ambition – untitled atm

102a – august slipped away

Haven’t been able to journal as much as I want to.. not sure what’s up. Y and I finally made a cover yesterday finally after many weeks of procrastination and delay on it. That did feel quite nice, I must admit. We also sang a bunch of other songs which also made me feel quite nice, I really enjoyed the process and the results too. I thoroughly like and enjoy the image of me that plays the keys, I feel quite at home in that image. In this, I also feel quite away from all the gender stuff (in the best ways).

Going to volunteer today for this skill-training session being hosted by an organisation I’ve been in touch with. Not sure what to expect but let’s see. I’ve met the people before and I wanted to reconnect with them anyway so this should be a good chance to do that.

I keep getting distracted even as I write this, and I’m not sure how to focus. It’s probably hunger and chores though, some more important than the other— I’ll put the rice on the stove and be right back.

Welp, I didn’t end up completing this yesterday but here I am.

Traveling in four more days, anxiety is quite active. I’m also turning 29 soon, hope I get some time tomorrow to do some reflections.

Y just sent me a cover of a song she made and I’m so amazed by how talented she is. Musically, of course, but in so many other ways too. Travel’s been hard this past quarter because long distance with her (even for a few weeks) has proved to be kind of tough– but hopefully we’re getting stronger from it all.

I come back mid-september and I’m going to fully prioritise job search etc. In some ways I’m almost looking forward to it actually.

The other day I got kind of triggered because my music instructor kind of coerced me to sit for some additional time and “practise” but I really really wasn’t planning to and didn’t want to. I did leave as soon as I realised how much I didn’t want to do what was being asked of me, but it took me a good couple hours to properly recover.

I’d like to lean into my ambitious side a little more for the remaining year. I know I have a strong one, but I’ve kind of compartmentalised it in favour of peace and rest. Which was quite valid, fair and much needed but I think I feel ready to be “doing” a little more.

Gender dysphoria has been a bit present this week, I do need more guidance and resources with it, but— well— can only do so much on a given day.

These days I find myself stunned by how talented, skilled and creative people are in the world. It’s nice to stay in touch with all that of course, keeps one grounded, and is also inspiring, but I’m still recovering from how much people are slaying at very ripe young ages like early twenties.

Anyway, that’s it this week. Hope yall have a great end to August! xx

091a – content, grateful and ambitious

Back to Delhi. Back to thinking about work and projects. Kind of happy with all of it. Had a terrible flight back but all worth it. I think traveling is such a great way to get new input, data and feelings and gives me a lot of stimulus about things I naturally care about. Feeling pretty good about the frequencies that I know I like with traveling now.

I’d like to sleep by 2-2:30am which means that I’m time boxing this word vomit once again. What are the major things on my mind lately that I’d like to think about? Polyamory, physical intimacy, art, music, production, reading, giving up addictions, grooming, haircut, health related tasks, how much emotional bandwidth can I give to friends and family, how much work can I get done in Feb considering my sister’s visiting and I don’t get enough time with her throughout the year, yeah that’s about it I think.

I’m doing a freelance photography gig (event based thing) for some family this weekend and I’d like to do it well (more so) since I’m getting paid for it, would like to take some tips from people I know who’ve done this before. Editing etc is something I may need to do some research on. Actually kind of excited for this!

Lately I start writing a ton of word vomits but I never get past 200-300 words. I’m not very sure why. Is it really possible that I don’t have enough to process? Or do I have more people around me which allows me to process some things with them instead? I’m not sure, it’s likely the latter though.

Another thing I’ve realised is that I’m definitely more of a space taker than I used to think. Of course, I strive to be considerate and I’m also mindful of how much space I take, but I do take enough of it. Maybe therapy has helped with this too. I like it. I guess writing is also a good way to take a lot of space in the ways you need to. The page is the room you probably actually really need. But it’s a great room. It’s better than most rooms.

Art, safe spaces, mental health, suffering (reducing it if possible for myself and other people), being good— these are the things I really care about.

I’m also glad that I’ve made “niceness” and earnestness almost a pretty big part of my identity (or I’m slowly doing it) and it feels nice that when you stand up for it really strongly, most people don’t try to oppose it. In fact you also learn whether people do actually want to oppose it or not, and if so why etc. When you make claims that most people in theory agree with, but you do it gently, you are making space for questions they may not be brave enough to face themselves actually.

I also used to think I’m not hardworking or ambitious but it’s just that my energies were not being directed into the right things. I feel like lately they have been. So I suppose that’s what makes me happy and content.

056a – discipline and work-ethic

Four months of being in India. And a month of being in my new place. I think the place isn’t very good, like vibes are great, but the amount of dust in the house is definitely a major issue. Might need to get a deep cleaning done. But now I’ve committed to being here for a year, so let’s see how that goes.

Music stuff is top priority for September, I’m tired of just saying this to myself over and over. Really need to get on with it. But my throat’s been hurting for the last couple days so I can’t really be too hard on myself.

Going through a mini-heartbreak, but all said and done, it could have been much worse, so I think I’ll bounce back quickly enough from this.

Trying to get some movement on my todo list which has been pretty static for the last couple weeks. If I can get even a couple tasks done a day, I’ll be good. But so far I’ve not been able to manage that.

I was feeling a little sad today at the realisation that I might have a decent amount of talent and passion, but I seriously lack discipline and work-ethic. I don’t know, I think I used to be better (on this vertical) even until grad school and first year of work, it’s all been downhill since then. Of course, I’ve also made other developments, like with more anxiety and stress, my “need” (or want) to be disciplined etc had gone down as well. ie I remember a strong decline in “wanting” traditional forms of success and achievement and in general a decline in ambition which I thought I was fine with. But maybe at some point the pendulum swung too far.

Yeah, if I rate my work ethic as an 8/10 until early 2020, I’d say it declined quite a bit during the pandemic, and then a harsh breakup, followed by a long anxiety-depression period. I’d say it was down to a 6/10 during most of 2022. And then of course a major part of 2023 has been an attempt to just be absent from this evaluation altogether, so I think I can safely ignore these thoughts around inadequacy ie if they’re stemming from evidence collected only over the last few months. I was literally on a break.

If I think I’ve had enough of a break, and I want to work towards building my work-ethic again, I can try that. I can try being “serious” in September and see if that feels better.

Started reading attached because my anxious attachment symptoms have been showing up a lot lately. I’ve heard mixed reviews about the book (ie too pop-culture-y etc) but so far I’ve been liking it. It’s also quite affirming in some ways.

Things are mostly okay otherwise. Hope September is better than August!