Tag: attachment

093a – age, explore vs exploit, attachment

Feeling very reflective today. I think I’m not that afraid of turning 30 anymore. I feel like things have only gotten better (so far) with the power that experience and age brings. I’m still ambitious, motivated, excited, prone to chasing pleasure, prone to human longings, but I feel more grounded. Of course, these feelings of stability and security are not PURELY related to age. There’s a lot of other things that play into it— geography, community, loving people ie family and friends, romantic partnerships, anti-anxiety medication, my therapist, goals I’m working towards, and lastly art and artistic outlets; and some of these (maybe most) can be present at most ages. But whatever it is, I’m feeling good about still have over an year to 30, and then sort of having a nice “second half” of my life from 30-55 or 30-60. 

I don’t want to say that the life I envision post 60 is not valuable, but I imagine that will be very different considering the challenges that “old age” might bring, so I just feel like it’s futile to think about that right now. Obviously, one might argue it’s obviously futile to even think about anything beyond a week or two, really, but let’s keep that aside for a minute. 

The point is— I’m excited about the second half of my life. 

The numbers are just rough markers, of course.

I’m satisfied with the amount and kind of “explorations” I’ve done over the course of my 20s, and I feel good about sort of entering a bit of the “exploit” part of life, at least in the bigger picture. Not to say that I will curb my exploratory needs as and when they come up— and I think I am sufficiently exploratory by nature, and this has also been sufficiently stable over the last couple decades, despite the anxieties that come with exploration in general and despite my personal fears and anxieties. So I wouldn’t want to curb my exploratory needs too much, and my brain does devote maybe 10-20% of its bandwidth on curiosities. However, I’m learning to focus on the stability and safety that comes out of really leaning into the remaining 80-90% of the thing itself. Or (and) celebrate the good parts of what is. 

— 

In therapy we also talked about differentiating attachment (of the spiritual sense) and the real attachment (the one that exists within relationships etc). I think I’ve been mixing the two a lot over the last few years. I’ve convinced myself that I get attached too quickly and in unhealthy ways (even though that attachment was coming from my ego) and I forgot that I’m capable of maintaining and nourishing healthy attachments too. With friendships, for example— I’m actually capable of showing up in many many healthy ways. I’d like to not do myself disservice by confusing these two terms. Maybe it makes sense to think about what the healthy attachment means and looks like— do I want it? Is it a subset of love? What are the pitfalls? Why am I so afraid of it? I am not afraid of intimacy but I do find myself being quite afraid of “attachment”. So, yeah, that’s something I’ll be thinking about this week as well. 

Cheers, happy Feb! xx

090a – indulgent february, need discipline again

I’ve had quite an indulgent week. Need to get back on track once I’m back to Delhi but choosing to write this word-vomit today so I can at least get one out of my 4-5 “healthy things I want to do” done. Have a few chores to do as well but I’m prioritising this. I’m going to time-box this so I don’t overthink it. 

Was talking to sister yesterday about love etc. And how the healthy version of love now in my books does not equal devotion. Sure you might have moments of devotional feelings or a strong spiritual connection with someone but I don’t want to read into or take those feelings to be true. 

How the healthy version of love doesn’t put the other person above my own self. I really want to be clear about these things before I enter any sort of a romantic relationship with anyone. Because once I get more intertwined enmeshed (and sometimes even codependent) all the rationality often goes out the window, at least for a bit. I want to make sure I have these things written down so I can come back to them when I forget how I like to “love” or be in love. 

I was telling her that currently in my life there are two people I’m sometimes “really crazy about” and I’m actually pretty okay with that. These are my safe people. I can trust that I can be crazy about them and it won’t harm me. She asked me if I’m ever crazy about myself and don’t know actually. I know myself too well, I think. I do like myself a good amount on enough days but it’s hard to romanticise yourself. 

Although I do have my moments, I won’t lie. 

Addictions, emotions, thoughts, time and energy management is tough, I’m realising. Energy is definitely a limiting agent for me. I need to incorporate regular sleep and physical exercise so that it’s not SO challenging, as it has been this week. 

[Todo] I’d like to engage more in photography again. And I’d like to join dance classes. And I’d like to learn music production also. Okay, there. I go back home and think about what to prioritise, if I can’t do it all. I think social is what I’ll need to cut, if I want to do more of these things. Maybe I’ll get social needs met from the activities themselves, potentially. Let’s see. 

[Todo] I’m also reading and learning more about non-monogamy lately. I’m a little curious about it. Quite, actually. Need to carve out some more time for it. 

Alright that’s it I think. This isn’t 500 words but ah well. Hope y’all are having a good start to February!

023a – say your goodbyes and wake up

She wakes up around noon on the day they have to leave. She promised them she’d wake up early in the morning but her sleep schedule’s messed up because of lapses in willpower the previous few nights. Her parents are going back after spending almost a month with her. They hadn’t seen each other for a year and having them around was more wonderful than she could have ever imagined. They’re leaving at a good time, she’s not tired of them yet but she’s quite satisfied with the amount of quality time she ended up getting with them.

She’s not good at goodbyes (who is?). Whether someone stays with her for a week or a month, she notices too many associations all around the house once they leave. Places they order food from, the spots they go to walks for. The television shows they watch together, the tiny arguments they have around daily habits. 

In some ways, she’s glad there’s less time for the “last day” stuff. Less of the “take care of yourself” and “when will you come visit us?” that might cause her to break down. She doesn’t like airport goodbyes either. She prefers to keep the limbo time short. She prefers the cuts to be cleaner.

She’s made social plans for later in the evening so she doesn’t have to feel her feelings when they’re fresh, she’s found that getting some space and time from emotions can help her process them better later on. She has a lot to do in the coming few weeks and it’s going to start making her anxious soon. She knows it’s probably better if she addresses this feeling sooner than later. She makes some to-do lists and is happy to notice that helps today.

Whenever she gets blocked on writing or reads something engaging, she ends up thinking about storytelling. There’s an episode in the new show she’s watching where someone talks about art working only if there’s truth in it. She’s gotten good at speaking the truth but she wonders how she could speak more engagingly, or more creatively. She’s gotten really good at giving everything a personal touch but she still struggles with believing that things deserve to be made simply because she wants to make them. She wants to add ornamentation and frills to the things she makes but she doesn’t always know how to do that. Should stories be told because someone wants to tell them or should they be told because someone wants to listen to them? Does the world have more bad listeners than good speakers?

She wants to meet more people, she wants to know more about them. She wants to meet interesting people so she can make characters off of them. 

She’s afraid of being content. When she’s content, she’s not driven to create. Creation is easiest when she’s seeking something. Ephemeral feelings of contentment and happiness are great, but she doesn’t know if she wants to be safe and warm in a blanket of satisfaction. She wants to be awake, not asleep.