creativity – untitled atm

108a – questions, questions

Had a lowkey depressing week. Finally stepped out and grabbed coffee with a friend and that feels like a game changer. Good friendships are so important, they can remind us that we’re not completely worthless. A good friend feels like a portal to the world— the world that’s sometimes too scary to look at without that portal.

The main reason I’ve been low is because of some hurdles in my creative process. I was diving full on into music production and it was really fun too, until I realised I wasn’t quite happy with what I’d made. And of course, that’s part of the process, but I was hit with all sorts of realisations. Some of them being:

I have, subconsciously, been a bit impatient about wanting results. I put some deadlines on myself— the deadlines are good to get work done— but I need to remember the deadlines are arbitrary. If I’m not happy with something, that’s okay, I can take my time to figure out what I want, instead.

Okay that’s actually just one primary realisation. But secondly, I feel like my inner critic is just quite loud these days. The feeling of not being good enough for the things I want to do.. stops me from doing anything at all. I suppose our inner critic is one of the biggest threats to our creativity.

Anyway, enough of this self-wallowing self-pity type sentiments. I really want to do something fun. I’ll figure out what after I write this word-vomit.

What’s something fun I can do that’s not motivated by results or external factors? I don’t know, actually. I’ve been spending so much time with “music” so that doesn’t feel like it would be fun today. I need a change, I need something different. This word-vomit helps, of course.. but it’s not enough. I’m really enjoying playing an MMO game called Travian these days, but that’s not enough either. I guess it’s safe to say I’m a little lonely too, since Y is away at her place.

I don’t know, I’m also feeling quite restless. Not sure what it is. Maybe I’m hungry. Ugh, the human body is quite a pain to maintain.

I suppose there are things I can do with my time, even though maybe part of me doesn’t feel like doing them. There are people I need to text back, there are todo lists to make, there is digital organisation to be done.. but perhaps those tasks don’t feel tempting enough.

Well, I did some singing and that felt nice, even though my vocal cords have been fried lately.. due to various reasons. Hopefully tomorrow will be a bit better.

Something I’m struggling with “in music” is whether to focus more on improving my singing or my instrumental skills. Not very sure about this, hopefully time will give me the answers, but it hasn’t so far, so.. I don’t really know.

Anyway— questions, questions. Always, so many open questions.

Hope y’all had a lovely November! xx

096b – the creative process of intimacy

I haven’t been writing (publicly) as much because all I can write about lately is love and romance. Anyone who knows me knows I’m deeply wary of the idea of being enmeshed with anyone else, especially romantic partners. And yet, these days I find myself wanting to spend all of my time with a specific person. She’s great and we both seem to be on the same page about most important things (including our own individual needs wrt alone time etc), and yet I do find my alone time not being as precious lately. It’s almost like I’m able to “recharge” with her and hence am able to do my “alone time” with her as well. Which.. I know it isn’t necessarily a bad thing— I’ve been in monogamous relationships before and they can be really pleasant— and just because they come with very strong, deep attachments doesn’t mean I have to be so fearful of them. But still, I know for sure that to retain my sense of myself, my individuality (which really, philosophically, I’m fully sure of wanting to do), I do need to remember what I like about my alone alone time.

Writing and music have been the two most important things over the last year, and to be fair to myself, I’ve been doing enough of the two, even if I’m not doing them publicly.

Still, I would like to continue to make my writing / journaling / blogging public, to the extent possible.

This actually feels really good too. Just the idea of writing things down and sharing them with the world does give me a sense of comfort and security. And this is important for me to note and regularly stay in touch with so I can do everything that I talked about earlier in the beginning of this post (ie retain and maintain my sense of self).

Something I’m more in touch with lately is a bit of the “crazy” and “weird” parts of me. Of course, calling them crazy and weird is a bit of a judgement, but perhaps I just mean the parts that maybe we’re not fully secure about, whether it’s because we carry internal judgement or whether society makes us that way, doesn’t really matter. Channeling all this becomes very important though. Of course most of us know creativity and art thrives on all of the parts of us that we’re not able to express through other ways. But to channel them successfully we need to make sure our routines around creative work are not falling apart. If I’m not writing everyday, for example, then even being in touch with part a or b will be useless. To create good stuff, or stuff we can be happy with, then, needs the following things—

a. being in touch with all sorts of feelings and parts of us,

b. routines wrt outlets and our creative practices,

c. the courage to express and the courage to share it or put it “out there”.

I suppose the process of intimacy (with another) and with the self looks the same in many ways then.

Anyway. Was this too rambly? I don’t think so. What am I saying? I’m saying that even though I haven’t been creating as much art as I may want to, I think I’m okay with it because I’m deepening my connection with someone, and that is, in many ways, the same thing as creating art (to me). The output, yes, is quite different, but for a while I think I’m okay to invest my time and bandwidth in the “creative process of love and romance”, and not just my existing preferred creative outlets.

Happy april, folks! xx

061a – training

Training hard, training myself to live in the present more and more. Yesterday was a very packed day, I chose action and activity a lot more over “sitting and thinking and doing nothing”. Tiring, but satisfying, in most ways. It’s a little scary to realise that most people might already be living this way, naturally. That they might be so well-adjusted that they don’t have to “do” this? Deliberately? Eh, I know this line of thinking isn’t very helpful, but it’s alright.

This week and the previous week has been more action-oriented, for sure, and I think it’s been good that way. Making stuff can be addictive though, and I do have a tendency to go all in, even at the cost of food, health, sleep, social needs and/or other healthy habits. Don’t want that for myself. Want to maintain balance even when I’m inspired and active with “work”.

I’ve had a couple of really crazy nights, I think I had “trips” without any intoxicants, I’ve experienced some new feelings (mostly positive) over the last couple days, I don’t know whether I just thunk myself into this new territory or whether they were real, only time can tell, but it was interesting, at the least.

Two conflicts remain though:

Can I (and how) spare 3-4 hours a week for social work? I really want to, but how much do I want to? It’s draining for sure, but it’s also an opportunity, and it’s work that’s aligned with my values, I think if I set a schedule it shouldn’t be tough. Let’s figure this out this week.
Do “good” work and share it is the advice Austin Kleon gives in his book “Steal Like An Artist”. I’ve always believed you get good at something only by doing a ton of it. But even after that (let’s say after a certain units of said thing), how do you differentiate between work and “good” work? I’ve been focused on action, and I’m going to continue to do that for the next couple months, see how much capacity I have for even just “doing the work”, but at some point I’m also going to have to start thinking about how to focus on doing “good” work, I guess.
Of course, would need to think more about what “good” even means. (To me, to him, to the world). Okay, it’s a fair concern, but a concern for future-me.

Anyway, as I was going over this book again, two of my other worries were somewhat addressed. People, other people I mean, people who haven’t engaged enough with “multiple passions” I suppose, always keep telling me I need to focus on something if I want to “get somewhere”. But Austin says you don’t need to cut out any of your interests. In fact, it’s futile and counterproductive to do so. So, I’m going to trust him on that.

The other thing which I’d been worried about (like I’ve mentioned in previous few posts as well) is the sharing aspect of creation. It’s tough not only because of the pipelines but also because sometimes the things you make/share don’t get enough engagement etc. But again, Austin (bless him lol) says that in the beginning, obscurity can be good. It keeps you free from pressure and expectations. You can experiment without thinking about it too much. So, yeah, I’m going to try to make the most of obscurity. If it ever lifts, great, if not, I still have everything I want.

Will end this with beautiful thoughts by John Kim: Give less fucks on what people think about you and where you should be in life and more (real) fucks on what you can do and how you can be present and be of service to yourself and the world. (I’ve modified these for myself but I’ve added a link to the post in case anyone’s look for motivation!)

032b – how to say art

Content creation (and sharing) is so hard. It’s incredibly rewarding and addictive, obviously. But everything that comes up as soon as you post something, that can get pretty hard. So much vulnerability, so much self-doubt when something doesn’t go well right away. And yet, there’s something crazy about the dopamine (or whatever) that makes you want to keep going, again and again.

I guess it gets somewhat easier the more you do it, but I’m still for from a place where it doesn’t bother me at all. Wherein I’m detached from the art as soon as it’s out there. I think the trick would be to move on to the next thing as soon as possible. And then look at the past shares and how they did only when you’re ready to take feedback from them for the next thing. Feedback just to feel or inform your own opinion of your art seems useless. Your opinion was whatever it last was before you put it out into the world.
Maybe it’d be useful to record that opinion before I share the thing.

Anyway, it’s still hard to call my writings or music or pictures “art”. I don’t know, multiple layers of judgement and ridicule from my own self when I do so. (This is probably worth exploring in a future post.)

Things have randomly gotten hard otherwise. Friendships have suddenly gotten a little complicated. I suppose it’s inevitable. But I don’t know how to make much sense of it, or whether I want to resolve it. It’s hard to want to resolve things when you’re the only one who seems to want it. I suppose I can let time do its thing, and maybe we’ll settle into a new normal, or whatever. I’m aware this is quite vague for you, the reader, but I also don’t feel like changing it. My apologies.

Work’s been good though, my sleep schedule has been pretty decent too.

I really want to write 200 words more but I feel so exhausted right now. It’s a good thing, I know. As soon as I’m done with this I’m going to hop into bed. I have a long Friday ahead of me tomorrow, and I don’t want to be super drained tomorrow. Part of me wants to stop now and continue this later but I also know that won’t happen, and worse – I won’t feel like posting this useless word vomit out there. The only way I can post it is if I write it in a single stretch. Of course, I’m cheating right now with all the meta writing, but eh, I’m okay with that.

Welp, I smoked a little bit of weed. What a shift in mood. I’ve always wanted to write when high. Somehow never feel like writing when I’m high though. All I feel like doing is talking to people. Or listening to music. Or watching good content. I’ve always wanted to execute and lean into creativity when high, but execution is so hard for me in that state. I absolutely love talking to people when I’m in this state though. Okay, I think I need more ways of saying “when I’m high” / “when I’m in this state”. This paragraph is terribly tedious.

Alright folks, there’s my 500 words, have a great Friday!

031a – music stuff

Excited about all the music in my life right now. I ordered a second-hand keyboard, looking forward to setting up near my window and eventually playing some jazz on it. I want to remember how it takes time to build the skills, I can’t expect much in the first couple months. But I might do a Take Me to Church cover pretty soon.

I want to find more people to jam with, I want to get more involved in all of this. I’m going to fix my sleep schedule and spend more of my weekends playing and creating more music.

I “created” some bits of music in the last couple of weeks, it was huge for me because for some reason I always thought it was impossible to do. Which is weird, since other parallels never seemed as tough. You get colors, you’re okay throwing them on a blank canvas and seeing what comes up. You get words, you’re able to make sentences and prose and even poetry out of them. But for some reason, even though I always had the notes (i.e the building blocks), I never thought of forming melodies with them.

I think I always stopped at whether “it made sense” or whether “it was good enough” (even just in my head) to even attempt it. I’m amazed at how long at it took me to get here, and all the forces that must have been at play to get me here. But I’m happy I’m finally here.

I also want to learn a little more of music theory. Jacob Collier’s masterclass has been incredibly inspirational. I do think you have to find the romance in everything that you like for it to truly be inviting. I’m allowing myself to dream and daydream (again).

I don’t know how to be organized about all of this, though. Prioritizing and sorting through all of these small half-baked ideas seems like a chore. And the only motivation to do that is to increase executive function. How do you resolve the conflict between discipline and freedom?
I also don’t enjoy “production” as much. I think it requires much more of all of the discipline and the organizational skills. It feels plainer, less creative. You have to really like the pieces you have and you’ve to really believe they matter for you to spend time and effort on putting it all together.

Then there’s the other part to this, lived experiences. What stories do I want to tell, what part of life is interesting enough to share? These blog posts don’t matter, even the most trivial thought-clouds I don’t mind sharing on here. But with music, do I want it to be a little more? I guess it’s like any other thing. Maybe it’s a numbers game. Maybe I need to start from the basics. Just put numbers on the board. Once I make ten melodies, maybe I can think about the quality and the actual content.

Dreams do have their own place, but eventually it’s the execution that’ll move us forward.

028a – are you up to speed?

Haven’t posted in a while, I start things but don’t end up completing them. This is definitely going to be a good old word-vomit. Hoping to complete it tonight. Things have been busy, somehow. I moved to my own place a few weeks back and though it’s all been nothing short of spectacular, it’s definitely also been a little lonelier, if I’m being honest. I did expect a little bit of that to happen, and I’d promised myself I’d have some structures in place to not let it get out of hand. Structures like a minimum of two social activities per week (one during the week and one on the weekend), and mostly – I’ve been abiding by that. But looks like I might need three of those? Or I might need the two to be really fulfilling…

Got my second shot of the Pfizer vaccine a couple days ago and had a high fever as a side effect. Again – this was something expected but I’d forgotten what it feels like, don’t think I’ve had a fever in the last two years (hurrah!), so it was definitely very draining, exhausting.

Also been feeling a little bit anxious here and there. Part of me feels like it’s because I haven’t written in a while. Biweekly summaries of “what’s been up” have been quite helpful in the recent past, and even though I’ve been catching up with people and giving them a bit of all of this – it’s not the same as doing it for (?) myself. I think it’s because when there’s other people involved – new things sometimes get added up. Probably things like – feelings about their reactions, their own updates, this, that.

I think most of the anxiety and the fog is because of the state of the pandemic back home – the second wave hit India really hard and pretty much everyone I know is or has been suffering – either directly or through families. My grandfather passed away too, and though he lived a long, full life and it had to happen one way or the other, it’s been weird to grieve while I’m away from the rest of my family. It’s been weird to half-heartedly grieve, since I know most of it will hit me only when I visit his home. That’s where most of him resides, for me, and I can’t fully feel or process his absence until I actually go there. And I don’t really know when I’ll get to go, considering how unsafe it’d be to travel to India right now.

Thankfully work’s not been too stressful the last couple weeks. I managed to get a decent amount of time for many of my creative pursuits, I’m recording a lot of music, doing a decent bit of photography, meeting new people – enjoying it a lot. Want to ensure I keep working hard enough to sustain this job. I see the benefits of it from time to time.

Well, looks like we’re done. I want to post something I wrote the morning I heard about baba’s death, but maybe I’ll wrap it up around some context and post it soon.