Tag: adulting

066a – daily rambles, hello november

It’s a beautiful day to write. 

Why do these words ring true? I hadn’t even stopped to consider that it really is a beautiful day today. I woke up a little late today and immediately got to some of the things I try to make sure to do every morning— the routinely stuff, basically— but I think I was operating from a brain lens, not a body lens. And yet, these six words, they brought me back to the present like nothing else had, until so far. 

This is the power of words. This is what I want to access more often. I write a lot lately but I know there’s a reason it’s satisfactory only like 6/10 times. Because I’m not feeling it, often. So how do I write in a more embodied way? 

I’ve been having the same experience with drums. My instructor is pretty good at this, he keeps asking me to come back to present, to not “think” so much, to “feel” it. And initially, I wasn’t really getting it. I was very defensive (unintentionally). I kept claiming that no, I don’t think I’m thinking too much, and what? Of course I’m feeling it. But then, when I actually felt it, I knew what he’d been trying to say all along. And it’s been lovely. I can’t yet keep the focus active for maybe more than a third of the class, but that third is the most satisfactory. 

So I imagine that’s going to be the case for writing too. So, how do I write in a more embodied way? I want to spend more time with this question. I’m running a bit late for class right now so I gotta stop. But I’m going to come back to this. 

— 

Alright, back at this. 

Had a nice action-oriented evening.. attended drums and vocals lessons, bought some food on the way back. Shortlisted some of the poems I want to submit for a thing, resumed lessons with the other kid I’ve been teaching for a bit. 

I’m trying to understand how I feel around children. Sometimes I feel really nice, sometimes I feel a bit weird. I think it’s a me problem though. I don’t know, when I’m relaxed and not too worried about my goals and “adulting problems”, I enjoy interacting with kids. But when I have all these things on my mind, it’s generally a little annoying. But I think there’s a lot to learn from them. How to take up space, for example. How to be authentic. How to connect by giving attention. Kids aren’t skilled at having equal conversations, you don’t go in expecting it to be a 50/50 exchange. You give attention without expecting much in return but then you get it eventually. But you get it back in ways you wouldn’t have been able to foresee actually. But that’s the best part.

I have a theory that most kids (hence, humans) are at least somewhat sensitive but when they’re forced to grow up (or for various other reasons like societal pressures) they numb down or dull down their sensitivity— at least a little bit. [More research on this sometime]. 

Got some laundry done too, I’ve been putting it off for a while. 

Stepping out of the house (even for an hour or so) can have such great returns. Should make it a point to do this most days. 

056b – blocked or directionless?

I think I’ve been resisting a lot. Moments, feelings, thoughts. Resistance makes everything so much tougher than it needs to be. What am I feeling, really? 

Right now, I think I do feel some amount of boredom, lack of motivation. I do feel a pressure to “do”, in a specific direction. In a direction that might feel justifiable to the brain. But I’m tired of my brain ruining my life. I’m tired of my brain constantly asking for attention. When it’s my body, my heart and my soul that I want to give more of my attention (and awareness to). So, okay, maybe the resistance was present for a reason. Maybe the resistance was coming from my body, and not from brain. Maybe my body knows that we don’t want to give in to the brain right now. The brain acts like a dictator at times, maybe the resistance was a combined protest. 

I’m actually also feeling blocked by an Amazon pickup scheduled for “sometime” today. They haven’t really given me a specific time and generally somebody comes by before this time in the day. I need to take a shower and get on with life, but this thing has been blocking me since the afternoon. 

I wish I could understand my cravings better, how they shift from one to another. How different addictions play against (or with) one another. 

Adulting and surviving has been quite tough lately. I need to start “living” more again. I think the weather has been a major blocker to everything. I just feel so bogged down by the tiny but very many problems in and around me. 

Okay, gratitude and positives: I have a vocals lesson coming up in a couple hours which I’m definitely looking forward to. I also like the walk back home from the place, so that’ll be nice. I can also practice drums a little bit if I can get there earlier. 

Hoping the weather improves a bit over the next couple weeks, so I can try going out more during the day. 

I think I’m definitely observing large amounts of the need of “control” over everything in life. It’s just so difficult for me to “let go” of things and let them take their course. I want to get better at surrendering to moments. 

The thing that’s been helping the most is this book I started reading called Conversations on Love. It has a lot of helpful perspectives and different philosophies that can be applied even outside the context of love. The thing that’s helped the most so far is an introspection of “longing” as a feeling, which I do often struggle with. 

Since I’m actually struggling with this right now as well, I’ll try to write some quick thoughts on longing: wanting something different than what you have, feel or are right now. Often, it’s unexplainable why you want the present moment to be different than what it is. 

For me, currently it comes from an overarching feeling of lack of direction in life. Though I don’t think it’s completely true that direction is lacking. It’s maybe just enough, yet. Like there’s some presence of direction, but maybe I want more of it. Like a stronger presence of it. 

I don’t know, maybe today’s a little like walking a bit in different directions but finding each path blocked, so I keep returning to take a new path. But I keep coming back. That’s the main problem. Anyway, maybe this wasn’t completely futile.