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007 – how internal and external awareness intersect

Preamble: This one’s a little all over the place, and perhaps a little circular in many ways, but I’ll post it out anyway since I’m pretty happy with the rough conclusion I was able to somehow reach. A little low on the word count on this but I’m sure the previous one makes up for it.

Today I want to take some time out to babble on about feelings and perception. I’ve been thinking how it’s funny (or interesting?) that one of the key concepts of therapy and psychology is “naming” your feelings to become more aware of them. And how one of the key concepts of Buddhism and mindfulness is to perceive the external world (and maybe even our internal world?) without naming it, without judging it. Both of these ideas however, as far as I’m aware, have the same goals, i.e. increased and expanded awareness.

So how does this work? How is it okay and even beneficial to name our feelings, but why is it beneficial to perceive external sights, sounds and smells without trying to label them?

Of course one of the key points is that there’s a difference between naming something and judging something. Let’s maybe break these two things down.

feelings + mindfulness

A situation occurs. We feel things. We make stories out of our feelings. More often than not, the stories are wrong. So here, if we interrupt the storytelling with just trying to name the feelings instead, we can become “aware” of them. Once we’re aware of them, we can remove the stories we were adding on to them.

Let’s look at this with an example:

A situation occurs (my roommate left dirty dishes in the sink). We feel things (anger, annoyance, frustration). We make stories out of our feelings (my roommate is irresponsible, my roommate doesn’t respect rules, my roommate doesn’t care about cleanliness). More often than not, the stories are wrong. So here, if we interrupt the storytelling with just trying to name the feelings instead, we can become “aware” of them. Once we’re aware of them, we can remove the stories we were adding on to them.

Of course, there’s still some societal judgement that might persist (i.e. “anger” and “sadness” could be viewed as bad, or negative), but at least, we’ve removed the judgement about them from this particular situation.

perception + mindfulness

Most meditation practices have some of these common directives: observe the world, focus on anything in your sights, look at objects, but try not to name them. Since naming them will create additional stories about them. For example, if you’re outside and you’re looking at some mud – try not to think of it as mud – since that might create a negative response in you. Or even flowers – perceive them, but don’t judge them. Don’t add thoughts onto them.

reframe

Okay, I just realized that the goal of naming our feelings or getting in touch with our feelings is not awareness for the sake of it, the primary goal is to get distance from our feelings, or to enable unattachment from them, i.e. enable us to stop identifying with them.

Whereas the goal of perception, is also to create distance from ourselves, but the directive to avoid naming or judging things is probably only so that we don’t create unnecessary feelings, if they didn’t have to come about.

Naming our feelings, can help us get closer to our bodies, and away from our thoughts.

some sort of a conclusion

I suppose it’s because perceiving the external world comes naturally to us. We’re taught how to do this, most of us do this ever since we’re born. But we’re only clouded by whatever we’ve learned about these things. So in this case, we can directly start off by removing the “names and judgement” layer from these objects. It’s easier for a kid to “notice” an apple if they’ve seen it before. (I think) So, all we need to work on while practicing mindfulness is to remove the judgement of how an apple makes us feel (hungry, or nice) or what it looks like (ripe, or rotten, etc.)

But, not all of us are taught how to perceive our internal worlds or our bodies. So we’ve to first understand how to perceive it, and then work on the judgement part of it. Once I know what an emotion feels like, I can notice it, recognize it again. Once I get good at perceiving it, I can work on perception without judgement.

I suppose, naming our feelings simply allows for increased perception. Increased perception, when done right, can then allow for increased awareness.

So, it’s not that these concepts are meeting each other from opposite ends, but that they’re probably step 1 and step 2 of the same eventual goal – that of increased and expanded awareness.

006 – reflecting on friendships

I recently met someone new and we got to talking about friendships. (Side-rant: Sometimes I wonder why I like to give context about where a thought came from. I don’t know, maybe it’s just the flow, but at times I feel I also want to credit that person whose company helped give birth to this thought-cloud. If they happen to read it, it might be nice for them to know?)

So anyway, we got to talking about friendships. I’ve been thinking about a friendship that I’m soon going to need to let go of, or at least get some space from, so I brought that up as well. Naturally, a bunch of conflicting feelings around it, the biggest being – how did I end up in a long-term, seemingly close friendship that I don’t really enjoy? I claim to be courageous, honest, direct and brave with many other difficult things, and yet I fuck up this basic thing that seems to come so easily to most people? I didn’t have the answers with me at the time, but I’ve been pondering a little bit and want to see if maybe I do.

Originally, we became friends because of circumstance, and mostly continued to stay friends thanks to circumstance as well. We all have those friends, right? So how does one separate self from a relation like that? I suppose most people form new relationships?

I think I have the answers, these are the some of the factors I wasn’t accounting for when I decided to “continue” a strong relation with that friend.

People’s advice: They didn’t know me, they didn’t know her, they didn’t know the details of our relationship, so they always gave me “bad” (and often unsolicited) advice. And since I was weak (or if I want to be kind to myself, impressionable), I listened.
Potential loneliness: Ah, the dreaded loneliness. The feeling that apparently goes away if you have someone around. Who are these people kidding? How can loneliness go away just because you have someone around? People live in such strong denial – loveless marriages, loveless relations, and I’m so angry that they push all of this on other people. And I regret letting myself fall into these traps of fear.
“Politeness”: AKA my inability to set boundaries. My inability to say no. My own imperfect ideals of perfectionism and kindness. My inability to see that the truth is kinder than any other kindness I might try to bestow upon people.
Lack of awareness: Of course, this seems to be prevalent in most of my posts so far. I only started getting in touch with my feelings around two years ago, and because I’ve always had other (almost objectively) bigger things to tackle, I suppose I wasn’t ready to look at my friendships clearly.

Now, something you might notice (if you for any reason went through some of my other posts) is how often I mention things like human connection and being intentional about the people we spend our time with. I wasn’t always like this. Since I only started becoming aware a while ago, I think it was only around the same time that I began addressing or looking at the things that were missing from my life. I’m not someone who’s ever had a hard time making friends. I used to definitely be introverted as well as shy and reserved, so it definitely took me a while sometimes, but it had always been that way, and it was rarely something that bothered me.

But when I moved to this foreign country that I currently reside in, some of my anxiety (that manifested as really strong body dysmorphia) pretty much hit my “social life” the most. My self-esteem and self-confidence plummeted really hard. What’s the easiest and the most instinctive reaction to anxiety? Avoidance. So I suppressed most of my social needs and wants, and told myself that it’s okay, and that I’ll cope. I did manage to make some really good friends, I did do the bare minimum, but it wasn’t enough. So, for almost 1-2 years, I took the company of whomever it was easiest to spend time with (i.e. whomever I felt least anxious with), as opposed to checking whether I even enjoy their company enough. Whether I would seek their company as much, if I was in my best place.

So, I would often find myself in this place, where I felt like I had a lot of friends and a lot of people I could reach out to, but I often felt terribly lonely. (I know that this is a common sentiment echoed by many people, and @visakanv has talked a lot about this in a lot of his writing as well, but well, let me find out where I’m going with this.)

One of the first life-changing questions my first therapist had asked me, I think basically around 2-3 sessions in, after I’d described a “humans” related situation that was terribly anxiety provoking was something like – “and what do you think, do you feel like your social needs are currently being met?” In all honesty, I cannot describe in words the feeling that floated through me – it started near my head but definitely made its way to my feet (and out, I think) – as I thought about it and slowly uttered the words, “I guess not”.

This was also the first time I’d realized that anxiety by itself was not the problem, the problem was that it was stopping me from doing the things that I wanted to do. This is probably very easy for a third person or a professional to see, but for almost a year and a half, I couldn’t see it, my close friends and family couldn’t see it, my significant other at the time couldn’t see it, and honestly, it still baffles me a little bit. This was the first time I considered a reframe: I didn’t need to stop the anxiety, I needed to continue to do the things that I want to do in spite of it, or even if it comes up.

(I feel the need to apologize that most of my posts end up describing anxiety in some or the other way, regardless of what I start talking about, but of course I don’t need to apologize, so I’ll just throw this out and keep moving on.)

Anyway, a slightly hasty wrap-up. Re-evaluated my needs. Turned out I hadn’t been taking care of my social needs, so I started seeking company more. But anxiety was still a huge factor, so whenever it was hard to meet new people, I’d end up seeking whatever company I could easily get. It was a band-aid solution, and though it had its uses and I’m genuinely very grateful for the company and support I did get, it wasn’t foolproof. In retrospect, I do wish I’d ripped it off sooner. Ah, well.

So, even though it’s been a while that I’ve accepted that human connection is not something I’m going to take for granted, and that it’s surely going to be a pillar for me for years to come, it’s time to address that there’s more to it. Intentionally seeking and building strong, deep and real connections is also going to be a thing. I want to consider giving friendships the same kind of careful consideration that I would give a romantic relationship. I think I’ll be happier. Even if that’s just in their pursuit, of course.

005 – are you still heartbroken? + mental health + shame

One of the first questions that people ask you when you talk to them about (romantic) heartbreak is whether you’re still heartbroken. How do you begin to answer that? My guess is if it’s not a clear no, then it’s probably a yes. Everyone goes through this process, you stop talking to the person, you delete their digital memories, you start thinking of yourself again. First – alone, then, with new people. You keep getting triggered every time you talk to or meet people you don’t like as much and so on and so forth. You make time for friends and family, you realize you’re craving a romantic connection with someone again, and you get back on the saddle with a fresh outlook.

Then, on a random Monday you’re dragged back into the mulch again. You wonder why it’s so hard to let a person or their idea go. You attempt to rationalize things again. You tell yourself the person is just a representation of everything you’re capable of feeling for another human being. Sometimes you try to feel these feels through other means – fantasy, movies, books, intoxicating substances (ha ha), only to, once again realize, that it’s only fun when you feel it for a human being. Perhaps some people might have mastered the art of not wanting to feel these feels at all, or maybe some have mastered being satisfied in feeling this only for their own selves, but I’m sure there are enough of us who want to feel it for another human being. And there’s probably nothing wrong with that – though the amount of time and energy we would want to spend on pursuing that want would of course have to be carefully reviewed.

Every feeling creates a bunch of thoughts, every thought creates a bunch of questions. That is all okay but it becomes a problem when we keep going round and round in circles. I did some normal girl shit like distracting myself and taking a small walk around the house to resist getting sucked back into the ground. And I’m glad to announce, it worked. So I’m back here to ask myself some of these questions and attempt to answer them here. This is so I can maybe reduce them from popping up as often as they currently do.

Am I still heartbroken? I think, no. I’m ready to move on.

What does that mean for me? Well, I gotta reply to this one seemingly nice girl who asked me out and gave me her number a week ago. I gotta explain why anxiety and depression didn’t give me the time to respond for the whole week, and I gotta be vulnerable enough to ask her if she’s still interested.
If she says no, I think I’ll be fine – a little disappointed but not too bothered.

If she says yes, I’ll be glad, but I’ll also have to face some of my fears again. The fact that I don’t feel confident and uplifted enough. The fact that feelings and emotions are hard all the time and I’m afraid and wary of doing things that have the potential to make me feel something (“negative”). The fact that I feel like I might cry if I think about someone else for more than a few minutes. The fact that I never know how much to talk about anxiety and depression because people get a bit weird about it, even though I don’t feel like there’s a need to. The fact that it’s so much harder to bring this up when going on a date with someone, simply because it feels like a bigger deal to reveal that about myself in that equation.

So much shame when it comes to mental health problems, I cannot even. Where does it even come from?

Here’s some of the things that I do or have done which might give someone (or myself) the impression that I’m pretty chill and well-adjusted when it comes to dialog around mental health:

Most of my family and close friends know about what I’ve been dealing with.
The memes. the jokes. the tweets, the posts.
One of my Hinge profile prompts says that a social cause I care about is mental health awareness and the destigmatization of dialog around it.
- This one’s going to be fun to think about, but I’m already realizing that I put this up almost 4-5 months ago but haven’t really taken much action when it comes to it, apart from, of course, being as open as I can be from time to time.
People at my workplace (in my team) know about it, about the fact that I have generalized anxiety, and that I’m in therapy as well.

Then, what is it? Where’s the shame coming from? Or, what do I hope for? These might be two separate questions but the second framing makes it easier to answer at least one of them. One of things I want to be able to do is be okay with saying “I’m feeling really anxious so I think I’m going to go home” instead of “Oh, I just have a lot of work and chores to do so I think I’m going to go home”. I think this is the first time I’ve put this down in words (apart from in therapy once, and I think the solution didn’t stick), so I’m excited to attempt this again if a situation asks for it.

While I’m at it, it might be worth addressing why I don’t already do this. I think there’s two reasons – a fear of the follow-up question, and putting the other person (or people) in a spot.

What is the follow-up question I’m afraid of? Basically someone asking me why I’m feeling anxious. In all honesty, I think it bothers me when it’s not asked, and I haven’t fully resolved what answers (or truth) I’m okay with revealing when someone does ask me that. I suppose that’s probably something I might need to figure out before I attempt experimenting with this.

Ugh, emotional labor does get tiring sometimes. What a damper. The sun’s almost gone down as well, but I’ll try not to relate these two stimuli.

004 – feelings and human connection

Feeling really good about my previous word vomit. I love how it started off as a contemplation of my current work but ended on quite an artsy, floral note. I feel pretty proud of that last paragraph. I do like writing about my thoughts and feelings. I’m feeling a little anxious. I think it’s because I know that I need to go back to my tasks from my day job. The urge to quit is so strong. I feel like I’m Tom from 500 Days of Summer and Software Engineering is my “Greeting Cards”. I’m a perfectly adequate software engineer. I’m looking for what my architecture is, and I’m also looking for my Autumn. But I’m not in a movie, so I’m aware that I might not end up finding these.

My Summer wasn’t as nice as his. My Summer said goodbye over a text. My Summer didn’t offer to be friends. My Summer didn’t stay with me for 500 days, more like 50 if I’m being honest. My Summer wasn’t as clear about things from the start. Though I’m sure I would be in the same place even if she had been. I feel a lot of pain in my chest and my stomach and my heart these days. I think I should quit (work). I think I’ll hand in my notice at the end of this week. There’s so many tasks that I’ll have to think about before I quit. I wouldn’t know how to access half the things. Maybe I need to make a list of them.

I wonder if I should switch teams before trying to quit. I’ll get a temporary relief of a few weeks, at least. I do care about my manager though. I’m worried about breaking the news to him.

Continuing this after around five days. Things have changed a little bit. I got a little bit of family time and outdoors time and time with animals. I decided I might try to talk to a couple of different teams to at least see what’s out there. I might start some medication to help with some of the anxiety. The doctor seems to think it’ll help me cope with the external stressors. The logic makes sense – everyone faces external stresses like work problems, relationship problems, bad days – but the lens of my anxiety makes everything worse. If medication can help me curb the anxiety a bit, I can cope with these problems as a normal human being would. Trying to change the environment and removing external stressors is probably fixing the wrong issue. Of course needing some breathing room is normal, but if I get breathing room then I might be less motivated to start the medication. Anyway, we’ll see how it goes.

I want to get better at connecting with people. I want to become better at being honest and confident and silly at the same time. I know how to get there, but I don’t have enough time and opportunities to practice this. Mainly because of the pandemic.
I feel a bit greedy about this whole thing – what am I looking for? What am I seeking? Is there some other unmet need that I’m confusing with this?

Continuing this after a few hours. I got closer to some of my family this weekend. I like it – one of the nicest things in the world is thinking you know someone and then getting to know them more. Life is so much better when I am intentional about the people I spend my time with. I think sometimes I end up spending a lot of time with people I don’t really like that much – either because of social obligations or because of circumstances. But man that is a terrible way to live.

Anyway, these moments of getting to know someone more. They’re nice moments, moments of unexpected vulnerability, often. Vulnerability that doesn’t necessarily come from the stories these people might be telling me, but from what their voices sounds like when they’re talking about these stories. From whether they meet my eyes while telling me those stories. From the way they smile or from the way their faces move when they’re reacting to my reactions or my questions. From the way they look at another person, if it’s a story that has shared ownership. From the way you can ask a person something but find out more about the person sitting next to them than the original recipient of the question.
It’s a nice little activity, giving someone your full attention and enjoying it – for reasons that are beyond my understanding. Of course one of them is the fact that I get some of it back in return. I’m sure sitting in a park and giving a stranger my full attention from afar isn’t going to be as great.

I’d recently met someone who I could describe as outgoing and friendly and yet not looking to connect. Years ago I would have never known the difference. But I think we finally connected a little today. It was quite nice.

I’m roughly at 800 words here. Reminds me of the time in school where we’d laugh about how we can fill up the word count by rambling on and/or stating the same point in different ways. It’s true, we can. I often used to have a problem with concise writing as well. The number of hours I’ve spent trying to cut down sentences to not cross the word-limit, oh boy. Yet, I find myself out of related thoughts at the moment. Slowly trudging on, trying to get a 100 more words out on this note.
This is nice little fun thing to do – taking ordinary experiences and activities and making stories out of them. I suppose it’s an escape, maybe my ordinary life isn’t fun enough until I make a fantastical story about it. That’s not fully true though – I’m being a little harsh on myself – I’m sure I must have felt moved enough in those moments for thoughts about them to persist hours and days later.