change – untitled atm

058b – movement

It’s been a rough couple weeks. I wrote in the last post that there are a lot of parts of my life that I feel aren’t working, and that changes need to be made. I think, even though the things that I’ve had to “change” or the process of the change has been quite painful, I think it’s all for the best.

I’ve decided to quit nicotine and it’s already been two weeks, and I think it can stick. I’m reading Allen Carr’s Easy Way to Stop Smoking to help me with this and I think a lot of the things in it make sense. The whole idea is to cut the desire at the root. We always try to escape the craving but the whole point is to really examine the craving and be okay with sitting with it. I’d been trying to do some of that by myself too but I think having external guiding material is much more effective. The other thing that helps it the regular reinforcement of how the craving is genuinely a bit of a false craving. We think nicotine is pleasurable but apparently it only feels pleasurable because it kills the withdrawal caused by the previous round of it in our body (or mind).

Parallely, the task of moving on from a romantic interest has also been thrust upon me. (I underplay this, she was more than a romantic interest, I think.) But.. I think it’s fitting that I’m quitting two things at once. It’s kind of similar, isn’t it? I mean, even though I know that one comes from a more genuine place (ie, heart, soul, etc), I think that aspect of like/love isn’t that hard to deal with. It’s the addictive part that’s harder to deal with.

So overall, with both the things it’s about cutting the desire(s) at the root. I think I’ve been coping pretty healthily. Talking to friends, journaling, using music as an outlet, all good things. Only food is suffering a bit so I need to make the healthier choices when it comes to that, and I will, from tomorrow. (Yes, yes, I know “from tomorrow” is the classic avoidant phrase, but I really will).

A close friend is moving to Delhi and I’m really excited to have him around. I’ve been feeling a lack of social support/circle overall and it’ll be nice to have a bit of an addition to my existing people.

Finally got a couple really big house-tasks done and that’s been a major stress-reliever. There’s a lot more to do (I guess there always is), but I’m trying to lean towards action as much as possible. I think it has to be done regularly, ie the choice to pick action over thinking, it has to made regularly, in majority of the moments. (For me, at least, since I err on the side of overthinking).

(Side realisation: I used to dislike the word “overthinking”, because I thought it implies judgement, and maybe it does, but I’m getting less defensive about it. And I’m accepting that yes, there is a difference between thinking and overthinking, the same way there’s a difference between processing and rumination. There’s definitely limits needed to “thoughts”. For many of us, I’m sure).

Anyway, good stuff. I feel myself growing. (This is hilarious but I genuinely feel it AH)

Alright, let’s go October xx

053b – if I die, do not say I was reckless and stupid

The mind goes to dark places tonight. I’ve recently moved to an apartment by myself in South Delhi, India. Delhi is infamous for being a terribly unsafe city, especially for women. I’m experiencing a bunch of strong thoughts right now, ranging from actual worries about my literal safety to judgement around having made a potentially bad, stupid, not a very thought-out decision. I’m also a little angry with the people who I did rely on for a “second opinion” during my search, who didn’t voice out their concerns when they could have.

I’m trying to access stoicism, even though that’s tough to access when it comes to the worst-case scenarios around this kind of a problem: sexual assault, rape, a range of physical harm, murder. I don’t have reassurance to offer to myself.

So that’s the first part of the problem, but considering it is not the average-case scenario, only the worst-case scenario, I want to address the other part of the problem. Let’s say I have a couple weeks of bad-sleep-nights, and I come to the conclusion that this wasn’t a good decision.. is that so bad? I didn’t originally want to make a fear-based decision based on my past philosophy, but maybe it’s okay to arrive to the conclusion that in certain situations, making fear-based decisions is fine too. (Of course, it’s the more rational thing to do for a lot of people, but the reason I hadn’t wanted to do that until now is because I run more anxious about many things, and I didn’t want my anxiety to impact my life, not too much.)

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Slept off eventually because I was tired enough to, so maybe I’ll continue this another time. I’m planning to have some backups in place though, more self-defence tools, and maybe some self-defence classes. Obviously, if anything major was to happen, this wouldn’t help much, but one can only hope.

Anyway, the daytime is quite nice, apart from it being extremely hot, and I don’t want to keep the air-conditioning on all the time. I don’t know, I have so many conflicting desires in life, not sure how to find a middle-ground with any of them.

I really love the house otherwise, like I can envision everything, once it’s all set up, I can imagine having a really nice stint here, socially, creatively, I think. And post August I think it also won’t be as hot anymore, so that’ll be quite nice. I need to go out for a walk today to explore the area a little bit, though I’m feeling a little lazy.

One realisation I had yesterday was that I’ve had a lot of exposure therapy wrt my anxiety etc in the last couple days, so it’s good to know that when I do need to do things that are non-negotiable, I’m able to do them. This is good for self-trust.

My third month in Delhi has ended, but really, my time here only begins now. Delhi, be good to me. 🙂 ❤

035a – big changes

Really need the noise to quieten down. External, internal, all of it. Anxiety’s been pretty high lately. I “overthink” every little decision I have to go through. Wish some of the days would pass by easier. A 4-day long weekend in the middle of apartment hunting is just the worst. The first thing everyone asks me when they talk to me is whether I found a house yet or not. It’s frustrating, though I’m not sure why. Because I’m worried about it? It’s a trigger, I guess.

Everyone’s priorities in life are so different, it’s hard to remember that it’s okay that that’s the case. The context that’s shaped all of us is so different, even if we may have somehow ended up in the same location at this point in time. Someone said the past doesn’t really matter, it’s what you decide in this moment that shapes you. It sounds wonderful, but I’m not sure if I believe it.

Need to do some of the mundane things: cleanup, etc. Need my space to be better for relaxation. (and work too, lol)

I actually don’t have a lot of “things” to do right now, not too many. But until I finalize a house I’m just not able to focus on any of the smaller stuff, even if it’s really tiny. So far, I think I liked San Francisco better than Amsterdam.. though I’m aware the former has three whole years on the other. I used to think I’m good with casual parties every day and that I might enjoy them too, but man – this city really is on a whole other level. Or so it feels. I do crave some like-minded people around me though. Someone I could really share FeELinGs with.

I’m really envious of people who can adjust to big changes (or I guess even smaller changes) faster. I know I’m not like them, though how I wish I were. I miss the people I’ve said goodbye to, but even more – I miss the feelings I’ve said goodbye to. And it’s that classic problem – even if I were to go back to those people and try to feel the same things, I wouldn’t. Because they were unique to that time. And it’s fine, I’m not closed to what’s in store for me, I know I’ll learn to enjoy other things and other people, but I guess there’s just a lot of weeks I need to go through before I can get to that.

My third week here is about to end in a couple of days. Let’s see what it brings before it ends. Amsterdam, be good to me. 🙂 ❤

014 – it’s okay if life is just one season after another

What if I somehow allowed myself to unwind with writing or with chores? What if I somehow resisted the urge to check twitter or instagram or other social media except for when I want to post? What if my breaks became productive? And honestly, I dislike that word a lot sometimes. But I don’t mean productive in terms of capitalism or whatever, but something that either leaves me feeling better or is otherwise necessary for me to do. Scrolling and mindless content consumption is just something that might give me the “illusion” of feeling better. Right now I’m writing since I’m waiting on a response from a coworker, I should probably be working now instead, but I’m mostly okay with the work I got done today so might as well as do something that leaves me feeling good.

What if I really looked at why I’m unable to let go of so much of my stuff? Why am I attached to things that I haven’t used in a couple of years? I’m definitely a hoarder. And I wonder what the need for “backup” items is. Where does it come from, what does it tell me about myself? What does my stomach feel so tense whenever I think about everything I should let go of? I know part of it is simply the fact that I’ve been putting it off for a while. But the other part I think is simply that.. I feel like I’m not ready to face all of it. Hence I escape and write about it. I suppose I could simply look at it from a “grieve old things, make room for new ones” perspective too, and that could help.

Okay I got distracted. I’m going to switch to using my personal laptop instead.

I think when people say “keep yourself busy” they forget to say that they probably mean “keep yourself busy with things you like to do”. It’s probably obvious but to me I feel like there’s a lot here that I missed out on. Sometimes I make random plans (e.g. social plans, vacations) to “stay busy” but end up feeling worse.

I think I need the time to really look at what I want to be “busy with” next, so that I don’t regret the decisions as much. Regret can be a pretty annoying feeling. Landing in situations where I feel like I don’t have enough control to change can feel extremely heavy. I think once you make a lot of wrong decisions you get quite wary of making wrong decisions again. Though I also think that self-blame for the past and fear of the future is probably just misattribution to some feelings that exist in the present.

I think the internet makes me feel like everyone really has it all figured out. People talk about moves and big changes and it feels like they happen quickly for many people. And maybe they do, but they also happen slowly for a lot of us, and there’s probably nothing wrong with that? I’m in a much better place than I was 6 months ago, and 3 months ago, and 3 weeks ago, and I can probably allow myself to be really grateful for that.

The planning phases are important. But being smart, compassionate and honest during the planning phase is important too. Maybe I was planning in terms of “finding joy”, whereas what I needed to plan for was simply “reduce worries”. It’s like being in an unhappy marriage and planning to find love, whereas the better plan could simply have been getting out of that marriage. Recognizing progress is important for future progress.

And who says I can’t find joy in the little things even when I’m reflecting on the past and planning for the short-term or long-term future? In the past, some of the best things have happened during these periods of limbo and transition. I think I can romanticize pretty much anything. So if I decide to make these temporary periods special, I know I’ll be able to do so.

The pizza dinner you have the first night you move into a new place, sitting on the floor and making plans about the colors you’re going to paint the walls. Developing romantic feelings for a city when you know you’re going to be leaving in three months. Coming to a new city for an internship, planning to only focus on work and getting to know the city but ending up discovering a love for cats instead. Saying goodbye to friends after a vacation and getting unexpectedly warm hugs from some of them.
It’s probably all there, should we choose to look at it. I don’t know why I used to have this feeling of wanting “permanency” and “stability” before letting myself experience joy and happiness, but now I think it’s not that important.

In fact, were these things special because they were ephemeral? What would it really mean, for me to have a permanent job and a (mildly) permanent house and permanent relationships? Would they really be permanent or would I only think of them as permanent? Does the (often false sense of) security actually add much value, or is it mostly illusive?

I have spent a lot of time telling people I miss them. I think the right thing to tell them is that I’m thinking of them. It’s so much more true. I think when we think of people, we’re probably thinking of some specific “time” or moments with them, we miss that. We can’t miss the people because we don’t even know who they might be now. I have spent a lot of time trying to mend broken friendships. But yes, maybe these things were important and special only because they exist in memory, and only because they changed.

So it’s okay that the next few months of my life are going to feel like a summer. And it’s also okay if that’s followed by another.

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References: https://www.goodreads.com/quotes/9324238-the-meaning-of-the-river-flowing-is-not-that-all