Tag: covid

028a – are you up to speed?

Haven’t posted in a while, I start things but don’t end up completing them. This is definitely going to be a good old word-vomit. Hoping to complete it tonight. Things have been busy, somehow. I moved to my own place a few weeks back and though it’s all been nothing short of spectacular, it’s definitely also been a little lonelier, if I’m being honest. I did expect a little bit of that to happen, and I’d promised myself I’d have some structures in place to not let it get out of hand. Structures like a minimum of two social activities per week (one during the week and one on the weekend), and mostly – I’ve been abiding by that. But looks like I might need three of those? Or I might need the two to be really fulfilling… 

Got my second shot of the Pfizer vaccine a couple days ago and had a high fever as a side effect. Again – this was something expected but I’d forgotten what it feels like, don’t think I’ve had a fever in the last two years (hurrah!), so it was definitely very draining, exhausting.  

Also been feeling a little bit anxious here and there. Part of me feels like it’s because I haven’t written in a while. Biweekly summaries of “what’s been up” have been quite helpful in the recent past, and even though I’ve been catching up with people and giving them a bit of all of this – it’s not the same as doing it for (?) myself. I think it’s because when there’s other people involved – new things sometimes get added up. Probably things like – feelings about their reactions, their own updates, this, that. 

I think most of the anxiety and the fog is because of the state of the pandemic back home – the second wave hit India really hard and pretty much everyone I know is or has been suffering – either directly or through families. My grandfather passed away too, and though he lived a long, full life and it had to happen one way or the other, it’s been weird to grieve while I’m away from the rest of my family. It’s been weird to half-heartedly grieve, since I know most of it will hit me only when I visit his home. That’s where most of him resides, for me, and I can’t fully feel or process his absence until I actually go there. And I don’t really know when I’ll get to go, considering how unsafe it’d be to travel to India right now. 

Thankfully work’s not been too stressful the last couple weeks. I managed to get a decent amount of time for many of my creative pursuits, I’m recording a lot of music, doing a decent bit of photography, meeting new people – enjoying it a lot. Want to ensure I keep working hard enough to sustain this job. I see the benefits of it from time to time. 

Well, looks like we’re done. I want to post something I wrote the morning I heard about baba’s death, but maybe I’ll wrap it up around some context and post it soon. 

026a – have you tried turning it off and on again?

How do I explain anxiety to someone who’s never experienced it? How do I explain what it feels like to constantly be on edge, like I persistently have a reverse countdown or the reverse alphabet running in my head in the background? How do I explain why I’m not able to fall asleep even after 36 hours of being awake? And even if I’m able to explain it, does it achieve the purpose? What am I trying to achieve by making other people understand? What am I looking for? Sympathy, empathy, compassion? I get that regularly from most of my friends and family. I get a decent amount of it. Why do I have this need to for my anxiety to be “properly” understood? 

I might need to look for a support group. I’ve had this on my list for ages but this is the first time I’ve written it out as a task to primarily focus on a few weeks down the line.

I was fully occupied this week with house-hunt and messed up sleep, so processing my feelings / writing took a huge hit, and I find myself suffering because of it. Definitely consumed a lot of media and I think that wasn’t great.

Already feeling a little better, thank you, me.

I need to be careful about how I spend my time because the moment my routine and sleep and food suffers, things start getting tough very quickly. I don’t think I’m able to judge my social needs very well. I end up spending time texting with people quite often in the day but I’m not sure if I need to or whether it’s actually doing me any good or just ending up being a zero value time-sink.

The anxiety medication (it’s been 5 weeks since I started it) has been helping a lot but the last two days have been high anxiety days. I missed a couple doses too which got me worried about whether that was the reason for them, but I’m also quite sure that’s not how it works.

Covid’s been weird in terms of bonding with colleagues at work. Being honest and vulnerable about some sensitive things with someone you’ve never met is quite difficult, even if you keep doing it repeatedly. I wanna say it gets easier each time you do it, but honestly, the difference is so minimal it barely feels noticeable.
Of course, grand scheme of things – nothing matters, or it doesn’t matter as much as I think it does, blah blah blah.

I want to be able to fall asleep without having to do this. I know it’s okay to use writing as a tool to feel better, but I feel weird to think I’m almost dependent on it? Or maybe it’s the kind of a need that’s similar to physical exercise and it’s probably okay to have a need like that.. This barely took twenty minutes so I suppose I could find that time a couple times a week.