Tag: body

099a – reflective

Haven’t written for over a week. It’s been a decent one, for the most parts. Delhi summers is quite exhausting, however. Not sure how I feel about the coming two months. Realised today that my house lease ends sooner than I thought so that’s something I need to process, and then I also need to take some time out to decide whether or not I want to look for work anytime soon. I don’t know if I can handle (or cope with) two big rocks on my head. 

Going to hang with friends tonight, looking forward to it, been a while. Have some friends visiting next week and also have a weekend trip planned towards the end of the month. Looking forward to both these things. 

Relationship stuff has been pretty smooth so far, quite happy and grateful about that, don’t want to take that lightly. 

My back has been aching for the whole week now— not sure I slept weird or whether it’s the age that’s starting to show up (haha). (Feel stupid to even laugh at this because part of me doesn’t want to make age-based jokes and part of me is genuinely worried whether age-based issues are going to start bothering me at this very (in many ways) young age. 

I think I’m going to take out some time over the weekend and set some intentions for May! Feeling kind of excited about it so I’d love to make use of the energy.

Stopped writing this last night because I didn’t have a lot of time, but back at it today morning. Had a great night, unexpectedly fulfilling actually. 

Woke up feeling a bit reflective today morning for some reason, and it made me realise that these days I feel like I have more memories already in my head (or my body or my heart, whatever) that I feel like I don’t have the space to go out and make new ones. I was talking to my sister on the phone the other day and she was sharing some memories of us from back when I was 2 or 3 (I had asked her if she remembers anything) and really, it was quite overwhelming (in a good way though). [Sidebar: I’m trying to find a word for this—ie overwhelming but in a good way but I can’t.] 

The general theme from yesterday seems to be documentation and preservation. Even with the folks I hung out with, we were actually exchanging a lot of stories from our pasts. 

This week I also complete a year to having moved from Amsterdam to Delhi. I hope I can find some time to reflect upon it all. 

Of course, documentation ties this post up nicely too. Happy to be doing this, happy to be making notes. Happy to preserve and document and reflect on here so I can continue to make more memories, ie live more and live as much as I can. 

Happy May, folks! xx 

073 – in repair (rambles)

 I’ve mostly recovered from the anxiety and panik by now. Back to my apartment and got to hang out with friends today evening. Also had therapy earlier in the morning which of course helped. 

I’d been feeling a lot of apathy towards my body over the last 2-3 days (post panik), because obviously it was a little too scary to get int touch with the potentially scary feelings. 

I’ve started relying on playing music almost as much as I used to rely on writing, so that’s a nice place to get to. I really think you make the best art when you need to. When you don’t have a choice except to make art. Obviously, it’s difficult to get to places like that and you don’t always want to be going there, maybe there’s a way to approach this a bit proactively. If I write and play everyday, maybe I won’t have to reach rock bottom at all. I don’t know, let’s see. 

Anyone who’s been following this blog for a while knows that I believe that combating shame around feelings is the most important thing to do when “coping” with said feelings. So I must admit that a large part of my panic was triggered by some gender incongruence— ie stemming from traditionally feminine roles— ie in this case: the thought of wearing dresses. I’ve never really liked wearing dresses that much (except very selectively) and looks like it’s become a non-negotiable for me now. I also don’t like super feminine makeup and I’m not going to force it on myself anymore. (There’s things I like and that’s all I like, period.) 

I’ve also been thinking about why society asks to keep our insecurities to ourselves. This has always been a pretty big question for me and I’ve always voiced this out, regardless of whether I’m going through tough phases or smooth phases. I know that the generic answer is “well because people won’t know how to respond to them and negative feelings can make other people uncomfortable”.. and while yes, there is maybe some appropriateness to keep in mind, I think this advice hurts a lot more than it helps. Some of my deepest connections have formed after sharing troubles. I mean, why ignore one of the only sure things in life? Human existence is painful. Why deny this? I don’t know.  

Also, I read something about how love is won through disciplined surrender.

Maybe people focus on the disciplined part of it too much and not the surrender part of it. Who knows. I guess everyone has their own versions of what this looks like. Which is fine, I guess. 

Anyway. Anxiety threatens to take over again right now so I must continue to write. I get the feeling that something is deeply wrong though I can’t quite put a finger on it. 

Alright, I did some rationalising and took a stoic-thinking-route (which I must keep private to my journals for now) and I’m feeling a little better. Yes, I do acknowledge that maybe I’m not ready to share all my worst fears yet but suffice to say that that they centre around fitting out and the troubles that come with non-conformity.

Feeling like I wanted to go on an art and music journey but I might have to go on a gender exploration journey instead. This somewhat stifled part of me has been throwing tantrums lately. Or I guess everything can happen parallely as well. 

Feeling a great need for breaks and recovery after doing mildly stressful things. Like a lesson with a slightly strict drums instructor. Sitting in a cafe now, trying out blueberry bubble tea for the first time. Let’s see how it ends up being. There’s Peach Pit playing here which makes me incredibly happy actually. Can’t find the right seating. Man, that’s like literally the only problem when it comes to working out of cafes. The right table ergonomics, the right amount of people, the right music, the right weather (I hate loud fans or super cold air conditioners). I know how this sounds, I know I probably sound very picky.. but I guess I am. But going home just doesn’t feel nice enough at the moment. Maybe I’ll just reply to texts etc instead. 

I’m trying to keep caffeine consumption to lower limits to hopefully reduce the anxiety.  

Some loud enthu kids just came and sat very close to where I’m sitting and now I don’t feel like I’ll be able to concentrate. This is what happened last time as well. Maybe I’ll just update my todo lists etc as well. Okay I did this and I feel sufficiently okay but I do need to go home and manage some of my lists again. I wonder if I need more organisations and/or planning wrt the things that I need to get done. Not sure about this. 

During the day I was of course attempting to affirm myself by telling myself “it’s enough”. Ie whatever I’m doing is enough and whatever pace I’m doing things at is also enough. But I guess hearing these kids talk about scheduling, batching, task management has currently triggered me as well. 

I guess part of everything is also realising that if I do want to prioritise creative projects that are highly personal, it is going to be a little lonely. And of course I am pretty decent at working on projects by myself, it’s still hard to feel like you’re doing life alone, in some ways. 

I guess this was a pretty rambly piece. My apologies, dear readers. I’m working on a couple long-form pieces to bring to you as well, hopefully soon. 

072 – easing up

Today was tough. I want to sleep but I also want to write so that it doesn’t feel like a complete waste of a day. Obviously, it’s okay for a day to be wasted also, in the grand scheme of things, if that’s what’s easier in the moment. But I feel like I’ll be happier if I do something, just anything. 

I’d woken up a bit late today— at noon— but had had a perfectly decent start to the day, except it just took a nosedive around 3pm. I got my period and was hit by an anxiety attack out of nowhere. 

It wasn’t zero awareness, I was trying to ride it out using writing, music, grounding techniques etc and waiting for my parents to come back so I could talk to them. But it was still quite tough. And the rest of the evening wasn’t much better either. I think I still feel like I’m in my head a bit. I think it feels really uncomfortable to tune into my body. I don’t know why. Is it possible that I subconsciously opted for mental pain to avoid the physical discomfort? I don’t know. 

Okay, let’s make some space for the anxiety. What am I worried about? 

Definitely experiencing some body dysmorphia. I’m catastrophizing. So what’s the answer to this? Okay, right now— it’s fine, and I’m going to restart medications soon, and note that whatever is meant to happen will happen. If you’re meant to face the worst, you will. Maybe it will mean that the universe has other plans for you. We’ll find out. But we can’t worry about that right now.

I also thought I was experiencing some gender dysphoria. I’m not sure if that’s what it was and I don’t know yet. I took an online quiz and the results say it’s not that likely. However, I do need to make some space for some of the thoughts related to this because they’re obviously not coming out nothingness. 

A job, I think. But okay, I think I can keep this aside until March. 

I’m also a bit worried about my parents. They get really worried about me and they have their own troubles to deal with as well. Ah, I wish this was easier. 

Too many events, people and commitments. I hate Indian weddings. They always stress me out so much, I’m just going to stop going to them from next year onwards. I can’t take it. Okay actually, I just realised that I’ve never officially added them to my fear ladder, maybe I just do that instead. So that I know that when I am attending one, I’m actually doing an exposure and so it’s okay for me to expect anxiety. On the flip side, I’ve been doing some decent amount of exposure therapy anyway so I should be really proud of myself and I don’t need to be doing all kinds of exposures all the time. So I think I can afford to skip the event tomorrow, I really have enough to drive me crazy already. 

And my primary goals really are existing, maintaining sanity, music project (10 original songs), writing project— so why should I make life more difficult for myself by attempting to do a lot of other things?

Yes, I think making life easier is a good strategy for me to follow for the remaining part of this year. Let’s not try to do too much. Let’s prioritise health (mental and physical) over everything else. I think I can (want to) also keep social media intake a bit on the lower end.

Connected detachment.. man that’s really the thing I want to get better at. Obviously I care so much about everything and I think I like that, it’s one of my strengths, but I really want to be okay with things not working out. Like caring about things is fun in and of itself, the outcomes shouldn’t change anything. 

Speaking of, here’s some fun progress updates on the music front: 

  • Half-completed a decent song yesterday, I was writing about silly things but then the song got pretty substantial out of nowhere. It also felt like a proper click, when you find words or sounds that really feel like they’re capturing the essence of what you wanted to say. And I’m really enjoying the process. 
  • Discovered some interesting chords and sounds today while trying to sing about the anxiety stuff earlier in the afternoon. I think it’s cool. I’m done with 5/10 songs and I think I can definitely write 2 more in December. So that’s exciting! 

I really think sometimes I’m just running around in circles. But I know there is some movement, it just comes really slowly sometimes. Let’s just end this on this note. 

What are some silver linings from today? 

  • Did some writing, made some stronger/newer music (I think) because of stronger feelings
     
  • Was able to reach out to therapist, parents, friend before things got too out of hand
     
  • Limited my information intake, didn’t give in to worst fears
     
  • Communicated a bit with my grandmother also, might be a good step in terms of mental health and sanity
     
  • Feel like I’ll be alright by tomorrow and if not worst case by Tuesday. Which is great progress considering something like today would have taken me quite a few days to recover from maybe until a couple years ago. 

  • Body dysmorphia (not going away but I can cope with it), gender dysphoria (will look into this and avoid triggers), people and events (will cut down), job (will push this a bit more).

    Also, big thing – I actually feel quite better now. Feel like I’m back into my body a bit.

Alright, let’s ease up! Stay sane xx 

068b – diwali but this post is barely about diwali

It’s been a busy three days. We’re celebrating Diwali here in India. I posted a bit already on Instagram about how it ended up being a bit too much for me, especially since I’m celebrating in India after six whole years. It’s mostly over, but I’ve been thinking of regret and “fomo” a lot. On Friday, I was sensing increasing anxiety about the festival, the parties, the firecrackers etc and I was wondering why I wasn’t able to surrender to it all. I was also wondering if I would regret it later, whether I would miss not spending enough time with the family and friends around me while I have them.

But I’ve been thinking about the last few years, and while I did miss spending time with family/friends when I wouldn’t get to see them for many months, I don’t think I’ve missed “big” events too much.

But I’ve also been thinking of this all from the sensitivity lens, and I wonder when things got so intense. Like I don’t remember being bothered too much by loud noises, events, overstimulation etc when I was a kid. 

I think part of it has to do with our collective lowkey-obsession with our physical forms, which always seems to increase around events etc. Now, I do understand why some people like to dress up, etc, but I think there is a bit of an expectation for everyone to do it, and that is what I’m not too fond of. I specifically remember times in my life where I’ve actually really enjoyed events— and those were times where the people I was hanging with weren’t too form-obsessed, where we were doing a lot more than just clicking pictures, commenting on each other’s outfits, etc. 

I did also get a haircut yesterday that I didn’t end up liking (and I miss my longish hair) so maybe that’s got me a bit annoyed as well. 

Talking to my sister about everything really helps though. We spoke after almost 4-5 days today and it’s nice that we’re now able to put some gaps between interactions. (Since our phone calls tend to get pretty long and hence time-consuming). We’ve actually been weirdly in sync about life stuff over the last couple months. We were going through what felt like slumps throughout August and September and somehow came out of them together as October came around. 

I often wonder what the point of these journal-entries-like word-vomits is (ie is there a point to making them public?)— and I’m going to come back to this question soon. Sometimes I feel like I’m being lazy when I write these. But let’s see, I want to have sufficient reasons to why I’m doing this in public. I know I had reasons when I’d started but lately I can’t remember them. Or be convinced by them. I know they hold value for me— more on that later— but I want to be sure of the reasons why I’m doing this in public. Otherwise it’s just vulnerability for vulnerability’s sake and I don’t necessarily need that in my life at the moment. 

I feel better now, though. Man, making space for all the unpleasant thoughts in your brain feels so good. 

043a – body dysmorphia ft. other feelings

I’m tired. Tired of living in my head. And yet, coming back to the present is so tedious. I don’t know why though. I don’t know. Maybe there’s feelings I’m trying to avoid. Who am I kidding, of course there’s feelings I’m trying to avoid. Feelings like.. like I’ve “wasted” my weekend. Like I actually don’t even know what I want to spend my time on. Like the things I want to spend my time on aren’t appealing anyway. Like it’s terribly hard, living in my body, because I constantly feel shitty. I’m sad about how anxious it makes me to step outside on a day I’m not feeling good about myself. My body dysmorphia is so strong. My avoidance behaviours make me feel so disconnected from the world sometimes. 

Okay, 2 minutes of meditation just helped me just now. I also remembered the first time I’d successfully been able to use meditation to feel okay. It was after after my first big/ever breakup. And I vividly remember the pain I was feeling at the time, and this insane urge to “just want to see her” once. I don’t know how I knew what meditation really was (I mean, it wasn’t as big and common a word back then), but I somehow did. And I looked it up and actually went out of my house to just try out some walking meditation. And man, it really was something. I guess awareness can be magical. The awareness that lets me observe myself feeling the shitty feelings. 

Yesterday was the first time I was actually overwhelmed by a positive emotion. I was feeling a ton of excitement about an idea that came to me and I really just couldn’t hold it or process it. I think it was combined with anxiety too, perhaps, which is why it wasn’t purely pleasurable. But I knew it was like 70% excitement and 30% something else. I don’t know. Eventually, I was able to calm down. 

I only have two weeks until I move and that’s kind of not sinking in either. I seem to have a lot of time but nothing to actually want to fill it with. Read a little bit about body dysmorphia on reddit and about how some people struggle with the same shit I do and I feel a little better now. 

There’s a lot of things I do to simply “avoid regrets”. I know that’s okay but I do wonder what life would be like I were able to do things because I “want to” do them. Basically, can pure “regret minimisation” be a good strategy? Maybe not, right? I don’t know, this needs more introspection. 

I really wanna move soon so I can start dating again. It’s been incredibly boring and hopeless over the last 1-2 months since I haven’t been able to do that. 

I think note to self: The third day is always a stretch. I did step out of the house for groceries yesterday but it still wasn’t enough. I think three straight days of “no plans as such” just does not work for me. Gotta stop at two, at max. 

026b – on softness and femininity

Random thoughts from the past have been visiting me lately. Mostly good stuff, thankfully. Memories from my childhood, often a source of comfort and warmth in the cold summers of San Francisco. What a contrast from the summers of New Delhi, eating mangoes at my nani’s house. I remember the one time I was sitting next to her watching TV, and she softly held my palm in hers, told me how pyaare and soft they were. She said she’s old now, so her hands are rough and wrinkly. I told her how I thought they’re rough because she works a lot, I’d read something like that in a book. She laughed and then accepted that without much argument.

I value the softness of my skin a lot. The one other time someone’s opinion of it affected me this much was when I was around 19. The first boy I was ever intimate with. He’d whispered a soft “wow” when he’d touched my arm, and I genuinely felt happy and grateful to have my body loved by someone. There’s something about softness and femininity being related that appeals to me, it appeals to the girl who’s always been “tomboyish” growing up. I suppose she cherishes it because it’s a visible mark of how feminine she is, something that sticks with her regardless of how she presents – regardless of the clothes she wears or the haircuts she sports. 

It took me a while to become comfortable with myself and my body, years and years of misery and therapy and coping, but I think I’m finally getting there. It’s incredibly liberating, as I always knew it would be. I would imagine days like this as something from a piece of fiction, something I knew I wanted but wasn’t sure I could get. Something I was working towards but not actively so. I always thought that societal acceptance would be the easiest path to self-acceptance (even though I knew that sounded wrong, somehow), but I think it was also some sort of rejection at this stage of my life that actually sped up the process of my self-acceptance. I’d been putting a lot of effort into myself when this one brutal rejection came my way. It was devastating, but somehow made me reach a point of “I don’t care about anything anymore”. Or at least, I attribute getting to that point to that event. And with that lack of care came a lot of forced acceptance. You could perhaps call it “giving up” as well, but eventually that evolved to a healthier version of care – i.e “I do give fucks, but mostly only when I want to”.

I don’t have a lot of structure for this post, since I followed a bit of a “I’ll let the words take me where they want to” approach, and though I’m not unhappy with it, I’d love feedback if anyone happens to read this – was this as confusing as it feels to me? Thinking about Rilke’s lines now – thinking about what he said about soliciting feedback on your art. If you delve deep inside yourself, and you create art out of that knowledge and awareness, you wouldn’t have to solicit feedback. I suppose I haven’t delved inside all the way, yet.