Tag: 2023

081b – joyful

Heart is full. Had three consecutive days around people I love and I couldn’t be happier, I think. As I’ve mentioned multiple times before, I was pretty worried about December, productivity, social obligations etc etc, but I think this time I was finally able to show up where I really wanted to, and say no to the things I really didn’t want to do. Feels pretty great to be able to do this. 

Life has become much easier now that I’ve started expressing myself more and more, without thinking too much about it. I think I learnt how to do this most from a couple people I met over the previous year. I don’t know whether I just have a “backlog” of unexpressed feelings and thoughts or whether I genuinely will stay the same over the next few years, but I’m excited to find out. 

I’m also finding a lot of pleasure and joy in bonds that are not necessarily solidified or spoken about in words. That is, where words aren’t the primary form of communication and affection. Of course, quality time and physical affection have always been important to me but I always used to think that bonds are stronger and more real when you can talk about your thoughts and feelings explicitly. But I’m making more space for relations where words are not our strong suit, and yet I know they are valuable relationships and maybe I don’t want to give them up. 

The good thing about expressing in large “quantities” is also that you start to then get a more wholistic opinion of your art and skills. Giving up perfectionism has been one of the best things for me and my art and expression journeys. You start to feel seen over the small things and slowly it all accumulates to give you big positive feelings as well. My belief in the value of “body of work” is getting stronger, basically. And it’s not that you don’t give your whole heart to these little things, it’s just that you’re okay with perhaps 7/10 or 8/10 satisfaction and you complete+share those things anyway. We’re just human, doing human things after all. 

I’ve also opened my heart to dogs and kids again (as silly and obvious as that sounds) and it’s been wonderful. It’s so silly that we have these very easily available sources of joy and sometimes we forget to tap into them as much as we should be. Tldr; it’s never too late to unlock “new” sources of joy. 

I guess the trick after all is to find positive feelings in the easiest and most satisfactory way possible and release negative feelings in the easiest and most satisfactory way possible. I like this framing, I’ll sit with this a while. 

Stay safe and sound xx 

068a – limited time + music journey

I’m a little frustrated with everything. Although last week, I’d told myself that I’m killing all expectations from November and December (because they already feel very packed with the festive season, weddings, etc), I’m realising that it’s actually very hard to kill expectations that way. 

Lately I’m finding myself being quite selfish with my time. I’m very aware of how much I want to do within the limited time that I seem to have lately. Obviously setting stricter boundaries helps and I’m trying to get better at doing so, there’s still a lot that I end up giving away. This is not anxiety-driven, for a change, I’m just very sure that I want to be spending more and more time on making things. This isn’t an easy feat— really— because there’s a lot of skillset expansion that’s needed to make the things I want to make. 

So yes, one option is that I make a LOT of things at my current skill-level, if I don’t want to worry about the learning aspect of the craft. Which is what I’ve been doing with these word-vomits / blogs, for example. And that’s okay too, yeah. 

But with music, I feel like because there are just SO MANY areas, I can’t completely ignore the learning / growth aspect of things. 

So, what are these areas? 

  • Technical skills with instruments (guitar, keys, drums) + the vocal instrument 
  • Composition / songwriting skills 
  • Music theory
  • Production / recording 

Production and recording I can safely ignore for now, sharing music isn’t my primary goal at the moment. 

That leaves me with the first three areas. Now, there’s two ways in which I can continue to expand on the skills in these areas: 

  1. Learning by imitation / Learning by “doing”
  2. Learning by “theory” 

I think the trickiest part (for me) is choosing at any moment whether I want to work on a cover or whether I want to work on something original. Sometimes covers are more appealing because you hear a beautiful song and you can’t wait to reproduce it. But sometimes original work is more appealing because you know you’ll learn and grow faster by completing a song you might have left unfinished.  

And I’ve now gotten to a point where I can’t just completely rely on my feelings ie “oh I’ll just do what I feel like”. Not in every moment.  

I think I need to set more smaller goals which allow me to keep a balance between learning songs and working on original music. Yes, that’s the answer. 

So, what did we find out today? 

  • I’m feeling selfish about my time. I want more of my time for myself. I thought I could kill expectations and wants from Nov/Dec but that’s not going to be case. 
  • I’m going to be setting more boundaries, I will not be saying yes to everything. A little bit FOMO is to be expected, however. But likely it won’t matter too much. 
  • Music growth is a little daunting because there are many areas to work on, I need to set some short/medium term goals again to find a balance with songs as well as original work.
    • I’m not focused too much on production and sharing right now, next few months is going to be more about technical skills and songwriting.