break – untitled atm

096a – cyclical longings

Want to write but I don’t know if I have anything to write about today. Not like I haven’t experienced this before and I know that once you start you do generally tend to find things to write about. I did some organisation today and I feel good, albeit a little tired. Made a todo list for the week as well so I’m feeling good about it.

I think I’m going to go ahead and participate in the music school open mic that’s coming up, it would make sense to do it— even though I wasn’t feeling completely upto it until now, but I think that’s just me running away from the discomfort of the thing. I’ve canceled an upcoming Bangalore trip to work on the things I need to work on, and I think that’s the right decision for me. I do have things to wrap up here which I should pay attention to.

Need to plan travels upcoming in the summer, have been procrastinating on that quite a bit. Once I wrap up a teaching project that I have on my hands right now I can start thinking about work, I think it’s starting to give me some anxiety now.* Also thinking of reducing therapy to twice a month or thrice instead of my current cadence which is weekly. Would be nice to save some funds and I don’t think I need it as strongly anymore. The caveat is that I don’t want to fall (back) into any addictions because of this.

Something I realised recently that I’m really happy about is how little I think of my self image anymore. Someone asked me (from a card game) whether I think the image I have of me is similar to how others see me— and I realised that I don’t really have an image of me. I mean, sure, I have certain things— ie I like to think of myself as creative, joyful, interesting in connections, interested in love, maybe a little non-conformist, INFP, sensitive, empathetic, communicative— okay, well, maybe I do have an image of myself. What’s changed then? Maybe the image I have of me is more “true” to me, then. And hence it doesn’t create much conflict in me anymore. Or the image I have of me is related to my inner self and not things related to my outer (physical) self. Yeah, I suppose that could be it.

I was missing Amsterdam quite a bit today, and really I’ve been missing it throughout this week, actually. It’s nice that I’m going to visit in July, it’ll be a good refresher on whether I actually miss it or whether I just miss the good parts.

*In slightly over a month I complete a year to my “break” and while I’m not financially constrained yet, I do think it would make more sense to now join something, something I can be a part of as opposed to just doing things by myself. It’s undoubtable that we can get more “done” or we can create more value when collaborating with others. It’s almost stupid to think we can do something of value purely by ourselves. And at this point, it makes sense to join something even if I don’t know what path I want to take. I think the path will show itself to me the more I “do” things.

Alright, that’s about it for now. Wish you all a great end to March! xx

057b – need a break from constant evaluation and thoughts (read: anxiety)

August and September have been hard. I think truly, the “adjustment” to India began only in August. Living by myself is the only way I can really compare different locations and so May-July didn’t really give me the signal I needed. And boy, living by myself here is definitely hard. Safety (and associated things) is the core problem. Weather is second. Everything else I can still cope with. Or tolerate at least, for the good things.

Anxiety has been way too high. I think January-May was a relatively low anxiety period despite everything, because I’d “made the decision” to move, so I was essentially just enjoying life. May-July was okay as well. Lately I’ve been feeling really scattered, anxious, emotionally fragile, dependent, all sorts of things. I might need to consult my psychiatrist and get back on meds soon. Might help with the next few months.

Even though I have gained some clarity with respect to the question “how do I like to spend my time”, action is still something that proves to be tough on a daily basis.

I think I’m also tired of the “evaluative” thought-process that’s been constantly occurring in me over the last few months. With geography, with the things that I do, with relationships, everything. I really want to just be more present. Like sure, you have bad days and good days, or you have good things and bad things in most days, doesn’t always have to mean something. Yes, I’m doing some data collection but that’s not all I’m doing. Living is primary, capturing signal from living is secondary. And it will be subconscious, I don’t have to actively do it everyday. Reflection is important and I can keep regularly making space for it but I can’t keep reflecting while I’m experiencing. Might need to look a little more into the how of this.

I’ve also been a little unwell but it’s been tough to be easy on myself, because I’ve been so easy on myself over the last few months. I feel like that’s not fair and I shouldn’t have to “make up” for enjoying life but there’s definitely two parts in me that have been fighting on this quite a bit.

To summarise:

[Ick] How to take a break from constant evaluation and reflection, while life is happening? Ie how to be more present and in the moment?

[Ick] How to build more emotional resilience?

[Task] Schedule a session with my psychiatrist, maybe get back on anxiety meds

[Yum] The clarity wrt my creative outlets still persists and I’ve started vocalising it more in front of people as well, so that’s nice.

Alright that’s it from me. Intention for the week is to go easy on myself, hope y’all will do the same with yourselves!

052b – forward-looking

I’m up at 5am like I usually am these days and figured it might be good time for a word-vomit. I have a few updates as well so might be nice to get this out.

Finally found a house! It’s a little heavier on the wallet than I’m completely okay with but the location is probably the best I could have imagined getting, and it comes with a sweet terrace, which I’m very excited about. I’m a little skeptical about the natural lighting, but hoping it won’t be a big problem. Hoping the outdoor space will make up for it. Excited to move soon and hang all my art on the walls.

Finally did my first music open mic last week! It went decently well, the nerves didn’t show up as much as I expected them to, my voice held up, and the audience was sufficiently engaged as well. I ended up having a bad hair day on the day of— a couple years ago this would have driven me crazy, and maybe even made me cancel, but none of that happened— so that’s a lot of progress as well. Of course, this was just the first one, and I’d love to do a few more of these to get a sense of how much I enjoy it. But so far, so good.

I started drums classes! I’ve just had two so far but they’ve been super fun. It’s challenging in a great way, and this is the first time in many years that I’m being super impatient about just getting to do something. Like I’ve always been a student who values theory and techniques etc a lot but this is the first time I find myself getting bored by whatever the instructor tells me and I find myself just wanting to play right away. But I’m quite happy to notice this, since it’s very different for me, and I do think doing is actually a better way to learn than all the theory in the world.

I’ve been working on an original composition with a friend and when we met a couple weeks earlier we pretty much nailed down most of it. Now we’re stuck on the “recording” phase, but I’m excited to do this soon and actually release the song as soon as we can!

Overall, I’m feeling pretty excited about all things music, so that’s been nice.

Three months of my break+move are about to come to an end soon, which kinda bums me out a little bit because it reminds me how fast time flies when you’re having fun. It also bums me out because another three months and then I’ll genuinely have to think about some of the hard questions I’m allowing myself not to think about much right now. ie jobs and money etc.

This break was a great decision. And I’m realising today that phases and times like these don’t come by that easily, so I’m going to try to cherish it as much as I can!

Onward 🙂

041a – big changes

So I finally handed in my resignation letter at work today. I’ve been thinking about this for almost two years now, the first time when work became immensely stressful and I felt like I just couldn’t do it anymore. I’m glad that I didn’t quit then, and yet, over the last few months, even though work was absolutely fine, I still couldn’t stop thinking about “what if I could do something else”.

So.. here I am. Anyway, I don’t have a plan. I don’t know whether there’s an answer to that question. But I’m going to take some time. At least, start with a break. Then give myself a few months (more if needed) to see whether there’s an answer to the question.

To be clear, I don’t think our work needs to be a huge part of our identity, I do firmly believe that the primary purpose of work is a pay-check. And I think I’ll continue to live by that philosophy. But yes, maybe it’s possible to be a little happier at work? Just maybe? I don’t know, but I hope so. Maybe if my overall work satisfaction (this is including the money and the flexibility and all the other factors) is at 6 right now, maybe it can at least be a 7? I know that sounds like a small shift but that’s like a 16% increase, which I think is significant. So, let’s see. Big question marks here.

I’m also moving cities (nay, countries) again. Because taking a break means it’ll be nice to have other forms of support (ie familial, etc), I’m moving back home. I think this is a step in the right direction as well. More and more people are also recognising the value of living in tight-knit communities, and I think I have those structures available back home. I’m optimistic.

I should note that I do recognise that there are 4 big rocks which have the potential to take down my overall life satisfaction — ie individual safety, infrastructure, noise+pollution, conservatism. However, I think I just hope that the improvement in social+cultural satisfaction will be worth that potential cost.

I sincerely think the scary part of this gigantic step is over. Of course I may end up being severely wrong. But for now, I’m happy. And optimistic. And that’s more than enough.

I’ll really miss Amsterdam. It’s a cute, interesting, logistically easy city. Except for the 4 months of winters (which is quite a lot for my tropical self), there’s so much to love and learn from. I’m glad a spent this year here. But life calls, and I must leave for now.