content – untitled atm

091a – content, grateful and ambitious

Back to Delhi. Back to thinking about work and projects. Kind of happy with all of it. Had a terrible flight back but all worth it. I think traveling is such a great way to get new input, data and feelings and gives me a lot of stimulus about things I naturally care about. Feeling pretty good about the frequencies that I know I like with traveling now.

I’d like to sleep by 2-2:30am which means that I’m time boxing this word vomit once again. What are the major things on my mind lately that I’d like to think about? Polyamory, physical intimacy, art, music, production, reading, giving up addictions, grooming, haircut, health related tasks, how much emotional bandwidth can I give to friends and family, how much work can I get done in Feb considering my sister’s visiting and I don’t get enough time with her throughout the year, yeah that’s about it I think.

I’m doing a freelance photography gig (event based thing) for some family this weekend and I’d like to do it well (more so) since I’m getting paid for it, would like to take some tips from people I know who’ve done this before. Editing etc is something I may need to do some research on. Actually kind of excited for this!

Lately I start writing a ton of word vomits but I never get past 200-300 words. I’m not very sure why. Is it really possible that I don’t have enough to process? Or do I have more people around me which allows me to process some things with them instead? I’m not sure, it’s likely the latter though.

Another thing I’ve realised is that I’m definitely more of a space taker than I used to think. Of course, I strive to be considerate and I’m also mindful of how much space I take, but I do take enough of it. Maybe therapy has helped with this too. I like it. I guess writing is also a good way to take a lot of space in the ways you need to. The page is the room you probably actually really need. But it’s a great room. It’s better than most rooms.

Art, safe spaces, mental health, suffering (reducing it if possible for myself and other people), being good— these are the things I really care about.

I’m also glad that I’ve made “niceness” and earnestness almost a pretty big part of my identity (or I’m slowly doing it) and it feels nice that when you stand up for it really strongly, most people don’t try to oppose it. In fact you also learn whether people do actually want to oppose it or not, and if so why etc. When you make claims that most people in theory agree with, but you do it gently, you are making space for questions they may not be brave enough to face themselves actually.

I also used to think I’m not hardworking or ambitious but it’s just that my energies were not being directed into the right things. I feel like lately they have been. So I suppose that’s what makes me happy and content.

084b – trying to funnel life a bit

Been very busy— socially— over the last couple days. Haven’t had enough time to myself. Haven’t been sleeping too well either but I finally caught up on that earlier today. The sun hasn’t been out for almost a whole week now which sucked quite a bit although music and people have been keeping me sane and happy.

Finally bought an electric guitar after many months of mulling over models etc. Excited to practice and learn a few songs this month.

I’d been thinking about temporarily deactivating Instagram for a while now and I finally took the plunge. Current plan is to keep it deactivated for 2-3 weeks and then see if I need it or no. Reasoning behind deactivation is primarily that I want to minimise unnecessary stimulus. I want to be more careful and mindful about the kind of content I consume and Instagram is coming in the way a bit, I guess. Further, the two main reasons I was still keeping it around were that

it was one of my primary ends for creative expression (especially with photos as well as “thought dumps”) but I think I’m more determined to focus on journaling/writing/music as the primary forms of expression, at least this month, so maybe Instagram is just a bit of a distraction from those goals.
i think I also had a lot of space for new people and connections in life and I thought Instagram can be a good way to keep that channel open. And while it’s true that you do sometimes find interesting opportunities and people through social media, I just feel like I have enough on my plate for the next few weeks so maybe for now I’m alright.

So yeah, figured it’s worth testing.

Kind of excited about getting to 100K words soon(ish) but also wondering what the next steps would be. This is good practice, I feel like I tend to keep jumping ahead with things. Or maybe, I just leave this question here and let the answers come to me. If the answers haven’t arrived, then I can potentially keep going as well. [open question]

Focused on drums class, vocals exam, learning Corduroy Dreams on guitar this week, and that’s probably sufficient work to be thinking about, so maybe I can allow myself to not have to think about January planning etc.

Still have a couple of people I want to meet once or twice before they go back to their bases.

Lots of travel lined up this year and pretty excited about all of it.

I’d like to think about (and do some research on) whether long-form content consumption (like books, for example) is actually healthier compared to social media content consumption or not. Like obviously, intuition says it is, and I’ve heard a lot of such sentiments in passing, but I don’t think I’ve ever read about it properly. So yeah, that’d be good to learn more about. [open question]

Cheers xx

055b – quietening voices

I spend half of my time trying to quieten the voice in my head. My self-talk isn’t too negative (ie I have worked hard on this and at least that’s good), but there is still a lot of talking happening, I don’t think it’s very helpful. However, it’s a little tough to keep yourself engaged with something all the time. I wish doing nothing wasn’t so effortful.

I was working on a painting today but it didn’t turn out very well, so that bummed me out for quite a bit. But then I was going through an old sketchbook (not super old, maybe from a few months ago) and I discovered a painting that I really liked. In theory I know that making a lot of “bad” art is the only way I’ll also be able to make some good art, and all that’s fine, but it’s still a bummer when you don’t like the end result.

I’m not sure if I’ll ever be able to focus enough on a single form of creative expression for long enough that I can consider monetising it. This could just be the anxiety talking, or maybe I genuinely need some help with this.

Feeling more and more settled in my new place with each passing day though, and that feels good. I’m hosting a housewarming thing over the weekend and definitely looking forward to it.

I finally finished reading “Normal People” (having seen the show before made the read a little slow) but needless to say it was a great book. Sally Rooney’s definitely getting added to my favourite-authors list.

Having time to myself (ie time for emotions and art) has been great, but I do think I need to increase my chores/errands output a little bit too. Not very sure about how to go about doing this. Maybe I need to get more organised in some ways.

When I consume great content (ie content that impacts me in a unique way), it’s always accompanied by a desire to be making great content, but I’m not able to follow-through on execution, not much. I wish the line between self-compassion and complacency was not as fine.

Despite me having having moved out, the presence of my grandmother is just too strong. I feel bad for her mental state, but I also know I don’t have any solutions for her. She calls me once every 2-3 days and I try to talk to her but it’s just incredibly frustrating. I think knowing that she affects both my mom and dad so negatively makes me additionally unaccommodating of her.

Anyway, despite all this, I think I feel sufficiently grounded on a day-to-day basis. I’m about to turn 28 soon! I did some yearly reflection the other day but I want to make some more time for it. Might share that next post.

Good week ahead!

(Wrote this last night but forgot to hit publish, so here I go)

029b – a case for content-creation

Had a terribly lonely week last week. Didn’t feel like stepping out and couldn’t stop ruminating over thoughts of lost love for almost four days in a row. Eventually, the week picked up though. I met some people. Crazy how that helps.

If I’m being fully honest, I do feel a bit tired of plainly introspective writing. I’ve decided I’m going to publish poetry on here as well. And I’ll count it as a full post since it takes much more effort from me to complete one of those.

The other day I mentioned “content creation” as something that I perhaps actively would want to do, and I realized that it was the first time I said that out loud. I think I always had this image of content creation not being a ..respectable (?) activity? Because I always that there’s too much content to consume. I guess I need to find the case for content creation.

Personally, what had initially drawn me to it was of course, validation and compliments over stuff I made. Or just the feeling of being seen. But eventually, I think I’ve realized there’s a little more to it. There’s resonance and connection. The more I accept that I do seek connection with other humans, the more I can see how things I create help me feel it.

I think it’s got a little bit to do with owning these dimensions of yourself. Whether you’re making Instagram reels over silly things, or making covers of music that you like, or clicking pictures of things that appeal to you – there’s a layer of judgement which you’ve shed in order for you to share it with the world. It’s natural that connection would follow.

Plus, isn’t that the ultimate (or perhaps, only) cure to loneliness? Moments of connection, even if they are fleeting or temporary?

But, I also heard something about over-expression being the bane of our generation. How it can lead to a lack in actual intimacy between people. Is this worth paying attention to? I don’t know. If I think of the people closest to me, I don’t think emotional intimacy’s missing in any of those, so maybe I don’t have to worry about this just yet? There’s never a shortage of things to talk about or do.

Okay so I’m almost at 400 words now. To summarize,

A little tired of plain, introspective writing. Need some variety. Poetry is a good option.
I have a case for content creation – clarity and acceptance (for self), feeling seen and heard, resonance and connection (with people). Probably a good counter for feelings of loneliness too.
Over-expression doesn’t seem like a problem yet. Can potentially learn a little more about this though.

—

I wrote this almost a couple weeks back so I’m adding a little more to it, since I don’t think I have enough stuff for a separate post, and this one was missing a bit anyway. Had the 4th July long weekend this weekend and it ended up being super-duper social. For the first time in a couple months I felt like I didn’t get enough of the “sleeping-in” time or “me” time or “chores” time. (Don’t think all of these words need the quotes but eh.)

Oops, I just realized it’s already midnight and my evening has completely gone by in a blur. Time to get ready for the last holiday of the long weekend tomorrow!

Also, my god the last 10k words have been a drag. Definitely need some more (and potentially different kind of) motivation to keep this up.