Tag: creative

076 – music journey // pt 2

 Most recent previous explorations: Here 

When you obsess over something, not getting it is a deeply painful experience. Sometimes I wish I could approach all my goals from a place of security ie the soul. I know that obsession makes for good (and potentially great) work but I don’t know. The things I’m doing lately are dependent on so many external factors that being obsessive about them isn’t helping that much. 

There’s also many frustrations that have been coming in the way of writing, recording covers (or music) and just general focus. 

— 

I finally found a window of a couple hours and was able to record the stuff I’d been wanting to. I’m getting separation anxiety at the thought of being away from my digital keyboard (ie piano / idk what to call it) for the next 5 whole days and I’m going to really miss it. I’ve realised I really like the sound of keys and I don’t know why I hadn’t started learning it earlier. What was I doing? HMM. 

I’ve been a little obsessed with self-growth and it’s been happening and it feels really great and maybe I don’t want to stop. I mean I want to keep up this pace. Maybe even want it to be a bit faster, actually. 

I’ve also found some answers to the “sharing your ideas on social media” conflict. I used to get really disappointed earlier if the expected engagement with something didn’t match the actual engagement, but I’m getting at better at understanding my own reasons for “still sharing the thing anyway”. I’m realising that I do eventually need to shift to streaming platforms (or at least add them in the mix). At the end of the day, I really want to share the sounds and test whether people want to listen to them or not. I’ve been a little lazy and procrastinatey about this because recording is a bit of a hassle (or I worry about the quality a lot) but I guess at some point I really just have to suck it up and get to it. 

I do need to streamline some of my processes though so I need to make some space for that as well. Actually, maybe that’s the major thing I need to work on this week, understanding my overheads and seeing if I can reduce any of them. 

The overhead problem will have to be approached from a very “work”-based lens. I know I don’t enjoy that aspect of the creative process but maybe I need to do it anyway. I’ve to wrap up “today” in a couple of hours since I’m headed to my parents’ place for the rest of the week.

I also had this thought the other day that I still haven’t been able to decide whether I want to focus more on music stuff or writing stuff. Obviously, songwriting could be the best way to combine both these longings but I don’t think my original music (ie the melody stuff) is very good yet. (I do think my lyrics are decent.) 

I’ve also been really appreciating poetry and song lyrics a lot more so I want to take some time out to do an assessment of my creative family tree (as Austin Kleon calls it). The idea is to study the people who inspire you. I may also not need to separate these out by interest area, since we’re just targeting people directly. (But yes I’d wanna think about writing, music, songwriting, all of it.) 

I’m realising that I do self-regulate a bit with fantasy and that’s probably not very healthy. Need to tackle the addiction of thinking (chatter-thinking) at some point. Or like, on a day-to-day basis. 

I think I want to reflect on music journey a little bit for the rest of this word-vomit. Because there’s too many threads open now in this area and maybe I need to evaluate a little more at this point so I can walk more deliberately. 

  • Been singing and playing (off and on, ie as a very non-serious hobby, but something I did always enjoy a lot) for more than ten years now (14 years, actually). First 5-6 years was just singing and playing by myself. Very occasionally sharing some recordings (covers) with very close friends. Was probably growing at a very slow pace but again, that’s just an unnecessary judgement. 

  • College was when I started singing and playing with people a little more. I was still extremely shy about it all and never really liked my voice that much so it was another four years of relatively slow growth. But I was listening to a lot of music, experiencing a lot of social, people-based experiences so it was all fuel for what is overall the creative process. 

  • Grad school— Another 1.5 years of primarily singing and playing by myself. Grad school was a very tough life phase so I can’t really blame myself. But— started my social media account towards the end of grad school ie started sharing some of it with more people. 

  • Next four years were great, found people to regularly sing and jam with. Started jamming and covering songs with a lot more people. Got much better at not thinking about “quality” ie got more confident. Started vocals lessons, was posting a lot more on social media as well. Started learning keys and drums too! Also started composing original stuff (albeit very rarely). Have been to a couple open-mics and now and also want to jam, collab and perform a little more. 

  • I’m here, now. 

How do I feel about all this? I feel pretty proud, actually. I like that I have a better relationship with my voice now. I also like that I have a better relationship with my feelings (which are generally major fodder for all this). I do want a better relationship with my self-image since that can come in the way of “publicly” singing/performing a bit. I’m also not very good at “marketing” and promotion stuff and maybe I need to get better at this. (This will involve first addressing why I don’t like the idea of self-marketing etc.)

Okay, I think this is good enough for now. The rest is literally just sitting and transferring all of this to an actionable list, which I will definitely do over the next couple days. 

Onward! 

075 – must I write // pt 2 

Pt 1: Here

We’re on the way to being 75% done. I’m doing some reviews because this is the last quarter of this goal. I was looking at annual insights and I actually only wrote 5000 words in 2022. (Compared with 35K in 2021 and 25K in 2023). Wtf was I doing in 2022? I know Feb-May was pretty busy with the move but I’m surprised that I barely wrote throughout the year. I remember 2022 being okay too. I don’t know then. Maybe I was doing other things. Maybe I was living. Maybe I was growing? Is what I want to think, but I’m not a 100% sure. 5k words is like a seventh of 35K words. This is just incredibly surprising to me. Maybe at some point I just lost awareness of this goal I had in mind? 

I don’t know. It doesn’t make sense. Anyway. It doesn’t matter. I am a bit sleepy so I must write fast tonight. 

I am clear that I like to write, a lot. Quite a lot. I’ve gotten better at it too. I like writing in short spurts, in flowy afternoons, on anxious days, on depressing days, on great days too. I do prefer writing in a notebook than on a laptop but of course I can do longer-form writing on a laptop. 

Authenticity is a value of mine. Which needs clarity. Which needs writing. So I must write. 

I’ve been doing more poetry and songwriting lately too and all of it also flows easier. I don’t know if these type of posts directly contribute to any of it but I imagine they must. How could they not? At worst, they’re reducing the gap between your brain (you) and the words coming out of you. And I’ve noticed this happening when I’m doing songwriting, I’m able to come up with truer-sounding lyrics without thinking much about it. So I suppose, that’s pretty great. 

But an evaluation on why you must write is also an evaluation on what you want from life, at least in the medium-term, if not the long-term. Since I perceive inner and outer life through writing, these are the questions, problems, opportunities I want to explore in the next medium-term phase. 

  1. My relationship with gender, sex, femininity and masculinity  
  2. My relationship with courage— how do you find more of it, how do you build capacity, how do you balance it with not pushing yourself too much 
  3. The balance with myself, my creative pursuits, my “search” for love and maintenance of existing relationships 
  4. The balance with music, writing and limited time
  5. The balance with creating things and sharing things (most recent explorations here)
  6. Do I want kids? If so, do I want to bear children or do I want to raise children? 
  7. Do I dare to dream? Dreaming has become a little scary lately, do I want to be a realist instead? Or where do I want to be on this spectrum? 
  8. I feel a sense of responsibility towards my parents and (sometimes) the society. How much can I take? What are my values here?
  9. There are certain things I don’t even imagine I can do based on the version I have of myself. What are these things? Knowing them wouldn’t hurt. Whether or not I choose to pursue any of these (based on #2 and #7) will be a question for the future me, but it might be worth exploring what kinds of wants and desires I have. (Soul-based, not ego-based). 
  10. I’ve been enjoying reading a lot more again (over the last 6 months). I want to continue to read more. What kind of books should I look for. I want Ocean Vuong and Sally Rooney type of words since they always really inspire me to write more. So I think this is worth looking into. 

Maybe that’s it for now. I think writing is the easiest way for me to get in touch with myself. I used to be critical of why I go through these qualitative analyses and evaluations when I should be jumping to lists and action items immediately. But now I’m realising these explorations, rambles, etc are the equivalent of what two or more people would do in an ideation and brainstorming session. What are the things we want to be working towards, what is the general vision, etc. Filtering all this down into action items is a separate task. Writing is the first step. Writing is what brings things from inside into the conscious awareness, at least. 

I know I may be repeating myself a lot in this post but I think I need to write the truth over and over again to make sure I can (eventually) internalise it. I may or may not have said this before, I cannot remember. 

If I wanted to, I can write everyday for the rest of December and wrap this project up. I used to always maintain that this is a “quantity first, quality later” project and do I want to change tact at this point? Why should I worry about the quality now? If I wrap this up I can also start thinking about the other projects in my awareness. I don’t know, let’s see. I’m not sure yet. I was in survival mode the past week so I don’t want to push myself too much either. 

This wasn’t fast and it took me slightly over an hour. But we’re done and that’s a lot of progress too! Happy Monday, folks. 🙂

071 – find ways to get over yourself

I realised why I haven’t been feeling the same amount of satisfaction on my music account lately (as I used to earlier). It’s not about the validation or the lack thereof. It’s about the fact that I’ve been holding off, a bit. I enjoy the freedom I have on this blog, I really do. 

But I think because more “known” people follow my music account, sometimes I tend to hold back. I should accept that my style is verbose. I’ve been trying to “play” a part. I wanted to appear a certain way. But I think I’m happiest when I’m posting as much as I want and in the ways that I want. That’s always going to be the primary purpose. Even when I have secondary and tertiary purposes (ie connection, more engagement, good “quality” work etc) the primary purpose is still sharing your art AND YOURSELF in the ways that YOU WANT. This is my account and it’s only tracking my journey. 

Being verbose actually helps me a lot. It helps me free my mind of the clutter. I also have really fresh learnings from yesterday about how new ideas sometimes only come to me when I make space in my brain from them. This actually literally means thought-dumping in all the various ways I need. Yesterday, it looked like finishing a song (even though I didn’t end up happy with the “final” result— more on this another time), making a couple of covers, journaling a few times, going over some of my older stuff and taking it a bit forward (even when I couldn’t reach too far), and then going out and sharing some of my thoughts on all this with a couple friends too. (Luckily there were people around me who like talking about stuff like this.) 

I think about my first really great software engineering internship experience. I had a superb mentor. He was great at most of the things I needed help with— code reviews, technical advice, prioritisation stuff, debugging— all the jazz. But do you know what he was excellent at? Teaching me how to get the fuck over myself. He didn’t phrase at this way. He was gentler about it, and I’m glad. One of the questions that I would ask him on a recurring basis was, “Oh should I just ask other people for help directly or should I spend time by myself on the thing before that?” As an intern or a new grad, some of us tend to be very afraid of bothering people. We tend to be afraid of looking stupid. And yes, there’s a balance to be struck with all this, I’m not saying you want to be the person who’s walking up to one person 20 times in a day. But here’s the thing: You want to get over yourself because the work that you’re doing is more important than you. If you zoom out, everyone you’re sharing the space with has a common purpose, and you have to trust that everyone around you will remember that as well. (I’m going to write more about this in a more structured way).

But the point is, my social media accounts are currently PRIMARILY there to serve me. If they can serve me, I can get better. If I can get better, I can perhaps come up with and share more ideas with the world. Maybe there are people who are naturally able to directly serve others. But for me, serving myself is the only way I’m able to serve others. 

So, I’m going to do this. I’m going to post more on my music account in the ways that I want to. Not hold back, because I don’t want to follow a template. I want to be my verbose, journey-loving, process-loving self on there. Whatever people think about that, I’ll leave that up to them. 

Because if I really had to be succinct about my goals on my music journey (and really all creative journeys) at the moment, they’re just: 

  • Making a lot of things 
  • Understanding myself better 

— 

Anyway, that’s that. I’m a little hungover from going out (and drinking a lot) last night so that’s going to be it on all that. I’ve been feeling a few unpleasant feelings since I woke up today so maybe I’ll just share those and get rid of them. 

  • I don’t like this feeling that comes when you’re hungover. I don’t want it. So I’m going to make it a point to stop at 2-3 drinks OR if I really do cross my limits, I really need to make sure to hydrate before I go to sleep. Definitely don’t want to be doing the early 20s kind of drinking anymore. 

  • I also get triggered when I see too many couples doing couple things and I want to find a better cope for this. 

  • I got a rejection from a portal for online tutoring that I’d applied to. It’s only a small bummer by itself but it opens up a bigger question. Obviously, part of me wanted this perhaps a bit “easily”. If I want to apply to a few places (or a few times) then I really need to decide whether this is the thing that makes the most sense for me to “try properly”. [for part-time paid work]

  • There’s a friendship I’m lowkey struggling with. We’ve been sufficiently close friends since college and this is perhaps one of those friendships where I feel close and intimate enough with the person to share a variety of stuff and we have a good amount of fun together and yet there’s something missing. Maybe I just want more quality time. Or more attention. I don’t know what it is exactly, and this is quite interesting. I gotta come back to this.

067b – the inherent insecurity of an artist

Something that I always keep coming back to is labels. I know that it’s important to me that I accept certain labels (from myself, for myself).

What are these labels, you ask?

Well, to name a few: artist, photographer, writer, poet, musician, singer, vocalist

I want to be able to use them for myself without scoffing.

I know exactly when I started rejecting these labels (I actually picked it up from someone else who was rejecting labels because they didn’t feel deserving of them, and because I thought that this person was actually much better at the craft than I was at the time, I internalised “well if they’re not even calling themselves a photographer, how can I?). And I applied the same reasoning to all others labels as well.

HOWEVER, there is only so much time and brainpower. It gets tedious to go through this dialog which almost always goes the same way.

Oh but how can I call myself an artist?
> Oh but you are an artist.
But I’ve never made any money out of my art or I don’t even know if any of my art is good!
> Yeah but that doesn’t matter. 

So, obviously, there is a push and a pull here. There are two parts that are fighting with each other.

Maybe rejecting these labels served me a purpose AT SOME POINT OF TIME. Maybe I didn’t want to come across as overconfident, or cocky, or lacking self-awareness, etc etc. I was afraid of judgement, basically. But is it serving me at all anymore? 

If I write -> I am a writer. 

If I click pictures -> I am a photographer. 

If I paint (sometimes) -> I am an artist.

If I write poetry (sometimes) -> I am a poet. 

If I play or make music -> I am a musician. 

This SHOULD feel true. This SHOULD feel enough. But why is it that it still doesn’t? I think it’ll take some practice. 

Let’s look at some definitions: 

noun: artist: a person who creates paintings or drawings as a profession or hobby.

noun: musician: a person who plays a musical instrument, especially as a profession, or is musically talented.

noun: writer: a person who has written something or who writes in a particular way.

You get the gist. I think it’s always the “especially as a profession” that I would hang on to as the main reason for rejecting all these labels. 

Yesterday at a poetry slam somebody talked about the inherent insecurity of an artist. Obviously I really related to that and we talked about it at length, but couldn’t really come to a conclusion. I think over the last few years, enough people have given me the gift of putting these labels on me and while it always feels magical to hear someone call you a poet or a musician or an artist etc etc, I know that what I really really NEED is for me to give myself the same gift, again and again. 

So okay, there is a clearly an inner-critic who is not ready to give this to me. Maybe I can think about the benefits of these labels, instead, then? 

To be honest, the only benefits I can think of for now are just more efficient and optimal conversation, I do think second-guessing everything you say can get tiring for someone listening to you. And then that (ie more confidence, surity) allows for quicker connections with potential collaborators as well. 

Maybe you’re thinking, how the fuck does this all matter? Call yourself whatever you want, just do the damn thing. But I’ve found that loopy dialogues like these are exactly what prevent me from doing the damn thing. If I’m thinking about this insecurity, then there’s a reason for it. I feel strongly about it, and I do feel a need to resolve it. 

Maybe that’s enough. Maybe I don’t need 100 benefits to a thing to adopt it. It feels true, it feels resonant. I know I revel in labels like woman, queer, demisexual, ambivert, etc etc. So why is it that I feel so undeserving of these other labels? 

I still don’t know. Ah, I don’t know if I got anywhere with this. 

But I’ll end this with one more point to my inner critic: maybe it’s just realising that calling yourself a musician doesn’t mean that you’re implying that you’re a good musician. That is something you cannot decide. You’re passionate about these crafts and you’re also cognisant about the subjectivity of art, that is all there is, actually. 

060b – 60k words! + calling (pt1)

So you might think you’ve found your calling, what next? 

This is the main question I’m asking myself this week. 

Firstly, because my younger self left me with some decent advice, I’m going to outline some of the reasons and motivations around why I think art or creative work might be calling me. At least, right now. Some fears and worries and hesitations might show up too and I’m going to list those out as well, because they’ve been holding me back from embracing this over the last few months (and maybe even the last few years). 

So, why do I gravitate towards creating things if I’m left in a vacuum? 

  • Emotion management / release. This is primary. I think I have too many feelings almost always at the surface and if I’m not engaging with some form of expression regularly (ie daily, at least), then I’m dissatisfied, unhappy, and often overwhelmed. (OR otherwise I end up engaging unhealthier forms of “numbing” ie alcohol, nicotine, social media, etc). So, this is the healthiest and the most accessible form of emotion management that I have for myself. 

  • Presence + Joy. These activities (writing, music, doodling, photography, dancing, etc etc) are the most “satisfactory” and “joyful” methods of being present, for me. Aside from maybe talking to people I really enjoy talking to, where our energies can resonate.

  • Collaboration. These are also the things I find joy in collaborating with people over. Especially music (I haven’t done a lot of collaboration wrt other forms yet)

  • Connection and impact. It’s incredibly fulfilling when people tell you they connect with whatever you put out there. It’s a different way of feeling seen AND making someone feel seen at the same time. People have sometimes told me that some of the art I’ve shared has been healing for them as well, and I care a lot about that kind of impact. 

Yep, I think that pretty much captures it. 

Now, I feel some of the hesitations and fears cropping up, so let me jot those down: 

  • I’ve romanticised artists, and I just think I want to “be” an artist, and I might not be truly motivated by the doing in and of itself. 
  • I know had the creative streak in me as a kid, but it started getting fleshed out more only post 12/13. If I truly liked art then why wasn’t I doing enough of it during peak childhood? (ie from ages 7/8-13)? Isn’t this the time most people (given peaceful childhoods) are experiencing what they truly like to engage with? I used to engage a lot more with science, so why’s it the case that I don’t like the sciences anymore? 

I don’t think I can address these fears, really. All I can tell myself is that maybe people change, or maybe people have multiple sides in them. Maybe it’s futile to think your “true calling” is a single thing. Maybe right now this is what I’m curious about, and that’s fine. Maybe science (ie engineering) just got a little too tough for me, and maybe my creative side was just feeling starved. Maybe if I feed it enough I’ll have both these parts of me balanced and secure, and then I can see what’s louder. Or maybe I don’t have to pick. When it’s time to find jobs (ie a few months from now, for sustenance), maybe I can think about this then. 

And I am moving through life now with more awareness than I did as a kid (I think). (Side question: What is the difference between presence and awareness?) 

Feeling a little dissatisfied with this post though, I suppose maybe because I didn’t really address the “What Next” question. But I’ll continue this tomorrow or later this week. Feeling a little tired at the moment. 

But, 60K words! Kind of cool 🙂

044b – three weeks of living at my parents’ house 

Man, it’s been tough. In the last year or so, I’ve spent a lot of time at my parents’ house. And though it always does come with its share of hardships (I call them “red dots”), it’s been a little harder this time. Primarily because everyone thinks that because I’m more “free” (ie because I don’t have a job), they are entitled to more of my time. Or well, maybe not everyone, but my grandmother definitely seems to think so. 

My sister was around for the last couple weeks so that was relatively nicer, since I absolutely love having her around (and so does everyone else). But now that she’s left, my grandmother thinks that she doesn’t “have anyone”. 

Okay maybe this is going to be a grandmother rant more than anything else. She’s 83, and doesn’t really have a good relationship with anyone. She hasn’t treated her kids (one of them is my dad) very well throughout her life and is now (I think) suffering the consequences of her actions. Old age is of course difficult for most people (I guess), but I don’t know, it feels really difficult to take care of her. 

Overall, I’ve been questioning some things as well. ie how much suffering can I see in front of me? How much of myself can I actually sacrifice just to attempt to ease her suffering a bit, though any of this sacrifice or charity (of my time, for example) doesn’t actually make her feel better on a deep level, which then makes me wonder whether there’s any point to my sacrifice at all. 

I think I just need to set some boundaries. ie know my boundaries. I will always get frustrated when she wakes me up in the morning or noon or asks me to have meals with her, so that’s something I can allow myself to feel. But what I can do is spend some time (around 20-30 minutes) once in a couple days talking to her, and then even if that isn’t enough for that is eventually not my problem.  

Had some small arguments with my mother as well, but I think they’re small in the grand scheme of things. My parents have overall been quite understanding of me, my preferences, etc. So that’s really nice of them and I appreciate it. (I probably need to tell them that, since I know one of their complaints is that I don’t appreciate them enough)

However I know that living here isn’t very sustainable, so I definitely need to move by July, latest. 

Some things are nice though. It’s nice to have regular food, and two nice balconies, and most things smoothly running. It’ll obviously take some time to get that all once I move, wherever I move. And obviously it’s nice to save a bit of money as well. 

I’m slowly trying to find time and solitude to engage in mini creative activities which has been really fulfilling. Also finished reading “Steal Like An Artist” (really short book, highly recommend for anyone) and started working on some the recommended things mentioned in that and that feels really good too. 

So anyway, that’s what’s been up. Write soon! 

042 – my relationship(s) with various art forms

I have a long weekend this weekend (really long, 4 days) and I’m currently on Day 2 of it. I wanted to take some time to out to reflect on.. well, what the title says. 

Writing 

This is my go-to choice of expression. While I don’t do “creative” writing as such, I’m pretty comfortable with my relationship with this. I regularly journal, blog, share small posts on instagram, and enjoy doing it. I generally mostly think in words, and there’s little-to-no inertia from a thought entering my brain to me putting it out on paper if I want to.

If I could improve on anything, that’d be working on more poetry + sharing it, long-form blogs so I can improve my ability to stick to a single topic or related topics. Eventually, I’d maybe want to write a book, if I ever come up with enough material for something that’s worth writing about / sharing with the world. 

Photography 

I really enjoy this as well. I like the activity, I’m also able to come up with enough “original”ish compositions, and I feel secure in how I’m able to use this as a form of expression. I like the idea of mixing aesthetics and meaning and I feel like I’m able to find a balance with this. I’m also comfortable with and enjoy sharing my pictures, and that’s always a good sign. 

I like clicking pictures more than I like consuming photos, but I like consuming them enough that I never lack inspiration. 

If I could improve on anything, I’d probably want to invest in some more lenses / a better camera, go out and do more photowalks (like I used to earlier), setup pipelines to explore selling prints, and try to find paid gigs or opportunities for collaboration. 

Music

This is the tough one. I think (or feel) that I enjoy this the most, more than writing or photography or painting. But I think the “problem” is that I’ve only ever been playing and singing covers all my life. Although over the last couple years I’ve somewhat started to experiment with making some original melodies but it’s been very slow, and very minimal. And I don’t think I enjoy making original music as much as I enjoy making original write-ups or photos. So the “originality” is where I get stuck on this.

And I don’t understand the differences very well. Like I don’t know what would be the equivalent of a “cover” when it comes to writing. Maybe narrating a poetry I really like? Yeah I suppose. And I can imagine that being pleasurable as well, of course. I think it’s a numbers thing. I’ve probably written like at least 500 original essays (including journaling) in my life, so that comes naturally to me. With original melodies, I’m at like 10 or something. So yes, this one’s tough. But I want to commit to this, and increase my numbers on original pieces. And then see where I’m at. Will also want to resume vocal lessons, and probably invest in either guitar / keyboard lessons. 

Painting / Digital Art 

This one is fairly new for me. I did this a lot as a kid and last year I tried getting back into this. I really really enjoy it, it’s satisfactory on a deep level. However, I do think that this is the one activity out of the 4 where I enjoy the results more than the process. I’m not super sure if I enjoy the process yet. I also feel a lot of inertia with getting the paint supplies + water etc ready to start working on something new. So I don’t know, I’m still learning how I feel about this one. Again, like with music, investing in classes would probably be the best course of action if I want to explore this more. 

— 

Since these are the main things I want to spend the next few months doing, going forward it’ll be nice to have a quick evaluation method for how everything’s going. I think the characteristics I majorly covered in the sections above are the following: 

Enjoyment 

  • How much do I enjoy the activity in general? 
  • Do I like the process or just the results? 
  • Am I wanting to be someone or do I genuinely enjoy the “doing”?

Originality 

  • Am I able to be somewhat original? 
  • Even if I am making copies, am I able to add my own touch to them? 
  • Am I able to express myself, my emotions? 

Ease, Comfort 

  • What is the general ease, logistical ease like? 
  • Am I able to pull numbers, am I able to engage regularly? 

Sharing 

Collaboration 

Monetary Viability 

  • This may or may not be important (or consequential), but it’s not irrelevant. 

— 

Wrote an almost 1000-word post after quite a while. Feeling good about it. Engagement is crucial. An obvious step after reflection would be goal-setting but I don’t feel like doing that at the moment. But I will, soon-ish. Let me know in the comments if I missed out on any important evaluative aspects! 🙂 

040a – connecting with myself

Haven’t written one of these in a while. Been going through a lot of stuff lately, not eventfully but feelings wise, but as a result I’ve finally gotten back into a little bit of working out that I’d completely given up for almost the last 6 months. So I did some good amount just now and I’m feeling spent. Post-workout clarity has also allowed myself to cancel a thing I was kind of dreading so I have the rest of the day free now.

The last 2-3 days have been pretty decent though, and the week overall too. Though I think my social life can be a little better and a little more fulfilling, overall not much to complain about these days. It’s getting a little less cold outside as well so that’s been a major pick-me-up. Creatively, I feel better too. Been writing a little bit and clicking pictures again, and that always makes me feel super nice. 

Really wanna make the most of this place and the people in the next two months so I can feel somewhat satisfied with my time here. (ie Amsterdam)

Anyway, something that was coming up a lot in the couple weeks before the one that just went by was a lot of feelings of loneliness and isolation. Some of it was just coming by due to not enough daytime plans and not enough socialisation in general, but I think of some of it was just my own. Something that came up in therapy is how feeling disconnected from even myself can cause this. And that feels true, as I’ve finally incorporated a little more physical activity and movement in my own routine, I’m feeling more connected with myself again. (This was what I knew I needed, this could of course differ for you)

One other thing I’ve been trying to do more of is learn more about art, what it is, how important it is to me and the world, etc etc. And I’ve talked about this before but I think a question that often comes up for me is whether there’s a difference between art and entertainment. (This comes up because personally I like to think about whether something I’m putting out in the world is just entertaining or whether it serves a bigger purpose. And while I don’t deny that entertainment does have its own value, I do think art is a little different.) But I finally found my answer with this quote by Erik Hoel: Entertainment, etymologically speaking, means “to maintain, to keep someone in a certain frame of mind.” Art, however, changes us. I’m sure there’s a lot of research on these two concepts and how they tie together, I’m sure a lot of people have different opinions about this, but for me, I think I agree with this idea that not all entertainment can be “art”. Stumbled upon this quote from Brody Deschanel’s channel, which itself has some really well-researched and well written video essays on a variety of topics. 

So, to recap:

  1. Had a few lonely and isolating weeks, realised that connection with myself can be a good solution too, when I can’t always hang out with other people.
  2. Entertainment and art are both valuable, but I think art serves a bigger purpose than entertainment. 

036b – blocked

Feeling very blocked since the last two days. So I need to get a word-vomit out before I sleep tonight. Blocked, how? Mainly, creatively. Living at home really takes up a lot of mental space. So I think I’ve found that it’s comfortable and mostly pleasant, but not fulfilling enough. What makes me feel fulfilled? I think when I’m spending enough time on my hobbies and other creative pursuits. And I really do need dedicated time-spaces for that.

I was home for my sister’s wedding and that’s now been wound up for exactly 10 days. It’s about time I get back to the things I want to be doing in my daily life. Will also have the weekend somewhat to myself so I can dedicate that to wrapping this up, for good. Will also try to make a todo list after I’m done with this write-up. I think there’s been a lot of joy around for the last month but all of it feels like it’s been on borrowed time. It doesn’t fully feel mine, especially since it feels like it didn’t come out of my “daily routine”. It’s a one-off thing. Does that reduce the value of it? Probably not, and yet.. I’d thought about various things I could have done if I was home for longer than a month, and I haven’t really committed to any of them. I don’t know, time just keeps slipping away. It’s been hard to focus, anyway.

Really couldn’t focus on this either so I tried to make a quick todo list. I think it’s helped already. Should I just give this up, though? I remember how the voice in my head used to be so loud and incessant. And now I barely have anything to talk about. Why’s that the case? It’s the open questions that really kill you. I’d mentioned these in my previous word-vomit but they’re still very very open and very very icky. What do I want to focus on in life? How do I want to be spending my time? How do I try to find someone / how do I look for relationships? Where do I wanna be, geographically, long-term. Does the geography question matter if I want to be seriously dating?

At least word-vomits still don’t take more than 30 minutes. I don’t know why I dread starting this still when I know a small post will barely take any time. Maybe I’ve lost some of my “reflection” skills. Whatever that means. Oh man, living in the present is just so difficult.

This is probably one of the least interesting series of sentences I’ve ever written but I’m going to post it anyway, since that’s the only way I get to continue / move past this. Hope you all have a better start to the weekend than mine!