chores – untitled atm

094a – blogging is cool

Finally got to rest and recharge today. Got a few chores done post dinner, caught up with a couple friends also, feeling good.

Maintenance, I’m realising is definitely a thing. When buying things, or setting things up, we need to be mindful of how much maintenance they may require. For example, if I add more instruments to my space, I need to consider how much regular cleaning they may require etc. Another thing I’ve been thinking of doing is practicing driving and really getting serious about it. But then car maintenance is an additional thing to consider which I’d never paid attention to until now.

Feeling pretty sleepy but I want to write so I will.

I think I’m in a good space now. Looking forward to this week, finally planned the week a bit too. Planning is something I often struggle with so it’s nice to have structures and people around me who help me with this.

I’ve been watching Schitt’s Creek again and it’s been quite enjoyable. I’d forgotten how much nice, easy shows can improve a day (of course, within their limits).

Thinking I might be able to make some time for domestic travels once again, actually. It’s funny how this works. Get the right people to ask you to visit and then making time and bandwidth doesn’t seem so tough actually. I know this conflicts a little bit with what I wrote here about wanting more time to myself but only a little bit. I’m optimistic that March will give me the time I need and then April will be a bit open again.

Chores and tasks are only a problem for as long as you’re not doing them, funnily enough. We know this, I know this, and yet, it’s only when I actually get them done that I realise this again and again. Doing a little more cooking lately too and I’m quite happy about that. Feels pretty grounding and therapeutic.

I used to often wonder what the point of blogging was if you’re not coming to terms with “insightful things” on a daily/regular basis, but now I think even the pure act of documentation can be quite worthwhile. For one, it helps you remember how you feel about various events happening in your life. Even the pure act of noting that down can help you make better decisions, I think. It helps to know what you’re liking, what you’re not liking, which of course helps you do more of what you do like and less of what you don’t (assuming that is possible). The other thing (this I learnt from the Artist’s Way recently) is that there is only so much “complaining” you can do about a thing until you eventually get tired of it and are “forced” (by choice, funnily enough) to solve it.

Yep, I think that’s it from me tonight. Cheers xx

069b – morning pages + the need to zoom out + finding balance

Want to write a quick word-vomit before I start my day for real. I’m waiting for some groceries to be delivered after which I can make my morning coffee, then I call my sister to wish her happy birthday.

I have enough tasks to be working on today and I have to go out in the afternoon for a chore which I’m almost excited about it. Planning to soak in some sun (however little/much we get lately) and maybe get a coffee from Third Wave on the way back. I’ve also asked friends if they want to get dinner later tonight so we’ll see whether or not that happens.

I also have some house chores to do within today and tomorrow and I’m going to make sure I do get them done.

A thought I’m struggling with is that I’ve been happy to take things (goals, productivity) at my pace (which can be considered a little slow) and although I’m very happy with the pace in the present, part of me wonders if future me might regret not getting “enough” done during this time, because I was “too easy” on myself? I know it’s unlikely that I will feel this way, because I know from experience that the decisions you take for present “real” happiness are never ones you can regret. And if at all we do feel regret, it’s coming from the lack of something else. For example, on certain days lately I almost regret not doing more of music and art even alongside my job, ie over the last 5-6 years. But then, that’s coming from a place of “oh I could have been better at it by now” or “oh I could have a greater chance at “success” by now, if I had”. But it’s important to remember that I do navigate the “present” with decent awareness, and I was doing the best I could with the knowledge that I had.

This is all fair for the past, but the question still remains. I plan to discuss a zoomed out version of my plan and intentions and this conflict a bit more in therapy, and I need to write-up a summary of all of it to share with therapist so that she can review it before our session. I plan to write that today, I imagine it’ll also give me some reassurance.

Struggling with developing songs lately though, and since that is my primary goal at the moment I need to find some more inputs on it all. I think I need to watch more tutorials, lessons and practice scales. Yes, I suppose I can focus on that today and tomorrow.

I think finding balance on everything is the hardest part of our lives. It can literally be the “one” guideline to follow if you have no other guidelines to follow. (One of my friends had actually said this many years ago too, and I think she’s right). But it’s so fucking tricky. How do you balance self-compassion, laziness and “desire” and courage? How do you balance self-love and the search for love? How do you balance freedom with your responsibilities? It’s all quite tough. Maybe I need to make a list of everything I feel like I’m balancing so that I can review this better. I feel some tension stir up inside me as I write this which means I need to explore this more.

I feel a time-crunch upon me right now and part of me doesn’t want to stop writing but it’s also good practice for when sometimes I do need to “ignore” my feelings for a bit when the world and/or duty (or coffee) calls. So I’m going to do just that. Write later!

066a – daily rambles, hello november

It’s a beautiful day to write.

Why do these words ring true? I hadn’t even stopped to consider that it really is a beautiful day today. I woke up a little late today and immediately got to some of the things I try to make sure to do every morning— the routinely stuff, basically— but I think I was operating from a brain lens, not a body lens. And yet, these six words, they brought me back to the present like nothing else had, until so far.

This is the power of words. This is what I want to access more often. I write a lot lately but I know there’s a reason it’s satisfactory only like 6/10 times. Because I’m not feeling it, often. So how do I write in a more embodied way?

I’ve been having the same experience with drums. My instructor is pretty good at this, he keeps asking me to come back to present, to not “think” so much, to “feel” it. And initially, I wasn’t really getting it. I was very defensive (unintentionally). I kept claiming that no, I don’t think I’m thinking too much, and what? Of course I’m feeling it. But then, when I actually felt it, I knew what he’d been trying to say all along. And it’s been lovely. I can’t yet keep the focus active for maybe more than a third of the class, but that third is the most satisfactory.

So I imagine that’s going to be the case for writing too. So, how do I write in a more embodied way? I want to spend more time with this question. I’m running a bit late for class right now so I gotta stop. But I’m going to come back to this.

—

Alright, back at this.

Had a nice action-oriented evening.. attended drums and vocals lessons, bought some food on the way back. Shortlisted some of the poems I want to submit for a thing, resumed lessons with the other kid I’ve been teaching for a bit.

I’m trying to understand how I feel around children. Sometimes I feel really nice, sometimes I feel a bit weird. I think it’s a me problem though. I don’t know, when I’m relaxed and not too worried about my goals and “adulting problems”, I enjoy interacting with kids. But when I have all these things on my mind, it’s generally a little annoying. But I think there’s a lot to learn from them. How to take up space, for example. How to be authentic. How to connect by giving attention. Kids aren’t skilled at having equal conversations, you don’t go in expecting it to be a 50/50 exchange. You give attention without expecting much in return but then you get it eventually. But you get it back in ways you wouldn’t have been able to foresee actually. But that’s the best part.

I have a theory that most kids (hence, humans) are at least somewhat sensitive but when they’re forced to grow up (or for various other reasons like societal pressures) they numb down or dull down their sensitivity— at least a little bit. [More research on this sometime].

Got some laundry done too, I’ve been putting it off for a while.

Stepping out of the house (even for an hour or so) can have such great returns. Should make it a point to do this most days.

041b – pretty much a journal entry

Lots of feelings. Lots and lots. Unable to communicate well with people lately.

One common pattern I’m seeing with “close-ish” friends (but not the ones closest) is that I’m unable to tell them when I’m “bored” of listening to some of their stories, some that I never asked them about in the first place. And these people are obviously unable to guess (or read) that I’m done listening as well. Maybe there is an opportunity to be more clear here. I’m afraid of hurting their feelings though. Okay, I wrote down a phrasing that conveys both parts of the feeling and isn’t as hurtful.

Of course, the stress of the moving etc might have a role to play here as well. I know it does.

Okay but, lots of things to look forward to over the remaining month here in Amsterdam. The days are getting sunnier so I hope I can be a little more active.

Have a therapy session tomorrow so hopefully that’ll be a bit helpful. Another thing I’m kind of annoyed about is how nobody else thinks of therapy as something they could be considering as well. I feel like I put in so much work and it does help many of my relationships, but people around me could be putting in some work as well. And granted, most of the work that I put in is mostly for myself, but considering it helps the relationships too, it’d be so much better if other people were working on themselves (and expressing themselves) as well. Often I feel there’s so much friction because the people I’m talking to aren’t very much in touch with their feelings (or willing to accept them, or willing to accept that there’s something a little more there). And that then requires a little more effort to most conversations.

Anyway, I’ll continue this tomorrow — I just realised I want to unwind a bit and then try going to sleep early-ish.

—

My therapy sesh got canceled which is not the best. Since I still have a lot of stuff on my mind. Woke up pretty late today and not too happy about that, since I need to wake up on time tomorrow, ugh. Couldn’t get much work done though I got some moving-related chores done, so that’s good.

The social responsibilities wrt moving are weighing on me a little bit. ie the whole process of reaching out to the few people I want to meet once before leaving. Although I know it doesn’t make a huge difference if I don’t do this, I still want to. 😦 I feel like half of my conflict on a day-to-day basis is just about how much effort-muscle I have in me vs the kind of goals/wants I have.

There’s a lot of physical energy required by most of my chores/tasks and I’m realising I don’t have enough. So that’s that. I mean of course mental energy too, but that I’m still a little more used to summoning when really needed. Or just knowing how to pace myself so I don’t end up super-exhausted. Ah well.

Anyway, that’s all from me today. Hope to have some interesting stuff to talk about soon!

033b – monday blues

Today feels like the perfect Sunday to try writing a little bit. I have a couple drafts waiting to be released but I’ve been unable to bring the word-count up, so a fresh attempt this will be. The last few weeks have been terribly busy, both actually and mentally. Had internal interviews, had a small public-ish music thing (yes!! more on that in this post, hopefully), had multiple Diwali parties to go to for the first time in a while, and on top of all this I’m making travel plans and god that shit is incredibly time-consuming.

I do feel a little hungover from yesterday night though, so I’m not sure how coherent I might end up being. Forgive me if not very. Smoking has gone up from the last time I might have written anything, so today I’m trying this new thing where every time I feel like smoking, I’m just going to clean up a bit of my surroundings instead.

I’ve been feeling very free ever since Friday went by, though now that Monday’s approaching again I’m thinking about some of the work that I didn’t do on Friday. Probably going to go do that right now and come back to this in a bit.

—

Well, I didn’t pick this up yesterday, but I’m back here now. It’s hard to sit still and write. Today’s been an anxious day again. The sun didn’t come out, and I find that completely kills my productivity. It’s 4pm now and I would like to do things before the light goes away. (Daylight savings sucks, it really does). I really want to restart working out a bit, I’ve completely given it up since the last few months.

Lately, I’ve also been struggling to make emotional space for dating. Not sure what it is, in some ways I feel quite emotionally independent. Which I always thought would be a great thing, but I’m not sure anymore.

Ah, my thoughts are all over the place right now. How does one manage this? Todo lists etc also get old. I keep making new ones every time I have a bunch of new tasks on my radar. Maybe I’m over-stimulated. That’s a thing, right? Maybe I should meditate a bit after this is done. Provided that ever happens.

Work’s been a little annoying, there’s a bunch of vague things I need to get done. It’s not super stressful but most of the stuff isn’t well-defined.. which was rarely a problem for me before but I think today is just not a good day for me, perhaps. I should also cut myself some slack, my “move” problem takes up a lot of space in my head, without me being able to account for it. Guess I should wrap that up by the end of this week.

Alright well, this really was just a brain dump. My apologies, folks. I’ll hopefully have something interesting to talk about soon enough, and I’ll make time and space to make it a coherent read for you.

031b – welcome, september

Humans don’t provide much comfort today, so here I am again. Have to get over more feelings I recently acquired. Vulnerability doesn’t feel easy either. Friends are good, nice, magical even, but things are hard still. Art is nice, helpful, magical even, but things are quite difficult anyway.

Been watching this show called Normal People and Hulu and it’s probably one of the best, most beautiful things I’ve seen on TV. Pretty emotionally intense, to the point that it can even become hard to watch sometimes, but man did they do a good job on it.

Life is a little tough lately, the matters of the heart have come around to bother me once again. I will be spending the next few weeks attempting to get over someone. Once again, I find myself wishing that feelings were easier, though I know that wouldn’t achieve anything. I want time to pass faster because I’m hoping it’ll do its thing, but I also don’t want it to – for multiple reasons, one simply being that I only have a few more months here in the States.

I spoke to an ex on call after a few months today, and if I’m being honest it made me feel really good – mostly because I realized how, given enough time, feelings do pass, and eventually you’re able to see people as simply friends, or people, regardless of how strongly you might have felt about them at a point in time.

I have 1.5 days of the long weekend still left with me, I’d like to catch up on chores and some housework before Tuesday arrives – things have been pending for quite a few weeks now. I also wanted to work on some music stuff, but unable to find the inspiration for it. I know the lyrics are decent and the melody for the verse is pretty decent too, just haven’t been able to figure out how the chorus should go. Ah well, should probably treat it with a little more respect and just sit down at my desk to work on this, rather than hoping that it’ll come to me in my sleep or something. Also want to make some travel plans for the end of this month. And as usual, need to follow up on some emails. Wow, this might just be turning into a verbose todo list.

Anyway, love (or lack thereof) is hard. I miss having constant friends (people) around. At this age people move around so quick, or they keep traveling, or they’re just busy. Everyone’s seems to be living in the abundance mindset, maybe I need to as well. My smoking addiction is off the charts – noting it down here so I have some accountability. Maybe I should get a vape to transition into quitting. Sleep’s been much better though.

Clearly haven’t written in a while since 500 words is getting hard to reach. I know it’s not a big deal but I’ll try to be regular again (for myself, of course). Happy September!