Tag: comfort

083 – reflections

Alright, January is here. I did some reflection earlier in November, but I’d also known I’d want to do it January, again. (It’s so much fun!) Luckily, my sister sent me a guide that she found which looks pretty interesting. So I’m just going to use that format to do this. 

(Always) make your questions bigger than your answers 

Q: What was the biggest question I answered this year and why was it important? 

Hands down has to be the question around how much do I enjoy art and creative pursuits, and how much time can I spend on these activities. The enjoyment is unparalleled, these activities give me a sense of deep joy and fulfilment, something that I only get from nature and people otherwise. I don’t know yet whether I can spend 40 hours on these activities but if I keep cycling between them in some way or the other, I can. This was important because really it feels like a way of life and I probably want to design my life in a way that I can keep enough time and energy for it. 

Q: What are the three questions I want to gain answers to in the next year, why are they important? 

  1. What do I like more between music and writing? If at all there is an answer to this— or what would I like to prioritise, or focus more on? I do think I get more unadulterated joy out of music, but I’m not a 100% sure yet. I do think I need both in my life. It’s important because prioritisation is very important to output, and I’d want to have clarity on this.
  2. Am I able to look at Delhi or any other Indian city as a place I can settle in, long-term? 
  3. What is my relationship with gender, masculinity and femininity? 

(Always) make your purpose greater than your money 

Q: What achievements over the past year most aligned with your purpose? What are you most proud of? 

  • Moving to India (because it helped me spend more time with art and music) 
  • Starting drums and learning keys more 
  • Doing more songwriting 
  • Music open-mics, poetry open-mics 
  • 20-30K words on my blog, started substack, wrote a lot more poetry

Q: What impact do you want to have over the next year? What actions will give you the greatest momentum toward this goal? 

  • (Attempt to) release an EP (or a single at the least) 
  • Write more songs  
  • Try out more production 
  • Collaborate with more people (find people with complementary strengths) 

(Always) make your confidence greater than your comfort. 

Q: Looking back over the past year, where did you expand out of your comfort zone? In what ways are you more confident now as a result of this expansion? 

All the achievements I’ve listed above involved a lot of stepping out of my comfort zone. I’ve done a lot more exposure therapy wrt my anxieties as well. Even before to India, I’d done a lot of new things in Amsterdam itself. (Meeting new, diverse people, poetry open mics, more biking, etc). I’m definitely a lot more secure as a person lately, or at least a lot more accepting of me, my flaws and my limitations. I post a lot more without thinking about it, I invite people in my inner circle more easily. I trust “vibes” and frequency a lot more than “thoughts”— which is only a result of positive experiences which have come out of an inherent trust in life and the universe. 

Q: What new commitment will require a jump in capabilities over the next year? What will be possible in making this leap? 

Since releasing an EP is my biggest, most-important goal in the coming year, I would need a lot more trials, experimentation, technical skills, etc to make it all happen. Primarily I feel very blocked by the idea of sound mixing and editing and whether I want to do it myself or find other people to do it will become important to answer. But I can only know by trying it out, so I will need to get over that blocker and just do it. Making an action plan can help, I imagine. Which I will- this week. 

(Always) make your cooperation greater than your status. 

Q: What is an example of extraordinary teamwork or collaboration from this past year that created a big breakthrough? 

Q: What teamwork will be essential to your multiplier goals this year? 

Kind of the same here. Do a lot more collaborative music projects as opposed to solo projects. Learn to rely on other people for things that I’m not very good at, especially if they’re willing to do it. (For example, mom for help with house decoration etc, domestic help for taking care of house maintenance, food, etc), so on so forth. 

(Always) make your enjoyment greater than your effort. 

Q: Looking back over the past year, what activities, team- work, or projects provided the most enjoyment? 

Q: Going into next year, what strategies or delegations will free you up to focus more on the activities that fascinate and motivate you most? 

Again, this is the same here. I’ve already been focused on joy and fulfilment more than other things. So, pretty sorted with this. 

(Always) make your gratitude greater than your success. 

Q: Who are you grateful for in your life right now? are they important to you? 

Q: What can you do to demonstrate or express your gratitude to these people? 

Note that success to me is waking up happy, having a decent day, and going to sleep on time or getting enough sleep in the day, doing my healthy things, not resisting negative feelings that come my way, not resisting external situations too much. That being said, I feel like I do express a good amount of gratitude for the good people in my life. So, again, kind of sorted on this. Will obviously also make a Bangalore trip to visit close friends and kind of thank them, in a way. I suppose since quality time is my love language, I tend to prioritise that for people I love. But maybe I can also look at how people like to receive gratitude, and not just rely on quality time.

(Always) make your performance greater than your applause. 

(Always) make your performance greater than your applause. 

(Always) make your learning greater than your experience. 

(Always) make your future bigger than your past. 

Looking at these questions, I’m realising that the answers for me are pretty much centered towards creative pursuits (esp music), so I’m just going to leave the last few questions unarticulated, since they’re pretty repetitive even in my mind. 

I’m linking the doc here in case anyone’s interested in referencing it for their own reflections! 

Happy new year, cheers xx 

074 – you have to write about the questions too

I don’t think enough writing can be done if your aim is to only write about the answers. I think you have to be open about the questions too, primarily because for someone like me, even the answers are found through writing. Of course, this is one of those times where the questions I’m seeking answers to are a little scarier than the ones that were present in my life over the last couple months. Questions like “Do I like to write as much as I think I do?”, “Can I make 10 original songs?”. Based on everything that’s happened this week, those questions are easy. Even “failure” in that aspect feels so easy to cope with. 

So what questions am I talking about then? 

This week, the questions have been: 

Q: Does the label woman not fit me well anymore? Could I benefit from labels like genderqueer or gender-fluid or nonbinary a little better? 

This one obviously came with a lot of grief. Realising how attached I was to this label was a revelation. Actually, it wasn’t a revelation. I knew I was quite attached to it. Growing up, I was quite often called a “tomboy” and I never actually liked the word. I don’t know why but I didn’t like being made feel “masculine” just because I liked to wear conventionally non-feminine clothes. So, then, feeling feminine and actually liking the label “woman” was a relief. If I liked the label, if I liked feeling feminine in my own ways, then clothes and presentation didn’t have to matter as much. I actually remember feeling quite happy when I got my first period. Despite all the crap it meant (ie monthly bleeding, cramps, PMS, etc etc), it made me feel great – like I finally belonged. 

I don’t know enough about how I feel about this label anymore, but I’m going to take this slow. It’s entirely possible that the label has served me well until now but it just doesn’t anymore. We’ll find out. 

I will be moving (or attempting to move) towards some detachment from it so that I can find out whether I’ve just been “tolerating” the label or whether I actually like it. 

Of course, it’s also worth keeping in mind that I may not want to think in terms of “man” or “woman” anymore. Currently, both words make me feel a bit icky. Which might be understandable because both words currently carry so much more within and around them. What a conventional man or woman looks like, their associated qualities, what society expects from each of these roles, etc etc. 

Why is this scary?— someone had asked me earlier. I think it’s only scary if I start thinking about the sexual identity aspect along with this as well. That is, 

Q: Do I not like my female body anymore? 

This one, I don’t think I want to explore just yet, not by myself. I want to understand how I feel, internally, before I start thinking about my form. After all, I am more than my form. I am more than body. Of course, I’m grateful for my body— it helps me sing, it helps me write, it helps me dance, it helps me paint, it helps me play instruments, it helps me smile, laugh, run, walk, sit, talk, eat, see, sense, etc. So, yes, I’m grateful for my body, and currently, acceptance and gratitude is all I can offer it. 

I wish I could tell you that writing about these questions makes me feel better. But the truth is, it only makes me feel a little better. So— then— there are some other questions that I think can help me cope with the heaviness of these ones, while I live and figure out the answers. 

Q: How do I comfort myself? 

I know I have people who love me, support me, are willing to talk to me about all this and that’s amazing and I’m incredibly grateful. But here’s the thing. Sometimes the hardest moments are just your own. You’re the only one who has to witness them, and you’re the only one who has to remind yourself that everything is passing. Compassion, music, kindness, self-love, I have to vocalise all this to comfort myself. I have to explicitly tell myself that I’m capable of finding my way out of this chaos, that I am capable of supporting all these confused, fearful, anxious parts of me as well. 

Q: How do I find joy and hope when I’m sitting in what feels like rock-bottom? 

Overlapping with the previous one, mostly. Went to a really nice concert last night and that really helped. It has in the past too. 

I remember April 2022, it had been over a month since I’d moved to Amsterdam. The housing market was proving to be super difficult and I was terribly anxious about not being able to find a place in the time-frames that I wanted. I was staying in my third hotel in less than 2 months, and I was about to enter a depression pit. But we had tickets to Peach Pit (one of my all-time favourite bands) and I put in all the effort to just GO. It was kind of the same last night. So I guess community events that are also aligned with my values and interests could be an important way. And of course, affirmations. We’ve made it this far, we can make it farther. 

Q: When do I feel powerful?

I don’t know where this came from exactly and power is not something I seek, but maybe so many feelings of of fragility, insecurity, weakness naturally beg this question. I think mostly, I feel powerful when I’m in awareness. Every time I can remind myself to come into awareness, whether it’s with positive daydreaming or even negative thought-spirals, coming into awareness can be an incredibly powerful and revolutionary act. Yesterday morning, it was after doing a “what am I feeling?” exercise, and turns out I was feeling a lot. So yeah, I think I feel powerful when I can be aware of everything I’m feeling or thinking and not let it consume me. It’s not about control, more about simply not being controlled by anything.