conflict – untitled atm

106a – values exploration (pt 2)

I haven’t written much in a while. I’m unable to complete essays, unable to begin poems and I just don’t seem to have enough material for word-vomits. Of course, from past experience— and I’ve said this multiple times before— I know that it’s rarely the case that one doesn’t have enough to write about. It’s generally just that the stuff that’s going on is something perhaps one doesn’t feel open enough to share, or doesn’t want to share, for various reasons.

But I promised myself early on that to the extent possible, I would write in public. Of course, I need to be considerate of other people. This is coming from the fact that something I wrote a few weeks ago caused some conflict in a relationship of mine. To be precise, the conflict wasn’t really about me writing about it, so much as it was about me thinking certain things at all. And all that is fair. We’ve moved on from it (it’s not completely resolved), but to the extent possible— it’s not an active problem.

But that did awaken the “I need to be considerate about people who may end up reading these” thought in me.

I find myself in conflict with a few people lately. Some personal, some professional. I believe that’s because the more time I’ve spent “just” by myself or just with a few people, I’ve gotten a stronger sense of my values, beliefs and boundaries. Of course, nobody wants to live on an island, and if I lose too many important relationships, I would really have to question whether it’s me that’s the problem (ie do I need to adjust more, accommodate more and be more tolerant of certain things), or is it okay to lose relationships that don’t serve me anymore.. and I’m willing to face this question, but currently I think I stand with the former explanation— that is, I don’t want to be “tolerant” if it comes at the cost of some amount of self-abandonment.

A lot of people say that people’s core values cannot be changed. So when you are deciding whether to continue a relationship with someone, you really need to trust what their values are telling you. But I don’t think that’s necessarily true, I do think one can get “more in touch” with certain values with time and different life situations. For example, I didn’t really know how much I cared about freedom until even a couple years ago. It’s only this year that I’ve experienced freedom to a much larger extent than ever before and that’s taught me that I really value it!

(This newfound value for freedom is also urging me to explore and learn about various economic models (and the politics around them) and I’m finally getting started with something I’ve been wanting to do for a couple years now— ie forming an opinion on where I stand wrt capitalism etc. More on this later though!)

Anyway, I looked up the post from when I did a values exercise last year (sidenote: it’s nice to see that’s almost exactly a year ago from now. Something subconscious, it feels like). I found that freedom isn’t in my top-5. It’s not exactly up there in my top-10 either but there’s choice, which I’d say is synonymous for me. I’m going to go ahead and put freedom at 6, just for my current explorations of what I really care about. So here’s my updated list:

Authenticity (This is the only one I’m a 100% confident about)
Gratitude
Kindness / Love
Health
Learning
Freedom / Choice

I’m not getting around to making a point actually. Here’s what I’d recap with:

I’m questioning my core values, but that’s okay, I have a working understanding of them
I’m realising that it’s not true that people’s core values don’t change over time (they may not “change” per se but I do think it’s possible there’s some fluidity there)
I’m questioning why there’s an increased amount of conflict in my life lately, do I need to introspect or is it just a direct result of me getting more clarity about what I care about

Yeah, I suppose that’s it, really.

Happy October, folks xx

103b – foggy

Up early even though I don’t think I’m fully rested. Probably the jet lag. The last 3-4 days have been kind of confusing— happy to back to Delhi in some ways but also very dysregulated in some. Don’t think this is the city I want to continue to live in, but also very unsure of “where to, next”. I do feel the need to organise my space a bit, it’s been very cluttered lately and I feel like it’s a factor in how blocked I feel with “productivity”.

Been feeling quite directionless (well, pulled in many directions) but stagnant because one is not much stronger than the others. I do miss being creative and the ability to just sit down with myself and my thoughts for hours and hours. I think I need alone time.

The SF trip was super fun and I’m glad I did it. It did however make me feel like I do miss certain parts of that life which I must try to incorporate into my current life. What are those parts? I think better weather, more mobility, walkability, cleanliness outside, going out more often, feeling more energetic and active. But primarily, better weather. I feel like weather makes SUCH a huge difference to my nervous system but I have only properly realised that now. I don’t know how I was able to spend more than a year in India without fully realising the gravity of how much I was not able to be “fully” myself.

There are certain things that I am interested in beginning, but unable to find myself from actually doing it. I think I’m feeling a stagnation that I just can’t describe properly. I know the only way out is to actually go ahead and do said things, but..

I think A needs a lot more help than she’d care to admit (and it’s the same for me, in so many ways), and I also don’t want to push any of my “new” ideas of productivity on her. Well, I don’t know where this is coming from. Maybe certain thought patters of her are affecting me a bit too. And again, that goes back to needing my alone time.

I’m also VERY conflicted about pursuing something so that it can eventually fetch me some money or to actually go ahead and try those almost no-income internships/opportunities just to understand the kind of work that exists in those kind of roles. My heart says to opt for the latter, because not sure when’s the next time I’ll have the chance to make that kind of a choice too, what if things change in life a couple years down the line where I definitely have to make the more monetarily-informed decision.. so yes, it makes sense to go ahead with what I want right now as opposed to what I necessarily need. And yet, everytime there’s a delay in any of it, I find myself questioning things again.

Well, there is it. I do have some answers. Going to go ahead and act on them. Cheers, folks! xx

041b – pretty much a journal entry

Lots of feelings. Lots and lots. Unable to communicate well with people lately.

One common pattern I’m seeing with “close-ish” friends (but not the ones closest) is that I’m unable to tell them when I’m “bored” of listening to some of their stories, some that I never asked them about in the first place. And these people are obviously unable to guess (or read) that I’m done listening as well. Maybe there is an opportunity to be more clear here. I’m afraid of hurting their feelings though. Okay, I wrote down a phrasing that conveys both parts of the feeling and isn’t as hurtful.

Of course, the stress of the moving etc might have a role to play here as well. I know it does.

Okay but, lots of things to look forward to over the remaining month here in Amsterdam. The days are getting sunnier so I hope I can be a little more active.

Have a therapy session tomorrow so hopefully that’ll be a bit helpful. Another thing I’m kind of annoyed about is how nobody else thinks of therapy as something they could be considering as well. I feel like I put in so much work and it does help many of my relationships, but people around me could be putting in some work as well. And granted, most of the work that I put in is mostly for myself, but considering it helps the relationships too, it’d be so much better if other people were working on themselves (and expressing themselves) as well. Often I feel there’s so much friction because the people I’m talking to aren’t very much in touch with their feelings (or willing to accept them, or willing to accept that there’s something a little more there). And that then requires a little more effort to most conversations.

Anyway, I’ll continue this tomorrow — I just realised I want to unwind a bit and then try going to sleep early-ish.

—

My therapy sesh got canceled which is not the best. Since I still have a lot of stuff on my mind. Woke up pretty late today and not too happy about that, since I need to wake up on time tomorrow, ugh. Couldn’t get much work done though I got some moving-related chores done, so that’s good.

The social responsibilities wrt moving are weighing on me a little bit. ie the whole process of reaching out to the few people I want to meet once before leaving. Although I know it doesn’t make a huge difference if I don’t do this, I still want to. 😦 I feel like half of my conflict on a day-to-day basis is just about how much effort-muscle I have in me vs the kind of goals/wants I have.

There’s a lot of physical energy required by most of my chores/tasks and I’m realising I don’t have enough. So that’s that. I mean of course mental energy too, but that I’m still a little more used to summoning when really needed. Or just knowing how to pace myself so I don’t end up super-exhausted. Ah well.

Anyway, that’s all from me today. Hope to have some interesting stuff to talk about soon!

016 – the mere-exposure effect

I love writing. Or at this point I can simply call this filling up a page with words. It genuinely makes me feel alive. I was going through a phase of loneliness and I kept going back to this idea of “a person is a person through other persons”. And that still may be true, but since I’m not feeling lonely anymore, I don’t have to think about it all the time.

So once (or while) my basic needs are fulfilled, writing genuinely makes me feel alive. Sometimes I want eyes on the stuff that I write, but often I don’t care as much. It’s almost addictive, letting the words flow out of my head, through my body and out on the screen. I think I genuinely achieve flow when I write. Not always, but often enough to enjoy it. And sometimes I’ll aid myself with good music and a nice beverage.

Nothing new, but conflict and being misunderstood is still on my mind, a lot. I don’t currently want to dive deep into it since I feel like it’ll bother me. But I suppose I could dip a toe in and see whether it does.

I had another argument with my mother today and she expressed annoyance about how we’ve been disagreeing over pretty much everything. Now, I do believe I am someone who is very vocal about things I don’t like, specially within relationships that matter to me.. but I think it gets a little complicated with parents or “unequal” relationships. I think something that might be hard for parents is to look at their children, truly, as adults? I mean we often disagree and argue and face conflicts in friendships too, but they’re rarely so intertwined with emotions and history, I suppose.

Anyway, I genuinely think most conflict or dislike is rooted in a lack of complete understanding. And I don’t just mean this in relationships and people, though it’ll obviously be easier to make a case for that. Even “ideas” should be easy enough. Though I think we can “disagree” after a full understanding. What I’m curious about is “dislike”.

The one I’m more interested in is with things like art and “creative” things. I wonder whether the hypothesis “if I don’t like something, it must mean I don’t fully understand it” can be true. I once told someone that I don’t really like EDM, and I always support that with the reason of “I haven’t really heard it enough”.

There’s beliefs in psychological theories of love and attraction that proximity and familiarity can increase both. The reasons might seems obvious but I’m not sure if they are. I also wonder if we can apply the same to art too? It would make sense right? We’re all quite used to the phrase “it’s grown on me”.

What happens when this occurs, let’s say in case of a… song? Do we simply get more “familiar” with it, or do we actually somehow understand it better?

So looks like the mere-exposure effect does apply to all sorts of things, including things like words and paintings. So how does this work? Do we know anything about the reasons or causes behind this effect?

Did a quick search, seems like the two main reasons behind this effect are

reduced uncertainty, and
increased understanding and perception

There was a time when I used to think that art is more valuable for the aesthetic value it provides rather than being something one could understand and/or resonate with. I used to often click pictures only for their form and not care much about why people were liking them. People would often say “I don’t get it” to some of my posts and I would just say things like “that’s fine, you can judge it purely based on form”.

But it makes sense now that form could also simply be the first layer or signal to a potential understanding? It’s one of the biggest reasons we conform to societal beauty standards as well, right? To signal an understanding of society.

It makes sense then how repeated exposure could work for reducing the dislike for something as well. First, the danger and uncertainty and fear is eliminated. Once that’s done, we could become curious and more open-minded about really perceiving and understanding the thing or the person.

Does that mean that given enough time, intent and courage we can “grow” to like anything? Probably does. Feels like good news to me, lol. (Now I remember how this is one of the biggest arguments used by the proponents of arranged marriage setups as well.)

This is great. If we start here, we then don’t have to pick things simply because “we already like them” or “we’re already good at them”, we can have the freedom to pick things (or people) based on other factors. Though this sounds great in theory, I already feel an anxiety about time coming up. It tells me how I’m conditioned to want quick returns.

—

Since I’m veering towards thinking about this from a romantic relationships perspective again, it might be a good time for me to think about my values and the things I care about —

Being self-aware and living without least regrets
- If I like doing something I want to be able to do it but I also want to be somewhat aware of why I like doing it
- If I want to do something but I’m not doing it I want to be aware of my constraints and know whether I plan to change them or not (if they’re changeable)
  - If they’re unchangeable that’s fine, but I want to be aware of them as well
  - Note to self (call grandparents tonight)
Health (physical and mental)
Connection (with humans as well as living beings as well as… nature?)
- Being “there” for people

I can’t (at this moment) explain how this came up from whatever I wrote above, but until two years ago, I used to be quite sure of the fact that I want to have kids. I’ve been questioning this for the last year or so. I think the more people I meet who “don’t plan to have kids”, the easier it becomes to question it as well. And sure, it might depend on whether I’ll meet someone I want to spend the rest of my life with, and what their preferences are, etc. But so far it’s nice to be able to even question it.