desire – untitled atm

069b – morning pages + the need to zoom out + finding balance

Want to write a quick word-vomit before I start my day for real. I’m waiting for some groceries to be delivered after which I can make my morning coffee, then I call my sister to wish her happy birthday.

I have enough tasks to be working on today and I have to go out in the afternoon for a chore which I’m almost excited about it. Planning to soak in some sun (however little/much we get lately) and maybe get a coffee from Third Wave on the way back. I’ve also asked friends if they want to get dinner later tonight so we’ll see whether or not that happens.

I also have some house chores to do within today and tomorrow and I’m going to make sure I do get them done.

A thought I’m struggling with is that I’ve been happy to take things (goals, productivity) at my pace (which can be considered a little slow) and although I’m very happy with the pace in the present, part of me wonders if future me might regret not getting “enough” done during this time, because I was “too easy” on myself? I know it’s unlikely that I will feel this way, because I know from experience that the decisions you take for present “real” happiness are never ones you can regret. And if at all we do feel regret, it’s coming from the lack of something else. For example, on certain days lately I almost regret not doing more of music and art even alongside my job, ie over the last 5-6 years. But then, that’s coming from a place of “oh I could have been better at it by now” or “oh I could have a greater chance at “success” by now, if I had”. But it’s important to remember that I do navigate the “present” with decent awareness, and I was doing the best I could with the knowledge that I had.

This is all fair for the past, but the question still remains. I plan to discuss a zoomed out version of my plan and intentions and this conflict a bit more in therapy, and I need to write-up a summary of all of it to share with therapist so that she can review it before our session. I plan to write that today, I imagine it’ll also give me some reassurance.

Struggling with developing songs lately though, and since that is my primary goal at the moment I need to find some more inputs on it all. I think I need to watch more tutorials, lessons and practice scales. Yes, I suppose I can focus on that today and tomorrow.

I think finding balance on everything is the hardest part of our lives. It can literally be the “one” guideline to follow if you have no other guidelines to follow. (One of my friends had actually said this many years ago too, and I think she’s right). But it’s so fucking tricky. How do you balance self-compassion, laziness and “desire” and courage? How do you balance self-love and the search for love? How do you balance freedom with your responsibilities? It’s all quite tough. Maybe I need to make a list of everything I feel like I’m balancing so that I can review this better. I feel some tension stir up inside me as I write this which means I need to explore this more.

I feel a time-crunch upon me right now and part of me doesn’t want to stop writing but it’s also good practice for when sometimes I do need to “ignore” my feelings for a bit when the world and/or duty (or coffee) calls. So I’m going to do just that. Write later!

056a – discipline and work-ethic

Four months of being in India. And a month of being in my new place. I think the place isn’t very good, like vibes are great, but the amount of dust in the house is definitely a major issue. Might need to get a deep cleaning done. But now I’ve committed to being here for a year, so let’s see how that goes.

Music stuff is top priority for September, I’m tired of just saying this to myself over and over. Really need to get on with it. But my throat’s been hurting for the last couple days so I can’t really be too hard on myself.

Going through a mini-heartbreak, but all said and done, it could have been much worse, so I think I’ll bounce back quickly enough from this.

Trying to get some movement on my todo list which has been pretty static for the last couple weeks. If I can get even a couple tasks done a day, I’ll be good. But so far I’ve not been able to manage that.

I was feeling a little sad today at the realisation that I might have a decent amount of talent and passion, but I seriously lack discipline and work-ethic. I don’t know, I think I used to be better (on this vertical) even until grad school and first year of work, it’s all been downhill since then. Of course, I’ve also made other developments, like with more anxiety and stress, my “need” (or want) to be disciplined etc had gone down as well. ie I remember a strong decline in “wanting” traditional forms of success and achievement and in general a decline in ambition which I thought I was fine with. But maybe at some point the pendulum swung too far.

Yeah, if I rate my work ethic as an 8/10 until early 2020, I’d say it declined quite a bit during the pandemic, and then a harsh breakup, followed by a long anxiety-depression period. I’d say it was down to a 6/10 during most of 2022. And then of course a major part of 2023 has been an attempt to just be absent from this evaluation altogether, so I think I can safely ignore these thoughts around inadequacy ie if they’re stemming from evidence collected only over the last few months. I was literally on a break.

If I think I’ve had enough of a break, and I want to work towards building my work-ethic again, I can try that. I can try being “serious” in September and see if that feels better.

Started reading attached because my anxious attachment symptoms have been showing up a lot lately. I’ve heard mixed reviews about the book (ie too pop-culture-y etc) but so far I’ve been liking it. It’s also quite affirming in some ways.

Things are mostly okay otherwise. Hope September is better than August!

049b – desire

But what if everything I want, I already have?

Love, peace, connection, security, health, beauty, worthiness, achievement, success, fame, pleasure, validation, all that jazz. Maybe I already have it all.

Okay, this probably doesn’t make any sense. I don’t know. I’m pretty sober, but this thought came to me yesterday night. And I’d thought to myself that this maybe worth thinking more about. But, I don’t know if it is. Maybe it’s just one of those thoughts you’re supposed to feel and believe, without really diving deep into it. Because diving deep won’t really reveal anything you don’t already know.

These days, I find myself getting swayed by material desire, but I don’t want to give in to that too much.

In general, I want to be able to say no to all sorts of desires and cravings from time to time. Skeptics will say this is asking too much of yourself.

There is a person I miss— but I know talking to them isn’t very healthy for my “progress” in life, so that is a desire I want to be able to say no to. I think I’ve been doing decently well on this, haven’t “given in” since January. I do sometimes wonder if this will ever become a non-issue. I know that if I meet someone new (ie fall in love), this will become a non-issue more easily. But, that could take a while. And I don’t want that to be the only way this becomes a non-issue. Point being, I’m surprised by the amount of time it’s taking to get rid of this person’s trace from my life. I started writing some of it in a “book” of sorts, because I wasn’t ready to let all of it go completely into nothingness, and that’s been “helping” quite a bit, and ideally, I should just be writing over there so I can continue “working” on this letting go process, but I didn’t feel like it today. So— surprise, surprise— here I am, doing the same thing in a different format. Eventually, kind of talking about the same thing I didn’t feel like talking about.

Ah, that was a tiring paragraph. Felt clunky and circular to me.

I’ve been stuck on a book I’ve been reading for over a month now, it’s not super engaging but I really don’t want to leave in the middle, so really need to pick up pace and finish reading it. Because I want to read something philosophical / spiritual after it, I’ve been feeling the need for it. Not sure what, though. Something in the Ekhart Tolle / Alan Watts realm.

The other desire I’m struggling with is the one for social satisfaction. I met some friends earlier in the week but I’m kind of experiencing the need for connection again. Talking to parents doesn’t feel satisfactory enough. And while, yes, I can make plans with specific people and maybe attempt to figure this out, I kind of also want to be okay with the desire just not getting met.

I might have overused the word “desire” in this post. It is what it is, is what it is.