Tag: avoidance

105 – unblocking

If you write (or create any sort of content, for that matter), you are constantly on the lookout for material. Sometimes it’s fun because it happens automatically, but at times it’s quite draining too. Yes, people have talked about this before— how the reflex of “documenting a moment” can really kill the moment itself. Especially with writing, a lot of the advice points to this— document as much as you can, make as many notes as you can, because for sure memory is going to fail you. But I’ve found this to be consistently true in my days lately… I do feel like I’m stealing myself away from the present moment if I’m constantly trying to document it. How does one balance this? I’d like to figure that out. 

Anyway, came here to note this thought down (how meta of me), but might just do a word-vomit instead. Y and I have been cat-sitting for a friend (it’s two cats!) which we were very excited about initially but it turned out be quite a.. lot. The mother cat (Mimo) isn’t spayed and in heat which was a lot for her to handle (and for us too). She seemed like she was under a lot of stress— yowling for hours at end, constantly wanting to go out, hissing at her daughter (Bailey) a lot, and wanting a lot of attention from us too. Even though we absolutely loved giving her the attention she needed, we’re two people who get overstimulated very easily so it was all a bit too much for us to handle. We’re transferring ownership to a friend of the owner’s tomorrow, so looking forward to some relief and quiet. The cats are adorable though, I know I’m going to miss them too. 

It was a nice distraction from the “tasks” of life, of course.. and I did learn that maybe I can’t have cats in the future like I always thought I would. This is disappointing of course, but this is also not final since of course a spayed (or neutered cat) would be easier to handle, I know that. Definitely don’t think I can do kids though, that’s confirmed. 

I was reading this first post that I ever wrote on this blog, because I feel like I’m stuck in a similar situation again. It’s interesting to see just how much I had to write! Like so many thoughts and feelings. I don’t feel that way anymore. Sometimes I sit in front of the laptop or the journal and nothing comes out of me. And I know deep down that it’s not because I don’t have stuff to talk about, it’s just because I’ve become a bit avoidant with some of my feelings. This was never an issue for me, avoidance is a relatively new issue, to be very honest. Which is probably why I haven’t taken it very seriously either. Acknowledging that I’m somewhat avoidant about certain things also means that I have to face that I used to judge other “avoidants” in the past. I know most of it is not in our control, avoidance/anxiety about “problems” are just copes, and different people cope differently. And to be fair, “avoidance” is a bit easier to manage than anxiety is.. I think I just liked not feeling super anxious all the time. 

But I know.. I know, to write, or do anything, to move at all, I do have to face whatever it is that’s going on. 

One happy thing before I talk about what I think my current open problems are in life: in the post (the first post), I talk about “dreaming about composing music”! I’d never realised I used to dream about it. Like I’d never acknowledged this dream properly enough to myself! But I’ve successfully composed a few songs, so the dream has been realised.. pretty proud of this! There’s a lesson here— we need to fully acknowledge and voice our dreams to ourselves, otherwise when they come true we won’t even know that we have something worth celebrating! 

Anyway, now to the question of what are the main areas I want to be working towards over the next.. <undecided time-frame>: 

  1. Work stuff, what I want to do for work, job search etc 
  2. Geography.. I have no idea how I will tackle this but I do want to 
  3. Gender stuff— even though this isn’t as urgent as it was maybe even a few months ago, I know  it doesn’t feel fully resolved.. and I know it’s okay for it to take the time it needs, but I don’t want to “not engage” and let the time pass. The “time it needs” will be much longer if I keep running away from the issue. 
  4. Health, too

So, yep, that’s it for now. 

My key takeaways (mostly for myself but also for you in case they’re relevant)?— 

  1. Foster multiple types of cats (and kittens) before adopting and committing for the long haul. 
  2. Balancing documentation with presence is important. 
  3. Voice your dreams! There’ll be more to celebrate if (/when) they come true. 
  4. Compartmentalisation is okay, avoidance is not. 

Cheers, folks xx 

067a – jacob collier + taking up space + living

This is a bit of a morning pages kind of word-vomit and I don’t know yet whether I’ll post it. Let’s see. 

Yesterday was.. quite something. Saw Jacob Collier live and I imagine I’ll be talking about this for years to come. I already feel like I might have been a bit annoying about it with friends, family and social media. I don’t know. 

There is definitely a voice in my head that thinks taking up too much space isn’t okay. I think a bit of it it comes from my parents— my dad takes up too much space in rooms, my mother’s been taught not to. Although, she does take up a decent amount of space in certain rooms, I know she makes herself smaller in some.

Although I’ve gotten MUCH better at taking up space, and I think it’s a very good thing, I do wonder where and when I might have internalised this though. 

Jacob Collier actually talks about this a lot, and although I mostly agree with him, I do wonder if there’s one point he’s not addressing though, which is skill. The people who get good at “creatively” taking space will obviously find it easier to do that. And there is also the second aspect of subjectivity. The other day at reading circle it was easier to take space because the people around were similar to me in many ways. So there was a natural connect, resonance. But if I go talk about the same things in front of people who’ve never had any of those experiences AND are not open / curious enough to listen to what I’m saying, then taking up space will end up making me feel bad, probably.

Then maybe the thing to get better at is how to not take the lack of connect, resonance or general engagement personally. If I’m taking up space and someone has a non-positive reaction or feeling about it, that’s not something I can really help. Or maybe there is a way to take space while bringing the other into it along with you. 

Anyway, that was a nice little side-trip. 

I saw Jacob Collier live and I imagine I’ll be talking about it for years to come with anyone who will listen. There’s obviously a lot of thoughts and feelings and I’d love to really “evaluate” them all but I’m not going to do that right now. Maybe another time. 

Because I’ve had a lot of (ie sufficient) time for emotions and art lately, I sometimes get the feeling that I’m not “living” enough. I don’t know if that’s true though. I imagine that the time I spend engaging with all of these art forms (and learning) should count as living, even if I’m doing it by myself? Or maybe this feeling comes from feeling quite happy and content over the last couple weeks and I’m not too sure how it’s possible that I’m so happy and content. There it is— these last couple weeks have been the happiest I’ve been in at least the last 5-6 months. Are there important things missing from my life, still? Of course. Is there a lot of emotional work I need to do still? Of course. Are there certain situations I still avoid in order to maintain this sense of peace and calm? Of course. 

But am I also regularly moving towards the things I want, the emotional healing I crave, the avoidance I want to cut out? Also yes. Is it slow movement? Yes. But it’s what’s tolerable. I cannot make it faster, that’s just not in my capacity.

Do I still sometimes worry about things suddenly going wrong, or events I may not be able to tolerate? Of course. But I’m trying to let those worries be passing, and not engage with them all the time. 

People, nature and art will be the light to follow while of course being cognisant of my (somewhat limited) capacity to take in the new.