capitalism – untitled atm

110a – unhappy with the world

It’s only ten days into February but already a lot seems to have happened. Y and I celebrated a year of being together and that was super fun. We both ended up making a lot of hand-made gifts etc so it was really nice to be involved with all that for a few whole days. On 4th though we ended up consuming a very high dosage of cbd/thc edibles which led to an incredibly terrible experience, albeit a major learning one.

I just realised yesterday that it’s such a privilege to have even a few people who read this regularly. I was thinking about a friend of mine who genuinely reads most of my posts and it feels so nice to be seen and known. I feel like if I talk about a thing ten times it also makes it so clear to the people I know how I really feel about said thing. I suppose it can be hard to remember sometimes but this blog helps really drive some points home.

Ooh, I finally decided to go ahead and book the damn flights to the US. Despite the dread, I am super excited to see my sis and my nephew! I’ll plan ahead a bit this time and attempt to make the flights more bearable, but let’s see.

I’ve been playing a lot of Colonist lately (again) but it seems like I may have lost my edge— I’m losing a lot, lol.

I’d like to get back to work sometime soon, the financial anxiety keeps eating at me. But I’m not a 100% sure if I’m like desperate enough to do “anything” or whether I still have preferences about what kind of work I want to do. I think, the latter.. but then the financial anxiety eats at me too.

It feels like everyone who’s in tech just wants to do AI related things, and I feel like I just can’t get myself to be onboard with it. Everything about AI related tools and hacks and solutions goes against the core of what I like— ie enjoying the process, enjoying the micro-work. How are people enjoying this? What is this all about? I don’t get it. Why is productivity and efficiency and optimisation the goal? I mean I get it, I kind of do, of course if you’re a business you’d want to increase efficiency and optimisation, but ugh.. I don’t “really” get it. I suppose I just don’t vibe with capitalism anymore. (Or late stage capitalism, as some people have told me, which is the version of capitalism that has completely ruined some of our lives).

There’s very few companies that I can actually see myself working for, everything else is just something I can’t get onboard with, yet. I hate the idea of “marketing myself”, I absolutely hate it. Perhaps this means that I should focus on skill building so that eventually I can start something of my own. If it’s mine, I can run it the way I want, and perhaps I’ll even see the benefits of AI, then.

Sorry, this got quite venty, though I’m pleased, because sometimes I don’t vent enough because there’s a part of me that feels the urge to do “research” before I vent. But then that stops me from expressing any thoughts and opinions at all. So, yeah. There it is: I detest late-stage capitalism, the current job market and more than everything else, I detest what AI seems to be doing to the world.

Hope y’all are well, xx

102b – welcome, september

I think I’m still wired to the “productivity” bug / capitalist lens. Maybe that’s okay to an extent, I know I don’t have to question every impulse all the time. But also there is clearly something that makes me question this particular impulse. I’m in California and jet lagged, but now that it’s 6 am— I felt like I couldn’t just lay in bed and “not sleep” anymore. Felt like I had to get up and do something.

Anyway, now that I’ve acknowledged that, I’m going to allow myself to give in to this impulse (conditioned or otherwise). I haven’t journaled in a couple days so this is important too.

Parents and I are visiting sister and brother in law here in San Diego! Very exciting, very nourishing. (very demure, lol). The journey was hella long and I was almost questioning whether all of it is worth it or not.. but that feeling did evaporate as soon as I landed. I still don’t have a verdict, ie I’m still not saying that “it is worth it”, but it might be. We’ll see.

One of my parents is very controlling and I’m learning to live with that again. I end up being quite overstimulated after half / three quarters of a day and I’m also learning to live with that.

The light, the sun, the weather, the peace otherwise is quite amazing. Landing in San Francisco felt like a reunion of sorts, I did feel quite a bit “at home”. Of course, more in this feeling after the trip is complete.

I was quite dreading the three weeks apart from Y but I’m feeling like it’s going to be doable, at least for me. I hope it’s not too crazy for her either.

I’m carrying my camera this time too (after many, many trips!) and kind of exciting to go out and get some good pictures from that too. Some of my best pictures ever have been from California and I hope maybe I can get something cool again.

I’ve realised that being interrupted and being “spoken for” are really big pet peeves (triggers?) for me and it’s something that I will at some point need to communicate to the people who are in my life (especially the ones who aren’t mindful about not doing this). But there are two specific people with whom it’s also not easy to communicate certain things.

I do feel like I have the bandwidth to do “other” things. What other things though, I’m not very sure. That’s the whole problem I suppose. I do need to go out for a walk too— been kind of indoors for around 36 hours…

Anyway, kind of struggling to get to 500 words right now, so I’ll suppose I’ll stop. Might even be worth thinking about whether I’m still running behind word-count, or can I afford to “challenge” myself in different ways when it comes to this too. But more on that later.

Happy august! xx

100a – may updates

Back from travels, it was all surprisingly nice. The travel anxieties didn’t hit me as hard as they generally do and the pros (like weather, good landscapes, the general mountainside peace and quiet) was very very worth the little bit inconvenience of the actual “traveling”. Of course, this was also my “first trip” with Y and so I’m quite happy to record that it was all quite smooth.

Being back in Delhi has been quite unpleasant even though it’s just been slightly over 24 hours. The weather is just absolutely horrendous, it’s quite intolerably hot. I really don’t know how people are continuing to function business as usual, and why we’re even expected to. It’s supposed to get better by the end of this week, though, and I’m hoping to god that’s true.

There are sufficient things to look forward to in June, though, so I’m just going to attempt to focus on those for now. Mom’s birthday is coming up, another short trip with friends, plans with Y and her brother, maybe another open-mic or something if the weather gets a bit better— yeah I suppose that’s it for now.

I also want to do more reading and writing, but really, I find myself at a loss of things to write about. It almost feels like nothing else is worth writing or talking about with everything that’s happening in the world. I find that I feel more this way whenever I visit social media, which, in certain ways is good, I suppose, there are benefits to “spreading the word”, but I also feel that sometimes I just end up feeling very restricted. That it would perhaps seem insensitive to speak about anything else at all. This feeling comes up quite often, every time something tragic happens, the news takes over all of social media, and then you do feel insensitive for talking about other things. But I don’t know, I haven’t found a solution to this yet.

My apartment situation has been a bit troublesome and I’ve been feeling some anxiety about how my landlord may not renew my lease, but hasn’t told me about it so far. I think it’s all a bit unfair but I also don’t know if there’s much (if anything) in my control. If they decide to not renew it they ideally do need to tell me in a couple days more at most, so I’m just counting on that. It’ll be quite a bother to move at this time but I have to, I’d rather know about it sooner than later.

Overall, quite upset with how much power differences there are in the world. Capitalism, eh?

Hopefully June will be better than May was, I guess.

I’d also like to learn to be content and happier about the things that are right than be upset about what’s not. Like they say, I’d learn to focus on the positives. I don’t know. It’s tougher than it used to be. I have a good emotional support circle (including friends, family, a really great partner), I am financially okay, and I am in relatively decent health. (Knock on wood). I have creative pursuits that fulfil me emotionally and intellectually, I suppose that’s enough to celebrate?

Then what do I feel that feels so difficult to face? Why do the troubles feel bigger than everything that’s good? I’m not sure. This may be the first time in many weeks that writing about these things doesn’t seem to solve them, either. Could it be that I’m avoiding something else? I know I want to look for work post September, and I know I don’t want to do that right now for sure, yet, I think it does bring up a certain amount of anxiety to think that maybe I’m delaying the search for work for peace and relaxation. Maybe it’s because my music lessons are also paused at the moment so I feel like I may be officially “wasting my time”. Yeah, I think that’s it. Guess I can find something actionable in here.

Okay, that’s it for now from me. Hope y’all are having a decent end to this month! Cheers xx