my throat’s been hurting for the last couple days so I can’t really be too hard on myself. 

Going through a mini-heartbreak, but all said and done, it could have been much worse, so I think I’ll bounce back quickly enough from this. 

Trying to get some movement on my todo list which has been pretty static for the last couple weeks. If I can get even a couple tasks done a day, I’ll be good. But so far I’ve not been able to manage that.

I was feeling a little sad today at the realisation that I might have a decent amount of talent and passion, but I seriously lack discipline and work-ethic. I don’t know, I think I used to be better (on this vertical) even until grad school and first year of work, it’s all been downhill since then. Of course, I’ve also made other developments, like with more anxiety and stress, my “need” (or want) to be disciplined etc had gone down as well. ie I remember a strong decline in “wanting” traditional forms of success and achievement and in general a decline in ambition which I thought I was fine with. But maybe at some point the pendulum swung too far. 

Yeah, if I rate my work ethic as an 8/10 until early 2020, I’d say it declined quite a bit during the pandemic, and then a harsh breakup, followed by a long anxiety-depression period. I’d say it was down to a 6/10 during most of 2022. And then of course a major part of 2023 has been an attempt to just be absent from this evaluation altogether, so I think I can safely ignore these thoughts around inadequacy ie if they’re stemming from evidence collected only over the last few months. I was literally on a break. 

If I think I’ve had enough of a break, and I want to work towards building my work-ethic again, I can try that. I can try being “serious” in September and see if that feels better. 

Started reading attached because my anxious attachment symptoms have been showing up a lot lately. I’ve heard mixed reviews about the book (ie too pop-culture-y etc) but so far I’ve been liking it. It’s also quite affirming in some ways. 

Things are mostly okay otherwise. Hope September is better than August!