Tag: clarity

103b – foggy

Up early even though I don’t think I’m fully rested. Probably the jet lag. The last 3-4 days have been kind of confusing— happy to back to Delhi in some ways but also very dysregulated in some. Don’t think this is the city I want to continue to live in, but also very unsure of “where to, next”. I do feel the need to organise my space a bit, it’s been very cluttered lately and I feel like it’s a factor in how blocked I feel with “productivity”. 

Been feeling quite directionless (well, pulled in many directions) but stagnant because one is not much stronger than the others. I do miss being creative and the ability to just sit down with myself and my thoughts for hours and hours. I think I need alone time. 

The SF trip was super fun and I’m glad I did it. It did however make me feel like I do miss certain parts of that life which I must try to incorporate into my current life. What are those parts? I think better weather, more mobility, walkability, cleanliness outside, going out more often, feeling more energetic and active. But primarily, better weather. I feel like weather makes SUCH a huge difference to my nervous system but I have only properly realised that now. I don’t know how I was able to spend more than a year in India without fully realising the gravity of how much I was not able to be “fully” myself. 

There are certain things that I am interested in beginning, but unable to find myself from actually doing it. I think I’m feeling a stagnation that I just can’t describe properly. I know the only way out is to actually go ahead and do said things, but.. 

I think A needs a lot more help than she’d care to admit (and it’s the same for me, in so many ways), and I also don’t want to push any of my “new” ideas of productivity on her. Well, I don’t know where this is coming from. Maybe certain thought patters of her are affecting me a bit too. And again, that goes back to needing my alone time. 

I’m also VERY conflicted about pursuing something so that it can eventually fetch me some money or to actually go ahead and try those almost no-income internships/opportunities just to understand the kind of work that exists in those kind of roles. My heart says to opt for the latter, because not sure when’s the next time I’ll have the chance to make that kind of a choice too, what if things change in life a couple years down the line where I definitely have to make the more monetarily-informed decision.. so yes, it makes sense to go ahead with what I want right now as opposed to what I necessarily need. And yet, everytime there’s a delay in any of it, I find myself questioning things again. 

Well, there is it. I do have some answers. Going to go ahead and act on them. Cheers, folks! xx 

057a – some clarity

It’s been a difficult week. Anxiety has been super active, and I’ve found that it likes to focus most on two subjects: career and love. 

The interesting thing to realise is that my anxiety doesn’t focus on geography as much lately. (I think this could be a sign that India is working well for me, potentially. However, I know that it could be conditional on the fact that I have kept my daily frustrations minimised to a high level. I think I do feel more number of smaller, daily frustrations here and yet feel more of a long-term overall groundedness. But if the frustrations were more for any reason, there is potential for that to rock that feeling of overall stability, of course). 

re: career

I’ve gotten more clarity on this as well. I’ve found that music and writing are the two forms of creative expression that I gravitate most towards (for various reasons which I know very well but don’t need to list out here). I can legit sit at home and play, sing and learn music all day, and that’d keep me at peace and also happy and also satisfied, fulfilled. If I were living in a vacuum, I’d probably continue life the way it has been over the last couple months for at least another couple years. But because we live in a society, and money is a thing, I’m thinking I’ll start looking for part-time, remote jobs (what kind, I don’t know yet) starting January. This would still allow me to continue to spend on creative pursuits, I think. And then I can always reevaluate. 

I also think I’m not a big fan of the term “career”. I don’t think I’ll be working on building another career, so to speak. I’m probably more aligned with the idea of jobs, yes, when you need money, and otherwise of course spending your time meaningfully is important, and for me that meaning can be derived from the little things. In the current phase of my life, majority of my “work”-time would be devoted to creative expression, whether or not I share the results with the world or not. It’s what allows me to best explore my inner world (and maybe even the external world), and it’s what gives me the most joy and meaning. Whether or not it’s enough for long-term satisfaction is something I’ll probably know with more time, but for now this is enough. 

re: love 

I’m learning to focus more on the present, as opposed to worries about the future. This is obviously valid for life in general too, but can sometimes really show up with relationships and dating stuff. I’m learning to work on some of my anxious-attachment symptoms, therapy has been super helpful with all of this. I’m learning to listen to my body and my gut as opposed to my mind. My mind is very loud, tuning into the body is often the only thing that helps me be closer to what I really want. 

Time to head out for my vocals lesson. Cheers!