I want to free some thoughts from my head. I woke up early (proper early – 6 am) since my mom’s visiting from India today and I plan to go and receive her. But there’s a delay (duh) so I have some free time as I wait to leave. I’ve barely slept 5 hours but I feel much better than I expected to feel. The sunrise’s scheduled for 7:15 am (it’s 6:45 am right now) and I’m torn between trying to write on here or go down and click pictures. Decisions, all the time. They weigh so heavy on my shoulders but there’s always many to make.
We’re constantly doing resource management, of course it’s going to be hard. Why is it harder for some people? I feel like I have a few problems. I don’t trust the budgets that I set for myself so I’m often optimizing for money, even though it would just make more sense to (or make my life easier if I could just) trust the budget. There’s probably reasons to why I don’t. It’d have to be a whole other annoying examination of everything I’m not tracking currently.
What about time? What structures can I have in place to reduce the worry of time-optimization in daily life? Monthly goals setting? Big and small? I do suppose that could help. It’s also the first day of February (short month!) so it seems like an opportune day to be thinking about this.. and maybe even attempting it, oof.
Not sure where this is coming from, but something about people and draining interactions.
How do you teach people to ask questions, instead of giving (mostly unsolicited) advice? I don’t know, constantly being “told to do something” has made me strongly averse to listening to people. I often feel a visceral recoil when someone gives me advice or says anything along the lines of “do this, do that.”
Even a conversation like this often bothers me quite a bit:
Me: I’m thinking of doing X.
Friend: Yes, you should do it.
This obviously has multiple possible explanations – maybe I already had some feelings about X, maybe I don’t like my friend as much as I think, etc etc. But, I think it’s also that a lot of people don’t know how to talk very well. Or maybe I’m very particular about the semantics.
Here’s a few examples of responses that wouldn’t have bothered me:
(Best)
Me: I’m thinking of doing X.
Friend: Oh yeah I think that’s a great idea! / That sounds so nice!
(Not the best but still decent)
Me: I’m thinking of doing X.
Friend: Oh yeah I think you should do it.
Maybe I just have a really bad relationship with “being pushed”.
And while I know that talking in terms of “I think” and “I feel” is generally regarded as good practice for communication between most “close” relationships, I wonder if that’s too much to hope for from all relationships?
Decisions and draining conversations – how do these relate? I think I know how. I think every-time I go through a draining conversation, I have to, in real time, decide whether to have the “you’re saying this, but I’m hearing this” conversation. If I decide not to do it in the present, it still persists and eventually I have to decide whether I want to have the “when you said this, I felt this” conversation. Even if I decide not to do it, I still have to resolve my feelings around the whole thing, LOL.
This brings me to another question. Lately I do feel like having the “when you said this, I felt this” kind of conversations with a lot of people. These are generally quite acceptable in personal relationships.. but how do we feel about them in professional relationships? Do we want to be having them? I see nothing but major benefits. But I don’t know, haven’t seen enough of these happening yet.
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Unrelated. What is it about immersing your whole body in water that feels so good? I suppose it can be meditative. A few minutes of not being answerable to anyone (including self), not being accountable to anyone (including self), not having to make sense of anything. I can allow myself to exist, without having to be anywhere. Almost as if my feelings seek an outlet, and the water can sometimes provide that.
I’ve been wondering about the deep desire to be understood, I know I’ve been talking about it a lot. But where is it coming from? Today morning I had an extremely strong reaction to a misunderstanding between myself and my mom. I couldn’t figure out why being misunderstood feels like such a threat to me. I think it’s something about.. if people don’t understand me, then they have power over me. Do other people even matter though? Perhaps it’s more about myself.. If I don’t understand my feelings, then they have power over me.
I know the truer reframe for that is “if I don’t accept my feelings, then they have power over me”, but I hope it’s obvious that it’s so much easier to accept after understanding. So maybe all I’m really look for is my own understanding of my feelings. This is a nice little motivator for me to unpack as well. I could simply want to understand myself better so that my feelings don’t have (as much) power over me anymore.
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How do I feel about writing that builds on what other people have already written? Last night I was questioning (again) why I’m doing this. I found this thread (of course it’s Visa) and I liked how much of a case he makes for being in touch with our feelings. I was looking for something like that and I found it and it resonated with me. When will this happen by itself though? When will I really be able to give myself the permission and encouragement to do this, solely because I want to? …I suppose it’s okay, can’t really question everything so much. There’s only so much time in a day.
untitled atm 