So you might think you’ve found your calling, what next?
This is the main question I’m asking myself this week.
Firstly, because my younger self left me with some decent advice, I’m going to outline some of the reasons and motivations around why I think art or creative work might be calling me. At least, right now. Some fears and worries and hesitations might show up too and I’m going to list those out as well, because they’ve been holding me back from embracing this over the last few months (and maybe even the last few years).
So, why do I gravitate towards creating things if I’m left in a vacuum?
- Emotion management / release. This is primary. I think I have too many feelings almost always at the surface and if I’m not engaging with some form of expression regularly (ie daily, at least), then I’m dissatisfied, unhappy, and often overwhelmed. (OR otherwise I end up engaging unhealthier forms of “numbing” ie alcohol, nicotine, social media, etc). So, this is the healthiest and the most accessible form of emotion management that I have for myself.
- Presence + Joy. These activities (writing, music, doodling, photography, dancing, etc etc) are the most “satisfactory” and “joyful” methods of being present, for me. Aside from maybe talking to people I really enjoy talking to, where our energies can resonate.
- Collaboration. These are also the things I find joy in collaborating with people over. Especially music (I haven’t done a lot of collaboration wrt other forms yet)
- Connection and impact. It’s incredibly fulfilling when people tell you they connect with whatever you put out there. It’s a different way of feeling seen AND making someone feel seen at the same time. People have sometimes told me that some of the art I’ve shared has been healing for them as well, and I care a lot about that kind of impact.
Yep, I think that pretty much captures it.
Now, I feel some of the hesitations and fears cropping up, so let me jot those down:
- I’ve romanticised artists, and I just think I want to “be” an artist, and I might not be truly motivated by the doing in and of itself.
- I know had the creative streak in me as a kid, but it started getting fleshed out more only post 12/13. If I truly liked art then why wasn’t I doing enough of it during peak childhood? (ie from ages 7/8-13)? Isn’t this the time most people (given peaceful childhoods) are experiencing what they truly like to engage with? I used to engage a lot more with science, so why’s it the case that I don’t like the sciences anymore?
I don’t think I can address these fears, really. All I can tell myself is that maybe people change, or maybe people have multiple sides in them. Maybe it’s futile to think your “true calling” is a single thing. Maybe right now this is what I’m curious about, and that’s fine. Maybe science (ie engineering) just got a little too tough for me, and maybe my creative side was just feeling starved. Maybe if I feed it enough I’ll have both these parts of me balanced and secure, and then I can see what’s louder. Or maybe I don’t have to pick. When it’s time to find jobs (ie a few months from now, for sustenance), maybe I can think about this then.
And I am moving through life now with more awareness than I did as a kid (I think). (Side question: What is the difference between presence and awareness?)
Feeling a little dissatisfied with this post though, I suppose maybe because I didn’t really address the “What Next” question. But I’ll continue this tomorrow or later this week. Feeling a little tired at the moment.
But, 60K words! Kind of cool 🙂
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