Tag: decisions

104b – dreams, neurodivergence and the need for rest

People keep talking about dreams all the time. Or so it seems. People tell me how proud of me they are and how inspiring it is that I’m following my dreams. I don’t even know what my dreams are, though. To live a creative life? Yes. To spend more time with my art, with myself, with people I love? Yes, of course. To not be doing too many things that I don’t want to do? Yes, indeed. 

Financial privilege and in general— privilege— aside, I don’t feel like I’m living a very good life. My relationship has been hard work, lately, and career stuff weighs heavily on me too. Do I want to be a writer, or a musician, or nothing at all? Am I really just afraid of hard work or am I not able to tune into my gut and figure out what I want? Or hell, even if I don’t know what I Want, am I able to at least know what I want next? 

Having freedom and privilege makes me feel like I’m supposed to do something with it. I don’t know if I want to. In certain moments, yes, I do want to do something that could be useful to someone (even if that someone’s just myself), but in other moments— I really just want to rest. 

I know I’m definitely some sort of neurodivergent, and vocalising that more loudly and more frequently has come with its own set of challenges. Now that I’m more in touch with how easily I get overstimulated and tired, there is a need to also accept that it makes sense to need the amount of rest and alone time that I tend to need. But society’s voice is stlll way too loud. 

It tells me that I’ve had my “year” of rest and now it’s time to get back into work and productivity. A month ago I tried writing a goodbye letter to this “year of rest” but it wasn’t enough. I don’t think I’m ready to get back to work. Not the trad 9-5 kind anyway. I’m talking to some people for part-time work but none of it comes with pay. Sure, I can afford that for now but at some point I won’t be able to. Well, I guess we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it. Or like six months before we have to, I guess. 

I’ve been considering art school or music school more seriously since, well, all of yesterday. Talking to Y made me realise how suppressed this desire has been, in me. Yes, last year I did consider it seriously, but then I did some research which convinced me thoroughly to not go ahead with any of that at this point of time. Even now, I don’t think I want to go to school right away. I just want more motivation to work on the things that I do want to work on. I do want to reduce TV time and gaming time so I can feel more energised. I do want to eat better, exercise more, but I feel like these wants are still outcome oriented. Is that okay? I don’t know. I don’t know if I can just eat better SO that I feel more energised. That kind of thinking is not motivating enough for me. But I do want to find some way of getting over all this, because otherwise I’m just denying my body what it needs. 

Anyway, I think that’s it for now. Going to try out a couple things to summon some energy! Happy October, folks xx 

104a – i want to be better at making decisions (faster)

It’s 2:30 am and I need to sleep soon. Too many thoughts swirling around in my head though which means I need to journal. Didn’t get to process my day very well so here I am. Today feels like it was a little bit surreal. I made a cool connection and I kind of feel proud of how it happened. I followed my gut over something and it resulted in something real. 

I’m talking to someone about a job (internship, really) but it pays next to nothing for a good amount of time.. but I’m still curious about it. Would it make sense to go for it (since I can afford it, yes) or would it be kind of stupid to try it out.. I’m not sure. I need to sleep over it for a couple days. But I also know that if I let this marinate for too long it’ll lose steam. I guess like always it’s worth thinking about what are the fears around it. 

Fears: 

  • I don’t end up liking the work (That’s okay, I tried something and found it wasn’t for me) 
  • I regret doing free work (It’s not completely free, maybe I gain something out of it anyway) 
  • I regret “wasting a month” (But really, it wouldn’t be a waste I suppose) 

I suppose it makes sense to go ahead and do it. It’s not like they need me for a full 40 hours, so the deal in that way does work for me. It’ll get me out of the house, and I suppose I can also make time for other things while I’m at the place. 

The people seemed quite genuine, which seems like a big plus— because one of the big problems of working in the corporate culture is of course that you don’t always get authenticity around you. That could be a major plus in a work environment. 

It fits well enough into my story, I think. Maybe I can do it for the plot, maybe that’s okay too. What is a month in the grand scheme of five years? Nothing, I suppose. Or I can ask for a trial period of 2 weeks too, maybe that is something that could work. 

I’ll give myself until Friday to decide and then that’s it, no mulling over it. 

Family time did end up triggering me a bit today, but it was still kind of nice to see everyone. Whatever, I guess. 

I’ve been applying for some technical writing roles too quite extensively, thinking it could be a good fit for me considering I do miss “tech” again a bit and I still do love writing. Plus, I’ve always found a lot of joy in being able to describe “complicated” things/concepts in simpler words ie I’ve always found joy in increasing and widening accessibility of a complex/inaccessible thing. So thinking it’s worth trying out. 

Anyway that’s it on September updates. I’ll catch yall on the flippety flip. 

032a – act during periods of clarity

It’s been hard to sit down and write. I keep getting up do something or the other. My reason for restlessness is mainly one – I have to make a life decision. Where should I go next? But it’s also the reason I need to sit down and write. I’ve gathered a lot of information and opinions in the last few weeks, I’ve been swinging back and forth between my two options, literally going from one to the other every week. I’m definitely under a little pressure to make a decision, but I seem to want to make it without doing the hard work that goes into it. 

The hard work? I’m not talking about the information gathering, that was hard only initially, once I started it was easy. The hard work seems to be thinking about interviewing for one of the options, the prep that I’ll have to put into it. 

Anyway, for some context, my two options are: Amsterdam and India. I’m looking to move within the company I’m currently at, and looking to move within the same role I’m currently at (engineering). That’s the easy part. 

I think I’m finally realizing that the reason I’ve been leaning toward India (that’s home for me) is fear based. The more I realize I really don’t need to pressure my life to become a certain way or “fall into place” by a certain time, the more I see and accept that Amsterdam seems like the better option right now. I want to settle down and have some stability, but how can I find it when I barely know myself? If I really want to find myself, don’t I deserve to give myself all the chance I can? Ideally I really should be giving myself the best opportunities to grow (not as an engineer or whatever, but as a person). A person who knows she doesn’t want to be working a full-time engineering job five years from now. If I really want to find what I want five years from now, I probably do have to dive into the ocean that is the world. 

And it’s true, I really am only 26. Whoever said that’s old? Whoever said I need to hurry and settle down? And who’s to say I’ll find that at home? And I’m not even getting into whether home really is what I think it is, etc.

A new country is daunting, an easier decision might be easy to take, but there’s a reason I feel restless when I decide to go forward with the easier decision. If it was the easy and right decision, I probably would feel comfortable taking it. But I don’t.  

I feel some clarity coming in. This might not last long, so maybe the best thing to do is take small actions in moments or periods of clarity, and see where that takes me. I’m going to ahead with kickstarting the processes that are needed to go ahead with the Amsterdam option. I can always decide not to go ahead if things don’t feel right a few weeks from now. 

012 – why say, when you can ask?

I want to free some thoughts from my head. I woke up early (proper early – 6 am) since my mom’s visiting from India today and I plan to go and receive her. But there’s a delay (duh) so I have some free time as I wait to leave. I’ve barely slept 5 hours but I feel much better than I expected to feel. The sunrise’s scheduled for 7:15 am (it’s 6:45 am right now) and I’m torn between trying to write on here or go down and click pictures. Decisions, all the time. They weigh so heavy on my shoulders but there’s always many to make. 

We’re constantly doing resource management, of course it’s going to be hard. Why is it harder for some people? I feel like I have a few problems. I don’t trust the budgets that I set for myself so I’m often optimizing for money, even though it would just make more sense to (or make my life easier if I could just) trust the budget. There’s probably reasons to why I don’t. It’d have to be a whole other annoying examination of everything I’m not tracking currently.
What about time? What structures can I have in place to reduce the worry of time-optimization in daily life? Monthly goals setting? Big and small? I do suppose that could help. It’s also the first day of February (short month!) so it seems like an opportune day to be thinking about this.. and maybe even attempting it, oof.

Not sure where this is coming from, but something about people and draining interactions. 

How do you teach people to ask questions, instead of giving (mostly unsolicited) advice? I don’t know, constantly being “told to do something” has made me strongly averse to listening to people. I often feel a visceral recoil when someone gives me advice or says anything along the lines of “do this, do that.”

Even a conversation like this often bothers me quite a bit: 

Me: I’m thinking of doing X. 
Friend: Yes, you should do it. 

This obviously has multiple possible explanations – maybe I already had some feelings about X, maybe I don’t like my friend as much as I think, etc etc. But, I think it’s also that a lot of people don’t know how to talk very well. Or maybe I’m very particular about the semantics. 

Here’s a few examples of responses that wouldn’t have bothered me: 

(Best)
Me: I’m thinking of doing X. 
Friend: Oh yeah I think that’s a great idea! / That sounds so nice! 

(Not the best but still decent) 
Me: I’m thinking of doing X. 
Friend: Oh yeah I think you should do it. 

Maybe I just have a really bad relationship with “being pushed”. 

And while I know that talking in terms of “I think” and “I feel” is generally regarded as good practice for communication between most “close” relationships, I wonder if that’s too much to hope for from all relationships? 

Decisions and draining conversations – how do these relate? I think I know how. I think every-time I go through a draining conversation, I have to, in real time, decide whether to have the “you’re saying this, but I’m hearing this” conversation. If I decide not to do it in the present, it still persists and eventually I have to decide whether I want to have the “when you said this, I felt this” conversation. Even if I decide not to do it, I still have to resolve my feelings around the whole thing, LOL.

This brings me to another question. Lately I do feel like having the “when you said this, I felt this” kind of conversations with a lot of people. These are generally quite acceptable in personal relationships.. but how do we feel about them in professional relationships? Do we want to be having them? I see nothing but major benefits. But I don’t know, haven’t seen enough of these happening yet. 

— 

Unrelated. What is it about immersing your whole body in water that feels so good? I suppose it can be meditative. A few minutes of not being answerable to anyone (including self), not being accountable to anyone (including self), not having to make sense of anything. I can allow myself to exist, without having to be anywhere. Almost as if my feelings seek an outlet, and the water can sometimes provide that. 

I’ve been wondering about the deep desire to be understood, I know I’ve been talking about it a lot. But where is it coming from? Today morning I had an extremely strong reaction to a misunderstanding between myself and my mom. I couldn’t figure out why being misunderstood feels like such a threat to me. I think it’s something about.. if people don’t understand me, then they have power over me. Do other people even matter though? Perhaps it’s more about myself.. If I don’t understand my feelings, then they have power over me.

I know the truer reframe for that is “if I don’t accept my feelings, then they have power over me”, but I hope it’s obvious that it’s so much easier to accept after understanding. So maybe all I’m really look for is my own understanding of my feelings. This is a nice little motivator for me to unpack as well. I could simply want to understand myself better so that my feelings don’t have (as much) power over me anymore.

— 

How do I feel about writing that builds on what other people have already written? Last night I was questioning (again) why I’m doing this. I found this thread (of course it’s Visa) and I liked how much of a case he makes for being in touch with our feelings. I was looking for something like that and I found it and it resonated with me. When will this happen by itself though? When will I really be able to give myself the permission and encouragement to do this, solely because I want to? …I suppose it’s okay, can’t really question everything so much. There’s only so much time in a day.