connection – untitled atm

109b – hello, 2025

A lot of things feel futile lately. Well, primarily, doing this. I don’t know what’s happening exactly, but a part of me feels like thinking about things is a bit.. meh.

What does feel not-futile, then? Spending time with people I love, for one. That feels worthwhile.

As I write, though, I’m suddenly remembering why this used to feel important. It used to be (and probably still is) important because it allows me to process everything faster. And the faster I process things, the more time I have for the things that actually matter— like the people I love.

I finally got around to making some calls and replying to texts that had been on my backlog for a while. It felt quite nice. I like it when friends show up for the hard conversations, even if they don’t always show up perfectly.

A lot of things feel futile though, like planning for stuff. I have to move at the end of this quarter but we’re “testing” the place first by traveling there for a bit, so it feels futile to plan anything beyond that. It’s scary, I’m not going to lie. I don’t like planning anyway but my anxiety always wants me to plan ahead. What I’m learning is that you can plan and plan but there’s always going to be things that fall through the cracks. It’s always a tough battle to balance planning the big things and taking it easy on the smaller ones or the other way round.

Anyway, my head hurts a bit these days even though I don’t think I’m doing too much screen time. I might need an eye check-up.

My sister’s had a baby a month ago and I feel major FOMO for not being able to see him. I wrote a whole blog post about it which I haven’t gotten around to posting.. for various reasons. But that’s not what this is about. I really want to see him! But I detest those long inter-continental flights. So I’m stuck in this major indecision paralysis and I feel like that’s been weighing quite heavily on me. When I was a kid, my friends and I used to regularly wish for teleportation machines because we didn’t have as much agency to travel whenever we’d feel like it. Now.. it feels like we have the agency, but it’s still not very easy to exercise it. So here I am, wishing for the goddamn teleportation machine.

I’ve been quite stagnant on work stuff, I feel like I just don’t have the emotional bandwidth for anything work-related lately. I’m tired, I really am. How the fuck does one prioritise the things that really need to get done? Job search is quite intimidating. I suppose I need to break it down into smaller tasks and goals.

It’s very interesting that my previous post was a lot about the same stuff that I’m complaining about right now— I suppose it makes sense that I’m feeling so blocked.

But January is over so I must set some intentions for February. Time keeps flying by, otherwise.

Happy 2025, folks!

097a – health, pleasure and connection

The neighbours’ cat sits on the staircase landing one level below mine. I’m trying to lure it to come and meet me by waving some food in front of her. She’s been here before, she came and chilled inside my house too, but I’m not sure why she’s wary today. I decide to work from the desk near my door for the next couple hours though, I can keep an eye out for her from this position.

There are a couple things that I have to, absolutely have to get done today. Movement on chores and tasks has been slow but I really want to have a “productive” April.

Yesterday, I smoked up with a friend after many, many weeks and had a pretty good evening, until of course it became a bit hedonistic. I often find myself in that state of mind whenever I get high— and I’m not sure if I like that. I do feel like I tend to make unhealthy decisions in the pursuit and attainment of pleasure (especially when it comes to health) and I do think I’d like to change that, slowly if not right away. Something I realised yesterday though is that there’s a chance this is what’s one of the nicest thing about love and connection. That you can access and share depths (of your self and another) without having to resort to unhealthy things (like alcohol and drugs).

If I have systems and limits in place when it comes to unhealthy habits, I wouldn’t want to discard those systems even when I’m high. Or if I decide to get high, I would still need to know what my limits are with everything. The “rules” that I apply to myself have to be a little more universal. Maybe I do need to come up with specific, very specific rules for myself. Maybe that’s the only way at this point.

Health is, after all, a top-5 value of mine so I do need to act like it too.

I also feel a lot more of the need to be and feel seen when I’m high. Like I don’t necessarily want someone in my physical space but I do feel the need to share all my thoughts, everything that’s running through my head when I’m high. But this also made me realise that perhaps one of the antidotes to loneliness is the ability to separate these two somewhat related but not necessarily overlapping needs— ie the need for connection (the real, human, social need) and the need to be “more” seen. I think you can experience the latter even when all your social needs are met. So I think the latter comes from a bit of a pleasure-seeking place within us (for those of us who do experience this), because a lot of people are sufficiently satisfied and content when their social needs are met. But some of us (including me) do experience the second thing a lot more, I think we crave deep connection a lot more than others, and what deep connection means to us is this ability to share all of the “weird and crazy and unique” parts of ourselves that maybe we haven’t always been able to, in general settings and in mainstream settings.

I don’t know, maybe this is a bit rambly. I think my point is, it helps to break down the “social need” into exact terms— is it the basic need like for food when you’re hungry, or is it you craving dessert even when you’re full?

And post need-breakdown, I also think it’s important to remember and accept that not all parts of me need to be seen by and shared with someone else. I can witness some of them and that’s enough too. (And I don’t mean to come at this from a “cope” way at all, I genuinely think it can suffice).

I think I’m happy with this one. Hope y’all are doing well! Cheers xx

096b – the creative process of intimacy

I haven’t been writing (publicly) as much because all I can write about lately is love and romance. Anyone who knows me knows I’m deeply wary of the idea of being enmeshed with anyone else, especially romantic partners. And yet, these days I find myself wanting to spend all of my time with a specific person. She’s great and we both seem to be on the same page about most important things (including our own individual needs wrt alone time etc), and yet I do find my alone time not being as precious lately. It’s almost like I’m able to “recharge” with her and hence am able to do my “alone time” with her as well. Which.. I know it isn’t necessarily a bad thing— I’ve been in monogamous relationships before and they can be really pleasant— and just because they come with very strong, deep attachments doesn’t mean I have to be so fearful of them. But still, I know for sure that to retain my sense of myself, my individuality (which really, philosophically, I’m fully sure of wanting to do), I do need to remember what I like about my alone alone time.

Writing and music have been the two most important things over the last year, and to be fair to myself, I’ve been doing enough of the two, even if I’m not doing them publicly.

Still, I would like to continue to make my writing / journaling / blogging public, to the extent possible.

This actually feels really good too. Just the idea of writing things down and sharing them with the world does give me a sense of comfort and security. And this is important for me to note and regularly stay in touch with so I can do everything that I talked about earlier in the beginning of this post (ie retain and maintain my sense of self).

Something I’m more in touch with lately is a bit of the “crazy” and “weird” parts of me. Of course, calling them crazy and weird is a bit of a judgement, but perhaps I just mean the parts that maybe we’re not fully secure about, whether it’s because we carry internal judgement or whether society makes us that way, doesn’t really matter. Channeling all this becomes very important though. Of course most of us know creativity and art thrives on all of the parts of us that we’re not able to express through other ways. But to channel them successfully we need to make sure our routines around creative work are not falling apart. If I’m not writing everyday, for example, then even being in touch with part a or b will be useless. To create good stuff, or stuff we can be happy with, then, needs the following things—

a. being in touch with all sorts of feelings and parts of us,

b. routines wrt outlets and our creative practices,

c. the courage to express and the courage to share it or put it “out there”.

I suppose the process of intimacy (with another) and with the self looks the same in many ways then.

Anyway. Was this too rambly? I don’t think so. What am I saying? I’m saying that even though I haven’t been creating as much art as I may want to, I think I’m okay with it because I’m deepening my connection with someone, and that is, in many ways, the same thing as creating art (to me). The output, yes, is quite different, but for a while I think I’m okay to invest my time and bandwidth in the “creative process of love and romance”, and not just my existing preferred creative outlets.

Happy april, folks! xx

090b – intimacy and travel

There is something about leaning on people that feels incredibly rewarding. Intimacy is magical and every time you do something tough in the journey (asking for what you need or want, or something you’d like, or canceling plans with consideration)— you know it can go either way. It can strengthen a connection and add more “events” (data) to it or it can weaken it. Both outcomes are okay but it’s always fun to see where it goes.

I have been spending most of my time in other people’s spaces and lives, and slowly but steadily I allow my life to merge in their spaces, that’s quite fun too.

Today I spent my afternoon in a good friend’s room, he’s moved out of it but some of “him” was still around. I send him a picture of his desk and tell him I’m having fun and he tells me where the trees are if I’d like to improve the view. It was all quite nice. His desk was dusty and yet the afternoon light made it all quite romantic for me. Dusty surfaces in otherwise mostly clean spaces are an interesting little detail to me.

I visited a very old friend in her house in a far-off neighbourhood in the city and I was reluctant to go there, but the trip was quite worth it. I like seeing residential spaces and how different people have different lives. We talked about everything under the sun and I wondered when we’d meet again. In the past we’ve gone many years without meeting and I’m pretty comfortable with that too.

I haven’t been doing as much writing as I’d like to be doing but maybe I’m changing that right now.

We talk about how “if you wanted to, you could write about anything, really” but something stops us, still.

All (okay, most of) my friends are analytical as well as creative and I love that about them.

I was more careful of my energy this time though and I’m quite glad about that. I felt like I was able to balance self-preservation and getting “enough” out of travels pretty well.

Headed to Bombay tomorrow and spending three days there and although I was feeling like I’m done with traveling, I’m finding that I am looking forward to meeting some people. Pretty excited about that.

Also did some good amount of “exposure therapy” over the last few days which I’m happy and content about.

Indulgences though, ah. Back to tapering down from it now, hopeful I can keep at it.

I think getting any new ideas and or art (or cultural expansion) from any sort of traveling makes the travel (or other activities) very worth it. We clicked a lot of pictures, had some good food, recounted old stories, wrote new ones, and that’s more than I could ask for, I suppose.

That’s 90K words! Glad to be here. Don’t think I’d like to get away from this habit, really. I like documenting things, I like noting down how I feel about events and things happening in my life. I do find myself going back to reading these from time to time, which I think serves a nice little purpose for myself too.

060b – 60k words! + calling (pt1)

So you might think you’ve found your calling, what next?

This is the main question I’m asking myself this week.

Firstly, because my younger self left me with some decent advice, I’m going to outline some of the reasons and motivations around why I think art or creative work might be calling me. At least, right now. Some fears and worries and hesitations might show up too and I’m going to list those out as well, because they’ve been holding me back from embracing this over the last few months (and maybe even the last few years).

So, why do I gravitate towards creating things if I’m left in a vacuum?

Emotion management / release. This is primary. I think I have too many feelings almost always at the surface and if I’m not engaging with some form of expression regularly (ie daily, at least), then I’m dissatisfied, unhappy, and often overwhelmed. (OR otherwise I end up engaging unhealthier forms of “numbing” ie alcohol, nicotine, social media, etc). So, this is the healthiest and the most accessible form of emotion management that I have for myself.
Presence + Joy. These activities (writing, music, doodling, photography, dancing, etc etc) are the most “satisfactory” and “joyful” methods of being present, for me. Aside from maybe talking to people I really enjoy talking to, where our energies can resonate.
Collaboration. These are also the things I find joy in collaborating with people over. Especially music (I haven’t done a lot of collaboration wrt other forms yet)
Connection and impact. It’s incredibly fulfilling when people tell you they connect with whatever you put out there. It’s a different way of feeling seen AND making someone feel seen at the same time. People have sometimes told me that some of the art I’ve shared has been healing for them as well, and I care a lot about that kind of impact.

Yep, I think that pretty much captures it.

Now, I feel some of the hesitations and fears cropping up, so let me jot those down:

I’ve romanticised artists, and I just think I want to “be” an artist, and I might not be truly motivated by the doing in and of itself.
I know had the creative streak in me as a kid, but it started getting fleshed out more only post 12/13. If I truly liked art then why wasn’t I doing enough of it during peak childhood? (ie from ages 7/8-13)? Isn’t this the time most people (given peaceful childhoods) are experiencing what they truly like to engage with? I used to engage a lot more with science, so why’s it the case that I don’t like the sciences anymore?

I don’t think I can address these fears, really. All I can tell myself is that maybe people change, or maybe people have multiple sides in them. Maybe it’s futile to think your “true calling” is a single thing. Maybe right now this is what I’m curious about, and that’s fine. Maybe science (ie engineering) just got a little too tough for me, and maybe my creative side was just feeling starved. Maybe if I feed it enough I’ll have both these parts of me balanced and secure, and then I can see what’s louder. Or maybe I don’t have to pick. When it’s time to find jobs (ie a few months from now, for sustenance), maybe I can think about this then.

And I am moving through life now with more awareness than I did as a kid (I think). (Side question: What is the difference between presence and awareness?)

Feeling a little dissatisfied with this post though, I suppose maybe because I didn’t really address the “What Next” question. But I’ll continue this tomorrow or later this week. Feeling a little tired at the moment.

But, 60K words! Kind of cool 🙂

040a – connecting with myself

Haven’t written one of these in a while. Been going through a lot of stuff lately, not eventfully but feelings wise, but as a result I’ve finally gotten back into a little bit of working out that I’d completely given up for almost the last 6 months. So I did some good amount just now and I’m feeling spent. Post-workout clarity has also allowed myself to cancel a thing I was kind of dreading so I have the rest of the day free now.

The last 2-3 days have been pretty decent though, and the week overall too. Though I think my social life can be a little better and a little more fulfilling, overall not much to complain about these days. It’s getting a little less cold outside as well so that’s been a major pick-me-up. Creatively, I feel better too. Been writing a little bit and clicking pictures again, and that always makes me feel super nice.

Really wanna make the most of this place and the people in the next two months so I can feel somewhat satisfied with my time here. (ie Amsterdam)

Anyway, something that was coming up a lot in the couple weeks before the one that just went by was a lot of feelings of loneliness and isolation. Some of it was just coming by due to not enough daytime plans and not enough socialisation in general, but I think of some of it was just my own. Something that came up in therapy is how feeling disconnected from even myself can cause this. And that feels true, as I’ve finally incorporated a little more physical activity and movement in my own routine, I’m feeling more connected with myself again. (This was what I knew I needed, this could of course differ for you)

One other thing I’ve been trying to do more of is learn more about art, what it is, how important it is to me and the world, etc etc. And I’ve talked about this before but I think a question that often comes up for me is whether there’s a difference between art and entertainment. (This comes up because personally I like to think about whether something I’m putting out in the world is just entertaining or whether it serves a bigger purpose. And while I don’t deny that entertainment does have its own value, I do think art is a little different.) But I finally found my answer with this quote by Erik Hoel: Entertainment, etymologically speaking, means “to maintain, to keep someone in a certain frame of mind.” Art, however, changes us. I’m sure there’s a lot of research on these two concepts and how they tie together, I’m sure a lot of people have different opinions about this, but for me, I think I agree with this idea that not all entertainment can be “art”. Stumbled upon this quote from Brody Deschanel’s channel, which itself has some really well-researched and well written video essays on a variety of topics.

So, to recap:

Had a few lonely and isolating weeks, realised that connection with myself can be a good solution too, when I can’t always hang out with other people.
Entertainment and art are both valuable, but I think art serves a bigger purpose than entertainment.

006 – reflecting on friendships

I recently met someone new and we got to talking about friendships. (Side-rant: Sometimes I wonder why I like to give context about where a thought came from. I don’t know, maybe it’s just the flow, but at times I feel I also want to credit that person whose company helped give birth to this thought-cloud. If they happen to read it, it might be nice for them to know?)

So anyway, we got to talking about friendships. I’ve been thinking about a friendship that I’m soon going to need to let go of, or at least get some space from, so I brought that up as well. Naturally, a bunch of conflicting feelings around it, the biggest being – how did I end up in a long-term, seemingly close friendship that I don’t really enjoy? I claim to be courageous, honest, direct and brave with many other difficult things, and yet I fuck up this basic thing that seems to come so easily to most people? I didn’t have the answers with me at the time, but I’ve been pondering a little bit and want to see if maybe I do.

Originally, we became friends because of circumstance, and mostly continued to stay friends thanks to circumstance as well. We all have those friends, right? So how does one separate self from a relation like that? I suppose most people form new relationships?

I think I have the answers, these are the some of the factors I wasn’t accounting for when I decided to “continue” a strong relation with that friend.

People’s advice: They didn’t know me, they didn’t know her, they didn’t know the details of our relationship, so they always gave me “bad” (and often unsolicited) advice. And since I was weak (or if I want to be kind to myself, impressionable), I listened.
Potential loneliness: Ah, the dreaded loneliness. The feeling that apparently goes away if you have someone around. Who are these people kidding? How can loneliness go away just because you have someone around? People live in such strong denial – loveless marriages, loveless relations, and I’m so angry that they push all of this on other people. And I regret letting myself fall into these traps of fear.
“Politeness”: AKA my inability to set boundaries. My inability to say no. My own imperfect ideals of perfectionism and kindness. My inability to see that the truth is kinder than any other kindness I might try to bestow upon people.
Lack of awareness: Of course, this seems to be prevalent in most of my posts so far. I only started getting in touch with my feelings around two years ago, and because I’ve always had other (almost objectively) bigger things to tackle, I suppose I wasn’t ready to look at my friendships clearly.

Now, something you might notice (if you for any reason went through some of my other posts) is how often I mention things like human connection and being intentional about the people we spend our time with. I wasn’t always like this. Since I only started becoming aware a while ago, I think it was only around the same time that I began addressing or looking at the things that were missing from my life. I’m not someone who’s ever had a hard time making friends. I used to definitely be introverted as well as shy and reserved, so it definitely took me a while sometimes, but it had always been that way, and it was rarely something that bothered me.

But when I moved to this foreign country that I currently reside in, some of my anxiety (that manifested as really strong body dysmorphia) pretty much hit my “social life” the most. My self-esteem and self-confidence plummeted really hard. What’s the easiest and the most instinctive reaction to anxiety? Avoidance. So I suppressed most of my social needs and wants, and told myself that it’s okay, and that I’ll cope. I did manage to make some really good friends, I did do the bare minimum, but it wasn’t enough. So, for almost 1-2 years, I took the company of whomever it was easiest to spend time with (i.e. whomever I felt least anxious with), as opposed to checking whether I even enjoy their company enough. Whether I would seek their company as much, if I was in my best place.

So, I would often find myself in this place, where I felt like I had a lot of friends and a lot of people I could reach out to, but I often felt terribly lonely. (I know that this is a common sentiment echoed by many people, and @visakanv has talked a lot about this in a lot of his writing as well, but well, let me find out where I’m going with this.)

One of the first life-changing questions my first therapist had asked me, I think basically around 2-3 sessions in, after I’d described a “humans” related situation that was terribly anxiety provoking was something like – “and what do you think, do you feel like your social needs are currently being met?” In all honesty, I cannot describe in words the feeling that floated through me – it started near my head but definitely made its way to my feet (and out, I think) – as I thought about it and slowly uttered the words, “I guess not”.

This was also the first time I’d realized that anxiety by itself was not the problem, the problem was that it was stopping me from doing the things that I wanted to do. This is probably very easy for a third person or a professional to see, but for almost a year and a half, I couldn’t see it, my close friends and family couldn’t see it, my significant other at the time couldn’t see it, and honestly, it still baffles me a little bit. This was the first time I considered a reframe: I didn’t need to stop the anxiety, I needed to continue to do the things that I want to do in spite of it, or even if it comes up.

(I feel the need to apologize that most of my posts end up describing anxiety in some or the other way, regardless of what I start talking about, but of course I don’t need to apologize, so I’ll just throw this out and keep moving on.)

Anyway, a slightly hasty wrap-up. Re-evaluated my needs. Turned out I hadn’t been taking care of my social needs, so I started seeking company more. But anxiety was still a huge factor, so whenever it was hard to meet new people, I’d end up seeking whatever company I could easily get. It was a band-aid solution, and though it had its uses and I’m genuinely very grateful for the company and support I did get, it wasn’t foolproof. In retrospect, I do wish I’d ripped it off sooner. Ah, well.

So, even though it’s been a while that I’ve accepted that human connection is not something I’m going to take for granted, and that it’s surely going to be a pillar for me for years to come, it’s time to address that there’s more to it. Intentionally seeking and building strong, deep and real connections is also going to be a thing. I want to consider giving friendships the same kind of careful consideration that I would give a romantic relationship. I think I’ll be happier. Even if that’s just in their pursuit, of course.

004 – feelings and human connection

Feeling really good about my previous word vomit. I love how it started off as a contemplation of my current work but ended on quite an artsy, floral note. I feel pretty proud of that last paragraph. I do like writing about my thoughts and feelings. I’m feeling a little anxious. I think it’s because I know that I need to go back to my tasks from my day job. The urge to quit is so strong. I feel like I’m Tom from 500 Days of Summer and Software Engineering is my “Greeting Cards”. I’m a perfectly adequate software engineer. I’m looking for what my architecture is, and I’m also looking for my Autumn. But I’m not in a movie, so I’m aware that I might not end up finding these.

My Summer wasn’t as nice as his. My Summer said goodbye over a text. My Summer didn’t offer to be friends. My Summer didn’t stay with me for 500 days, more like 50 if I’m being honest. My Summer wasn’t as clear about things from the start. Though I’m sure I would be in the same place even if she had been. I feel a lot of pain in my chest and my stomach and my heart these days. I think I should quit (work). I think I’ll hand in my notice at the end of this week. There’s so many tasks that I’ll have to think about before I quit. I wouldn’t know how to access half the things. Maybe I need to make a list of them.

I wonder if I should switch teams before trying to quit. I’ll get a temporary relief of a few weeks, at least. I do care about my manager though. I’m worried about breaking the news to him.

Continuing this after around five days. Things have changed a little bit. I got a little bit of family time and outdoors time and time with animals. I decided I might try to talk to a couple of different teams to at least see what’s out there. I might start some medication to help with some of the anxiety. The doctor seems to think it’ll help me cope with the external stressors. The logic makes sense – everyone faces external stresses like work problems, relationship problems, bad days – but the lens of my anxiety makes everything worse. If medication can help me curb the anxiety a bit, I can cope with these problems as a normal human being would. Trying to change the environment and removing external stressors is probably fixing the wrong issue. Of course needing some breathing room is normal, but if I get breathing room then I might be less motivated to start the medication. Anyway, we’ll see how it goes.

I want to get better at connecting with people. I want to become better at being honest and confident and silly at the same time. I know how to get there, but I don’t have enough time and opportunities to practice this. Mainly because of the pandemic.
I feel a bit greedy about this whole thing – what am I looking for? What am I seeking? Is there some other unmet need that I’m confusing with this?

Continuing this after a few hours. I got closer to some of my family this weekend. I like it – one of the nicest things in the world is thinking you know someone and then getting to know them more. Life is so much better when I am intentional about the people I spend my time with. I think sometimes I end up spending a lot of time with people I don’t really like that much – either because of social obligations or because of circumstances. But man that is a terrible way to live.

Anyway, these moments of getting to know someone more. They’re nice moments, moments of unexpected vulnerability, often. Vulnerability that doesn’t necessarily come from the stories these people might be telling me, but from what their voices sounds like when they’re talking about these stories. From whether they meet my eyes while telling me those stories. From the way they smile or from the way their faces move when they’re reacting to my reactions or my questions. From the way they look at another person, if it’s a story that has shared ownership. From the way you can ask a person something but find out more about the person sitting next to them than the original recipient of the question.
It’s a nice little activity, giving someone your full attention and enjoying it – for reasons that are beyond my understanding. Of course one of them is the fact that I get some of it back in return. I’m sure sitting in a park and giving a stranger my full attention from afar isn’t going to be as great.

I’d recently met someone who I could describe as outgoing and friendly and yet not looking to connect. Years ago I would have never known the difference. But I think we finally connected a little today. It was quite nice.

I’m roughly at 800 words here. Reminds me of the time in school where we’d laugh about how we can fill up the word count by rambling on and/or stating the same point in different ways. It’s true, we can. I often used to have a problem with concise writing as well. The number of hours I’ve spent trying to cut down sentences to not cross the word-limit, oh boy. Yet, I find myself out of related thoughts at the moment. Slowly trudging on, trying to get a 100 more words out on this note.
This is nice little fun thing to do – taking ordinary experiences and activities and making stories out of them. I suppose it’s an escape, maybe my ordinary life isn’t fun enough until I make a fantastical story about it. That’s not fully true though – I’m being a little harsh on myself – I’m sure I must have felt moved enough in those moments for thoughts about them to persist hours and days later.