Brain-only mode. I hate it. This is the kind of writing that I don’t want to make public. Primarily because it’s coming from a place of anxiety. And when that’s the case— I don’t end up liking whatever I write. It’s not due to shame or embarrassment, I’ve mostly safely conquered that. I just don’t like the style when it’s anxiety-produced.
I’ve only been “thinking” for the last 3-4 hours and it’s been quite unpleasant. I mean, it wasn’t unpleasant in the regular ways, I wasn’t spiralling, I wasn’t thinking too many negative thoughts. Most of the thoughts were related to ideas etc. But I knew at the back of my mind that I was still ruminating. I knew I was supposed to be sleeping instead.
It’s getting really cold here and part of why I haven’t been able to sleep is because I haven’t been able to figure out a configuration that’s comfortable enough in terms of clothes, fan speed and the number of layers over me. To be honest, I was hit with some thoughts about how I might really have to move again in June / July, which I know is sufficiently far in the future but it was quite upsetting all the same.
Drums practice was super fun today and I really want to buy an acoustic set for my place. But I know that buying an electronic kit will be a more practical and safer choice (primarily because it’s volume adjustable). I’ll do some research on this before I decide what to do. I don’t want to buy an electronic kit and then feel stuck with it either.
Learning more about my sensitivity has been a blessing and a curse. I sometimes like that there’s a potential explanation for the things that bother me and at the same time it doesn’t suffice. This was true for when I discovered more about my anxiety disorder too. Maybe I still need to find better ways to cope and actually solve these problems, not just have explanations for them.
So what does solving some of these problems mean?
- I probably (definitely) need to purchase a heater soon.
- I need to restart regular meditation.
- I need to restart regular physical exercise.
- I may want to read and research more about how to balance creative urges and pursuits with healthy habits and routines.
- I need to read more of the HSP book because I may find out some more ways of coping.
I think yes, the primary problem is sleep schedule. It’s always been my biggest problem. How do I really go about solving this, and how much do I want to? I really need to take some time out to think about this. There’s often hidden reasons why we don’t solve some of our problems, I need to find those out.
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I wrote this last night and was finally able to sleep. I’m going to shift to 1000-word posts as much as I can from now on. This one is a bit hacky because I’m combining two pieces of sorts, but maybe that’s okay.
I think yesterday I stumbled onto a melody I’m really excited about fleshing out. That’s my main task for today.
Yesterday at the coffee shop, I met someone a bit confusing. We connected pretty easily, but then he revealed a couple of highly polarised religious views which made me a bit uncomfortable. I also got the feeling he was drunk and that made me uncomfortable too. I didn’t feel too unsafe because it was a pretty crowded place, but then I didn’t want to hang out much longer. He gave me his number and I don’t know if I’ll be texting him. But it definitely made me feel weird because when I got home I had to take some time to regulate.
When I was trying to figure out what I felt, I felt a judgemental voice asking me why I’m always obsessed with “figuring out” my feelings and my experiences. And this has been a question on my mind lately. Even though here, I tell myself I don’t need to be judgemental about this because it’s just part of my nature, I don’t think it works that easy.
I’ve tried to find an explanation for this many many times before. There’s a part of me that thinks of this as a problem. If we forget about the why for a second, what is a reframe that can help me?
- It’s just something that makes me curious. Scientists and academicians also care about really specific, deep problems. Sometimes these problems and occurrences are outside of us, sometimes they are within (psychology, biology, etc). Why is that okay and why is my “obsession” with my own nature and workings not as okay? (For the record, obviously this is an internal judgement, nobody else is telling me this is a bad thing). But alright, maybe accepting this reframe now, that this is just something that makes me really curious. Ie how my body, my brain, my heart etc react to external or internal experiences.
- Understanding why something makes you feel unpleasant is also not unimportant. How else would you avoid it in the future, or deal with it if you couldn’t avoid it? I shouldn’t be quick to dismiss this as unimportant.
The ONLY problem I can think is that it can be a bit time consuming. But that is also only when I’m ruminating. When I’m quick to start journaling or writing, it doesn’t take that long. I really need to cut out as much rumination as I can. That is the primary solution to many of my problems. (Sleep, time-management, “too much going on”, overstimulation, etc).
Okay, that’s it for now. Really psyched to move to music stuff. Let’s go.
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