Tag: art

042 – my relationship(s) with various art forms

I have a long weekend this weekend (really long, 4 days) and I’m currently on Day 2 of it. I wanted to take some time to out to reflect on.. well, what the title says. 

Writing 

This is my go-to choice of expression. While I don’t do “creative” writing as such, I’m pretty comfortable with my relationship with this. I regularly journal, blog, share small posts on instagram, and enjoy doing it. I generally mostly think in words, and there’s little-to-no inertia from a thought entering my brain to me putting it out on paper if I want to.

If I could improve on anything, that’d be working on more poetry + sharing it, long-form blogs so I can improve my ability to stick to a single topic or related topics. Eventually, I’d maybe want to write a book, if I ever come up with enough material for something that’s worth writing about / sharing with the world. 

Photography 

I really enjoy this as well. I like the activity, I’m also able to come up with enough “original”ish compositions, and I feel secure in how I’m able to use this as a form of expression. I like the idea of mixing aesthetics and meaning and I feel like I’m able to find a balance with this. I’m also comfortable with and enjoy sharing my pictures, and that’s always a good sign. 

I like clicking pictures more than I like consuming photos, but I like consuming them enough that I never lack inspiration. 

If I could improve on anything, I’d probably want to invest in some more lenses / a better camera, go out and do more photowalks (like I used to earlier), setup pipelines to explore selling prints, and try to find paid gigs or opportunities for collaboration. 

Music

This is the tough one. I think (or feel) that I enjoy this the most, more than writing or photography or painting. But I think the “problem” is that I’ve only ever been playing and singing covers all my life. Although over the last couple years I’ve somewhat started to experiment with making some original melodies but it’s been very slow, and very minimal. And I don’t think I enjoy making original music as much as I enjoy making original write-ups or photos. So the “originality” is where I get stuck on this.

And I don’t understand the differences very well. Like I don’t know what would be the equivalent of a “cover” when it comes to writing. Maybe narrating a poetry I really like? Yeah I suppose. And I can imagine that being pleasurable as well, of course. I think it’s a numbers thing. I’ve probably written like at least 500 original essays (including journaling) in my life, so that comes naturally to me. With original melodies, I’m at like 10 or something. So yes, this one’s tough. But I want to commit to this, and increase my numbers on original pieces. And then see where I’m at. Will also want to resume vocal lessons, and probably invest in either guitar / keyboard lessons. 

Painting / Digital Art 

This one is fairly new for me. I did this a lot as a kid and last year I tried getting back into this. I really really enjoy it, it’s satisfactory on a deep level. However, I do think that this is the one activity out of the 4 where I enjoy the results more than the process. I’m not super sure if I enjoy the process yet. I also feel a lot of inertia with getting the paint supplies + water etc ready to start working on something new. So I don’t know, I’m still learning how I feel about this one. Again, like with music, investing in classes would probably be the best course of action if I want to explore this more. 

— 

Since these are the main things I want to spend the next few months doing, going forward it’ll be nice to have a quick evaluation method for how everything’s going. I think the characteristics I majorly covered in the sections above are the following: 

Enjoyment 

  • How much do I enjoy the activity in general? 
  • Do I like the process or just the results? 
  • Am I wanting to be someone or do I genuinely enjoy the “doing”?

Originality 

  • Am I able to be somewhat original? 
  • Even if I am making copies, am I able to add my own touch to them? 
  • Am I able to express myself, my emotions? 

Ease, Comfort 

  • What is the general ease, logistical ease like? 
  • Am I able to pull numbers, am I able to engage regularly? 

Sharing 

Collaboration 

Monetary Viability 

  • This may or may not be important (or consequential), but it’s not irrelevant. 

— 

Wrote an almost 1000-word post after quite a while. Feeling good about it. Engagement is crucial. An obvious step after reflection would be goal-setting but I don’t feel like doing that at the moment. But I will, soon-ish. Let me know in the comments if I missed out on any important evaluative aspects! 🙂 

040a – connecting with myself

Haven’t written one of these in a while. Been going through a lot of stuff lately, not eventfully but feelings wise, but as a result I’ve finally gotten back into a little bit of working out that I’d completely given up for almost the last 6 months. So I did some good amount just now and I’m feeling spent. Post-workout clarity has also allowed myself to cancel a thing I was kind of dreading so I have the rest of the day free now.

The last 2-3 days have been pretty decent though, and the week overall too. Though I think my social life can be a little better and a little more fulfilling, overall not much to complain about these days. It’s getting a little less cold outside as well so that’s been a major pick-me-up. Creatively, I feel better too. Been writing a little bit and clicking pictures again, and that always makes me feel super nice. 

Really wanna make the most of this place and the people in the next two months so I can feel somewhat satisfied with my time here. (ie Amsterdam)

Anyway, something that was coming up a lot in the couple weeks before the one that just went by was a lot of feelings of loneliness and isolation. Some of it was just coming by due to not enough daytime plans and not enough socialisation in general, but I think of some of it was just my own. Something that came up in therapy is how feeling disconnected from even myself can cause this. And that feels true, as I’ve finally incorporated a little more physical activity and movement in my own routine, I’m feeling more connected with myself again. (This was what I knew I needed, this could of course differ for you)

One other thing I’ve been trying to do more of is learn more about art, what it is, how important it is to me and the world, etc etc. And I’ve talked about this before but I think a question that often comes up for me is whether there’s a difference between art and entertainment. (This comes up because personally I like to think about whether something I’m putting out in the world is just entertaining or whether it serves a bigger purpose. And while I don’t deny that entertainment does have its own value, I do think art is a little different.) But I finally found my answer with this quote by Erik Hoel: Entertainment, etymologically speaking, means “to maintain, to keep someone in a certain frame of mind.” Art, however, changes us. I’m sure there’s a lot of research on these two concepts and how they tie together, I’m sure a lot of people have different opinions about this, but for me, I think I agree with this idea that not all entertainment can be “art”. Stumbled upon this quote from Brody Deschanel’s channel, which itself has some really well-researched and well written video essays on a variety of topics. 

So, to recap:

  1. Had a few lonely and isolating weeks, realised that connection with myself can be a good solution too, when I can’t always hang out with other people.
  2. Entertainment and art are both valuable, but I think art serves a bigger purpose than entertainment. 

037b – priorities and restrictions 

My conflict with work and what I want to be doing (for work) has gotten stronger since around a month. I tried some product work for a few weeks which unfortunately made me realise that’s not an option that’s much better than my current (engineering) role. And since I’d told myself that I’ll try out as much as I can in tech itself before deciding whether or not to jump ship, the realisation has been (mildly) unwelcome. I think I was hoping to like this more, in which case I wouldn’t have had to go through a harder process of potentially switching fields.

But the reason I started writing this today is the thought around “focus”. I’ve been wanting to buy a keyboard (piano) for a while because I’d started learning it around a year ago, but when I moved I didn’t bring it with me, and until now I haven’t had the free time to really think about this. But I recently realised that I’ve been pushing off buying one because lately I’ve started caring more about being focused. Because I’ve been thinking that if I do want to pursue any form of art as a career, shouldn’t I be focused towards it? But then.. I think, if pursuing art as a career means restricting myself in all these ways, is it even worth it?

Of course, my “focus” assumption could be wrong. Or the way I’m going about it. I probably need to talk to actual people who’re pursuing art to know more about this. Ie whether they find themselves restricting themselves in some ways in order to be focused with their job / career. But if the assumption isn’t wild, then it’s worth taking a step back.

I think freelancing (where you get to experiment with different kinds of jobs from time to time) would be really cool. Of course, at a cost – potentially, conventional success (??) but maybe that’s a cost I might be okay with. 

Anyway, I just realised I haven’t posted for over a month but writing right now made me feel good. It’s good to have some of the things that almost always feel nice, helpful and safe.

Some updates since I last shared a post:

  • Finally had a first session with a new therapist (scheduling was being an absolute pain) and I like her so I’m going to do a few more sessions. But so glad that this is kicking off again. I haven’t had a regular therapist since February and it’s been well, not ideal.
  • Recently started getting into painting a little bit and it’s been a blast. Thoroughly enjoying it.
  • Winters hasn’t completely taken over yet and I’m so grateful, hoping for a similar trend throughout November. 

Anyway that’s all folks. If you have advice related to my career confusions, let me have it! 

034b – art v/s. skills

Alright, it’s been a while since I’ve written, it’s due. 

Life’s been interesting, now that I think about it. I consumed some pot, so I’m pretty active. Plus, I slept in the day, so I’m pretty active. 

I’ve got this .. problem? of sorts. I feel quite all over the place, when it comes to practicing art lately. I’ve found that I enjoy 4-5 forms quite a lot – music (guitar, learning keys, singing), digital drawing, writing (poetry, blog..kind formats, and comedy-sketches-typeof things.) 

Soo let’s break this down into pieces. 

Why is this a problem? Is it a problem? Well, I got limited time. If I’m spending 4-5 hours of my free time on 2-3 different things (ideas) everyday, that’s probably making me inefficient / suboptimal. In terms of.. well, output, as well skill development. 

One counter to this could definitely be increased organization. If I’m spending some time on structure and logging, I could probably reduce the overhead caused by context-switches etc. Alright well, I organized my notes directories. I’m actually pretty happy with it! I have deep faith in organizational tools, and making time for them. 

Anyway, coming back to the problem breakdown. The deeper philosophical question: why is reduced output or reduced efficiency bad? What are my personal motivations behind creation or art, and what am I losing out on, then?
I think I have talked about this before, but for me there are two primary purposes of art:
1. expression, and 2. connection.
There could also be some secondary purposes. One (perhaps) is skill development. 

The expression part, I think I’m good with. My natural self is able to find enough time and ways to handle that. So what remains is connection. And maybe a bit of skill development. 

I think.. the connection part also, I’m good with. What remains then, is just this wish to be more.. skilled? But not sure of the reasons for it. Until my skills (or the lack thereof) are being a hindrance to what I want to express, I shouldn’t need to worry about skill development. Okay, I’m good with that conclusion.

To recap, one: I start being a little more organized. Which means: taking more notes, finding time for regular structure updates, setting weekly or monthly goals. (Also I noticed as I started filling up some of the docs, that as with tasks etc, my perception is probably pretty bad. The number of ideas or whatever I have in my head aren’t actually as much as I think I do, at a given point in time.) two: I reduce worrying about skills and where I’m at in those individual journeys. I recognize (or acknowledge) that that’s more of a distracting thought. I don’t need to know all the scales before I can express myself with music. I don’t need to be good at Procreate before I can express myself with drawings. Etc.

Onward!

032b – how to say art 


Content creation (and sharing) is so hard. It’s incredibly rewarding and addictive, obviously. But everything that comes up as soon as you post something, that can get pretty hard. So much vulnerability, so much self-doubt when something doesn’t go well right away. And yet, there’s something crazy about the dopamine (or whatever) that makes you want to keep going, again and again. 

I guess it gets somewhat easier the more you do it, but I’m still for from a place where it doesn’t bother me at all. Wherein I’m detached from the art as soon as it’s out there. I think the trick would be to move on to the next thing as soon as possible. And then look at the past shares and how they did only when you’re ready to take feedback from them for the next thing. Feedback just to feel or inform your own opinion of your art seems useless. Your opinion was whatever it last was before you put it out into the world. 
Maybe it’d be useful to record that opinion before I share the thing. 

Anyway, it’s still hard to call my writings or music or pictures “art”. I don’t know, multiple layers of judgement and ridicule from my own self when I do so. (This is probably worth exploring in a future post.) 

Things have randomly gotten hard otherwise. Friendships have suddenly gotten a little complicated. I suppose it’s inevitable. But I don’t know how to make much sense of it, or whether I want to resolve it. It’s hard to want to resolve things when you’re the only one who seems to want it. I suppose I can let time do its thing, and maybe we’ll settle into a new normal, or whatever. I’m aware this is quite vague for you, the reader, but I also don’t feel like changing it. My apologies. 

Work’s been good though, my sleep schedule has been pretty decent too. 

I really want to write 200 words more but I feel so exhausted right now. It’s a good thing, I know. As soon as I’m done with this I’m going to hop into bed. I have a long Friday ahead of me tomorrow, and I don’t want to be super drained tomorrow. Part of me wants to stop now and continue this later but I also know that won’t happen, and worse – I won’t feel like posting this useless word vomit out there. The only way I can post it is if I write it in a single stretch. Of course, I’m cheating right now with all the meta writing, but eh, I’m okay with that. 

Welp, I smoked a little bit of weed. What a shift in mood. I’ve always wanted to write when high. Somehow never feel like writing when I’m high though. All I feel like doing is talking to people. Or listening to music. Or watching good content. I’ve always wanted to execute and lean into creativity when high, but execution is so hard for me in that state. I absolutely love talking to people when I’m in this state though. Okay, I think I need more ways of saying “when I’m high” / “when I’m in this state”. This paragraph is terribly tedious. 


Alright folks, there’s my 500 words, have a great Friday! 

031b – welcome, september

Humans don’t provide much comfort today, so here I am again. Have to get over more feelings I recently acquired. Vulnerability doesn’t feel easy either. Friends are good, nice, magical even, but things are hard still. Art is nice, helpful, magical even, but things are quite difficult anyway. 

Been watching this show called Normal People and Hulu and it’s probably one of the best, most beautiful things I’ve seen on TV. Pretty emotionally intense, to the point that it can even become hard to watch sometimes, but man did they do a good job on it. 

Life is a little tough lately, the matters of the heart have come around to bother me once again. I will be spending the next few weeks attempting to get over someone. Once again, I find myself wishing that feelings were easier, though I know that wouldn’t achieve anything. I want time to pass faster because I’m hoping it’ll do its thing, but I also don’t want it to – for multiple reasons, one simply being that I only have a few more months here in the States. 

I spoke to an ex on call after a few months today, and if I’m being honest it made me feel really good – mostly because I realized how, given enough time, feelings do pass, and eventually you’re able to see people as simply friends, or people, regardless of how strongly you might have felt about them at a point in time. 

I have 1.5 days of the long weekend still left with me, I’d like to catch up on chores and some housework before Tuesday arrives – things have been pending for quite a few weeks now. I also wanted to work on some music stuff, but unable to find the inspiration for it. I know the lyrics are decent and the melody for the verse is pretty decent too, just haven’t been able to figure out how the chorus should go. Ah well, should probably treat it with a little more respect and just sit down at my desk to work on this, rather than hoping that it’ll come to me in my sleep or something. Also want to make some travel plans for the end of this month. And as usual, need to follow up on some emails. Wow, this might just be turning into a verbose todo list. 

Anyway, love (or lack thereof) is hard. I miss having constant friends (people) around. At this age people move around so quick, or they keep traveling, or they’re just busy. Everyone’s seems to be living in the abundance mindset, maybe I need to as well. My smoking addiction is off the charts – noting it down here so I have some accountability. Maybe I should get a vape to transition into quitting. Sleep’s been much better though. 

Clearly haven’t written in a while since 500 words is getting hard to reach. I know it’s not a big deal but I’ll try to be regular again (for myself, of course). Happy September!