Tag: commitments

107a – do whatever you want

Went back on a commitment today. It feels quite terrible, my inner critic makes me feel like I’ve committed a crime, almost. I thought about it a lot, but I do have my reasons. I’m just not feeling it. I remember feeling the same way when the context has been that of romantic relationships. I remember going on two, three dates with someone and then wanting an out— it used to feel shitty as fuck. God forbid if it were more than three dates. 

Why does changing my mind make me feel so shitty? Or, even if it’s somewhat shitty in a romantic context, it’s not as shitty in a professional context, is it? I want to believe that it’s okay to do this as long as I communicate well with the other party. And I am— I’m doing that.. and yet? 

I guess there’s some aspect of FOMO and the idea of “burning bridges” involved. Like the idea that if you let an opportunity go by, it’ll come back to bite you. And maybe that’s true.. but how can I do something that I just don’t feel like doing? Not until I have to, not until it’s survival mode, I guess. 

There are other things that I want to do. I want to focus on them. I want to remind myself that I can do decent work when my heart is in it. Like this word-vomit, for example. I feel really attuned to myself when I write and when I own up to my feelings. 

The shitty of going back on a commitment is nothing compared to the sad I feel when I allow a “should” to walk over me. The should of “grabbing opportunities”, the should of “paying my dues”, the should of “work and productivity”, the should of “let’s just get out there”, the should of “I’m wasting my time otherwise” etc etc. 

I’ve done (and completed) other things despite anxiety and resistance, so I cannot allow my inner critic to tell me that I don’t do anything. 

Well, I guess this is it. Have to feel the regret and remorse of actions and feelings. Have to come back to myself, repeatedly, regardless of how tough it feels in the moment. Hopefully, tomorrow I’ll be happy that I did this. Tomorrow I’ll be happy that I have my day to myself. 

What am I going to do now? I’m going to make some plans for tomorrow and the week onwards, and then I’ll figure out dinner. 

Anyway, that’s it. Hope you’re having a better day than I am, folks! xx 

098b – denial, dreams, distractions

Some days are better than others. Today for example I made a commitment to face an unhealthy habit I’ve been running away from for too long. I crossed off more tasks than I added to my very long backlog of tasks, I did vocals practice and funnily enough, also got sufficient sleep (something I hadn’t really been able to over the past week). 

I imagine these word-vomits aren’t of much use to anyone else, and I know I’ve mentioned this probably a hundred times here now. However, very recently I got something nice from a word-vomit, ie writing that I actually liked and found more satisfactory in terms of content and quality, and that I was also able to flesh out into a longer post of sorts. Something I’d happily want to share with a broader public too. 

Trying to be better at combating denial. Denial keeps me so stuck sometimes, I lose out on days and weeks. Also trying to get more in touch with whether my goals and dreams are important, and if so, how much. I feel like the last month or so has been a bit of “ah, we’ll see, we’ll figure it out” and that’s a fine response to the anxiety of it all but I don’t want it to become an excuse to not do the things that I care about. 

I think, if I decide that my goals and dreams ARE important, I will definitely have to narrow focus a bit. Even though last week I did acknowledge that narrowing focus makes me a bit anxious, I do think it might be important. And of course, narrowing focus doesn’t mean I would need to cut down on the other things completely! I can just know what takes higher priority. So, yeah, maybe I do a prioritisation exercise again. 

Man, absolutely detest it when I get distracted from a post and pick up my phone in the middle of distraction. I really want these takes to be as one-take as possible because otherwise I feel like I don’t really uncover anything. I feel like scrolling and social media and my smartphone is definitely a very harmful distractor. It really just hits a reset button on the journey that is inner exploration. It’s like you have to start again, start from the top, swim all the way back into the ocean again. You’re just left making small talk and repetitive analogies for a whole paragraph.

Struggling a bit with the whole situation of being interrupted in conversation. I’m finding that I do get affected quite a bit when I’m interrupted, but I’m also finding that I haven’t fully owned how much I don’t like it. Would like to explore this in therapy for sure. There are a couple more things I’m struggling with. Again, not something I can explore by myself but writing it here allows me to remember it. 

Apologies, dear readers, hopefully the vagueness can be excused. 

Alright, that’s the most focus I can muster up today, I think. Happy last week of April! xx v