Uncategorized – untitled atm

110a – unhappy with the world

It’s only ten days into February but already a lot seems to have happened. Y and I celebrated a year of being together and that was super fun. We both ended up making a lot of hand-made gifts etc so it was really nice to be involved with all that for a few whole days. On 4th though we ended up consuming a very high dosage of cbd/thc edibles which led to an incredibly terrible experience, albeit a major learning one.

I just realised yesterday that it’s such a privilege to have even a few people who read this regularly. I was thinking about a friend of mine who genuinely reads most of my posts and it feels so nice to be seen and known. I feel like if I talk about a thing ten times it also makes it so clear to the people I know how I really feel about said thing. I suppose it can be hard to remember sometimes but this blog helps really drive some points home.

Ooh, I finally decided to go ahead and book the damn flights to the US. Despite the dread, I am super excited to see my sis and my nephew! I’ll plan ahead a bit this time and attempt to make the flights more bearable, but let’s see.

I’ve been playing a lot of Colonist lately (again) but it seems like I may have lost my edge— I’m losing a lot, lol.

I’d like to get back to work sometime soon, the financial anxiety keeps eating at me. But I’m not a 100% sure if I’m like desperate enough to do “anything” or whether I still have preferences about what kind of work I want to do. I think, the latter.. but then the financial anxiety eats at me too.

It feels like everyone who’s in tech just wants to do AI related things, and I feel like I just can’t get myself to be onboard with it. Everything about AI related tools and hacks and solutions goes against the core of what I like— ie enjoying the process, enjoying the micro-work. How are people enjoying this? What is this all about? I don’t get it. Why is productivity and efficiency and optimisation the goal? I mean I get it, I kind of do, of course if you’re a business you’d want to increase efficiency and optimisation, but ugh.. I don’t “really” get it. I suppose I just don’t vibe with capitalism anymore. (Or late stage capitalism, as some people have told me, which is the version of capitalism that has completely ruined some of our lives).

There’s very few companies that I can actually see myself working for, everything else is just something I can’t get onboard with, yet. I hate the idea of “marketing myself”, I absolutely hate it. Perhaps this means that I should focus on skill building so that eventually I can start something of my own. If it’s mine, I can run it the way I want, and perhaps I’ll even see the benefits of AI, then.

Sorry, this got quite venty, though I’m pleased, because sometimes I don’t vent enough because there’s a part of me that feels the urge to do “research” before I vent. But then that stops me from expressing any thoughts and opinions at all. So, yeah. There it is: I detest late-stage capitalism, the current job market and more than everything else, I detest what AI seems to be doing to the world.

Hope y’all are well, xx

107a – do whatever you want

Went back on a commitment today. It feels quite terrible, my inner critic makes me feel like I’ve committed a crime, almost. I thought about it a lot, but I do have my reasons. I’m just not feeling it. I remember feeling the same way when the context has been that of romantic relationships. I remember going on two, three dates with someone and then wanting an out— it used to feel shitty as fuck. God forbid if it were more than three dates.

Why does changing my mind make me feel so shitty? Or, even if it’s somewhat shitty in a romantic context, it’s not as shitty in a professional context, is it? I want to believe that it’s okay to do this as long as I communicate well with the other party. And I am— I’m doing that.. and yet?

I guess there’s some aspect of FOMO and the idea of “burning bridges” involved. Like the idea that if you let an opportunity go by, it’ll come back to bite you. And maybe that’s true.. but how can I do something that I just don’t feel like doing? Not until I have to, not until it’s survival mode, I guess.

There are other things that I want to do. I want to focus on them. I want to remind myself that I can do decent work when my heart is in it. Like this word-vomit, for example. I feel really attuned to myself when I write and when I own up to my feelings.

The shitty of going back on a commitment is nothing compared to the sad I feel when I allow a “should” to walk over me. The should of “grabbing opportunities”, the should of “paying my dues”, the should of “work and productivity”, the should of “let’s just get out there”, the should of “I’m wasting my time otherwise” etc etc.

I’ve done (and completed) other things despite anxiety and resistance, so I cannot allow my inner critic to tell me that I don’t do anything.

Well, I guess this is it. Have to feel the regret and remorse of actions and feelings. Have to come back to myself, repeatedly, regardless of how tough it feels in the moment. Hopefully, tomorrow I’ll be happy that I did this. Tomorrow I’ll be happy that I have my day to myself.

What am I going to do now? I’m going to make some plans for tomorrow and the week onwards, and then I’ll figure out dinner.

Anyway, that’s it. Hope you’re having a better day than I am, folks! xx

104a – i want to be better at making decisions (faster)

It’s 2:30 am and I need to sleep soon. Too many thoughts swirling around in my head though which means I need to journal. Didn’t get to process my day very well so here I am. Today feels like it was a little bit surreal. I made a cool connection and I kind of feel proud of how it happened. I followed my gut over something and it resulted in something real.

I’m talking to someone about a job (internship, really) but it pays next to nothing for a good amount of time.. but I’m still curious about it. Would it make sense to go for it (since I can afford it, yes) or would it be kind of stupid to try it out.. I’m not sure. I need to sleep over it for a couple days. But I also know that if I let this marinate for too long it’ll lose steam. I guess like always it’s worth thinking about what are the fears around it.

Fears:

I don’t end up liking the work (That’s okay, I tried something and found it wasn’t for me)
I regret doing free work (It’s not completely free, maybe I gain something out of it anyway)
I regret “wasting a month” (But really, it wouldn’t be a waste I suppose)

I suppose it makes sense to go ahead and do it. It’s not like they need me for a full 40 hours, so the deal in that way does work for me. It’ll get me out of the house, and I suppose I can also make time for other things while I’m at the place.

The people seemed quite genuine, which seems like a big plus— because one of the big problems of working in the corporate culture is of course that you don’t always get authenticity around you. That could be a major plus in a work environment.

It fits well enough into my story, I think. Maybe I can do it for the plot, maybe that’s okay too. What is a month in the grand scheme of five years? Nothing, I suppose. Or I can ask for a trial period of 2 weeks too, maybe that is something that could work.

I’ll give myself until Friday to decide and then that’s it, no mulling over it.

Family time did end up triggering me a bit today, but it was still kind of nice to see everyone. Whatever, I guess.

I’ve been applying for some technical writing roles too quite extensively, thinking it could be a good fit for me considering I do miss “tech” again a bit and I still do love writing. Plus, I’ve always found a lot of joy in being able to describe “complicated” things/concepts in simpler words ie I’ve always found joy in increasing and widening accessibility of a complex/inaccessible thing. So thinking it’s worth trying out.

Anyway that’s it on September updates. I’ll catch yall on the flippety flip.

057b – need a break from constant evaluation and thoughts (read: anxiety)

August and September have been hard. I think truly, the “adjustment” to India began only in August. Living by myself is the only way I can really compare different locations and so May-July didn’t really give me the signal I needed. And boy, living by myself here is definitely hard. Safety (and associated things) is the core problem. Weather is second. Everything else I can still cope with. Or tolerate at least, for the good things.

Anxiety has been way too high. I think January-May was a relatively low anxiety period despite everything, because I’d “made the decision” to move, so I was essentially just enjoying life. May-July was okay as well. Lately I’ve been feeling really scattered, anxious, emotionally fragile, dependent, all sorts of things. I might need to consult my psychiatrist and get back on meds soon. Might help with the next few months.

Even though I have gained some clarity with respect to the question “how do I like to spend my time”, action is still something that proves to be tough on a daily basis.

I think I’m also tired of the “evaluative” thought-process that’s been constantly occurring in me over the last few months. With geography, with the things that I do, with relationships, everything. I really want to just be more present. Like sure, you have bad days and good days, or you have good things and bad things in most days, doesn’t always have to mean something. Yes, I’m doing some data collection but that’s not all I’m doing. Living is primary, capturing signal from living is secondary. And it will be subconscious, I don’t have to actively do it everyday. Reflection is important and I can keep regularly making space for it but I can’t keep reflecting while I’m experiencing. Might need to look a little more into the how of this.

I’ve also been a little unwell but it’s been tough to be easy on myself, because I’ve been so easy on myself over the last few months. I feel like that’s not fair and I shouldn’t have to “make up” for enjoying life but there’s definitely two parts in me that have been fighting on this quite a bit.

To summarise:

[Ick] How to take a break from constant evaluation and reflection, while life is happening? Ie how to be more present and in the moment?

[Ick] How to build more emotional resilience?

[Task] Schedule a session with my psychiatrist, maybe get back on anxiety meds

[Yum] The clarity wrt my creative outlets still persists and I’ve started vocalising it more in front of people as well, so that’s nice.

Alright that’s it from me. Intention for the week is to go easy on myself, hope y’all will do the same with yourselves!

057a – some clarity

It’s been a difficult week. Anxiety has been super active, and I’ve found that it likes to focus most on two subjects: career and love.

The interesting thing to realise is that my anxiety doesn’t focus on geography as much lately. (I think this could be a sign that India is working well for me, potentially. However, I know that it could be conditional on the fact that I have kept my daily frustrations minimised to a high level. I think I do feel more number of smaller, daily frustrations here and yet feel more of a long-term overall groundedness. But if the frustrations were more for any reason, there is potential for that to rock that feeling of overall stability, of course).

re: career

I’ve gotten more clarity on this as well. I’ve found that music and writing are the two forms of creative expression that I gravitate most towards (for various reasons which I know very well but don’t need to list out here). I can legit sit at home and play, sing and learn music all day, and that’d keep me at peace and also happy and also satisfied, fulfilled. If I were living in a vacuum, I’d probably continue life the way it has been over the last couple months for at least another couple years. But because we live in a society, and money is a thing, I’m thinking I’ll start looking for part-time, remote jobs (what kind, I don’t know yet) starting January. This would still allow me to continue to spend on creative pursuits, I think. And then I can always reevaluate.

I also think I’m not a big fan of the term “career”. I don’t think I’ll be working on building another career, so to speak. I’m probably more aligned with the idea of jobs, yes, when you need money, and otherwise of course spending your time meaningfully is important, and for me that meaning can be derived from the little things. In the current phase of my life, majority of my “work”-time would be devoted to creative expression, whether or not I share the results with the world or not. It’s what allows me to best explore my inner world (and maybe even the external world), and it’s what gives me the most joy and meaning. Whether or not it’s enough for long-term satisfaction is something I’ll probably know with more time, but for now this is enough.

re: love

I’m learning to focus more on the present, as opposed to worries about the future. This is obviously valid for life in general too, but can sometimes really show up with relationships and dating stuff. I’m learning to work on some of my anxious-attachment symptoms, therapy has been super helpful with all of this. I’m learning to listen to my body and my gut as opposed to my mind. My mind is very loud, tuning into the body is often the only thing that helps me be closer to what I really want.

Time to head out for my vocals lesson. Cheers!

044a – jetlag, first impressions

Jetlag is real. And not great. I thought I finally beat it earlier but I guess not. I’m up at 4am, though I did catch around 5 hours of sleep, I wish I’d been able to sleep a little longer. I don’t know whether it was my brain or the rest of my body that woke me up today, but I’m not going to think too much about it. I have a relatively early morning thing anyway, so maybe I’ll just stay up for the rest of the day.

The week is slowly coming towards an end, and it’s been quite interesting, to say the least. The last week was probably one of the hardest weeks of my life. Moving was quite.. a lot. Both logistically and emotionally. And of course, it was followed by many “Oh god what have I done”s for almost two days after I’d landed here in Delhi. Surprisingly, talking to mom helped the most. I hadn’t really been able to lean on her for any emotional support over the last couple months, so that was a nice surprise.

Anyway, there’s a lot of good things to note. I’m realising the “break” part of things (ie the freedom from work) does feel good. I’m also realising I don’t really lack motivation or energy, just focus (ie big picture stuff) essentially. I’m decent at focusing on “an activity” for a few hours when I’m doing it.

Something I don’t enjoy at all is texting. For example, I really need to make new friends, talk to more people to collaborate with them, but ugh I hate the texting part, maybe I can (should) ask them to switch to calls instead.

I’m definitely afraid of the logistical things here. I don’t know whether I’ll be able to learn to drive here or not, I went for practice with my sis today and it was okay, doable, but I don’t know if I can do it alone. It’s quite tough. But I want the option. I want the ability. Let’s see.

Overall though, it’s nice to be among family and friends. Something I missed while living in Amsterdam was getting to hang with kids. (I had some family in San Francisco so I was still getting some quality time with my nieces, which was nice) but in Amsterdam this was completely missing. My sister and I went to meet a family friend of ours today and they have a 10-year-old son, and it was really nice to talk to him for a bit! He’s super sharp and really interesting to talk to.

I’m going for a backstreet boys concert tonight, lol. I’ve literally only heard two songs of theirs, so we’ll see how that goes.

043b – checking your privilege & other confusing phrases

Over the last few months, I’ve felt an increased responsibility towards giving back to the society. This came through a variety of sources, the primary being a book called “All about Love” by Bell Hooks, where she talks about how the western society doesn’t believe in wealth sharing, etc. (She said it better, I don’t remember the whole thing).

It’s also come up in discussions between friends, discussions related to privilege and what it really means to “check your privilege”. We don’t really understand this phrase, but our hunch is it means to be aware of your privilege. And I think, fortunately, most people around me are somewhat aware of it.

It also came up because I recently decided to take a break from work and do nothing. Which, as a friend pointed out to me (though I already knew this), is something very few people can afford to do.

A couple years ago, I’d discovered this beautiful tool: https://howrichami.givingwhatwecan.org/ — you can basically input your annual income and it tells you how rich you are, globally. It’s really impressive, clean and concise.

I’m currently unemployed, but while I was earning, I was basically in the top 3%, globally. (And 1% when I was in the US). So, yeah, privilege. Anyway, now that I finally had some mental bandwidth, I signed a pledge!

Of course, a discussion about privilege would be remiss without me mentioning the areas I’m not privileged in: I’m a woman of colour, I’m queer (now living in India), and I have an anxiety disorder (GAD).

However, here’s the crazy part: I’ve found that it’s easier to accept these things (ie what’s not good) when you accept what is good. And it’s easier to accept how privileged you are when you’re not feeling guilty about it.

So, the simplest way to accept your wealth privilege? See how significant it is. And if that clarity calls you to do something about it, that’d be awesome. If and when you do donate, feel free to be happy and vocal about it. I firmly believe that the whole “donations shouldn’t be talked about or should be more under the radar” school of thought is not necessarily helpful. If being vocal about sharing your wealth makes you more likely to share it, I think that’s okay.

Share your fortune, folks! Spread the love.

038a – food as a language

Our conversation at work often revolves around food. I think this was true back in San Francisco too but I wasn’t as present during that time period when I was really getting to know my colleagues over lunch. But here it’s been better (from my end). I feel present, I’ve also gained a better understanding and view of dishes and cuisines from around the world so I suppose I feel a bit more confident and at ease participating in these conversations.

Today was another such day. And it got me thinking about how food is such an amazing medium to get to know someone and their culture. Sometimes I still can’t believe how for the first 20-something years of my life I didn’t have a good appreciation for food. Of course, I liked some food items a lot and didn’t like certain things, I wasn’t without my preferences. But I never thought about the what’s and the why’s. And definitely never really stopped to appreciate how delicious and sensually fulfilling food can be.

My ex-boyfriend was a true foodie (before it was “cool”), and I can never really fully articulate how glad I am for this aspect of him (among others too).

This introductory food appreciation stint was followed by me moving out of India, and that was definitely much different. Little did I know how the pastas and pizzas I was so used to eating back in India were so different from what you got in New York, or San Francisco, which themselves were so different from what you’d get in Italy. Of course, there’s still so much I haven’t tried but I’m more open now, more curious about it. Because I’m also seeing the benefits.

One aspect of food discourse that I enjoy is seeing how certain ingredients are common across various cultures (and not just geographically adjacent ones), and I’d be really interested to learn more about how geography and climate play a role into this as well.

But one thing I think I only fully realised today is that while I’ve often seen really well-produced food shows or videos by really talented people on the internet which are super-duper informative and enlightening.. it’s nothing compared to how much you learn (and retain) when you actually share a physical space with someone.

Or maybe someone talking to me in detail about food preferences is just intimate to me. And maybe it’s got nothing to do with cultural expansion and everything to do simply with — feeling seen.

031b – welcome, september

Humans don’t provide much comfort today, so here I am again. Have to get over more feelings I recently acquired. Vulnerability doesn’t feel easy either. Friends are good, nice, magical even, but things are hard still. Art is nice, helpful, magical even, but things are quite difficult anyway.

Been watching this show called Normal People and Hulu and it’s probably one of the best, most beautiful things I’ve seen on TV. Pretty emotionally intense, to the point that it can even become hard to watch sometimes, but man did they do a good job on it.

Life is a little tough lately, the matters of the heart have come around to bother me once again. I will be spending the next few weeks attempting to get over someone. Once again, I find myself wishing that feelings were easier, though I know that wouldn’t achieve anything. I want time to pass faster because I’m hoping it’ll do its thing, but I also don’t want it to – for multiple reasons, one simply being that I only have a few more months here in the States.

I spoke to an ex on call after a few months today, and if I’m being honest it made me feel really good – mostly because I realized how, given enough time, feelings do pass, and eventually you’re able to see people as simply friends, or people, regardless of how strongly you might have felt about them at a point in time.

I have 1.5 days of the long weekend still left with me, I’d like to catch up on chores and some housework before Tuesday arrives – things have been pending for quite a few weeks now. I also wanted to work on some music stuff, but unable to find the inspiration for it. I know the lyrics are decent and the melody for the verse is pretty decent too, just haven’t been able to figure out how the chorus should go. Ah well, should probably treat it with a little more respect and just sit down at my desk to work on this, rather than hoping that it’ll come to me in my sleep or something. Also want to make some travel plans for the end of this month. And as usual, need to follow up on some emails. Wow, this might just be turning into a verbose todo list.

Anyway, love (or lack thereof) is hard. I miss having constant friends (people) around. At this age people move around so quick, or they keep traveling, or they’re just busy. Everyone’s seems to be living in the abundance mindset, maybe I need to as well. My smoking addiction is off the charts – noting it down here so I have some accountability. Maybe I should get a vape to transition into quitting. Sleep’s been much better though.

Clearly haven’t written in a while since 500 words is getting hard to reach. I know it’s not a big deal but I’ll try to be regular again (for myself, of course). Happy September!

030a – sleep schedules and the need to feel seen

All right! I’m awake at 5pm on a Saturday, well-rested and feeling good after a while. A couple of friends have recommended fixing my sleep-schedule now, and while a little annoying, I do know they have my best interests at heart. Also, the fact that people my age are really swearing by it and thinking it’s something really worth fixing makes me think that it might be time. Physical offices are probably also going to start opening by fall as well, so starting now gives me enough time to potentially fail a couple of times if needed and get back on track.

I realized a few things last night.

I really enjoy long phone conversations so finding some of those people in my time-zone’s going to be important. (Right now I spend a lot of time talking to some of my friends and family back home and for some reason the timing’s been working in a way that it stretches into my night).
Not procrastinating in the day is going to be critical. I really want to make time for hobbies and self-work and making that time in the daytime implies getting done with chores and pending “work” earlier in the morning, especially on the weekends.
Then of course, there’s the 10pm/11pm temptations. The caffeine cravings, for example. I’m going to have to be a little strict about not giving into many of the things I like doing post-dinner. It’s going to have to be wind-down period. Until my body clock adjusts (which, might take a few weeks to a month at least, I guess), I’m going to have to be very deliberate about this.

So, that’s enough on sleep and commitment to that.

(Random update) I bought a mic! I’m excited to figure out a little bit of recording technicalities and then I’ll potentially record some music and experiment around with that.

Lastly, the main thing I’ve been thinking about since yesterday. What is it about “feeling seen” and “feeling known” that feels so good? I would say I was a fairly private person up until two years ago. Eventually, opened up to people and eventually also started to really enjoy sharing my work and my “art” (and therefore more of me) with everyone.

Of course, one of the main things that spurred this into faster action was a breakup, for me. I doubt I ever felt a void when I was with my now ex-partner. Him and some close friends and family having “know” me was quite sufficient. After the breakup, there was definitely that need, that empty space. Savannah Brown (recent discovery) has interesting thoughts on this – she asks if anything really then has meaning unless “people” are involved. Unless “people” are seeing it? I’ve never tried playing music for an animal but I’ve heard it can be quite amazing. So it might not just be people, but maybe.. connection?

Is feeling seen simply an indicator of connection? Or is it the acceptance, the apparent lack of judgement, the freedom that comes from it?

Ah well, looks like there’s clear evolutionary reasoning behind it. This was easy 🙂

Also, very excited to hit 30k soon! Have a happy weekend, everyone. :partyemoji: