culture – untitled atm

106a – values exploration (pt 2)

I haven’t written much in a while. I’m unable to complete essays, unable to begin poems and I just don’t seem to have enough material for word-vomits. Of course, from past experience— and I’ve said this multiple times before— I know that it’s rarely the case that one doesn’t have enough to write about. It’s generally just that the stuff that’s going on is something perhaps one doesn’t feel open enough to share, or doesn’t want to share, for various reasons.

But I promised myself early on that to the extent possible, I would write in public. Of course, I need to be considerate of other people. This is coming from the fact that something I wrote a few weeks ago caused some conflict in a relationship of mine. To be precise, the conflict wasn’t really about me writing about it, so much as it was about me thinking certain things at all. And all that is fair. We’ve moved on from it (it’s not completely resolved), but to the extent possible— it’s not an active problem.

But that did awaken the “I need to be considerate about people who may end up reading these” thought in me.

I find myself in conflict with a few people lately. Some personal, some professional. I believe that’s because the more time I’ve spent “just” by myself or just with a few people, I’ve gotten a stronger sense of my values, beliefs and boundaries. Of course, nobody wants to live on an island, and if I lose too many important relationships, I would really have to question whether it’s me that’s the problem (ie do I need to adjust more, accommodate more and be more tolerant of certain things), or is it okay to lose relationships that don’t serve me anymore.. and I’m willing to face this question, but currently I think I stand with the former explanation— that is, I don’t want to be “tolerant” if it comes at the cost of some amount of self-abandonment.

A lot of people say that people’s core values cannot be changed. So when you are deciding whether to continue a relationship with someone, you really need to trust what their values are telling you. But I don’t think that’s necessarily true, I do think one can get “more in touch” with certain values with time and different life situations. For example, I didn’t really know how much I cared about freedom until even a couple years ago. It’s only this year that I’ve experienced freedom to a much larger extent than ever before and that’s taught me that I really value it!

(This newfound value for freedom is also urging me to explore and learn about various economic models (and the politics around them) and I’m finally getting started with something I’ve been wanting to do for a couple years now— ie forming an opinion on where I stand wrt capitalism etc. More on this later though!)

Anyway, I looked up the post from when I did a values exercise last year (sidenote: it’s nice to see that’s almost exactly a year ago from now. Something subconscious, it feels like). I found that freedom isn’t in my top-5. It’s not exactly up there in my top-10 either but there’s choice, which I’d say is synonymous for me. I’m going to go ahead and put freedom at 6, just for my current explorations of what I really care about. So here’s my updated list:

Authenticity (This is the only one I’m a 100% confident about)
Gratitude
Kindness / Love
Health
Learning
Freedom / Choice

I’m not getting around to making a point actually. Here’s what I’d recap with:

I’m questioning my core values, but that’s okay, I have a working understanding of them
I’m realising that it’s not true that people’s core values don’t change over time (they may not “change” per se but I do think it’s possible there’s some fluidity there)
I’m questioning why there’s an increased amount of conflict in my life lately, do I need to introspect or is it just a direct result of me getting more clarity about what I care about

Yeah, I suppose that’s it, really.

Happy October, folks xx

090b – intimacy and travel

There is something about leaning on people that feels incredibly rewarding. Intimacy is magical and every time you do something tough in the journey (asking for what you need or want, or something you’d like, or canceling plans with consideration)— you know it can go either way. It can strengthen a connection and add more “events” (data) to it or it can weaken it. Both outcomes are okay but it’s always fun to see where it goes.

I have been spending most of my time in other people’s spaces and lives, and slowly but steadily I allow my life to merge in their spaces, that’s quite fun too.

Today I spent my afternoon in a good friend’s room, he’s moved out of it but some of “him” was still around. I send him a picture of his desk and tell him I’m having fun and he tells me where the trees are if I’d like to improve the view. It was all quite nice. His desk was dusty and yet the afternoon light made it all quite romantic for me. Dusty surfaces in otherwise mostly clean spaces are an interesting little detail to me.

I visited a very old friend in her house in a far-off neighbourhood in the city and I was reluctant to go there, but the trip was quite worth it. I like seeing residential spaces and how different people have different lives. We talked about everything under the sun and I wondered when we’d meet again. In the past we’ve gone many years without meeting and I’m pretty comfortable with that too.

I haven’t been doing as much writing as I’d like to be doing but maybe I’m changing that right now.

We talk about how “if you wanted to, you could write about anything, really” but something stops us, still.

All (okay, most of) my friends are analytical as well as creative and I love that about them.

I was more careful of my energy this time though and I’m quite glad about that. I felt like I was able to balance self-preservation and getting “enough” out of travels pretty well.

Headed to Bombay tomorrow and spending three days there and although I was feeling like I’m done with traveling, I’m finding that I am looking forward to meeting some people. Pretty excited about that.

Also did some good amount of “exposure therapy” over the last few days which I’m happy and content about.

Indulgences though, ah. Back to tapering down from it now, hopeful I can keep at it.

I think getting any new ideas and or art (or cultural expansion) from any sort of traveling makes the travel (or other activities) very worth it. We clicked a lot of pictures, had some good food, recounted old stories, wrote new ones, and that’s more than I could ask for, I suppose.

That’s 90K words! Glad to be here. Don’t think I’d like to get away from this habit, really. I like documenting things, I like noting down how I feel about events and things happening in my life. I do find myself going back to reading these from time to time, which I think serves a nice little purpose for myself too.

038a – food as a language

Our conversation at work often revolves around food. I think this was true back in San Francisco too but I wasn’t as present during that time period when I was really getting to know my colleagues over lunch. But here it’s been better (from my end). I feel present, I’ve also gained a better understanding and view of dishes and cuisines from around the world so I suppose I feel a bit more confident and at ease participating in these conversations.

Today was another such day. And it got me thinking about how food is such an amazing medium to get to know someone and their culture. Sometimes I still can’t believe how for the first 20-something years of my life I didn’t have a good appreciation for food. Of course, I liked some food items a lot and didn’t like certain things, I wasn’t without my preferences. But I never thought about the what’s and the why’s. And definitely never really stopped to appreciate how delicious and sensually fulfilling food can be.

My ex-boyfriend was a true foodie (before it was “cool”), and I can never really fully articulate how glad I am for this aspect of him (among others too).

This introductory food appreciation stint was followed by me moving out of India, and that was definitely much different. Little did I know how the pastas and pizzas I was so used to eating back in India were so different from what you got in New York, or San Francisco, which themselves were so different from what you’d get in Italy. Of course, there’s still so much I haven’t tried but I’m more open now, more curious about it. Because I’m also seeing the benefits.

One aspect of food discourse that I enjoy is seeing how certain ingredients are common across various cultures (and not just geographically adjacent ones), and I’d be really interested to learn more about how geography and climate play a role into this as well.

But one thing I think I only fully realised today is that while I’ve often seen really well-produced food shows or videos by really talented people on the internet which are super-duper informative and enlightening.. it’s nothing compared to how much you learn (and retain) when you actually share a physical space with someone.

Or maybe someone talking to me in detail about food preferences is just intimate to me. And maybe it’s got nothing to do with cultural expansion and everything to do simply with — feeling seen.