Tag: california

103a – enroute san francisco

Haven’t been able to journal at all. I’m not sure what’s happened to me over the last ten days.. I feel quite dissociated and maybe that’s part of the problem. 

There is a bigger problem though. Every time I sit down to write I can’t figure out what I want to write about. This is not a new problem, but it’s a problem I haven’t faced too recently. Except for the last 2-3 months— wherein this problem has been very present. 

Honestly I’d love to write about how lovely it is that my flight is taking a very scenic route over the Pacific Ocean and how the surface of the water glows under the 3pm sun and how the clouds seem to be merging with the sky and the water and how there are a few islands that I can spot even though we’re probably pretty high up— islands that I think I’m able to spot on the map too— probably the Chanel islands of California. 

I’d love to write about how the water is so beautiful that it makes me realise that despite having lived in California for over three years I never really took a proper dip in the water. I know why I didn’t— but I’d like to change that. I don’t know if I can do that this trip, but within the next couple years, I’d definitely like to change that. 

I feel guilty for expecting too much from people. Luckily my partner is the same as me, so we keep high expectations from each other, I feel quite grateful for that, but hanging out with other people does make me realise that there are enough people who don’t function this way. People who’re willing to tolerate so many little things, who don’t want to change or accommodate or really who’re just not willing to understand the people around them. Anyway, I know this is all abstracted out for anyone reading this to really understand what’s going on, so my apologies for that. 

Y and I want to go away to Goa for a month or so (we recently found that a friend is subleasing her place and it would be perfect for us) BUT I just remember today that I don’t think I have a 2 wheeler license! And one of the main reasons I wanted to go was to be able to practice 2-wheeler driving. What a bummer, eh. 

The pacific coast really is just so beautiful. I can see the clouds so low, they’re almost touching the land.

102b – welcome, september

I think I’m still wired to the “productivity” bug / capitalist lens. Maybe that’s okay to an extent, I know I don’t have to question every impulse all the time. But also there is clearly something that makes me question this particular impulse. I’m in California and jet lagged, but now that it’s 6 am— I felt like I couldn’t just lay in bed and “not sleep” anymore. Felt like I had to get up and do something. 

Anyway, now that I’ve acknowledged that, I’m going to allow myself to give in to this impulse (conditioned or otherwise). I haven’t journaled in a couple days so this is important too. 

Parents and I are visiting sister and brother in law here in San Diego! Very exciting, very nourishing. (very demure, lol). The journey was hella long and I was almost questioning whether all of it is worth it or not.. but that feeling did evaporate as soon as I landed. I still don’t have a verdict, ie I’m still not saying that “it is worth it”, but it might be. We’ll see. 

One of my parents is very controlling and I’m learning to live with that again. I end up being quite overstimulated after half / three quarters of a day and I’m also learning to live with that. 

The light, the sun, the weather, the peace otherwise is quite amazing. Landing in San Francisco felt like a reunion of sorts, I did feel quite a bit “at home”. Of course, more in this feeling after the trip is complete. 

I was quite dreading the three weeks apart from Y but I’m feeling like it’s going to be doable, at least for me. I hope it’s not too crazy for her either. 

I’m carrying my camera this time too (after many, many trips!) and kind of exciting to go out and get some good pictures from that too. Some of my best pictures ever have been from California and I hope maybe I can get something cool again. 

I’ve realised that being interrupted and being “spoken for” are really big pet peeves (triggers?) for me and it’s something that I will at some point need to communicate to the people who are in my life (especially the ones who aren’t mindful about not doing this). But there are two specific people with whom it’s also not easy to communicate certain things. 

I do feel like I have the bandwidth to do “other” things. What other things though, I’m not very sure. That’s the whole problem I suppose. I do need to go out for a walk too— been kind of indoors for around 36 hours… 

Anyway, kind of struggling to get to 500 words right now, so I’ll suppose I’ll stop. Might even be worth thinking about whether I’m still running behind word-count, or can I afford to “challenge” myself in different ways when it comes to this too. But more on that later. 

Happy august! xx